board one
"I'm not paying $8 for the word of God." --Brandi Emerick

"Things can always suck more." --Raul Jara

"Ah, the pride." --Raul Jara

"You know I'd love to fight you, Scott." --Raul Jara

"I don't want Boner giving me a fuckin' blowjob." --Scott Cohen

"You're an idiot!" --Sudhir Prabhu (to Boner)

"I coulda done it with skim." --Scott Cohen

"Pretty boy." --Tony Shell (to Scott)

"Bullshit! She sucked my dick that night!" --John McKiel

"Well lah-di-fuckin'-dah." --Scott Cohen

"Noogie called." --Raul Jara

"The streets will be lined with the corpses of the baby boomers." --Scott Cohen

"Maybe I should just say I hate dykes." --Boner

"We should have furniture that hangs from the ceiling, because the Soviets don't." --Ms. Kelly Fallen

"I'm planning on marrying a rich hag." --Raul Jara

"You'd have to be a queer to not like Scott." --Raul Jara

"We're a bunch of 'tards." --Class of '02

"It's almost an orgasm when I brush my teeth." --Brittany Behr

"I want to punch her in the stomach." --Sudhir Prabhu, on Lindsey Fernung

"...and you can go watch the little kids get stung!" --Mr. Michael Mayfield

"I've stopped caring." --Nick Eddy

"You can understand my confusement." --Raul Jara

"COIL IN FEAR!" --Scott Cohen, in insane falsetto

"You wanna fight? Naked?" --Boner

"You can all lick my cunt." --Boner

"Adolph Hitler...what a mean man. The Nazis were assholes." --Ken Maciejewski

"How about 'ska-unk'?" --Sam Hartman

"Hey, you guys want some cookies?" *SMACK* --Chris Felton

"I don't want a piece of Raul. I want a piece of you." --Sudhir Prabhu

"So I'm short and ugly." --Kenneth J. Fahr

"I need someone to suck face with." --Joseph Hawkins

"And you got massacred. Massacred, massacred, massacred." --Derek Black, on the Jews

"There was this autistic kid at my old school. He could, like, see all the way behind his head. That was pretty weird." --Joseph Herrold

"All the sex in the world isn't worth getting sued for statutory rape." --Ken Maciejewski

"I dunno. My balls hurt." --Scott Cohen

"When I get married, that bitch gonna be barefoot and pregnant." --Boner

"Well, most of my problems stem from being a masochist." --Raul Jara

"Yes...?" --Scott, in super-sexy tone (to Lituo)

"Fags. They sure are funny." --Derek Black

"It's so hot in here! It's like I'm going through menopause." --Boner

"You should just find someone even more fucked up." --Sudhir Prabhu

"That's not magic, dude." --Scott Cohen

"You're all Greek to me!" --Scott Cohen

"I sucked Scott's dick." --Bobby Smith

"I am Japanese man. Look at tiny penis!" --Scott Cohen

"Honesty is such an overrated virtue." --Lituo Huang, being wrong

"It's mine!" --Boner

"If I see her giving you a handjob, I'll cut off her hand and your dick." --Boner

"What the hell was that? That thing had all kinds of legs." --Scott Cohen

"Pullin' an all-nighter is always better when you're squeezing a drunk girl's breast." --Wagoner

"I am the Christ Child." --Wagoner

"Don't scratch my chin and talk about your balls." --Jeff Leister

"I'm gonna put a leaf man in the lounge, with a microphone that says two things: 'Jack me off' and 'Keep movin', fatty.'" --Scott Cohen

"I love her round moon face." --Scott Cohen

"You seem to me like the kind of guy who would be into a purely physical relationship." --George, to Scott

"Go play violin with your tiny fingers, Asian woman." --Derek Black

"I will love and covet the bowel-face like no other." --Scott Cohen

quote boards 2 and 3
"I spent a lot of time in church, but I did it for the money." --Ms. Christine Ney

"They used to just be 'there', quiet studying machines. But now they're fiery balls of sexual pleasure." --Scott Cohen

"That Asian fetish is getting tiresome. You should at least have the decency to be ashamed." --Ryan Hamilton

"Ah! I got the Jesus Cramps!" --Scott Cohen

"SHNAP ME DOWN!!" --Paul Lee

"Your cock is just too irresistible, man." --Raul Jara, to Scott

"Just because you're not 18 yet doesn't make sex with 11-year olds legal." --Scott Cohen

"Obviously you don't understand anything, Scott." --Raul Jara

"So, in other words, you'd like to have boobies?"
"Well, muscular boobies." --Raul & Scott

"Are you afraid to masturbate, Scott?" --Crafty

"That's like 'I really like you, but I eat all the time'" --Sudhir Prabhu

"You make my loins tingle." --Lituo Huang, to Scott

"Well, Raul can lick my ass. OK, it's not as good as 'Warhammer'." --Boner

"So you've never done the Dutch Oven to anyone?"
"Nope."
"Really?"
"Well, once."
"To Lauren?"
"...yeah." --Chris & Andy

"Heya, TJ! Ohhhh, don't give me that mean look...You're the one who came in my fucking conditioner." --Boner

"Woo-friggin'-hoo." --Crafty

"Oh, darn. Darndy, darndy, darndy, darn." --Raul Jara

"I got her in the eye." --Boner

"Don't suck his dick! God! Suck Scott's dick!" --John McKiel

"Today we are going to learn quite a few Communist propaganda terms." --Ms. Mindy Zhang

"In this life, I may be only a measly Boner, but in Utopia, I am a God!" --Boner

"I think your Asian fetish is bigger than mine." --Dan

"Where I come from, we make music with rocks." --Mobin

"Skee-Lo was a visionary." --Joe Herrold

"Me and Tony were having an argument about how TV is his whole life, and I won." --Joe Herrold

"Well, Raul says it's not important." --Mrs. Rogers

"Somehow, this makes you wrong." --Scott Cohen

"Contrary to popular belief, wearing contacts and glasses does not give you twice the vision." --Scott

"...Just 'cause you'll never have a chance with a girl that looks like that again."
"Dammit." --Scott & Dauble

"...and there's gonna be no diving, cuz it gonna be three foot deep!" --Crackhead Paul

"We're gonna be having sex." --Matt Miller

"Dammit, where did my beret go?" --Raul

"So where is Tony?"
"In fuckin' Hell, I hope." --Scott & Joe

"I'll bet you Niqke Meeks." --Fei, to Dauble

"Peel it off the hunk." --Scott

"This way, you don't get air bubbles in the syringe, very important if you want to be a junkie." --Mr. Mayfield

"We've seen the future of music, and it looks a lot like a GAP ad." --Suck.com

"Whatever, I can write this! 'Warm is cold, night is day, and my cat is eating'." --Sudhir

"Don't ever go to Mexico! Don't ever go there." --Grandma Cohen

"Don't turn into Nick in college." --Raul, to Scott

"My father does not speak Irish." --Raul

"The women, they want you to pop their tits. They want the pus to fly far." --Raul

"I wanna knock Stephen Hawking's wheelchair over, and make him say things he does not want to say." --Derek

"I will never fall for the sweet smell of a woman again, fucking she-bitches, all of them." --Wagoner

"I'm gonna break your damn foot." --Crafty

"I'm just a guy who would love to get laid, but can't (for some strange reason)." --Martin

"Lindsey's a crazy bitch!" --Boner

"That's why you're Boner."
"Exactly." --Derek & Boner

"God heard it." --Scott's dad

"I couldn't do any better if I was TRYING to play the idiot." --Sudhir

"How about you give me head." --Fei, to Scott

"Tongue kissing is so mundane with people who have all their teeth." --Scott

"He's saying that Schoon is older, and he notices." --Dan-O