I'm crying, you know. No one could see it if they looked

right now, i think I’d end it if i could. I was thinking, just now. I was thinking maybe no, really, yes i would if i had a pistol, i would end it. There isn’t anything around here. I have some mach 3 cartridges, but i don’t want to bleed it out. Just to be able to give up with a click. I’d like that.

Right now, no one cares as much as I’ve been trying. I have what, a couple friends left? And they don’t really appreciate what i try. Those others, the ones i tried to win over with all this effort. They didn’t like it, after a while. Because they don’t care as much as i want to. So many want to fool around
they fall to saying leave me alone
(with eyes: please?)
Why do you torment me? I am your brother.
I didnt own anyone
you all had me. You had all me
have
fits
it fits
i do not
s

because what am i living for anyhow
just eventually after the Best Years of Our Lives run out
theyre running out
after that maybe I’ll find someone
but not to have so much exploring fun with any more
because i have left eighteen come and shape me into something that doesn’t appeal
to anyone but the fulllippedreflection in a half-light
I’m not halfbad?
!
Coffeshop tongued i know my teeth are stained dammit
there are lines under my eyes and you don’t have to tell me you don’t have to ask me if
i know
because i do know
and i know what you’re about to say
cant you do something
just
with
me?

it doesn’t happen, not nothing much going on not going
i could tell you what ‘it’ is if you wanted to know
but you don’t want to know although you’ve guessed it
right on–!
Do you want me to affirm it?
“no. I don’t care”
you don’t, do you? I knew that one.

beauty is useless if you cant do anything with it
or if you don’t have enough
i think I’ll get my head buzzed
it won’t look good but i wont care any more
theres nothing left
not for awhile

i don’t have that beauty
i ran out of glimmers of hope

i ran out

*
(epilogue)
I remember sitting and thinking about how I’d fucked it all up. That is right now, in truth. I remember now as if I’m some days into the future and remembering what an ass I’d made of myself this day.
These minutes.
This is one of those days when you find that disappointment is in the very next sentence, and it’s going to let you down. It lets me down, always now, till i don’t think that i could be holding out any more hope to be taken from me. Oh, it hurt me again, just now. It was cold again, just like last year when i was being just as melodramatic and i felt that little quiver down my spine and assumed it was BEAUTY. And this time i am dumping everything again on someone who doesn’t care and even if they did care i don’t think she would get it.