Welcome to USELESS TRIVIA ARCHIVE 1!!
The oldest known goldfish lived to 41 years of age. Its name was Fred.
There is a town in Newfoundland, Canada called Dildo.
If an orangutan belches at you, watch out. He's warning you to stay out of his territory.
Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded.
About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting on it.
In 1984, a New Jersey man opened a summer camp for Cabbage Patch dolls.
You're more likely to get stung by a bee on a windy day that in any other weather.
In 1976, a Los Angeles secretary formally married her 50-pound pet rock.
In 1977, a 13-year-old boy discovered a tooth growing on his left foot.
In the early '80s, a toad was discovered that meows instead of croaking.
Research indicates that mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas.
Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air.
The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.
A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m.p.h.
The condom - made originally of linen - was invented in the early 1500s.
The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C.
98% of American drivers think they drive better than anyone else.
A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee.
Bubble gum contains rubber.
You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog.
In high school, Robin Williams was voted "Least Likely to Succeed."
The sex organ on a male spider is located at the end of one of its legs.
Chicken soup was considered an aphrodisiac in the Middle Ages.
Most American car horns honk in the key of F.
A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana.
It's against the law to catch fish with your bare hands in Kansas.
Some toothpastes contain antifreeze.
Millie the White House dog earned more than 4 times as much as Pres. Bush in 1991.
Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the western Pacific.
There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones.
Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray.
When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food.
In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die.
Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark.
A woodchuck breathes only 10 times per hour while hibernating. An active woodchuck breathes 2,100 times per hour.
In any given acre of green land, you would expect to find about 50,000 spiders.
Should you be so inclined, you would have to fold a piece of American currency back and forth about 4,000 times before it
Would easily tear. (I guess then the money will R.I.P.)
In ancient Egypt, certain baboons were mummified when they died.
The highest wind velocity ever recorded on Earth is 231 miles per hour.
Even if up to 80 percent of it is removed, the human liver will continue to function and will grow again to its original size.
Pain travels at a speed of 350 feet per second.
Sunglasses were invented by the Chinese in the 13th century.
The total weight of all insects on Earth is twelve times greater than the weight of all people.
To ward off enemies, the horned lizard can squirt blood from its eyelids.
One ounce of the material that constitutes a spider's web could stretch 2,000 miles.
There are more than 3,500 living species of cockroaches.
There are more caribou in Alaska than there are people.
Robots in Japan pay union dues.
Polar bears have black skin. They appear white because their hair is colorless and hollow, and so reflects the sunlight.
A horse has sixteen muscles in one ear, which allow the ear rotate a full 180 degrees.
Human skin sheds continually, and the outer layer of skin is entirely replaced every 28 days.
It takes more than two tons of South African rock to produce less than an ounce of gold.
A parrot's beak can close with a force of 350 pounds per square inch.
Payment for English trial lawyers is considered an honorarium -- so there is no legal obligation for clients to pay them!!! (I'm
sure Jonhnny Cochran is glad that he's a US lawyer!)
The longest non-talking film ever made was Andy Warhol's Sleep. It consists solely of a man sleeping for eight hours. (Now
THERE'S entertainment!!!)
Each second, the U.S. Postal Service delivers 200 pieces of junk mail
Earth's closest encounter with a comet was in 1770 when Lexell's comet came within 750,000 miles.
A person living to age 80 will have taken more than 200 million breaths, moving nearly 600 tons of air in the process.
There are more than fifty kinds of fish that can produce musical sounds.
As late as 1932, jail-breaking in Texas was not a crime if the prisoner escaped without using a gun.
Before 1859, baseball umpires were seated in padded chairs behind home plate.
The only sound that doesn't echo, even under the most favorable conditions, is the hiss.
Just a moderate sunburn can cause such damage to the blood vessels that it takes three to ten months for them to return to
their normal condition.
A single poison-arrow frog, found in the rainforests of Central and South America, has sufficient poison to kill about two
thousand people.
Each day is 0.00000002 seconds longer than the one before because the Earth is gradually slowing down.
Fingernails have a life span of three to six months. That's how long it takes them to grow from base to tip, progressing at the
pace of 1.5 inches a year -- or 0.000000047 inches a second.
Elephants have been known to remain standing after they die.
The telephone was 51 years old before one was installed on the desk of the President of the United States.
A Pigeon can't lay an egg unless she sees another pigeon. If another pigeon isn't available, her own reflection in a mirror
will suffice.
The people of Iceland read more books per capita than any other people in the world.
The Egyptians trained baboons to wait on tables.
Up to 150 tons of meteorite fragments slam into Earth every year.
Most people, by age sixty, have lost 50 percent of their taste buds and 40 percent of their ability to smell. (so that's why those
nursing homes have such BAD food)
Rain contains vitamin B-12.
The human brain is comprised of 74 percent water. (So most people are waterheads, and not airheads!!!!)
The candlefish is so oily that it once was burned for fuel.
Emperor penguins can dive a thousand feet under water. (Penguins are SOOOO awesome!!!!)
When North America was first settled, beavers there grew to the size of bears.
The planet Saturn has a density lower than water. So if there was a bathtub large enough to hold it (who would give Saturn a
bath, anyway??), Saturn would float.
Each second, the United States accrues $7,000 interest on its national debt.
From the proclamation of her independence in 1804 until the intervention of the United States in 1915, Haiti had 24 presidents,
17 of whom mysteriously disappeared with the contents of her treasury.
The world's largest metal coins, in both size and standard value, were copper plates used in Alaska about 150 years ago. They
were about three feet long, two feet wide, weighed ninety pounds, and were worth $2,500.
Bacteria, the tiniest free-living cells, are so small that a single drop of liquid contains as many as 50 million of them.
All office-seekers in the Roman empire were obliged to wear a certain white toga for a period of one year before the election.
If the population of the Earth continued to increase at its present rate indefinitely, by 3530 A.D. the total mass of human flesh
and blood would equal the mass of the Earth. By 6826 A.D. it would equal the mass of the known universe. (Now THAT'S a
lot of people!!!).
At birth a panda is smaller than a mouse and weighs about four ounces.
Uranus is the only planet that rotates on its side.
A prehistoric horse called Eohippus was approximately the size of a house cat.
Around 1700, some insurance companies in England successfully sold policies that protected against going to hell after death.
Caraway seed is actually a dried ripe fruit.
During a 24-hour period, the average human will breathe 23,040 times; exercise 7 million brain cells; and speak 4,800 words.
In 1996 the United States spent $27 billion in preparation to wage nuclear war. It spent $2.2 billion to prevent nuclear war.
Lloyd's of London has issued insurance policies against seeing a ghost, being struck by a meteorite, and dying of laughter at a
particular theatrical performance.
Club Funny Archive 9 AUG 1-15 1997
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The wizard of OZ!
Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House Gingrich, and President
Clinton are traveling in a car together in Kansas.
A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them
thousands of yards away. They all fall into a daze.
When they come to the extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize
they're in the fabled Land of Oz.
They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known for
granting people their wishes.
Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."
Gingrich responds, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."
Clinton speaks up, "Where's Dorothy?"
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Golfing Genie!
A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined
with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be
very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll
cost us a fortune to fix."
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest
house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out
for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this
is going to cost."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in."
They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle
lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the
people that broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.
"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a
thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant
three wishes- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for
myself."
"OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for the
rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do
you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.
"Consider it done." the genie replied.
"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a
woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money
and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife
upstairs and ravished her for two hours.
After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said,
"How old is your husband, anyway?"
"35." she replied.
"And he still believes in genies?....That's amazing."
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Fun things to do while driving!
From Hoffner13p
1. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang. Listen
to COOL music like Metallica.
3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look
of fear, lock your doors.
4. Two words: Chicken suit.
5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it
looks like blood, the better.
6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when
driving alone.
7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
8. Stop at the green lights.
9. Go at the red ones.
10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or
sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
11. Eat food that requires silverware.
12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
13. Sing without having the radio on.
14. Honk frequently without motivation.
15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an
obscene gesture.
16. Ask people for Grey Poupon.
17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.
18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19. Restart your car at every stop light.
20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them,
stroking them lovingly.
21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out
the window.
22. While stopped at a light, piss out the window/sunroof onto other cars.
23. Paint your car with occult symbols.
24. Keep at least five cats in the car.
25. Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy sex.
26. Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for firetrucks.
27. Stop and collect roadkill.
28. Stop and pray to roadkill.
29. Throw Spam.
30. Get in the fast lane and gradually ... slow ... down ... to a stop.
Then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.
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More horoscopes!
From Fstars821...this is really funny
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to
be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are careless
and impractical, causing you to repeat the same mistakes. Everyone thinks
you are a f***ing jerk.
PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20) You have a vivid imagination and often think you
are being followed by the CIA or the FBI. You have minor influence over
your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack
confidence and you are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small
animals and pick their noses a lot.
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 20) You are the pioneer type and hold most people in
contempt. Your breath stinks and your nose runs. You are quick tempered,
impatient and scornful of advice. In short, you are a prick.
TAURUS (Apr 19 - May 20) You are practical and persistant. You have a
dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn
and bull headed. Taurus people have B.O. and fart a lot. You are nothing
but a damned communist.
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People
like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too
much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Gemini is known
for committing incest.
CANCER (June 21 - July 22) You are sympathetic and understanding toward
other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always
putting things on off. This is why you will always be on wefare and will
never be worth a shit.
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think
you are pushy. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate
honest criticism. Your appearance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving
bastards and kiss mirrors a lot.
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) You are a logical type and hate disorder. This
nitpicking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and
often fall asleep while screwing. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult
time with reality. If you are a male you are probably queer. Chances for
employment and monetary gain are excellent. Most libra women are whores.
All libras die of venereal disease.
SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21) You are shrewd in business and connot be trusted.
You shall acheive the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of
ethics. You are a perfect son of a bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered early
in life.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have
a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have not talent. The vast
majority of Sagittarians are drunks and pot-heads. People laugh at you a
great deal because you are always getting fucked.
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19) You are conservative and afraid of taking
risks. This means you are basically a chickenshit. You don't do much of
anything and are lazy. You should avoid standing still too long as a dog
might think you are a tree and piss on you. There has never been a
Capricorn of any importance whatsoever. You should kill yourself.
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Flat Tire!
Charlie picks up a woman in a bar. They get in his car, and they're going
down a dirt road to Lover's Lane, when he gets a flat tire. He looks in the
trunk, and his spare is flat, too. He figures, what the hell, he's gonna
get a little bit. So they get in the back seat, and he's just getting off
her blouse and her bra, when another car pulls up. He gets out, and the
other guy says, "Can I help you?"
Charlie says, "You sure can. I'll tell you what...if you'll let me use your
car to go get my spare fixed, you can pork the babe in the back seat while
I'm gone." The guy says, "You're on."
The guy gives him the keys, Charlie puts his spare tire in the guy's trunk,
and takes off. The guy gets in the back seat, hops on the girl, and they're
just about to go to it when a police car pulls up.
A cop walks over, shines the flashlight into the back seat, and says, "What
are you doing, Mac?"
The guy says, "I'm just about to bang my wife, officer."
The cop says, "I'm sorry, pal, I didn't realize it was your wife."
The guy says, "Neither did I, 'til you shined your flashlight on her."
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Mike Tyson Jokes!
10. Tyson already has his next fight lined up, with Lorena Bobbitt. Winner
eats all.
9. This gives new meaning to "box lunch".
8. Reporter: "Evander, what did you think when Tyson bit off your ear?"
Holyfield: "What?"
7. Spock-vs.-Tyson bout hastily canceled.
6. What did Mike Tyson say to Van Gogh?
"You gonna eat that?"
5. Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson computer?
It has two bytes and no memory.
4. Next bout: Tyson vs. Hannibal Lecter, with Julia Child to referee. To be
held in Hungary. Billed as, "The snackfest in Budapest."
3. How does Mike Tyson differ from Metallica?
Metallica leaves a ringing in your ears. Tyson leaves your ear in a ring.
2. Slogans for Tyson-Holyfield III:
The Third Gogh Around
The Last Supper
Ear-Reconcilable Differences
Grazing Bull
Blood, Sweat and Ears
No Lobe Lost
1. When interviewed after the fight, Tyson's first remarks were: "It tasted
like chicken."
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Redneck Etiquette!
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always
has the right of way.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask
her to bring back beer
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item
If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done
in private using one's OWN truck keys
Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and
a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save
hours.....Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using
this method
Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile
home costs just as much as yours
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his
manners are
If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave
them alone for a few minutes
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date
Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go
out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years
ago."
If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower,
or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration
At the theatre, Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
immediately after the movie has ended
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they
can't hear you
Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift
It is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding
When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is
A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a
proven fly deterrent
For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a
clean bowling shirt can create a nasty appearance. Though uncomfortable,
say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion
Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them
Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered
tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home
The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if
other people are around
Some of my OWN!
Marrying sisters BAD, marrying cousing OK!
Country Music is always allowed at those special occasions..(funerals,
weddings, church..etc)
WalMart is ALWAYS a better choice than pic n' save!
Casual dress is wearing your BEST overalls.
Always have your CB radio in case of emergency!
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The WORST pick-up lines!
1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you
right here!
2. Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
3. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.
4. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
5. Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night
long.
6. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
7. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into
this cheap motel room.
8. Want to play conductor?? You be the engineer and I'll go Choo choo.
9. You must be Jelly, cause jam don't shake like that.
10. The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room
for your tongue.
11. Hi, my name is Pogo, want to jump on my stick?
[Image]
Fry Tim McVeigh - to the tune of YMCA
You'll laugh if you sing it!
Trials - there's one every day
I said trials - spent 2 years with OJ
With these trials - now we're on Tim McVeigh
And there's one thing we want to say
chorus
We want the jury to
FRY Tim Mcveigh
We want the jury to
FRY Tim McVeigh
We don't want no parole
We don't want no appeal
We don't want no big bargain deal
We want the jury to
FRY Tim McVeigh
WE want the jury to
FRY Tim McVeigh
Send him straight to the chair
Shave his crewcut - dork hair
And don't stop till he's medium rare
We know - he's a murdering scum
We think - he should be strung up by his thumbs
For what he did - with his rented truck bomb
And now that the trial has begun
Connections - there's a new one each week
They've been published - by some internet geek
And by Playboy - we know they'd never lie
It's all there right by Miss July
repeat chorus
Lawyers - we won't let this one go
So reserve him - the best room on death row
In the meantime - while he waits in the pen
Let's hope some hulk makes Tim his girlfriend !
repeat chorus
[Image]
SLAMS on Men! (Boo)
DON'T WORRY GUYS I'LL BE MAKING 100 SLAMS on WOMEN!!!
1. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, you're
aiming too high.
2. Women don't make fools of men; most of them are the do-it-yourself
types.
3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you're sick of him.
4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about
other things too.
5. A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to
do.
6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one. They try harder.
7. Go for younger men. You might as well; they never mature anyway.
8. A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is
unquestionably gay.
9. Men are all the same, they just have different faces so you can tell
them apart.
10. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually
find that he is.
11. Husbands are like children; they're fine if they belong to someone
else.
12. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five
men: a woman.
13. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men: strong, caring,
loving. They'd be wrong, but you could still use them.
14. Men are like animals: messy, insensitive and potentially violent, but
they make great pets.
15. Men's brains are like the prison system: not enough cells per man.
16. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men: "don't"
and "stop".
[Image]
You know your an alcoholic when...
None of us WOULD EVER get drunk, but for all those "corrupted people"...
1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3. Job interfering with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
9. Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
10. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
11. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
12. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
13. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
14. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
15. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
16. Roseanne looks good.
17. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
18. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past
you.
Some of my own...
19. You think alcohol is better than sex! (that's a problem!!!)
20. You purposely give alcohol as presents so you can open it up at a party
21. Apu at the quickie-mart knows two words (hello and [your name])
22. You can smell a bar from a distance
23. You actually get into "great taste" "less filling" fights!
24. Dennis Rodman in a dress looks inviting
25. You watch Designing Women (That Delta Burke ain't so bad)
26. Girlfriend says quit or get out and you start tripping up the stairs to
get your bags.
[Image]
The ladder to suc-cess!
A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the
clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud,
upon which was sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb
the ladder to success" she said.
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On
this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the
eye. "Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success" she said. "Well",
thought the man, "might as well carry on.
On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was
quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success" she
uttered.
As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself
that this was getting better the further he went.
On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "screw
me or climb the ladder to success" she flirted.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he
decided to climb again.
When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit
hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.
"Who are you?" the man asked.
"Hello" said the ugly fat man said, "my name's Cess!"
[Image]
SEND me some mail! I LOVE MAIL!
WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITES??***Do you have any awesome jokes? Send them and
you will receive FULL credit!!
Mark
rubicant@voyager.net
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Copyright © 1997 Mark Francescutti
Club Funny Archive 10 AUG 97
[Image]
Egg Honeymoon!
[Image]
These two eggs had just been married and were on their honeymoon. While
they were sitting on the bed making out, the female egg pushed the male egg
away and said "I just have to go to the bathroom. Be back in a minute", and
off she went.
Five minutes later the male egg saw his sexy wife walk out in a slinky
egglige, wiping her hands up and down her smooth, ovally body.
Instantly, the male egg slapped his hands on the top of his head, covering
it completely.
The female egg looked at him and asked what he was doing. He replied "The
last time i was this hard, someone cracked me on the head with a spoon!
[Image]
Dumb Rednecks!
[Image]
A pretty woman is driving down a Arkansas country road in her new sports
car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she
happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on
the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night
and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the
night until tomorrow when I can get some help?
"Well," drawls the Arkansas farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want
you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke."
She looks through the screen door and sees two young men standing behind
the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties.
"Okay," she says.
After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little
horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she
quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to
teach you the ways of the world?"
They say, "Huh?"
She explains what she wants to do, then says, "The only thing is, I don't
want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on
the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
Two months later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, chewing some
hay.
Jed says, "You remember that woman who came by here oh, about two months
ago, the one who showed us the ways of the world?"
"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."
"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.
"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."
"Me, neither," says Jed. "Let's take these things off."
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Lucky Man!
TELL this one! It is funny if you act it out!
There once was a man with a permanent erection. He was constantly having
orgasms too! Try as he might, he couldn't get it to go down. Finally he
went to his local pharmacy, where he encountered a female pharmacist. "I'd
like to speak to a male pharmacist," he said.
The woman replied, "I'm a professional. I run this pharmacy with my sister,
who is also a professional. Anything you can tell a man, you can tell us."
"Ok," he said. "I have a permanent erection. What can you give me for it?"
"Hmmm," she replied. "I'll go into the back and confer with my sister."
After a minute, she returned to the counter and said, "We'll give you
$25,000 and half the business."
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No joke, BUT COOL!
OK this is NOT a joke...but it is cool. Thanks to TKANDR!
1. First of all, pick the number of days a week that you would like to have sex.
2. Multiply this number by 2. > >
3. Add 5.
4. Multiply it by 50.
5. If you have already had your birthday this year, add 1747.
If you haven't, add 1746.
6. Last step: Subtract the four digit year that you were born.
RESULTS: RESULTS: RESULTS: RESULTS: RESULTS: RESULTS: RESULTS: RESULTS:
RESULTS: RESULTS: RESULTS: RESULTS: RESULTS: RESULTS: RESULTS: RESULTS:
RESULTS: RESULTS: RESULTS: RESULTS: RESULTS: RESULTS: RESULTS: RESULTS:
RESULTS: RESULTS: RESULTS: RESULTS: RESULTS: RESULTS: RESULTS: RESULTS:
RESULTS: RESULTS: RESULTS: RESULTS: RESULTS: RESULTS: RESULTS: RESULTS:
RESULTS: RESULTS: RESULTS: RESULTS: RESULTS: RESULTS: RESULTS: RESULTS:
RESULTS: RESULTS: RESULTS: RESULTS: RESULTS: RESULTS: RESULTS: RESULTS:
RESULTS: RESULTS: RESULTS: RESULTS: RESULTS: RESULTS: RESULTS: RESULTS:
You should now have a three digit number: the first digit of
this was your original number
(i.e. how many times you want to have sex each week). The second two
digits are your age!!! It really works. If it didn't the first time,
try again!
This is the only year it will ever work!
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Flight 255!
On a Northwest Airlines flight to Boston during our recent hurricane
"FRAN", the captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm, but it was
a pretty rough ride just the same -- rough enough that the flight
attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for about half
an hour, and many of the passengers were putting the little plastic-lined
bags in their seat pockets to good use. When the turbulence finally abated,
the flight attendants unbuckled themselves, and the captain's voice came on
over the intercom:
"Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it? But we came through it
fine, just the way we always do, and I'm happy to report that it looks like
the remainder of our trip should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and
today's flight crew, I'd like to thank you very much for your calmness and
cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Boston."
After a short pause and several clicks......
"Jesus Christ -- whadda bitchin' ride! Boy -- I sure could use a cup of
good strong coffee and a blow job, right about now."
As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin to inform the
captain that his intercom was still on, one of the passengers called after
her,
"Don't forget the coffee!"
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20 IMPORTANT rules for WOMEN!
1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet
UP when you are done.
2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include
something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer,
and Red.
3. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall.
4. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only
joking.
5. Unless the answer is yes.
6. In which case, can he videotape it?
7. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.
8. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie
Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly
the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it
walks for the first time.
9. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
10. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.
11. Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he
stop for directions.
12. He was not looking at that other girl.
13. Well, okay... maybe a little.
14. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked
at another guy...
15. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you.
Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than
him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these
people, love the one you're with.
16. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly
thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.
17. Don't hog the covers.
18. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the
halftime show to act upon that...
19. He does not just want to be friends.
20. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence:
You now, why don't we just skip the expensive dinner and stay here having
freaky circus sex all night?"
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Reasons NEVER to leave your house!
You know those people who are afraid of EVERYTHING! Why don't they crawl
into a dark hole!?
1. Too much sun will give you skin cancer.
2. Going out would require wearing shoes, clothes, etc.
3. An icicle might fall on your head. Those things have been known to kill,
you know.
4. You have to stay home and answer the phone. What if you get a call from
one of those radio contests, or something?
5. You heard that there's a rabid kangaroo loose in the neighborhood.
6. One of those UFO's might land and you could get kidnapped by little
green men who would perform horrible experiments on you, eventually turning
you into a half-man/half-duck.
7. It's too windy. You might lose your hat.
8. You might run into your old roommate who's angry with you for having
played all those tricks on him.
9. There's Injuns in them woods.
10. You might walk into a church where there's a wedding going on, and
you're hardly dressed for the occassion.
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Fun things to DO in college dorm showers!
1. Enter the stall. Shower for about 3 minutes, then scream really loudly,
exclaiming, "I didn't know I had one of THOSE!"
2. Look over the edge to the person showering next to you, giggle, and then
return to your side, whistling the tune "It's a Small World After All."
3. Bring in a rubber chicken. Get it all soapy, then toss in into the next
stall. Demand that the person in that stall returns it to you, or you will
cast a voodoo curse on them. The next day, hang the chicken from the
bathroom lighting fixtures by a noose and stick numerous pins and forks in
it.
4. Bring a Yoo-Hoo to the shower with you. Complain about a stomachache,
then moan "Ohhhh, um, uh-oh", and pour the Yoo-Hoo down the drain "ditch"
for all to see.
5. Bring dead fish into the shower with you. Let them float down the
drainage "ditch", complaining about the quality of water these days.
6. Hang up the names of different farm animals in the stalls. Have everyone
entering the stalls join you in a rendition of "Old McDonald Had A Farm",
making the sound of their animal in the stall.
7. Turn the stall into a shrine for a pagan god. Call him Weeshy. Insist
that anyone who uses that stall must tithe to receive his benefence and
glory. If they don't tithe, avoid them for the rest of your life.
8. Scream out that your washcloth is attacking you, then fall to the floor
and cover your face with it. Lie there for 2 hours. Three days later, have
a little washcloth pop out of your stomach and terrorize the school.
9. Coat the floor in a fine layer of quick-drying cement.
10. Steal everyone's clothes from the changing compartment. Go into their
rooms and take all their other clothes. Donate to a needy organization. If
you get caught, just say that you thought they were going to throw them
away!
11. Bring in Sesame Street bath books. Read them aloud. Giggle everytime
Bert walks in on Ernie bathing.
12. Stare at people's feet as they bathe. If they do not wash their feet,
tell them so. If this happens a second time, steal their shoes and tell
them that they left on strike. If they do wash their feet and fall down
while doing it, laugh hysterically.
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Fun things to SAY or DO in public restrooms!
"Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."
Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily
function noise.
"Damn, this water's cold."
"Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into
the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
"Now how did that get there?"
"Hummus. Reminds me of hummus."
Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the
stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easyboy!"
"Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."
"C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."
Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
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Darn Women again!
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of
left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit
Adam and Eve in the Garden.
He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the
ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple
who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either
one of you wanted that ability."
Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to
be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please,
oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd be so great! When I'm
working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd
be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that gift to, let me
stand and pee, oh please........." On and on he went like an excited little
boy (who had to pee).
Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if
Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing
that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one
given the ability to stand up and pee.
And so it was. And it was...well, good. "Fine," God said, looking back into
his bag of left-over gifts. "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."
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Two Statues!
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other
in a city park, until one day an angel came down from Heaven.
"You`ve been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "that I`m going
to give you a special gift. I`m going to bring you both to life for thirty
minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his
hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes,
from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking
of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the
bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking knowingly.
Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and
said, "Great! Only this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I`LL shit on its
head."
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The right way to grieve!
A golfer and his buddies where playing a big round of golf for $200. At the
eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the
$200.
As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by.
The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest,
and began to wait for the funeral procession to pass. After it passed, he
picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt.
One of his buddies said, "That was the most touching thing I have ever
seen. I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly losing your
concentration, to pay your respects."
"Well, we were married for 25 years."
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Look Ma No ears!
There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the
only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears.
As a result of this "unusual" handicap, he was very self-conscious.
Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the
insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he
decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business.
So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. He
realized, however, that he had no business knowledge at all. So he decided
that he would have to hire someone to run the business.
He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The first
interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for
this first candidate was, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"
The candidate said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears."
The man got really upset and threw the guy out.
The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was
much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked
the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"
This candidate also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears."
The man was really upset again, and threw the second candidate out.
Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than
the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to
hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice anything unusual
about me?"
The candidate replied, "Yeah, you're wearing contact lenses."
Surprised, the man then asked, "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How
could you tell?"
The guy burst out laughing and said, "Well, you can't wear glasses if you
don't have any fucking ears!"
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Golden Bar!
A guy comes home three sheets to the wind and all three sheets ripping bad,
Budweiser sloshing around in his belly like a keg adrift in a roiling sea.
He sloshes through the door and is met by his wife, who is scowling,
figuring he's been out jumping new bones.
"Where the hell you been all night?" she demands.
"At this fantastic new saloon," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything
there is golden."
"Bullshit! There's no such place!"
Guy says, "Sure there is! Joint's got huge golden doors, a golden floor.
Hell, even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone
book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up
the place to check her husband's story. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she
asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes, it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do."
"Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey,
Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy who pissed in your saxophone!"
[Image]
SEND me some mail! I LOVE MAIL!
WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITES??***Do you have any awesome jokes? Send them and
you will receive FULL credit!!
Mark
mfrances@umich.edu
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CHECK OUT MY OTHER GREAT PAGES!
Goto the TRIVIA page!
Goto the RIDDLES page!
Baaaaack to homepage
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[Image]
Copyright © 1997 Mark Francescutti
Club Funny Archive 11 August 15-30
[Image]
Al Bundy?
As Bill was approaching mid-life, physically he was a mess. Not only was he
going bald, but years of office work had given him a large pot belly. The
last straw came when he asked a woman co-worker out on a date, and she all
but laughed at him. That does it, he decided. I'm going to start a whole
new regimen.
He began attending aerobics classes. He start- ed working out with weights.
He changed his diet. And he got an expensive hair transplant. In six
months, he was a different man.
Again, he asked his female co-worker out, and this time she accepted.
There he was, all dressed up for the date, looking better than he ever had.
He stood poised to ring the woman's doorbell, when a bolt of lightning
struck him and knocked him off his feet.
As he lay there dying, he turned his eyes toward the heavens and said,
"Why, God, why now? After all I've been through, how could you do this to
me?"
From up above, there came a voice, "Sorry. Didn't recognize you."
[Image]
Blonde Virgin Guide
Q: Where can I find the man of my dreams?
A: This is a difficult question, since every virgin probably has a
different ideal of what their own personal Prince Charming should act and
look like. However, when it comes to finding Mr Right, I can give you a
good suggestion on where to start - and that's in a bar. That's right, go
to a bar... preferably the kind that smells of stale beer and lots of men
crowded around watching a sports event on television. Pick a man that looks
interesting - it's best to stay away from the shallow "pretty boys" in
designer clothes with bulging muscles. Instead, I recommend you pick
somebody a little older and wiser, possibly reassuring pot belly. Boldly
approach him, offer to buy him a few beers, then invite him back to your
place. He'll advise you from there.
Q: How do I know if I found Mr Right?
A: Unfortunately, there's no sure way to tell. Therefore, I suggest you try
out many different kinds of men and many different kinds of bars.
Q: Do men like aggressive virgins?
A: Definitely. Although they don't admit it, men are often shy - so it's up
to you to be bold. In addition to bars, don't be afraid to approach men on
street corners, in restaurants, even in restrooms. Break the ice with
simple "hello", followed by an offer to buy them dinner, drinks - even an
expensive gift. Then invite them to back to your place.
Q: What if a man's married?
A: Go for it. This is a great opportunity to enjoy the valuable exper-
ience a married man possesses, without being tied down by any sort of
commitment.
Q: But what if I fall in love with a married man?
A: This is a tough one, especially if you're a woman and find yourself
pregnant. Ask him how he feels about his wife and family. If he says his
wife doesn't understand him and he's thinking of leaving her, believe him
and continue your rela- tionship, secure in the knowledge that he'll soon
make good his promise. Married men rarely lie about such important matters.
Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to
love and sex, experienced men are much more responsible, since they're not
confused emotionally as virgins. It's a proven fact.
Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.
Q: What is afterplay?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly
energy. After- play is simply a list of important activities for you to do
after the lovemaking. This in- cludes lighting his cigarette, making him a
sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep
while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.
Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many virgins believe that quality, not quantity, is
important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male
penis measures about six centimeters. Anything longer than that is
extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is seven
centimeters or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky
stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry,
cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.
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Redneck Letter
OK you might have read this before...but I had to put it up!
Dear child:
I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast. We don't
live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most
accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved. I won't be
able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the
house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their
address. This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not
sure it works too well though. Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain,
and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't too bad here, it only rained twice last week. The first
time it rained for three days and the second time for four days.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a
little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them
off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.
They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she
comes . John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because
it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out. Your sister had a baby this
morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're
an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl your sister is going to name it
after me; She's going to call it mom.
Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out
but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for
three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was
driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends
were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the BBtailgate
down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love,
Mom
PS - I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed
[Image]
Four Fathers!
Four men, all fathers, go to the country club for a round of golf. Three
make their way to the first tee, while the fourth is detained for a minute
in the clubhouse.
The three men start to talk about their sons. "I am so proud of my son,"
says one. "He started out as a carpenter and now owns his own real-estate
development firm. In fact, he's so successful, he just gave one of his
friends a brand new house as a gift."
"I am proud of my son, too," says another father. "He began by selling cars
and now owns a dealership. In fact, he just gave two brand new cars to a
friend as a present."
"Well, that's nothing," pipes up the third Dad. "My son started as a broker
and now is so successful, he just gave a friend a whole portfolio of
stocks."
At this point the fourth father rejoins the group. The other three tell him
what they have been talking about.
"I don't know," begins the fourth Dad. "I am not very proud of my son, I
guess. He's a hairdresser and I just found he's homosexual."
The other three fathers looked down and away, uncomfortable. "On the other
hand," says the fourth, "he must be something special. His last three
boyfriends gave him a new home, two new cars, and a whole pile of stock
certificates."
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From Mark...!
From MARK (the writer of this wonderful page!)
I am SORRY but I MUST take this time to get something off my chest....
I believe that there is a disease in this world that we are totally
ignoring. It causes more pain and suffering with all 5 billion humans, plus
most household pets. It is WORSE than AIDS and Cancer combined!
This Satan to society is PMS!!!!!!! AHHHHH! (Ok guys don't start running
away from the computer screaming!)
I infact believe that PMS is an evil being that invades women's bodies. It
formed all other diseases so know one would really concentrate on PMS.
PMS is the worst...Right now I am at home for the last week before college.
My mom has PMS...lucky for my dad, he had to work overtime (Bullshit!)
I come home and all of a sudden I am the antichrist that has done
everything wrong in the world.
It's raining outside! (My fault)
It's cold! (My fault again)
The stock Market went down! (Guess who's fault that is?)
I get my car (which I PAID for!!!) taken away for the next two days!
WHY?
OH for about a list of 100 things I can't control PLUS I forgot to make my
bed!
SOMEONE needs to do something about this! I think I am switching my major
to pre-med!!
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More Revenge!
Every so often I get a GOOD revenge tactic...HERE is an AWESOME one!!!
If you want to get even with someone that has a car, do the following: Put
a ping-pong ball in the gas tank. Each time they accellerate, the ping-pong
ball will be sucked down, cutting off the gas supply. After the car stalls,
the ball will float up again; and the car will start back up, like no
problem.
This does not do any permanent damage, and will drive them nuts!!!!!
Thanks to robynalt!
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Worst Cartoon Characters!
I found this in a campus newspaper! HOW ODD!
#10- Tweety Bird- You know there's a problem when every single kid roots
for the "hero" to be devoured in each episode. No sense of humor. No
personality. Annoying voice. Plus he was always tattling. I knew kids like
this growing up. Most of them ate paste, sat in the front of the bus, and
got me in trouble.
#9- Grape Ape- A real moron. All he knows how to say is his name. And he
does so non-stop for a half an hour. I'd rather watch "David and Goliath
covet their neighbors model airplane."
#8- Olive Oyl- Am I the only one out there who thought this was one lady
NOT worth fighting over? And that's what they did every episode! She talks
like Edith Bunker and looks like a pipe cleaner with a cheap hat. Hey,
Popeye, you're a sailor... you can do better! Plus Olive can never decide
if she wants to date that jerk Bluto or not. The girl is just bad news.
#7- Petunia Pig- Remember her? Porky's girlfriend? She was a real zero.
What was the point of her anyway? To make Porky look good? Come on, who did
they think they're fooling. We all know Porky is gay.
#6- Pebbles & Bam-Bam, as teenagers- What were they thinking? Were they
trying to cash in on the "Joanie loves Chachi" thing? And how come every
cartoon teenager plays in crumby rock band? An awful-and thankfully
shortlived- idea.
#5- Pepe LePew- Hello, Warner Brothers, ever heard of sexual harassment?
Let's take a good look at this character; a horny, rapist skunk who's
attracted to other species! NOT good for the kids. Plus, worse still, he's
French.
#4- Alan, from Josie and the Pussy Cats- How weak was this Fred" clone?
They even gave him an ascot, for crying out loud. Well, I knew Fred. I grew
up with Fred. Fred was like a friend of mine. Let me tell you
something...you're no Fred.
#3- Zan and Zana, the Wondertwins- How many times do we have to say it?
Leave the crimefighting to the professionals! "Form of... an idiot!" They
should have been voted out of the Hall of Justice a long time ago. There's
no room for dead weight in this game.
#2- Kazoo, from the Flintstones- It's like "Hmmm, a miniature, green
spaceman who appears only to Fred Flintstone isn't enough of a stretch. I
know! Let's give him a snotty London accent!" Um, could I get a drug test
from Hanna Barbara, please?
#1- Scrappy Doo- And, really, who else COULD it be? This guy ruined Scooby
Doo! Just came in and ruined it! Scrappy is the Yoko Ono of Saturday
morning cartoons. I can't even talk about it anymore. It's too upsetting.
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Scary how it is so true!
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store.
In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything
there.
The boss asked him "Have you ever been a salesman before?" "Yes, I was a
salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and
said "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up"
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came
around. The boss duly fronted up and asked "How many sales did you make
today?"
"One" said the young salesman.
"Only One" blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale worth?"
"$300,334.00" said the young man.
"How did you manage that??!!!!" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well" said the salesman, "This man came in and I sold him a small fish
hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a
small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he
was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need
a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty
foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably
wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold
him the new Deluxe Cruiser".
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment "You sold all that
to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"
"No" answered the salesman, "He can in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife
and I said to him, you're weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing"
[Image]
Terrible Accident!
There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's
face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft
any skin from her body because she was so skinny. The husband then donated
some of his skin...however, the only place suitable to the doctor was from
his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because
after all this was a very delicate matter!
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new
beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends
and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty! She was alone
with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did. She
said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There
is no way I could ever repay you!!! He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I
get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you
on your cheek...!!
[Image]
Anything for a lady!
George boarded the aircraft early and was thrilled to see a shapely blond
enter and take the seat next to him. Already breathing hard, he became more
excited upon learning that she was going to a Convention of Nymphomaniacs.
He asked what they discussed at such a convention, and she replied: " We
discuss sexuality and try to dispel some of the old myths, such as the one
that black men are the best endowed - actually, Native Americans are the
largest. And, the old assumption that the French are the best lovers -
actually, Jewish men are more talented and sensitive in bed. But - pardon
me for running on like this without even asking what your name is?" He
pantingly replies: "Tonto Rosenberg" !!
[Image]
Medical Student!
There was a medical student who wanted to specialize in sexual disorders so
he made arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor
was showing him around; discussing some of the cases in the facility.
All of a sudden, the student sees a patient masturbating right in the
middle of the hallway. "What condition does he have?" asks the student.
"He suffers from an extreme case of Semenal Build-up Disorder," the doctor
replies. "If he doesn't manage a sexual release forty to fifty times per
day, he'll fall into a coma."
The student takes some notes on that patient as they continue down the
hall. As they turn the corner, the medical student sees another patient
with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful
nurse.
"What about him?" the student asks.
"Oh, its the same condition," replies the doctor. "He just has a better
health plan."
[Image]
Yo Mama!
I GET TOO MANY requests for these...so here they are!
- Yo mama's so stupid, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
- Yo mama's so stupid, she sold the car for gas money.
- Yo mama's so stupid, that under "Education" on her job application, she
put "Hooked on Phonics".
- Yo mama's so stupid, she failed her blood test.
- Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican phone company.
- Yo mama's so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted
to makeup her mind.
- Yo mama's so stupid, she gave birth to you.
- Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks fruit punch is a gay boxer.
- Yo mama's so stupid, she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
- Yo mama's so stupid, she was on the corner giving out potato chips
yellin' "Free Lays!"
- Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to throw a bird off a cliff.
- Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to drown a fish.
- Yo mama's so stupid, when the computer said "Press any key to continue",
she couldn't find the 'Any' key.
- Yo mama's so stupid, when I was drowning and yelled for a life saver, she
said "Cherry or grape?"
- Yo mama's like an ice cream cone... everyone gets a lick.
- Yo mama's like the Panama Canal, vessels full of seamen pass through her
everyday.
- Yo mama's like a refrigerator, everyone puts their meat in her.
- Yo mama's like cake mix, 15 servings per package!
- Yo mama's like an elevator, guys go up and down on her all day.
- Yo mama's like Denny's... open 24 hours.
- Yo mama's like McDonalds... Billions and Billions served.
- Yo mama's like McDonalds... What you want is what you get.
- Yo mama's like mustard, she spreads easy.
- Yo mama's like lettuce, $1 a head.
- Yo mama's like a hardware store, 25 cents a screw.
[Image]
SEND me some mail! I LOVE MAIL!
WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITES??***Do you have any awesome jokes? Send them and
you will receive FULL credit!!
Mark
mfrances@umich.edu
[Image]
CHECK OUT MY OTHER GREAT PAGES!
Goto the RIDDLES page!
Baaaaack to homepage
Back to Archives
[Image]
Copyright © 1997 Mark Francescutti
Club Funny Archive 12 Sept 1-7
[Image]
Types of People One Meets in A Public Washroom
EXCITABLE--Runs in, grabs for zipper, zipper is stuck; finally gets it
down, finds shorts have twisted around his leg, can't find hole, rips
button off in rage, pees in pants.
INDIFFERENT--All urinals being used, pees in sink.
SOCIABLE--Joins a friend in a pee whether he has to or not.
FRIVOLOUS--Plays stream up and down and across urinal, tries to hit fly,
never grows up.
CROSS-EYED--Looks in one on left, pees in one in middle, flushes one on
right.
CLEVER--No hands, shows off by fixing tie, looks around, pees on floor.
NOSEY--Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
WORRIED--Is not sure of what he has been into lately; makes quick
inspection.
TIMID--Cannot urinate when someone is watching. Flushes urinal as if he has
already used it, sneaks back in later.
ABSENT-MINDED--Opens vest, pulls out tie, pees in pants.
TOUGH--Bangs penis against side of urinal to dry it.
DISGUSTED--Stands for a while, gives up, walks out, goes a few paces, turns
and charges back. Doesn't make it.
FAT--Has to back up and take a long blind shot at urinal, misses, pees on
shoes.
DESPERATE--Waits in long line, teeth grinding, pees in pants.
LITTLE--Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
SNEAKY--Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next
stall will be blamed.
DRUNK--Holds left thumb in right hand, pees in pants.
CHILDISH--Looks directly into bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
PATIENT--Stands for a very long time, reads paper with free hand.
EFFICIENT--Waits until he has to poop and then does both jobs at once.
[Image]
Signs you hired the wrong clown!
By the end of the party, he's got every damn kid doing the "pull my finger"
trick.
Clown car must be started with breathalyzer device.
Props for his "disappearing" trick: a moving van and your wide-screen TV.
Tells the kids he killed Barney in a blood match in Newark.
Didn't bring any balloons, but manages to twist your dachshund into other
animal shapes.
Prefaces each trick with, "here's a little number I learned in the joint."
Not exactly the Peewee Herman impression you were expecting.
Wears a T-Shirt that says, "Drug-free since March!"
More interested in squirting seltzer into his Scotch than into his pants.
A sad clown is one thing -- a clown who spends the entire party with a gun
to his temple is another thing entirely.
Only balloon animals he can make are a snake and a "snake on acid."
Price list includes "lap dance" and "around the world."
All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated.
[Image]
Good excuse!!!!
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status
figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted
everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she
didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to
run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some
snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down
the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he
noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little
further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great
if she would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering
the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was
standing right over him.
They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at
her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It
got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out
there. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh
no!!! My wife's dinner party! !!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on
real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach
all the way to his apartment.
He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he
got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were
snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry
wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He
looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back
at the snails and said:
"Come on guys, we're almost there!"
[Image]
Seminars for the Sexes!
SEMINARS FOR FEMALES (prepared & presented by males)
1. Are You Ready to Leave?: Definition of the Word YES
2. Appropriate Rhetorical Questions (formerly titled "Honey, Do I Look
Fat?")
3. Elementary Map Reading
4. Crying and Law Enforcement
5. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR
6. You CAN Go Shopping for Less Than 4 Hours
7. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast
8. The Seven-Outfit Week
9. PMS: It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine ("It's Happened Monthly Since Puberty:
Deal With It)
10. Driving I: Getting Past Automatic Transmission
11. Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Orange Lights
12. Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed
13. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving: It's as Simple as Oil & Water
14. Football: Not a Game, A Sacrament
15. Telephone Translations (formerly titled "Me Too Equals I Love You")
16. How To Earn Your Own Money
17. Gift Giving Fundamentals (formerly titled "Fabric Bad, Electronics
Good")
18. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side
19. Know When to Say When: The Limits of Makeup
20. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry
21. We Forget Birthdays, You Forget Sports Stats: Let's Let It Drop
22. MYOB: The Proper Response to Other Couple's Public Arguments
23. Yes, You Can Fill Up With Your Own Petrol
24. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels
25. What Comes Around Goes Around: Why His Credit Card is not a Toy
26. His Best Friend Can Be Yours Too
27. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out
28. Commitment Schmittment (formerly titled "Wedlock Schmedlock")
29. To Honor and Obey: Remember the Small Print Above "I Do"
30. Why Your Mother is Unwelcome in The House
31. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard or Victimized Sensitive Man?
SEMINARS FOR MALES (prepared and presented by females)
1. Combatting Stupidity
2. You Too Can Do Housework
3. PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
4. How to Fill an Ice Tray
5. We Don't Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas, Give Us Money
6. Understanding the Female Response to Your Coming in Drunk at 4am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly titled "Don't Wash My Silks")
8. Parenting: No, It Doesn't End With Conception
9. Get a Life: Learn to Cook
10. How Not to Act Like a Jackass When You're Obviously Wrong
11. Spelling: Even You Can Get It Right
12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
13. You: The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons to Give Flowers
15. How to Stay Awake in Public
16. Why it is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere but in a Bathroom
17. Garbage: Getting it to the Curb
18. You Can Fall Asleep Without IT if You Really Try
19. The Morning Dilemma if IT's Awake: Take a Shower
20. I'll Wear it if I Damn Well Please
21. How to Put the Toilet Lid Down (formerly titled "No, It's not a Bidet")
22. "The Weekend" and "Sports" are not Synonyms
23. Give Me a Break: Why We Know Your Excuses are Bull
24. How to Go Shopping With Your Mate and not Get Lost
25. The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
26. Romanticism: Ideas Other Than Sex
27. Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes
28. Mothers-in-Law: They are People Too
29. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends at Home
30. You Too Can Be a Designated Driver
31. Seeing the True You (formerly titled "No, You Don't Look Like Mel
Gibson When Naked")
32. Changing Your Underwear: It Really Works
33. The Attainable Goal: Omit "tits" From Your Vocabulary
34. Fluffing the Blankets After Flatulating is Not Necessary
35. Techniques of Calling Home
[Image]
Rules for Strip Monopoly!
1. All clothing is considered legal tender, for debts both public, and
private, at the values listed.
2. Any clothing given to the bank is removed from the game.
3. If you do not have cash, then you MUST pay in clothes.
4. All payments to the bank for Chance, Community Chest, Income Tax, ect.
must include at least one item of clothing(not necessarily yours).
5. When paying rent to another player, you must roll 1d6. If it comes up 5,
or 6, you must include one item of clothing for the rent. Full Change of
the appropriate amount will be given, in either cash,or clothes.
6. YOU MAY NOT WEAR ANY OTHER PLAYERS CLOTHING!!!!!!!!!!
Clothing values:
Note: all values may be ajusted in response to sexy underwear, or similar
circumstances.
Jewelry---------$3.00 per type(if you have 10 bracelets, together they are
worth $3.00)
Shoes-----------$5.00 per pair
Socks-----------$5.00 per pair
Shirt-----------$50.00 (male, female w/ bra)
Shirt----------$350.00 (female w/out bra)
Pants----------$100.00 (w/ underwear)
Pants----------$600.00 (w/out underwear)
Bra------------$300.00
Underwear------$500.00
*values listed here are assumed to be worn. once an item of clothing is
removed from the body, the price drops to the lowest price for that item.
(ex: once a shirt w/out a bra is sold, its price drops from $350 $50) All
outer clothing not listed here, is worth $1.00 a piece. Any clothing not
listed (ie:garter belts) the price will be set by the group.
[Image]
Computer trying to pick you up?!
A message from your CPU
You look really sexy in that ...thing you've got on tonight. I like the way
your eyes are always open when you read your E-mail.. When you type, it
reminds me of a concert pianist tinkling on her keys. You really know how
to push the right buttons to turn me on. If I wasn't a computer, I'd show
you what "Hard Drive" really means! But, I'm only a bundle of circuits and
wires, obeying your every command. Yes master! I'll balance your check
book. Yes master! I'll run your silly little program. Don't get me
wrong...I like the Master/Slave thing, but maybe just once in a while you
could show some compassion. Maybe instead of just ramming the diskette in,
you could slide it in slowly, maybe even blow in the slot first. And maybe
instead of just using me and turning me off when you're through, we could
talk for a while afterwards. I know other computers have hurt you in the
past. But I'm different. I may be a little slow, but I've got a big mouse!
So come on baby, don't fight it. You know you want it. I'll just turn off
the lights and..and.....What? ......ok.......well, will you at least think
about it?
[Image]
Answering Machine!
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your
name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now,
because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and
down, and I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a message,
and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not
here. So leave a message.
Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid
institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you
owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent.
Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a
message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
[Image]
SEND me some mail! I LOVE MAIL!
WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITES??***Do you have any awesome jokes? Send them and
you will receive FULL credit!!
Mark
mfrances@umich.edu
[Image]
CHECK OUT MY OTHER GREAT PAGES!
Goto the RIDDLES page!
Baaaaack to homepage
Back to Archives
[Image]
Copyright © 1997 Mark Francescutti
LAST ARCHIVE!
[Image]
Rabbits..
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had
been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the
compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for
the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't
long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a
wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the
lush grass. "Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've
just escaped. Are you wild rabbits? "Yes. Come and join us," they cried.
Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so
good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them
said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig
them up and eat them." This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour
eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked
them again, "What else do you do?" "You see that field there? It's got
lettuce growing in it. We eat them as ell." The lettuce tasted just as good
and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you
guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and
spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits
there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls.
We shag them. Go and try it." Well, our friend spent the rest of the
morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he
staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted. "So are
you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a
great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit
surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here." "I do," our friend replied.
"But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."
[Image]
VERY FUNNY!
A boy and his father visiting from a third world country were at a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two
shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy
asked his father, "What is this, Father?". The father responded, "Son I
have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!".
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a
wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls
opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed
and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers
above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in
the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24-year
old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother".
[Image]
Always a flaw!
A single man wanted someone to help him with the household chores, so he
decided to get a pet to help out. He went to the local pet shop and asks
the owner for advice on a suitable animal. The owner suggested a dog, but
the man said, "Nah, dogs can't do dishes." The owner then suggested a cat,
but the man said, "Nah, cats can't do the ironing" Finally the owner
suggests a centipede, "This is the perfect pet for you. It can do
anything!" OK, the man thought, I'll give it a try, so he bought it and
took it home. Once home he told the centipede to wash the dishes. The
centipede looks over and there are piles and piles of dirty dishes that
look to be a month old. Five minutes later, all the pots are washed, dried
and put away. Great, thought the man. Now he told the centipede to do the
dusting and vacuuming. 15 minutes later the house is spotless. Wow, thought
the man, so he decided to try another idea. "Go down to the corner and get
me the evening paper," he told the centipede, and off it went. 15 minutes
later, the centipede hadn't returned. 30 minutes later and still no
centipede. 45 minutes and the man was sick of waiting, so he got up and
went out to look for the centipede. As he opened the front door, there on
the step was the centipede. "Hey, whatcha' doing there? I sent you out for
the paper 45 minutes ago and now I find you out here without the paper!
What gives?" "Hold on a goddamned minute!" said the centipede, "I'm still
putting on my fu*king boots!!!"
[Image]
Five Little Pigs
A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were tough, had determined to
take them to the county fair and sell them. While at the fair, he met
another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided
to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles
away from each other so they agreed to each drive thirty miles and find a
field in which to mate their pigs. The first morning, the farmer with the
female pigs got up at 5:00 am., loaded the pigs into the family station
wagon, which was the only vehicle he had left, and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if
they're pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass
grazing in the morning, then they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, then
they're not." The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so he hosed
them off, loaded them again into the family station wagon and proceeded to
try again. The following morning, MUD again!! This continued all week until
one morning the farmer was so tired that he couldn't get out of bed. He
called his wife and said, "Honey, look outside and tell me if the pigs are
in the mud or in the field." "Neither one", yelled his wife, "They're in
the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn!"
[Image]
MORE! You know you're an alcoholic when...
JMitch clipped the bad ones when he sent them to me!
2. empty beer bottles serve as home decorations
4. tequila worms fear your name
6. the only time you read newspapers is to find the cheapest beer in town
8. you have a top 10 beer list
10. you start to prefer puking up one beer over another
14. all girls look hot at the party
15. you're on a first name basis at the detoxification center
16. empty kegs serve as a pretty cool television stand
18. you think somethings wrong because the room stopped spinning
20. you take communion and go back for seconds
21. you have to hold on to the grass to keep you from falling off the earth.
22. You spend Wednesday night sending ridiculous messages to people on the
Internet ending with, "By the way, what are you drinking?"
23. in the morning your hair hurts and you think that someone has painted
a base coat of fuzz on your tongue.
24. no woman is ugly at last call.
25. you frequently urinate outdoors.
26. The only reason that you cuddle up to the Mrs. is to cop her Bud Light.
27. beer ads make sense.
32. you go to brush something from your shoulder and it turns out to be the
floor.
33. You wake up to the sound of your dog drinking out of the toilet, and you
are so dry that it sounds mighty thrist quenching.
39. You can belch the alphabet forwards and backwards, then follow it with a
stirring rendition of the National Anthem.
40. ... after a night out, you often have more furniture than you did the
day before.
41. You get the operator to give you an early morning wake up call to make
sure you're at the pub for opening time.
42. When you shit blood.
43. The space on your drivers license that tells your eye color reads
"bloodshot".
46. You fall down a flight of steps and DON'T spill a drop of your beer.
50. ...your Family Tree is firmly planted in the front lawn of the Betty
Ford Clinic.
51. ...you need to take witnesses with you to confession because you can't
exactly remember what you did and the priest wouldn't believe you anyway.
55. there is photographic evidence that you didn't know about
60. you find yourself making a rum and coke at mcdonalds.
61. you kiss your girlfriends neck in search of spilled beer.
64. you think your a genius because you found a way to make a beer funel
out of a used douche.
65. you grow a beard because it stops beer thats running down your chin.
67. you watch amatures getting drunk with the glee of a redneck watching a
cock fight.
70. your fiends call you at noon to ask if you want to go out drinking that
night and you have to refuse because your already too tanked to drive.
72. your life savings is contained in an empty fosters can.
77. you get so liquored up you pass out while admiring the stars...
and fall from the third floor balcony.
78. You first wake up and you're afraid you're gonna die and a half hour
later you're afraid you won't.
83. You fall asleep taken a dump.
85. the store you buy beer at holds your 2 cases a night at the front
counter for you because they know you can't make it to the back of the
store
87. you use the automatic teller 37 times so you can get some
statements to use for toilet paper when you shit in the road
88. you puke your lungs as a palette cleanser
89. your kidneys hurt but you figure a few schooners should take care of it
90. you go to bed with Cindy Crawford but wake up with Ru Paul
100. You wake up in the gutter, spit our several broken teeth, haul yourself
to your feet, brush yourself off, and think "Shit, this
is no way for a Bishop to behave..."
102. you need to shut one eye just to see double.
105. your organ donor recipient wakes up with a hangover.
108. you take brewery tours more often than you visit your relatives
113. When the girl with you topples from to much alcohol and the first thing
you and her boyfriend do is check that the glasses
you were smuggling out in her handbag are okay
121. You go home with a fine-looking, long-haired blonde and wake up next to
the San Diego Chicken.
122. You have more traffic cones than the Department of Transportation.
123. You know more drinks than the bartender.
126. You're dumb enough to come home sober and you get attacked by your dog.
127. When you come home and spend ten frustrating minutes trying to change
channels on the T.V., only to find you still have
the garage door opener in your hand
128. -You find yourself saying,"This stuffz not to bad!" and look down at the
bottle in your hand to see the words Zima
129. -You don't understand what the fuss about Virtual Reality is because all
you need be in your own little world is a bottle of Wild Turkey
131. -You ask your Boss if you can be paid in six-packs
142. you're willing to drink a can of natural light ice.
145. your toilet has a customized chin rest and handles.
146. you bite your tongue and it tastes like a pickle.
147. You go to the bar to get drunk, not to hit on the women.
148. ...you kick your girlfriend out of bed in order to sleep with your
wastebasket.
152. an eye-opener in the morning changes from a cup of coffee to last
night's bar tab receipt.
156. When the bottle says 20 standard drinks but you only get 5.
157. I'm hungry so I think I'd better get a drink instead
159. You spell Alcohol with a capital letter out of respect.
163. ...you find a true "drinking buddy" is one who will buy the beer and
drink socially while you proceed to get sloshed.
166. ...you find it funny that your puke is neon colored.
167. ...you gag yourself to throw up then are able to lick off the puke left
on your finger.
168. ..you regularly wake to the greeting "Guess what YOU did last night!"
169. ..you go to the john to hurl, but you take your beer with you.
170. Your mornin- breath keeps the house free of bugs
180. ... Guinness Extra Stout tastes like Coor's Light.
192. Life is good. I am drunk. This is all I ask.
196. You have deep intellectual conversations of the brillance of Olde
English 40's
197. You think of beer during masturbation.
211. - you know exactly how much everything at the liquor store costs, before
and after taxes.
214. When you use Cuervo as a sex lube.
216. ... when you spend the next day passed out on the bathroom floor, rolled
up in a Canadian flag, with your head aimed at
the toilet.
220. ...You grab your slingshot and go out on the prowl for the cat you're
convinced shit in your mouth while you were
sleeping...
221. ...you tell a concerned nurse at a party "Oh, it's OK, I pass out in the
recovery position". Then she comes up to you the
next morning and says "You were right, I checked"
231. the Budweiser Frogs are petitioning to have you become their fourth
member.
236. you think the death penalty wouldn't be so bad if the condemned party
got to drink a forty before he/she died.
[Image]
Swans
Once or twice each year snow and sleet move into the eastern shores of
Maryland. When this happens, if the river is at its narrowest, or if the
creek is shallow, there is a freeze which hardens the water to ice. It was
on such a morning near Oxford, Maryland that a friend of mine set the
breakfast table beside the huge window which looked out from her home on
the Tred Avon River. Across the river, beyond the dock, the snow laced the
rim of the shore in white. For a moment she looked quietly, looking at what
the night's storm had painted.
Suddenly, she leaned forward and peered close to the frosted window. 'It
really is", she cried aloud. "there's a goose out there!"
She reached to the bookcase and pulled out a pair of binoculars. Into their
sights came the figure of a large Canadian goose very still, its wings
folded tight to its sides, its feet frozen to the ice.
Then, from the dark sky, white against its lackluster, she saw a line of
swans. They moved in their own singular formation, graceful, intrepid and
free. As my friend watched, the leader swung to the right. Then the white
string of birds became a white circle. It floated from the top of the sky
downward. At last, as easy as feathers coming to earth, the circle landed
on the ice.
My friend was on her feet now. As the swans surrounded the frozen goose,
she feared that what life he still maintained might be pecked out by those
great swan's bills. Instead, amazingly, those bills began to work on the
ice! The long necks were lifted and curved down, agan and again, as
deliberately as picks swung over the head of a fisherman cutting a free
space for his winter rod. It went on for a long time.
At last, the goose was rimmed by a narrow margin of ice instead of the
entire creek. The swans rose again, following the leader, and hovered in
that circle, awaiting the results of their labors. The goose's head was
lifted. It's body pulled. Then the goose was free and standing on the ice.
He was moving his big webbed feet slowly. The swans stayed in the air over
him watching.
Then, as if he had cried,"I cannot fly." four of the swans came down around
him. Their powerful beaks scraped the goose's wings from bottom to top,
scuttled under its wings and rode up its body, chipping off and melting the
ice held in the feathers.
Slowly, as if testing, the goose spread its wings as far as they would go,
brought them together, accordian-like, and spread again. Then at last the
wings reached their full, the four swans took off and joined the hovering
group. They resumed their eastward journey, in perfect, impersonal
formation, to a secret destination.
Behind them, rising with incredible speed and joy, the goose moved into the
sky. He followed them, flapping double time, until he caught up, until he
joined the last of the line, like a small dark child at the end of a crack
- the - whip of older boys.
My friend watched them until they disappeared over the tips of the farthest
trees. Only then did she realize that tears were running down her cheeks
and had been for how long she did not know. This is a true story. I
happened. I do not try to interpret it. I just think of it in the bad
moments, and from it comes only one hopeful question: "If so for birds, why
not for man?"
Club Funny Archive 1
[Image]
Is there a Santa Claus?
As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help
from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am
pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Clause.
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of
living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects
and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only
Santa has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since
Santa doesn't appear to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist
children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million
according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average census rate of 3.5
children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. (One presumes there's at
least one good child in each.)
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different
time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west
(which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is
to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has
1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney,
fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat
whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the
sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8
million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we
know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept),
we are now talking about...78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2
million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least
once in 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000
times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made
vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per
second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming
that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds),
the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably
described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more
than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could
pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even
nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even
counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison
- this is four times the weight of the Queen Mary.
5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air
resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as
spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer
will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short,
they will burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer
behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire
reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa,
meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater
than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be
pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
IN CONCLUSION - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's
dead now.
[Image]
The Doctor and the Farter
A fellow goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem that I
am always farting all of the time. Although they don't smell, they do make
loud noises, and it is affecting my social life."
The doctor gives him some pills, and asks him to return next week.
He returns, and says, "Those pills did no good. In fact they made things
worse. I still fart as much, but now they smell terrible."
To which the doctor replies, "Good! Now that we have your nose working
again, lets work on your farting"
[Image]
The Couple
One day, a married man goes to the attic of his home to put a few things in
storage. While he is there, he notices a large steamer trunk sitting in the
corner. When he tries to open it, he finds it is locked. Puzzled and
curious, he calls his new bride up to the attic and asks her about the
trunk.
She tells him that it is hers and that it only contains some personal
things. She sits him down and reminds him that she makes him happy when
he's feeling down, that she keeps the house meticulously clean, that she
cooks him fantastic meals 7 days a week, and that she gives him all the sex
he wants, anytime he wants it. Then she tells him if he is happy with all
of those things, that he should forget about the trunk because she will not
talk about it. "Fair enough," says the husband, and he finishes cleaning
out the attic.
On their 25th wedding anniversary, he pulls the trunk down the stairs, into
the middle of the living room floor, and calls to his wife. "Honey," he
says, "we've been married for 25 years and I think it's time we had a
heart-to-heart talk. What the hell is in that trunk?" The wife immediately
protests, reminding him once again about the clean house, the good food and
the great sex. "I don't care," he tells her. "After 25 years we ought to be
able to talk about anything. Now open this goddamn trunk!" So, she takes a
key from a chain hanging around her neck and opens the trunk. Inside is
three ears of corn and 25 thousand dollars in cash.
"Jesus Christ!" shouts the surprised husband. "What's going on here? Where
did all of this come from?" "Well, sweetie," replies the wife, "you said we
could talk, so I'll tell you what you want to know. Over the years, I tried
to stay faithful to you, but I wasn't always successful. Every time that I
cheated on you, I put an ear of corn into the trunk." The husband cannot
believe the shocking confession that he has just heard, but after mulling
it over in his mind for a few moments he says to his wife, "All right, I
admit I'm not too thrilled about this, but I did say we should be honest
with each other, and I guess I can live with three times of infidelity in
25 years. But where did all the money come from?"
"Well," she replies, "whenever the trunk got full, I sold the corn."
[Image]
The Italian ona vacation
One day Ima gonna to Detroit to a bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat
breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna two piss's toast. She brings me
only one piss. I tella her I wanna two piss. She says go to the toilet. I
say -- you no understand, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you better
no piss on the plate. You sonna ma bi***. I don't even know the lady and
she call me a sonna ma bi***.
Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon
anna knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. --she tells me everyone
wanna fock. I tella her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She
say you better not fock on the table you sonna ma bi***.
So I go back to my room ina hotel and there is no shits ona my bed. I calla
the manager and tella him a wanna sh**. he tella me to go to the toilet. I
say you no understand, I wanna sh** ona bed. He say you better no sh** on
the bed you sonna ma bi***.
I go the checkout and the man at the desk say "Peace to you". I say piss
ona you too, you sonna ma bi***........I gonna back to Italy.
[Image]
What NOT to name your dog
from www.funnybone.com
Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine Sex.
Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew
his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex.
He said, "I'd like to have one, too." Then I said, "But this is a dog!" He
said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "But you don't
understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said I must have
been quite a kid.
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told
the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room
for Sex. He said every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't
understand. Sex keeps me awake at night!" The clerk said, "Me too."
One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the
dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just stading there
looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He
told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I
said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show-off.
When my wife and I seaparted, we went to court to fight custody of the dog.
I said, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me
too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me
too."
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A
cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in
the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex."
My case comes up Friday.
[Image]
Little Timmy
Little Timmy Zimmerman lived with his parents and grandparents. Late one
night Timmy got out of bed and heard moaning coming from his parent's room.
He walked down the hall and peeked through his parents door.
He saw his dad and mom naked on the bed. They were shaking up and down
vigorously.
Timmy asked, "Dad! What are you and mother doing?"
His father replied, "Uh, um, were playing poker, and um, your mom is my
wild card!"
"Oh," Timmy replied, and he walked down the hall towards his grandparents
room. He was hearing moaning again.
He peeked through his grandparents door to find his grandparents naked on
the bed.
They were shaking up and down vigorously.
Timmy asked, "Grandpa! What are you and grandma doing?"
His grandpa replied, "Uh, um, were playing poker, and um, your grandma is
my wild card!"
"Oh," Timmy replied, and he walked backed towards his room.
Later that evening, Timmy's dad was awakening by moaning and groaning
coming from Timmy's room. He wondered if he was sick or hurt so he went
down the hall and opened the door.
The dad found Timmy lying on his bed naked and jacking off.
"Timmy!" His dad shouted, "What are you doing?!"
"I'm playing poker!" said Timmy proudly.
"But Timmy," his father asked, "Where is your wild card?!"
Timmy replied, "WITH A HAND THIS GOOD, WHO NEEDS A WILD CARD!"
[Image]
An Irish Tale
By DAVE BARRY Knight-Ridder News Service
I RECENTLY spent a week in Ireland, and I can honestly say that I have
never been to any place in the world where it is so easy to partake of the
local culture, by which I mean beer. Ireland also contains history, nice
people, enormous quantities of scenery and a rich cultural heritage,
including (more on this later) Elvis.
Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but
steadily being consumed by sheep. It consists mostly of scenic pastures
occasionally interrupted by quaint towns with names such as (these are
actual Irish town names) Ardfert, Ballybunion, Coole, Culleybackey, Dingle,
Dripsey, Emmoo, Feakle, Fishguard, Gweedore, Inch, Knockaderry, Lack, Leap,
Lusk, Maam, Meentullynagarn, Muff, Newmarket-on-Fergus, Nutt's Corner,
Oola, Pontoon, Rear Cross, Ringaskiddy, Screeb, Sneem, Spiddle, Spink,
Stradbally, Tang and Tempo.
These towns are connected by a modern, state-of-the-art system of medieval
roads about the width of a standard bar of hotel soap; the result is that
motorists drive as fast as possible in hopes of getting to their
destinations before they meet anybody coming the other way. The only thing
that prevents everybody from going 120 miles per hour is the nationwide
system--probably operated by the Ministry of Traffic Safety --of tractors
being driven very slowly by old men wearing caps; you encounter these
roughly every two miles, rain or shine, day or night. As an additional
safety measure, the roads are also frequented by herds of cows, strolling
along and mooing appreciatively at the countryside, reminding you very much
of tour groups.
A typical Irish town consists of several buildings, one of which is always
a bar, called a ''pub.'' Next to this there will typically be another pub,
which is adjacent to several more pubs. Your larger towns may also have a
place that sells food, but this is not critical.
Inside the pubs you will usually find Irish people, who are very friendly
to strangers, especially compared to the British, who as a rule will not
voluntarily speak to you until you have lived in Britain for a minimum of
850 years. The Irish, on the other hand, will quickly start a conversation
with you, and cheerfully carry it on at great length, with or without your
help. One evening in a busy Dublin pub I watched an elderly, well-dressed,
cap-wearing gentleman as he sat in the corner and, for two solid hours,
struck up a lively conversation with every single person or group who sat
within 10 yards of him, including a group of German tourists, only one of
whom spoke even a little English. The man spoke to them in a thick brogue
on a variety of topics for several minutes while they looked at him with
the bright, polite smiles of people who do not have a clue what is being
said to them. When he finished, they conferred briefly in German, and then
the one who spoke a little English said, quote, ''Everyone is pleased that
he or she is welcome.''
You definitely feel welcome in Ireland. But there's more to do there than
just talk to Irish people in pubs. You can also drive around the
countryside, alternately remarking ''Look, sheep!'' and ''Here's another
tractor!'' You can visit a bunch of old castles built by the Normans, who
at one point conquered Ireland despite being called the ''Normans,'' which
is, let's face it, not an impressive-sounding name. It's kind of like being
conquered by the ''Freds.''
Probably the best-known castle is the one in the town of Blarney, which
contains the famous Blarney Stone. To get to it, you have to climb steep,
narrow, tourist-infested steps to the top of the castle; there, a local man
holds you as you lean out over the castle wall and kiss the Blarney Stone.
Legend has it that if you do this, you will give the man a tip. Also at a
castle in a town called Kilkenny I saw a local radio station doing a live
remote broadcast, featuring a Frozen Food Challenge in which a local
resident had to answer a multiple-choice question on the history of
refrigeration. She got it right, and won a hamper of frozen foods.
''Brilliant!'' she said.
But in my opinion the cultural highlight of the trip occurred in the town
of Ennis, where a pub called Brandon's had a sign outside that said
''Traditional Irish Music.'' This turned out to be a traditional Irish
Elvis impersonator. I realize that there are literally thousands of quality
Elvis impersonators, and I'm sure you've seen some excellent ones, but I am
here to tell you that this one, in this unremarkable town in western
Ireland, was beyond question the worst Elvis impersonator in world history.
He sang along to a tape of instrumental Elvis tunes, which he played on a
sound system that he never, not once in two solid hours, got adjusted
right. Every time he'd start singing a song, the sound system would screech
and honk with feedback; Elvis would then whirl around and spend minutes at
a time unsuccessfully adjusting various knobs while he mumbled the lyrics,
so that for most of the evening all you saw was Elvis' butt, accompanied by
screeching and honking and vague off-key singing. Often, by the time he'd
finished twiddling the knobs, Elvis had lost track of what song he was
singing; he'd frown into the distance, trying various tunes until he
thought he was on the right track, at which point inevitably the screeching
and honking would start up, forcing Elvis to whirl back around, like a man
being attacked by bees, and treat the audience to another lengthy view of
his butt. The crowd, which I will frankly admit was consuming alcoholic
beverages, enjoyed this performance immensely, cheering wildly at the end
of each song. They like their fun, the Irish. I'm definitely going back
some day....
Maybe I'll rent a tractor.
[Image]
The SMART student
A School Teacher is holding math class when she poses the following
question to her students: "There are Three birds perched on a highwire. One
is shot down, how many birds are left?"
Little Johnny raises his hand and waves frantically at the teacher ... "me
- me - teacher, pick me!!!"
The teacher says, "Okay Johnny, how many birds remain on the highwire?"
Little Johnny replied "None! 'Cuz when you shoot one, it will scare the
other two away!!"
Hmmmmm Teacher thought a moment and said, "Well, no Johnny, the answer I'm
looking for is TWO, but I LIKE THE WAY YOU THINK"!!!
Little Johnny raised his hand and when the teacher called on him he
countered: "Teacher, I have one for YOU! There are three women sitting on a
park bench. Each one has a popsickle. The first one is licking it, the
second lady is sucking hers, and the third lady is biting her popsickle.
Which woman is married?"
The teacher hesitated only briefly before replying... "the woman that is
sucking her popsickle"
Little Johnny smiled and said, "No, it's the woman that is wearing the
wedding ring........ but, I LIKE THE WAY YOU THINK!!!"
[Image]
The EEL
HOW TO KILL AN EEL (A true story) Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like
other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about
courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done.
One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered.
Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the
curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend.
This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his
mother.
Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of
the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be
getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought
so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just
like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he
seemed to have trouble finding her heart. He was getting sick too, because
pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His
other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt.
About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the
fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him she was really
HOT.
Finally, I found out what was making them so sick.... a big eel had gotten
inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there
about 9 inches long. HONEST!
Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis
saw it she got really scared. Her eyes big and her mouth fell open, and she
started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the
ones I saw at the lake!
"Anyway", sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off.
All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go... I guess it bit her
back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a
muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from
biting again.
Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it. And
he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a
fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset
the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between
them.
After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend
sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel... I knew it was dead
because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out.
Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on
courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And by golly,
the eel wasn't dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight
again. I guess eels are like cats.... they have nine lives or something.
This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it.
After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it
was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and
flush it down the toilet.
Mother fainted.
[Image]
The Perfect Day According To :
HER
8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 pounds lighter on the scale
9:30 Light breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex - notice she's gained 30 lbs.
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms
HIM
10:00 Wake up
10:02 Oral sex
10:10 Big Breakfast
11:30 Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters
2:15 Enormous lunch
3:15 Oral sex
3:25 Play sports with the guys
4:30 Drink beer with the guys
6:30 Meet Claudia Schiffer
6:40 Oral sex
6:50 Huge dinner, more beer
11:00 Full on, get down, gorilla sex
11:10 Sleep
[Image]
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from
employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through
our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to
give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job,
please see your manager. You will be immediatetly placed at the top of the
S.H.I.T. List, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you
get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL
EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take
D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING
(E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were
promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, as they are all full of
S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training
others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST
(B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the
S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY
PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING
(H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).
Thank you.
BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
[Image]
SEND me some mail! I LOVE MAIL!
ALSO****Do you have any awesome jokes? Send them and you will receive FULL
credit!!
Mark
rubicant@voyager.net
[Image]
CHECK OUT MY OTHER GREAT PAGES!
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[Image]
Copyright © 1997 Mark Francescutti
Club Funny Archive 2
[Image]
MAN, I'M GLAD I'M A MAN, MAN
Everyday I give thanks to God
I was born a man instead of a broad
When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV
I don't shave my legs, I stand up to pee
I go to a barber, not a beauty salon
Don't pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on
Don't wax my pubes so I can wear shorts
I use my turn signal, I understand sports
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't go through a faze every 28 days
Man, I'm glad I'm a man
I pay cash at the grocery, no checks or coupons
Don't take a lot of friends when I go the the john
I don't throw a fit when I break a nail
I don't buy a lot of shoes just because they're on sale
I don't apply makeup in my rear-view mirror
I don't think of Bambi when I'm out hunting deer
I drink beer from a bottle, not from a glass
I don't ask my friends about the size of my ass
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't face the pain of water-weight gain
Man, I'm glad I'm a man
Let me tell you ladies
Listen to me ladies
I love those things inside of your blouse
I love your pretty faces
Your warm and soft embraces
But if I had my own two boobs, I'd never leave the house
I don't spend two hours getting ready for a date
I don't play with dolls unless they inflate
When someone asks me my age, I never lie
After sex in bed, my spot's always dry
I don't read about orgasms in Vogue magazines
I don't mind if my dates try to get in my jeans
I don't spend a fortune on French lingerie
This is the same underwear I wore yesterday
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't take a pill, I don't use Massengill
Man, I'm glad I'm a man
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I find Michael Bolton completely revoltin'
Man, I'm glad I'm a man
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I'm Glad I'm A Woman
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old penis envy
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!
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The BIG one and the Frog
From CRZYCRITER@aol.com
A man with a 50 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is
unable to get any women to have sex with him. "They all tell me that my
penis is too long."
"Doctor,"he asked, in total frustration, "Is there any way you can shorten
it?"
The doctor replied, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do
know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him
directions to the witch. The man calls uponthe witch and relays his story.
"Witch, my penis is 50 inches long and I can't get any women to have sex
with me. Can you help me shorten it?"
The witch asked him to "Pull it out and let me look at it. " The man
uncoils his 50 inch penis. The witch stares in amazement, scratches her
head, and then replies, "I think I have a solution to your problem. What
you have to do is go to this pond deep in the forest. In the pond you will
see a frog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma. First you must
ask the frog, will you marry me? Each time the frog declines your proposal,
your penis will be ten inches shorter."
The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He came upon the
pond and sure enough, there sat this frog on a log. He called out to the
frog, "will you marry me?" The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied,
"NO". The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 10 inches shorter.
"WOW," he screamed out loud, "This is great!! But it's still too long at 40
inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again." "Frog, will you marry
me?," the guy shouted. The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and
screamed back, "NO!" The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down,
and it was another 10 inches shorter. The man laughed, "This is fantastic."
He looked down at his penis again, 30 inches long, and reflected for a
moment. Thirty inches is still a monster, just a little less would be
ideal. So, I'll ask the frog to marry me one more time. Grinning, he looked
across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?"
The frog looked back across pond shaking its head,
"NO..........NO..........and for the last time..........NO." =)
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The Genie And The Lawyer
The next three jokes are from Daised259@aol.com, she's got a great comedy
mag!!
A man is walking along the beach and finds a lamp. As he's dusting it off a
genie appears and tells him he's entitled to make three wishes, but
whatever he wishes for his attorney would receive double. He wishes for a
trillion dollars, so his attorney got two trillion. He wished for a mansion
fully furnished and staffed in every country in the world, his lawyer ended
up with two each. For his third wish he thought long and hard. he finally
turned to the genie and said, "For my third wish I'd like you to beat me
half to death."
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Accidental Love
A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway
the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off
your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer
hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so
busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl
is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are
trapped in the car. "Go get help.", he pleads. She replies, "I can't, I'm
naked." He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your
snatch with that and go get help." She takes the shoe, covers herself, and
runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and
yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!" The attendant
looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss.
He's too far in."
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The Himelich Maneuver:
A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the country. She
orders the chicken and begins eating. Eating too fast she chokes on a
chicken bone. Well these two country boys in the next booth notice she is
choking so they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops
his coveralls and bends over and the second country boy starts licking his
butt. The woman watches these two go at it and is grossed out. She pukes
all over the place dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. The country
boy pulls his overalls back up and says to the other, "Yor right Leroy,
thet hind-lick maneuver works like a charm".
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Top 15 things about going to HELL.
15 Everywhere you look, there's a smoking section!
14 Perpetual flame means never having to eat a lukewarm French fry.
13 Upon arrival, you realize it's a big step up from Bakersfield.
12 Your little "blue flame" trick now produces spectacular results.
11 Finally get to meet that Rubik guy and tell him what you think of that
@#*&%! cube.
10 There's absolutely no chance you'll be living too close to an amusement
park.
9 Party-Animal Satan throws one helluva weenie roast!
8 Free Microsoft software for everyone (as per agreement made back in early
80's).
7 Finally rid of that pesky little "conscience angel" on *right* shoulder.
6 Now that you've followed her advice, you just might get that date with
Cindy Crawford.
5 Which would you rather jam to: Harps & choirs, or Hendrix & Morrison?
4 Every Thursday is Karaoke Night, hosted by Dean Martin and Sammy Davis,
Jr.
3 Saturday night WWF tag-team bout between Genghis Khan, Vlad the Impaler,
and Hitler.
2 Everyone gets a length of pipe and a daily crack at Nancy Kerrigan's
knee.
and the Number 1 Good Thing About Going to Hell...
1 Fortune to be made on "Welcome, O.J." t-shirts.
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Pinocchio and the Blond
These 2 jokes are from Syco's humor page
http://members.aol.com/syco44/jokes.html
Pinocchio was receiving complaints from his girlfriend about consummating
their passions. "Every time we make love," she said, "I get splinters." So
he went back to his maker, Gepetto, the carpenter, to ask for advice.
"Sandpaper my boy, that's what you need," was the carpenter's response. A
couple of weeks later the carpenter saw Pinocchio again. "How are you
getting on with the girls now?" he asked. "Who needs girls?" replied
Pinocchio
The Blond....
A cop pulls over a beautiful blond for speeding. When he calls his
dispatcher to report the ticket, the dispatcher asks "is this a drop dead
gorgeous blond in a red convertible?" when the cop says yes, the dispatcher
says to go back to the car, tell her to get out, and drop his pants. "i
cant do that, its unprofessional!" exclaims the cop. "just do it." says the
dispatcher. so he goes back to the car, tells the blond to get out, and
drops his pants. the blond says, "oh no! not ANOTHER breathalyzer test!"
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Granny!
From my friend Sarah
A girl was a prostitute but didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the
police raided a whole group of prostitutes and the girl was amongst the
group. The police had all the prostitutes line up in a straight line. Along
comes the grandma and sees her grand-daughter. Grandma asks her
grand-daughter, "What are you lining up for." Grand-daughter, not willing
to let her grandma know the truth told her grandma that some people were
passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. Grandma
wanted some oranges too, so she went to the back of the line. A policeman
was going down the line asking for information from the prostitutes. When
he got to the grandma, he was bewildered and asked, "You are so old, how do
you do it?" Grandma (thinking he's asking her about how she can eat
oranges) replies, "Oh, it's easy, I just take off my dentures and suck them
dry.
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A Little OJ
A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in L.A. He's stopped in
traffic and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual; we're not
even moving."
He notices a police officer walking down the highway in between the cars,
so he rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me, officer, what's the
hold-up?"
"O.J. just found out the verdict, and he's all depressed. He's lying down
in the middle of the highway and he's threatening to douse himself in
gasoline and light himself on fire. He just doesn't have $25 million for
the Goldmans. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."
The man says, "Oh really, how much have you collected so far."
The officer replies, "So far, ten gallons."
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TERRIBLE!!!
March 26th Obituaries
It is with great remorse that I inform you all of the sad news of something
that happened to someone very dear to us all.
Last night at approximately 8:42 PM The Energizer Bunny, after going, and
going for so long, unfortunately passed away.
Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical
examiner reported the cause of death as acute cardiac arrest, induced by
sexual stimulation.
It appears that someone had put Mr. Bunny's batteries in backwards, and he
kept
COMING, AND COMING, AND COMING!
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The Kinds of Poopie
I got the following from a friend awhile ago and I HAD to put it here!
-Ghost Poopie-The kind where you feel the poopie coming out, but there is
no poopie in the toilet.
-Clean Poopie-The kind where you poopied out, see it in the toilet, but
there is nothing on the toilet paper.
-Wet Poopie-The kind where you wipe 50 times and it feels unwiped, so you
have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you
won't ruin your pants.
-Second Wave Poopie-The kind of poopie that happens when you're done
poopieing and you've pulled your pants up to you knees, and you realize
that you have to poopie some more.
-Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead Poopie-The kind of poopie where you strain so
much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
-Richard Simmons Poopie-You poopie so much, you lose 30 pounds.
-Lincoln Log Poopie-The kind of poopie that is so huge, you're afraid to
flush without breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
-Gassy Poopie-It's the kind of poopie that is so noisy, everyone within
earshot is giggling.
-Drinker Poopie-The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night
of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of
the toilet.
-Corn Poopie-Self explanatory
-Gee, I Wish I Could Poopie, Poopie-That's the kind of poopie where you
want to poopie, but all you do is sit on the toilet, cramped, and fart a
few times.
-Spinal Tap Poopie-The poopie that hurts so bad coming out, you'd swear it
was leaving you sideways.
-Wet Cheeks Poopie-The kind of poopie that comes out so fast, your cheeks
get splashed with water.
-Liquid Poopie-The kind of poopie where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out
of your butt and splatters over the toilet bowl.
-Mexican Food Poopie-The kind of poopie that smells so bad, the room must
be evacuated.
-Rich People Poopie-The kind of poopie that doesn't smell.
-Bobber Poopie-The kind of poopie where you are in a public restroom, there
are people waiting. You poopie and flush two times, but several golf-ball
sized pieces are still floating above the water line.
-Ambush Poopie-This poopie never occurs at home, but usually while your at
a party. It's when you try to fart just a little, but you end up with
trouser chili and you walk bow-legged for the rest of the day.
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Pickup Lines for those "Smooth" talkers!
1) Do you sleep on your stomach? .....Can I?
2) Tomorrow morning do you want me to call you or nudge you?
3) My name is _____. Remember it 'cause you're gonna be screamin' it all
night long!
4) Your parents must be bakers 'cause they put out a great pair of buns.
5) If I told you I like your body, would you hold it against me?
6) Come and sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops
up!
7) Is that shirt felt? Would you like it to be?
8) (gesture someone to come over with one finger) I just made you come over
here with only 1 finger, think what I could do with my whole body.
9) If you go to Italy, you better be careful, I hear they hunt foxes.
10) Can I help you slip into something more comfortable?
11) I seem to be stuck in my zipper. Would you help me out?
12) Um.... I see to have lost my number, can I have yours?
13) "That's disgusting! Let's do it!"
14) And the best one........BABY you MUST be tired, cuz you've been runnin
through my mind ALL DAY!
The following was submitted by Bruce Askham brucea@solo.pipex.co.za
15) Baby, let's go back to your place and do some Math. We'll ADD a bed,
SUBTRACT some clothes, DIVIDE your legs and MULTIPLY.
[Image]
SEND me some mail! I LOVE MAIL!
ALSO****Do you have any awesome jokes? Send them and you will receive FULL
credit!!
Mark
rubicant@voyager.net
[Image]
CHECK OUT MY OTHER GREAT PAGES!
Goto the TRIVIA page!
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Baaaaack to homepage
[Image]
Copyright © 1997 Mark Francescutti
Club Funny Archive 4
[Image]
Get Politically Correct
She does not: GET PMS
She becomes: HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL
She does not have: A KILLER BODY
She is: TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE
She is not: A BAD COOK
She is: MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE
She is not: A BAD DRIVER
She is: AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED
She is not a: PERFECT 10
She is: NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR
She is not: EASY
She is: HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE
She does not: HATE SPORTS ON TV
She is: ATHLETICALLY BIASED
She does not have: SEXY LIPS
She is: COLLAGEN DEPENDENT
She does not get: DRUNK
She is: ACCIDENTALLY OVER-SERVED
You do not ask her: TO DANCE
You request a: PRE-COITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE
She does not have: A GREAT BUTT
She is: GLUTEUS TO THE MAXIMUS
She does not: WEAR TOO MUCH MAKE-UP
She is COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED
She does not: SHAVE HER LEGS
She experiences: TEMPORARY STUBBLE REDUCTION
She does not have A HARD BODY
She is: ANATOMICALLY INFLEXIBLE
She does not: SUN BATHE
She experiences: SOLAR ENHANCEMENT
She does not: SHOP TOO MUCH
She is: OVERLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO MARKETING PLOYS
She does not: CUT YOU OFF
She becomes: HORIZONTALLY INACCESSIBLE
She does not have: BIG HAIR
She is: OVERLY AEROSOLED
She does not: SNORE
She is: NASALLY REPETITIVE
She does not: GET DRUNK
She becomes: VERBALLY DYSLEXIC
She does not have: BIG HOOTERS
Her: CUPS RUNNETH OVER
She is not: TOO SKINNY
She is: SKELETALLY PROMINENT
[Image]
Who's going to do the dishes?
Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great
price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear
vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents.
He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells
him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't
done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are
piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So
Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on
the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a
little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he
sits back down, but no one says a word.
A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a
repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and
her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the
table.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.
Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and
screams...
OK! I'LL DO THE DISHES!!!
[Image]
Johnny and the Mortgage
One day little Johnny went to his father and asked him if he could buy him
a $200 bicycle for his birthday.
Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and
you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas."
Christmas came around and Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the
mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other
time."
Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with
all his belongings in a suitcase.
The father felt sorry for him and asked him why he was leaving. The boy
said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you
were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was
coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"
[Image]
Southwest Airlines
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas to Chicago.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and
said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't
big planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer)
told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy asked the flight
attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why
don't big planes have baby planes?" The flight attendant asked, "Did your
mother tell you to ask me?" He said that she had. So she said, "Tell your
mother that Southwest always pulls out on time."
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The Hunter
A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty 22-gauge
rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and
fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later the bear
taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, 'No one shoots at me and gets
away with it. You have two choices: I can rip your throat out and eat you,
or you can drop your trousers, bend over, and I'll [insert appropriate
colloquial for sodomy here].' The hunter decides that anything is better
than death, so he drops his trousers and bends over, and the bear does what
he said he would do. After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his
trousers again and staggers back into town. He's pretty mad. He buys a much
larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same bear, aims, and
fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later the bear
taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, 'You know what to do.'
Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town, and
buys a bazooka. Now he's really mad. He returns to the forest, sees the
bear, aims, and fires. The force of the bazooka blast knocks him flat on
his back. When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over him and says,
'You're not doing this for the hunting, are you?'
[Image]
Business always fails
Phone Won't Stop Ringing?
Here's What You Do----from Oracle Service
Ok this isn't super-funny but it is really cool!
Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem. But
unlike most people she did something about it.
The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had
acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola.
From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her.
Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case
to persuade the motel management to change its number.
Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change its
stationery.
The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and just
because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day didn't
make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to
take matters into her own hands.
At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and
asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leoloa said, "No problem. How
many nights?"
A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two
bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on the
10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she
would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. "No, that won't be
necessary," Leola said. "We trust you."
The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an
electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day weekend, a
college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II.
She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could
watch the O.J. Simpson trial, but her biggest challenge came in the
afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's
wedding in June.
Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would
be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The
mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral
arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up.
Once again Leola was helpful. "There's no charge for valet parking, but we
always recomend that the client tips the drivers."
Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area.
People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen
parties and were all told there were no such events.
Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel
might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said,
"We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel."
Leola replied. "We'll take it, but only if you change the telephone
number."
[Image]
Golf Tips!
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This
law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural
tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summmer and,
eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your
worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number
of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be
proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf
ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does,
the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing
partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the
universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself
as an instuctor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate
golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works
against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the
clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone
in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of
a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS
agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are domon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another,
particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly,
"tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one
who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your
score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the
sunset of the same day.
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The Cannibals
There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then captured
by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass the trial. First step of the trial is to go to the forest
with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all
three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and
said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explains the trial
to him. You have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on
your face or you'll be eaten. The first apple went in... but on the second
one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven. The second
one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries. When the king
explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... on the ninth berry he burst out in
laughter, therefore he also was killed. The first guy and the second guy
met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away
with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it,I saw the third guy
coming with watermelons."
[Image]
Santa's Bad Day
It was supposed to be a happy time, but it wasn't. Santa was really pissed.
It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right.
Mrs. Claus had burned all the Christmas cookies. The Elves were bitching
about not getting paid for the overtime they had put in while making toys,
and the reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. They
had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and crashed it into
a tree, breaking off one of the runners. Santa was beside himself with
anger.
"I CAN"T believe it!", he raged. "I've got to deliver millions of presents
all over the world in just a few hours from now and all my reindeer are
drunk, my Elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree!
I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't
even back yet! What am I going to do?".
Just then the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the
snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. "Yo, Santa," he says. "Where do you
want me to stick the Christmas Tree this year???"
And thus the tradition of Angels perched atop the Christmas trees came to
pass. . .
[Image]
SEND me some mail! I LOVE MAIL!
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Mark
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Copyright © 1997 Mark Francescutti
Club Funny Archive 5 May 1-15 1997
[Image]
Gift mixup!
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday,
and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he
decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too
personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and
bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for
herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the
gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents,
the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the
following note:
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing
any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I
would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones
that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I
bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three
weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she
looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first
time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have
a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them
before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from
wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love."
"P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur
showing."
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11:45PM
A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course.
He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was
a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young
lady in the back seat filling out a crossword puzzle. He stopped to
investigate.
He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up,
cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading a magazine."
"And what is she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look
like? She's doing a crossword puzzle."
"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.
"I'm nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.
The young man looked at his watch, smiled, and said, "Well, in about twelve
minutes she'll be eighteen."
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MMMm CANDY!
It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey
standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when
I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to
Krunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?" Well, she immediately went
down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like Pure Almond Joy! I couldn't help
but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little
Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold the Snicker and
Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started
to scream "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!" Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and
ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to
Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked me if I was into
M&M, but I said, "hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff." I said "Look you little
Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my
Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?" (What a piece of Juicy
Fruit she was, too!) She screamed, "Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three
Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut
Butter Cup. Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the
sudden...my Starburst! Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow
Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months
later, out popped...........Baby Ruth!
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Oldie but goodie and doggie too!
Four utility workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first
was a Potomac edison worker who said his dog could do mathematical
calculations. His dog was named T-square, and he told him to go to the
blackboard and draw a square, a triangle, and a circle, which The dog did
with no sweat. The columbian gas worker said he thought his dog was better.
His dog's Name was slide rule, was told to go fetch a dozen cookies and
bring them back and divide them into Four piles of three, which slide rule
did with no sweat. The cumberland sanitary worker said that Was good, but
he thought his dog was better. His dog named measure, was told to go get a
quart Of milk, and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. The dog easily
did this. All three agreed That this was very good, and that all the dogs
were very smart. Then they turned to the c&p Telephone worker and said,
what can your dog do? The c&p telephone worker called his dog Coffee-break,
and said show the fellows what you can do. Coffee-break went over and ate
the Cookies, drank the milk, screwed the other three dogs, claimed he
injured his back, filed for Workmen's compensation, and left for home on
sick leave.
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Heaven is FULL!
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it
had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one,
"Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit
only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your
story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has
been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her
red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something
was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy
could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure
enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground!
By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but
wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my
apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of
course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even
after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't
stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw
it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the
stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the
balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full,
and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my
apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony.
Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over
the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the
floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this
man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he
started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he
ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my
hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the
bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going
to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me
instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible
death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process
was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a
refrigerator..."
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Johnny Again!!
Little Johnny wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound
coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and
says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises, and when I
look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken
by surprise and says, "Oh... well... ah.... well I'm bouncing on his
stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
And the boy thought for a moment and said, "Nahhh, that won't work!"
His mom says, "Why?!?"
And the boy replied, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave
each day, and blows him back up!"
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First time
It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off
for awhile searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he
approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely.
He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found
the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but
he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and
tells you to trust him-- he's done this many times before. His cool smile
relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance.
You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time,
wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer,
going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your
body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at
you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with
tears but you shake you head and nod for him to go on. He begins moving in
and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a
few frenzied moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls
it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and
smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most
stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist.
After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
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Rite Aid
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store
laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird but hey, there's
no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. The next day the man
comes back into the store, purchases another condom and once again he
leaves the store laughing. This piques the interest of the pharmacist,
"What's so funny about buying a rubber anyway," he thinks to himself. So he
tells his clerk, "If this guy comes back again, I want you to follow him
and see where he goes." Sure enough, the next day, the man comes back. He
buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The clerk follows the guy
and about an hour later comes back to the store. "Did you follow him?"
inquired the pharmacist. Yes," replied the clerk. "Well where did he go?"
And the clerk responded, "To your house"
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Cloning
From: Oracle Service List
Results of the Washington Post Style Invitational, in which readers were
asked to come up with intriguing questions to be considered by President
Clinton's special commission to study the moral and practical effects of
cloning:
Are the pope and his clone both infallible? What if they disagree about
something?
Can you clone Alan Greenspan, or does it have to be LIVING tissue?
If Larry King clones himself and interviews himself on his show, wouldn't
that pretty much make nuclear war something we could all look forward to?
If I have sex with my clone, will I go blind?
If the DNA from the bloody glove were cloned and produced a baby O.J.
Simpson, then could we maybe get an actual guilty verdict?
If Hare Krishnas start cloning themselves, how will the rest of us find
out?
If you cloned Henry IV, would he be Henry V or Henry IV Jr. or wait, Henry
IV part II?
If Michael Jackson is cloned, is it against the law for him to play with
himself as a child?
Would there be a market for genetic "factory seconds" and "irregulars"?
Could they clone Al Gore, or would he have to be grafted?
Would it work if I binged and my clone purged?
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SCHITT
WHEN SOMEONE SAYS:
“You don’t know Jack Schitt__”
Now you’ll know the entire story!
Jack Schitt is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt.
O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, who later ran the
Kneedeep Inn-Schitt.
Jack Schitt eventually married Noe Schitt, and together they produced six
children.
Holy Schitt, their first child, passed on shortly after birth.
Next came twin sons: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, and the two daughters:
Fulla Schitt and Givva Schitt. Their final child, another son, was named
Bull Schitt.
In the mean time, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.
Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt, and they have a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla
Schitt and Givva Schitt married the Happens Brothers... The Schitt-Happens
children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt, and Horace Schitt.
Bull Schitt married a spicy number, Pesa Schitt, and they’re awaiting the
arrivla of Baby Schitt.
So now you don't know just Jack Schitt, but his entire family as well! =)
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Redneck Wedding
Once there was a redneck boy who, after getting his G.E.D.(high school
equivalency diploma), went to work for his father in the family business of
Rust-Collecting. One day he met a hillbilly girl and they hit it off and
started dating. They enjoyed each other's company, and both liked the same
things, like Cow-Tipping and Beater-Car-Smashing. Eventually, they decided
to marry.
After the ceremony, the boy was really looking forward to the wedding
night, and to show how big a deal this marriage was, he took his new bride
to an actual,money-paying Motel. When they arrived, his wife went into the
bathroom to change, while he was getting ready himself. She came out of the
bathroom dressed in her sexiest burlap, and the boy grabbed her and tossed
her on the bed. "Be gentle with me," she said,"I'm a virgin."
The boy immediately flew into a rage, got dressed, grabbed the girl and
threw her into the back of his pickup truck. He screeched to a stop in
front of her parents' house, threw her out, and burned rubber outta there.
He drove to his Dad's house and told him the whole story through eyes
filled with tears. His Dad comforted him and said,"You did the right thing,
son---don't feel bad. A VIRGIN??!! Well, if she wasn't good enough for HER
family, she sure isn't good enough for OURS!!!"
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Math Trouble
A ten year old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from
tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family
friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.
After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in
after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his
face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly
closed the door.
For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn
about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat,
and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room,
closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This
pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter
report card.
The boy walked in with his report card -- unopened -- laid it on the dinner
table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and
to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject of MATH.
Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at
his remarkable progress.
"Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked. The boy only shook his
head and said, "No."
"Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"
"No."
"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"
"Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door
and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant
business!"
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More final Exam FUN!
The FINAL Exam The setting is any large University with about 1,000
students in a lecture hall for a calculus final. Apparently this particular
calculus teacher wasn't very well liked. He was one of those guys who would
stand at the front of the class and yell out how much time was left before
the end of a test, a real charmer. Since he was so busy gallivanting around
the room making sure that nobody cheated and that everyone was aware of how
much time they had left before their immenant failure on the test was
complete, he had the students stack the completed test on the huge podium
at the front of the room. This made for quite a mess, remember there were
1,000 students in the class. Anyway, during this particular final, one guy
entered the test needing a decent grade to pass the class. His only problem
with Calculus was that he did poorly when rushed, and this guy standing in
the front of the room barking about the time remaining was not helping him
at all. He figured he wanted to assure himself of a good grade, so he
hardly flinched when the professor said, "Pencil's down and submit your
scantron sheets and work to piles at the front of the room." Five minutes
turned into ten, ten into twenty into forty...almost an hour after the test
was "officially over", our friend finally put down his pencil, gathered up
his work, and headed to the front of the hall to submit his final. The
whole time the professor sat at the front of the room, strangely waiting
for the student to complete his exam.
"What do you think you're doing?" the professor asked as the student stood
in front of him about to put down his exam on one of the neatly stacked
piles of exams. (The professor had plenty of time to stack the mountain of
papers while he waited) It was clear that the professor had waited only to
give the student a hard time. "Turning in my exam", retorted the student
confidently. "I'm afraid I have some bad news for you," gloated the
professor, "Your exam is an hour late. You've FAILED it, and consequently,
I'll see you next term when you repeat my course!" The student smiled slyly
and asked the professor, "Do you KNOW who I am?" "What?" the professor
gruffly, annoyed that the student show no sign of emotion. The student
rephrased the question mockingly, "Do you know what my name is?" "NO!",
snarled the professor. The student looked the professor dead in the eys and
said slowly, "I didn't think so.", as he lifted up one of the stacks half
way, shoved his test neatly into the center of the stack, let the stack
fall burying his test in the middle, turned around, and walked casually out
of the huge lecture hall.
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1997 Darwin Awards!!
You all know about the Darwin Awards - It's an annual honor given to the
person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in
the most extraordinarily stupid way.
The 1995 winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which
toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of
it.
In 1996 the winner was an air force sergeant who attached a JATO unit to
his car and crashed into a cliff several hundred feet above the roadbed.
And now, the 1997 winner: Larry Waters of Los Angeles -- one of the few
Darwin winners to survive his award-winning accomplishment. Larry's boyhood
dream was to fly. When he graduated from high school, he joined the Air
Force in hopes of becoming a pilot. Unfortunately, poor eyesight
disqualified him. When he was finally discharged, he had to satisfy himself
with watching jets fly over his backyard.
One day, Larry, had a bright idea. He decided to fly. He went to the local
Army-Navy surplus store and purchased 45 weather balloons and several tanks
of helium. The weather balloons, when fully inflated, would measure more
than four feet across.
Back home, Larry securely strapped the balloons to his sturdy lawn chair.
He anchored the chair to the bumper of his jeep and inflated the balloons
with the helium. He climbed on for a test while it was still only a few
feet above the ground.
Satisfied it would work, Larry packed several sandwiches and a six-pack of
Miller Lite, loaded his pellet gun-- figuring he could pop a few balloons
when it was time to descend-- and went back to the floating lawn chair.
He tied himself in along with his pellet gun and provisions. Larry's plan
was to lazily float up to a height of about 30 feet above his back yard
after severing the anchor and in a few hours come back down.
Things didn't quite work out that way.
When he cut the cord anchoring the lawn chair to his jeep, he didn't float
lazily up to 30 or so feet. Instead he streaked into the LA sky as if shot
from a cannon. He didn't level of at 30 feet, nor did he level off at 100
feet. After climbing and climbing, he leveled off at 11,000 feet. At that
height he couldn't risk shooting any of the balloons, lest he inbalance the
load and really find himself in trouble. So he stayed there, drifting, cold
and frightened, for more than 14 hours.
Then he really got in trouble. He found himself drifting into the the
primary approach corridor of Los Angeles International Airport. A United
pilot first spotted Larry. He radioed the tower and described passing a guy
in a lawn chair with a gun. Radar confirmed the existence of an object
floating 11,000 feet above the airport. LAX emergency procedures swung into
full alert and a helicopter was dispatched to investigate. LAX is right on
the ocean. Night was falling and the offshore breeze began to blow. It
carried Larry out to sea with the helicopter in hot pursuit.
Several miles out, the helicopter caught up with Larry. Once the crew
determined that Larry was not dangerous, they attempted to close in for a
rescue but the draft from the blades would push Larry away whenever they
neared.
Finally, the helicopter ascended to a position several hundred feet above
Larry and lowered a rescue line. Larry snagged the line and was hauled back
to shore. The difficult maneuver was flawlessly executed by the helicopter
crew. As soon as Larry was hauled to earth, he was arrested by waiting
members of the LAPD for violating LAX airspace. As he was led away in
handcuffs, a reporter dispatched to cover the daring rescue asked why he
had done it. Larry stopped,turned and replied nonchalantly, "A man can't
just sit around."
Let's hear it for Larry Waters, the 1997 Darwin Award Winner.
[Image]
SEND me some mail! I LOVE MAIL!
WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITES??***Do you have any awesome jokes? Send them and
you will receive FULL credit!!
Mark
rubicant@voyager.net
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CHECK OUT MY OTHER GREAT PAGES!
Goto the TRIVIA page!
Goto the RIDDLES page!
Baaaaack to homepage
Back to Archives
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Copyright © 1997 Mark Francescutti
Club Funny Archive 6 May 15-30 1997
[Image]
New Miracle Diet!
This is FUNNY!
Flabby Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with
most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or
you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet), or you go broke (the
all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit
after 3 days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all
over. Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you
have a gland problem? Or is there a slim hope?
Such is the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed,
as I have, that most two-year-olds are trim. It came to me one day over a
cup of black coffee and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason.
After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught
moms, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offering
great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on this diet,
however, be sure to check with your doctor ... otherwise you might have to
see him afterward. Good luck!
DAY ONE
Breakfast - One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2
bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite
of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch - Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of
milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
Dinner - A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of stale beer.
Bedtime Snack - Toast piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor.
DAY TWO
Breakfast - Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half
bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch - Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a cigarette (to be
eaten, not smoked). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon Snack - Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop
in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring
inside and drop on the rug.
Dinner - A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left
nostril. Pour iced tea over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.
DAY THREE
Breakfast - Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers, rub in
hair. Glass of milk: drink half, stuff pancakes in glass. After breakfast,
pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the
cushion of your best chair.
Lunch - Three matches, peanutbutter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites
onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner - Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some wine, coffee.
FINAL DAY
Breakfast - A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an
olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add a half-cup of
sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch - Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that
sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner - A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate.
Stick of mascara for dessert.
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Hamster and a Frog!
A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender
says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."
The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you
something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"
The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque."
"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a
hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar,
down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and
starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.
The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that
before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink
and asks the bartender for another.
"Money or another miracle else no drink", says the bartender. The guy
reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the
bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch.
A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the
guy and offers him $300 for the frog.
The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the
stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to
the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It
must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."
"Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."
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ABC's of Boyfriends!
Liz wanted this posted, I will write my OWN Ex Girlfriend list COMING SOON!
A is for the automobile which he doesn't own.
B is also for brain, which was located between his legs.
C is for the commitment that was never there.
D is for the dildo he didn't know I had.
E is also for ego. His was bigger than a hot air balloon.
F is for faithful, as long as there wasn't something or someone better to
do.
G is also for the spot he could never find!
H is for laughter (HA! HA!) the last sound he heard from me as he was
walking out the door.
I is for Impotent which is what I told everyone he was.
J is for jugular, the one I'd love to sever.
K is for Key, the one
Club Funny Archive 7 JUNE 1997
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Women KNOW these facts about MEN!
1. SportsCenter starts at 10:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time
to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.
2. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going
out to dinner.
3. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our
friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J.Crew or the
local Structure store.
4. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
5. Butthead is the smart one.
6. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
7. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
8. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the
relationship."
9. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes,
cleaning, and grocery shopping.
10. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching
anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.
11. Socks never constitute a gift.
12. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look
at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers,
tires or sporting equipment nearby.
13. We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.
14. We did water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this
happens.
15. Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act. 16. Of course,
neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to do "Sirens"
rather than "Waterworld."
17. Curly is the bald one.
18. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of
yours.
19. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept
that.
20. Its in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmopolitan "Quiz"
together
21. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken,
David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley,
don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hillary Clinton, Naomi
Wolf or your mother are up to.
22. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital
conversation are not.
23. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball
game are even better.
24. No, you can't have the remote control.
25. If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever leave
us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our
discomfort.
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Doctor means this!
Here's a little list of "Doc-isms" -- What doctors say, and what they're
really thinking:
"This should be taken care of right away."
Means... I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and
profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
Means... He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
"Let me check your medical history."
Means... I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any
more time with you.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
Means... I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time. --or--
I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.
"We have some good news and some bad news."
Means... The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is,
you're going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops."
Means... Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
"Let me schedule you for some tests." I have a forty percent interest in
the lab.
"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
Means... He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
Means... I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
Means... I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
Means... I think I'm going to throw up.
"This may hurt a little."
Means... Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
Means... I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
"This should fix you up."
Means... The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this
stuff.
"Everything seems to be normal."
Means... Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests."
Means... I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can
solve this one.
"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
Means... You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink
who'll split fees with me ...
"There is a lot of that going around."
Means... My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something
about this.
"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
Means... I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next
week.
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The Awesome Frog!
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the
second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks
nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron" The man
looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog
and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a
9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to
the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog
reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to
the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day,
the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK
where to next?" The frog reply's, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas
and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks," What do you think I
should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6." Now, this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what
the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man
takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog
down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this
money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He
figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With
a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
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But I swear that's what happened!
These are ACTUAL statements from drivers on insurance forms...
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and
headed over the embankment.
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't
have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head
through it.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I
hit him.
In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached
an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see
the other car.
I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had
an accident.
I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal
joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where
no stop sign had ever appeared before.
I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that
I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road
when I struck him.
The pedestrian had no idea which way to run so I ran over him.
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of
my car.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a
big mouth.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch
by some stray cows.
I wanted to ram this guy walking down the street cause he was so ugly I
felt pity and wanted to relieve his misery.
The pedestrian ran into my car before I ran over him.
I shot the pedestrian before I hit him; therefore, he was already dead when
I struck him.
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Confession
A 16 year old at confession...
"Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday."
"Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??" the priest asked.
"Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission"
"Do you mean like this??" He touches her arm.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he also touched my breasts."
"You mean like this??" He touches her breasts.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father, he took off my clothes."
"Like this??" He takes off her clothes.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he then put his you-know-what in my you-know-where."
"Like this??" He put his you-know-what in her you-know-where.
"Yes father," she says sometime later, after catching her breath.
"But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father, he has AIDS."
"THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!"
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REVENGE!
IF YOU HAVEN'T CHECKED the revenge page out DO IT!
This little article is for everyone out there who has a next door neighbor
who is, in your mind, the worlds biggest asshole. I have neighbors that fit
into this catergory perfectly. You know the ones, stereo up louder than
hell in the middle of the night, water their lawn during a drought, etc...
Well take heart, because I have just the answer for such idiots.
1) Next time they go away on vacation, or even for just the weekend, call
the utility company, Ma Bell (or whoever the phone co is.), and the cable
company. Using their name (obviously), tell them to shut off the respective
utilities, since your are going on a trip for about a month. Most of the
time, they wont ask for any other info except for phone number. If they ask
for anything else, just hangup quickly and forget it as it isn't too easy
to explain why you dont know your own social security number. If all works
well (and it usually does), they will come home to a fridge full of bad
food, plus no heat or air conditioning and no cable tv and phone. Pretty
nice, huh?
2) If they leave on vacation, and you are a hacker/phreak/BBS'er, here is
your chance for free phone calls to everywhere! Simply go into their yard
and locate their phone box. Using your lineman's phone (or a regular phone
with alligator clips instead of a modular plug), find the active phone line
inside the box. Run a shit load of wire back to your house, thru your
window, etc... Install a modular plug on your end and plug it into your
modem. Now make all the long distance calls you want. Don't worry, those of
your with a heart, the neighbor's wont get billed for the calls after they
call Ma Bell and claim that they didnt make them. Most of the time they
will let you off the hook.
3) One night, after the neighborhood is asleep, sneak over into the
target's yard. Proceed to turn on ONE faucet, so that water is gushing out
all over the place. The value of this joke is that the target's water bill
will be outrageous after about 3-4 nights of this, especially during
drought season.
4) If you have the asshole neighbor who has the stereo on LOUD at all hours
and the police wont do shit (what else is new), here is the solution. Sneak
into the yard, and find the breakerbox. If the stereo is up this loud, they
wont hear you in the yard. Locate the switch that matches the room that the
stereo is in. Or the closest to. Flip the switch and run like hell back to
the house. Or if you are more daring, sit in the bushes or something and
watch them come out. Most of the time, it will take doing this 2-3 times
before they turn down the stereo.But its worth it when you have to sleep.
5) Do your neighbor's have a barking dog? If so, here's the solution.
A) Call the pound repeatedly, using another neighbor's name and address,
but your number. Call at least twice a night for about a week. The
complaints will stack up, and the target's will most likely have to pay a
healthy fine.
B) Get a package of hot dogs and any kind of medicine that induces
shitting, like Exlax(you will have to melt it down). Pour the secret agent
shit inducing substance on the hot dogs, then toss them over the fence to
the dog. If it is a small dog, I suggest throwing one at a time as little
dogs don't eat as much as big dogs. Spot or Fido or whatever the hell his
name is will be shitting EVERYWHERE for days. Loads of fun for the target.
6) Kill their lawn. This can be achieved with any kind of poison, paint
thinner, or even urine. Simply pour as much of the stuff as you can all
over the lawn and wait a few days to a week. Lovely brown spots will start
to show. Nice effect. Try writing words with paint thinner. Bleach works
well.
7) Other easy and annoying tricks: Use JB Weld or any other metal weld
substance on their mailbox door. Unscrew all the light bulbs on the outside
of their house just enough so they won't light.
8)If they have an annoying cat, capture it and take it about 10 miles away
from where you live and let it go.
9)If they have a hot tub or pool, get some goldfish and place them in it.
If you can get some lake or river fish, they work even better.
10) Place small rocks inside the hubcaps on their most used car. The effect
is awesome. They will go crazy from the sound.
11) If you get into their car, place a heavy guage jumper wire from the
horn to the brake switch behind the pedal. The result is the horn honking
everytime they step on the brake pedal. A sure fire winner.
12) If you are daring, capture a skunk and let it loose in their yard. Just
think about the fun this one can make.
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Strategy Guides...
THE MEN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A WOMAN REALLY WANTS WHEN SHE SAYS....
"We need" = "I want"
"It's your decision " = "The correct decision should be obvious by now."
"Do what you want" = "You'll pay for this later."
"We need to talk" = "I need to complain"
"I'm not upset" = "Of course I'm upset, you moron!"
"You're so... manly" = "You need a shave and you sweat a lot."
"Be romantic, turn out the lights." = "I have flabby thighs."
"This kitchen is so inconvenient" = "I want a new house."
"I need wedding shoes" = "the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white."
"Hang the picture there" = "NO, I mean hang it there!"
"I heard a noise" = "I noticed you were almost asleep."
"Do you love me?" = "I'm going to ask for something expensive."
"How much do you love me?" = "I did something today you're really not going
to like."
"I'll be ready in a minute " = "Kick off your shoes and find a good game on
T.V."
"Is my butt fat?" = "Tell me I'm beautiful."
"You have to learn to communicate." = "Just agree with me."
"Are you listening to me!? " = "Too late, you're dead."
"Do you like this recipe?" = "It's easy to cook, so you'd better get used
to it."
"I'm not yelling!" = "Yes I am yelling because I think this is important."
THE WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN REALLY WANTS...
"I'm hungry." = "I'm hungry."
"I'm sleepy." = "I'm sleepy."
"I'm tired." = "I'm tired."
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = "I'd eventually like to have sex with
you."
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = "I'd eventually like to have sex with
you."
"Can I call you sometime?" = "I'd eventually like to have sex with you."
"May I have this dance?" = "I'd eventually like to have sex with you."
"Nice dress!" = "Nice hooters!"
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = "I want to fondle you."
"What's wrong?" = "What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are
you going through now?"
"What's wrong?" = "I guess sex tonight is out of the question. "
"I'm bored." = "Do you want to have sex?"
"I love you." = "Let's have sex now."
"I love you, too." = "Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!"
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = "I liked it better before."
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = "$50 and it doesn't look that
much different!"
"Let's talk." = "I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep
person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me."
"Will you marry me?" = "I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with
other guys."
"I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together." = "I am gay."
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Facts of Life..no pictures of cast members THANK GOD!
Facts of Life, with my answers in parenthesis.
The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and
stupidity.(Actually they are stupidity and BS)
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. (But Dr kevorkian
is)
Money can't buy happiness...But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
(And you can actually get some with money)
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before. (My Math
tests)
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If
they're OK, you're it. (Thankfully all my friends are, or is it my mental
illness that blinds my judgement?)
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.(Sorry,
caravans of mothers searching for beanie babies travel at 20 times the
speed of light. The ONLY time those damn mothers in those damn vans move,
has been to get to other McDonalds!)
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. (Oh
everyhting causes Cancer, why don’t we all kill ourselves!)
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.(DAMN! Forgot that!)
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
appreciates how difficult it was.(And when you do it wrong, no one
forgets!)
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to
others.(Yeah everybody should be warned to get out of your annoying ass’s
way!)
Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor. (I know....I’ve tried)
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average
man can see better than he can think. (I CAN THINK ABOUT THAT HOT WOMAN
TOO!)
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to
criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.(Whhhaatt...I
mmm nottt parannnoiddd...people love me, RIGHT???)
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
(UM YEAH RIGHT, I’ve...I mean my fri..my distant family members have seen
naked people have soooo much influence)
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Something to try!
Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a
sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror; the cops are on
his tail. His buddy says, "What are we going to do?" The driver says,
"Don't worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out
perfectly. First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick
one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me
do the talking." They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks
at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy's driver's license. And he
asks him "Have you been drinking?" "Oh, no, sir," the driver replies. "I
noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you *sure* you
haven't been drinking?" the cop asks. "Oh, no, sir," the drunk answers. "We
haven't had a thing to drink tonight." "Well, I've got to ask you," says
the cop, "What on earth are those things on your forehead?" "That's easy,
Officer," says the drunk. "You see, we're both alcoholics, and we're on the
Patch!"
[Image]
I don't get it!
I showed this to my friend Liz, she laughs hysterically, I said I don't get
it, she laughs and laughs some more....hmmmn
A general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor
malady.
For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both
staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every
order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a
private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the
light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities
interfered with his rest... and on, and on.
One afternoon an orderly entered the room. "Time to take your temperature,
General."
After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the
thermometer.
"Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other
end."
A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent
that a rectal temperature was what the test called for.
The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to
proceed. The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and
don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you" and withdrew.
An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his
bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?"
"Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" the general
barked.
"Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?"
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Unhappy Woman!
There was a woman who was very unhappy with her marriage. It just seemed
like he had been very abusive to her lately, always slapping her, always
running around on her, and, at the same time, not being able to satisfy her
in bed. So, the woman filed for divorce, successfully completed the
divorce, and put an ad in the paper for someone who was looking for a
serious relationship and not some guy who would just "beat her, run around
on her, and not being able to satisfy her in bed".
The ad in the paper met with great "success". She received 10 phone calls,
but upon going out to dinner with all of these "available bachelors", she
decided that it was completely hopeless. One day as she was sitting in her
living room, her door bell rang. It was a man, in a wheel chair. He had no
arms or legs. He said "I'm coming in response to your ad. I think that I'm
what you're looking for". She said "Now HOW could THAT BE!!??". He said
"Well, I don't have any arms, so I can't beat you. I don't have any legs,
so I can't run around on you". She said "Well, what about the OTHER
part??". He gave her a big grin and said "Well, how do you think I rang the
door bell?"
[Image]
Little old Lady!!
A little old lady walked into the main branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank
holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window
that she wished to take the 3 million dollars that she had in the bag and
open an account with the bank. But first, she said that she wished to meet
the president of the bank due to the rather large amount involved.
After looking into the bag and seeing bundles of $1,000 bills which could
have amounted to 3 million, he called the president's office and saw to it
that the old lady met with him.
The lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office.
Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to know the people
that she did business with on a more personal level. The president then
asked her how she came into such a large amount of money. "Was it an
inheritance?" he asked.
"No," she replied. He was quiet for a moment, trying to think where she
could have come into $3 million.
"I bet," she stated.
"You bet!" repeated the president. "As in horses?"
"No," she replied. "I bet on people."
Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bets different things
with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10:00
a.m. tomorrow morning your balls will be square." The bank president
figured that she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on the
bet. He didn't see how he could lose. For the rest of the day he was very
careful.
He decided to stay home that evening, and take no chances; there was
$25,000 at stake. When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he
checked to make sure that everything was ok. There was no difference--he
looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the little
old lady to come in at 10:00, humming as he went. He knew that this would
be a good day--how often do you get handed $25,000 for doing nothing? At
10:00 a.m. sharp, the little old lady was escorted into his office. With
her was a younger man. When the president inquired as to the purpose of his
being there, she informed him that he was her lawyer, and that she always
took him along when there was a large amount of money involved. Well, " she
asked.
"What about our bet?" "I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but
I'm the same as I have always been, only $25,000 richer!" The lady seemed
to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The
president thought that this was reasonable and dropped his trousers. She
instructed him to bend over, then she grabbed hold of him. Sure enough,
everything was fine. The president then looked up and saw her lawyer
banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" the president
asked.
"Oh--him, " she replied. "I bet him $100,000 that by 10:00 a.m. this
morning, I would have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."
[Image]
Dave Barry on College!
From Detroit Free Press: www.freep.com
College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two
thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are
spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time sleeping and
trying to get dates.
Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college:
1. Things you will need to know in later life (two hours).
2. Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours). These are
the things you learn in classes whose names end in ology, - -osophy,
-istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write
them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to forget
them, you become a professor and have to stay in college for the rest of
your life.
It's very difficult to forget everything. For example, when I was in
college, I had to memorize -- don't ask me why -- the names of three
metaphysical poets other than John Donne. I have managed to forget one of
them, but I still remember that the other two were named Vaughan and
Crashaw.
Sometimes, when I'm trying to remember something important like whether my
wife told me to get tuna packed in oil or tuna packed in water, Vaughan and
Crashaw just pop up in my mind, right there in the supermarket. It's a
terrible waste of brain cells.
After you've been in college for a year or so, you're supposed to choose a
major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and forget the most
things about. Here is a very important piece of advice: Be sure to choose a
major that does not involve Known Facts and Right Answers. This means you
must not major in mathematics, physics, biology, or chemistry, because
these subjects involve actual facts. If, for example, you major in
mathematics, you're going to wander into class one day and the professor
will say: "Define the cosine integer of the quadrant of a rhomboid binary
axis, and extrapolate your result to five significant vertices." If you
don't come up with exactly the answer the professor has in mind, you fail.
The same is true of chemistry: if you write in your exam book that carbon
and hydrogen combine to form oak, your professor will flunk you. He wants
you to come up with the same answer he and all the other chemists have
agreed on. Scientists are extremely snotty about this.
So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy, psychology, and
sociology -- subjects in which nobody really understands what anybody else
is talking about, and which involve virtually no actual facts. I attended
classes in all these subjects, so I'll give you a quick overview of each:
ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have read little
snippets of just before class. Here is a tip on how to get good grades on
your English papers: Never say anything about a book that anybody with any
common sense would say. For example, suppose you are studying Moby-Dick.
Anybody with any common sense would say that Moby-Dick is a big white
whale, since the characters in the book refer to it as a big white whale
roughly eleven thousand times. So in your paper, you say Moby-Dick is
actually the Republic of Ireland. Your professor, who is sick to death of
reading papers and never liked Moby-Dick anyway, will think you are
enormously creative. If you can regularly come up with lunatic
interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English.
PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding there
is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch. You should major in
philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs.
PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams. Psychologists are
obsessed with rats and dreams. I once spent an entire semester training a
rat to punch little buttons in a certain sequence, then training my
roommate to do the same thing. The rat learned much faster. My roommate is
now a doctor. If you like rats or dreams, and above all if you dream about
rats, you should major in psychology.
SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and away the
number one subject. I sat through hundreds of hours of sociology courses,
and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never once heard or read a
coherent statement. This is because sociologists want to be considered
scientists, so they spend most of their time translating simple, obvious
observations into scientific-sounding code. If you plan to major in
sociology, you'll have to learn to do the same thing. For example, suppose
you have observed that children cry when they fall down. You should write:
"Methodological observation of the sociometrical behavior tendencies of
prematurated isolates indicates that a casual relationship exists between
groundward tropism and lachrimatory, or 'crying,' behavior forms." If you
can keep this up for fifty or sixty pages, you will get a large government
grant.
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DD
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for
possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the
bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he
found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for
several minutes.
Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and
began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the
driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The
results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how
that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
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Speeding!
A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the
speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear
view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the
race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles
and hour.
Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck,"
and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.
The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans
down and says "listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want
to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."
The man thought for a moment and said...
"Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your
cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you
were trying to give her back to me!"
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10 reasons why you know you don't have any friends!
10. No calls from salespeople pushing MCI's Friends and Family Plan
9. You go to a video store and say out loud to yourself, "Well, what do you
want to rent tonight?"
8. You send birthday cards to the members of the McLaughlin Group.
7. You are one of the five best solitaire players in the world.
6. Your initials are G.S., and you own a major league baseball team in the
Bronx.
5. At your funeral, the entire eulogy is, "Yep. He's dead."
4. Having a Super Bowl party means dressing up your dogs in sweaters and
tying them to the furniture.
3. James Taylor sings the first few bars of "You've Got a Friend," notices
you in the audience, and stops.
2. You're still drinking from same keg you bought on New Year's Eve '87.
1. All your phone calls start with "976."
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Facts about MEN!
1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've
experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few
weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my
husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.
4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually
cancels out the nice of "bald."
5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where
there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he
watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help
his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living
room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case
they call him.
7. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during
play-off season.
8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being
the first is upsetting to their psyches.
10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever
care about anyone else.
12. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in
private; in public they have to know.
13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my
pillow, instead of a gun.
15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually
have jobs and bathe.
16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a
combination address book, telescope and piano.
17. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These
seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the
last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get
a bikini wax.
20. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me
for a list of names.
21. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types:
depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out
in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable
heaters that snore.
24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man
walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of
here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
25. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on
the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more
types of lettuce, he is serious.
27. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got
older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a
nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and
butterflies.
28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter
and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying
he wished he could be Cary Grant.
30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE
WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
34. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and
creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's
my car?"
35. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he
didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are
we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
37. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out
of sight of women.
38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get
out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If
you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to
marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid
marks.
39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you
look great." Mitch:"Thanks." On the other side:"Ruth, you look great."
Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."
40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for
a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
43. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because
their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually
button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we
also need men to help us get dressed.
44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with
superheros. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying
with Barbie.
45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she
will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his
closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female
menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to
date young girls and drive motorcycles.
47. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
48. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already
forgotten what happened.
49. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
50. All men would still really like to own a train set.
HELL! MEN STILL RULE ANYWAYS!!!!!!!
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SEND me some mail! I LOVE MAIL!
WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITES??***Do you have any awesome jokes? Send them and
you will receive FULL credit!!
Mark
rubicant@voyager.net
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[Image]
Copyright © 1997 Mark Francescutti
Club Funny Archive 8 JULY 1997
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It's just like Kentucky!
One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I
have great news! I'm getting married to Mary Collins, the most beautiful
girl in town." After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to
talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30
years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much
excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. I'm
afraid Mary is actually your half sister so you can't marry her."
George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating
girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne
said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on
another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half
sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this."
George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his
father had shared. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to
get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the
girl is his daughter." "I wish you'd told me this before." his mother said,
shaking her head "But don't be worried by anything he says. He's not really
your father."
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The Call of the Irish!
Two Irishmen are sitting in a pub drinking up a storm. One says to the
other, "I'm proud to say I grew up in county Cork!"
The other chimes in, "I grew up in Cork, too! I lived on Dunnegan street!"
The first one says, "You don't say, now? I lived on Dunnegan street, too!"
The other says, "Aye, and I went to the Flanagan School for Boys!"
The first says, "Ha! I went to school at Flanagan as well!"
And while they laughed and carried on in this manner for a long time, a
tourist at the other end of the bar asks the bartender, "What the hell is
going on over there?"
The bartender replies, "It's the damned Kelly twins. They're drunk again."
[Image]
Sly Guy!
Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a
harem tent filled with with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting
friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.
"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me.
You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished
in a way corresponding to your profession."
The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.
"I'm a cop", says the first man.
"Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik.
He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.
"I'm a firemen", said the second man.
"Then we will burn burn your penis off!", said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living". And
the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"
[Image]
The Bus ride...
A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a Nun in the front
seat. The Hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with
him. The Nun, surprised by the question politely declines and gets off at
the next stop. When the bus starts on it's way the bus driver says to the
hippie,"if you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex
with you." the hippie of course says that he'd love to know so the bus
driver tells him that the every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to
the cemetary to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some
glowing powder,"said the bus driver(male)"you could tell her you were God
and command her to have sex with you." Well the Hippie decides to try this
out so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetary and waits for the nun. And
right on schedule the nun shows up. When she's in the middle of praying the
hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I
am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have
sex with me first." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep
her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to
work on the nun. After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts
out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie!!" The nun replied by whipping off her mask and
shouting, "April Fools, I'm the bus driver!!"
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The Real Meanings of College Degrees
Computer Science:
College - Spend most of your time in a dimly lit lab, playing XTrek and
drinking Jolt. Interact only with other CS majors, and only via the 'net if
you can manage it. Become passionately involved only in the continuing
IBM/Commodore/Macintosh debate.
Real Life - Spend most of your time in a dimly lit office, playing Flight
Simulator and drinking gourmet coffee...at least five cups an hour.
Interact only with your own project team, and then only via e-mail. Become
passionately involved in the continuing debate over who pays when the
schedule slips, which wasn't your fault because you told them to take
DOOM-playing into account from the beginning.
Psychology:
College - Spend most of your time in a dimly-lit lab, playing with rats and
other vermin. Drink Jolt by the six-pack to stay up all night with the
rodents. Interact only with other Psychos, but only to analyze their
behavior in non-lab situations. Become involved in the continuing debate
over whether a trained rat could succeed as a comp sci major.
Real Life Spend most of your time in an unemployment line and living in a
cardboard box with other vermin, wishing you'd changed to CS instead of the
rat. Continue to consider yourself superior to social work majors.
Economics:
College - Spend most of your time in a brightly-lit room full of charts and
graphs. Learn about supply and demand, GNP, supply and demand, prime rates,
supply and demand, inflation, and supply and demand.
Real Life - Spend most of your time in a brightly-lit government office
with people who look just like you. Issue reports you wrote in college
because you're too lazy to write a new one. Watch newscaster explain your
report to unsuspecting viewers. Listen to President explain that the
economy sucks because of unemployed psychologists.
Philosophy:
College - Read books by dead guys. Debate whether a tree falling alone in a
forest will say, "Oh, fuck! Not again!" Consider the ethical problems in
the killing of annoying street mimes. Get failed by prof for not liking
correct dead guy.
Real Life Spend most of your time in a dimly lit office, playing Flight
Simulator and drinking gourmet coffee...at least five cups an hour.
Interact only with your own project team, and then only via e-mail. Become
passionately involved in the continuing debate over who pays when the
schedule slips, which wasn't your fault because you told them to take
DOOM-playing into account from the beginning. Be thankful you switched to
comp sci, which pays better than being a dead philosopher.
Math:
College - Spend your time in a cramped office, thinking about
polydimensional shapes and arguing their properties with other
mathematicians. Scream when they steal your work. Steal their work. Be a
social outcast.
Real Life - See above. You work for the university.
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Bad Idea
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at her church.
"Reverend," she said, " I have a problem--my husband keeps falling asleep
during your sermons. It's very embarrassing.What should I do?" "I have an
idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I'll be able to tell
when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times.
When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg with the pin. "
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the
preacher put his plan to work. "...And who made the ultimate sacrifice for
you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. "Jesus!", cried Mr.Jones as his wife
jabbed him in the leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones,"
said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister
noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning
towards Mrs.Jones. "God!" cried out Mr. Jones as he was stuck again with
the hatpin. "Right again, Mr. Jones," said the minister, smiling and
continuing his sermon. Before long, Mr. Jones dozed off again. However,
this time the minister didn't notice. As he picked up the tempo of his
sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to wake
her husband again. She was just sticking her husband with the hatpin again
when the minister asked, "...And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?" Mr. Jones shrieked, "You stick that goddamned thing in
me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!!!!"
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Two weeks..
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed
couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, "We have special
requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two
weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The
pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from
sex for the two weeks?" The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor goes
to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from
sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad.
The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes
we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor. The
pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to
abstain from sex for two weeks?" "Well Pastor, we were not able to go
without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied. "What happened?"
inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top
shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with
lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand of course,
this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"That's OK," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Stop & Shop anymore
either."
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Blonde in Vegas..
I love these blonde jokes!
In Vegas, a blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops
a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She
returns and starts feeding the machine madly, and of course the machine
keeps popping out the drinks.
Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few
minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go.
The blonde spins around and shouts in her face: "NO! Can't you see I'm
winning??"
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Blonde Wishes..
Three blonde women stand in front of a wide river and think of how they
could get to the other side. Suddenly a ghost appears to them and says each
of them has one wish.
So the first one says, "I wanna be a hundred times as smart as I am now."
Then she cuts a tree and rows over the river.
The second looks at that and says, "I wanna be one thousand times as smart
as I am now." Then suddenly she jumps to the next group of trees, cuts them
all and builds a boat. Then she sails over the river.
The third one says, "Fine. I wanna be a million times as smart as I am
now." She looks up, sees the bridge, and walks to the other side.
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Don't say that!
A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the
receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said.
"We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and
come back in and say that there's something wrong with your 'ear' or
whatever."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist
smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my 'ear'," he stated. The receptionist nodded
approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it." the man replied.
[Image]
The APPLE!
Don't BRING your teacher one!
A man visits the Geneva Fair for new inventions. There he sees a Chinese
man displaying an apple - in appearance just a normal apple. He asks, "Why
is this a new invention?"
The Chinaman replies, "Taste, taste" - with a Chinese accent, of course.
The man tries the apple and says, "But it tastes just like a normal apple!"
The Chinaman says, "Turn, turn," so the guy turns the apple and takes a
bite. "Wow," he says, "now it tastes just like a strawberry!" "Turn, turn,"
says the Chinaman. "Wow, now it tastes like an orange. This is fantastic!
Can you make one of these that tastes like a woman's pussy?" The Chinaman
replies, "Come black tomollow."
The next day the guy rushes in and runs straight up to the apple and takes
a bite.
"Oh, yuck - it tastes just like poop!!"
The Chinaman says, " Turn, turn!"
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Fourth Graders!
Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girls
house.
One day he is carrying a football, and he stops to taunt the little girl.
He holds up the football and says "See this football? Football is a boys
game and girls can't have one!" The little girl runs in the house crying
and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a
football.
The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the
football, yelling "Nah na nah na nah". The little boy gets mad and points
to his bike. "See this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls can't have
them!"
The next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boys
bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his most
private of parts, and says "You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your
mother can't go buy you one!"
The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl "Well, what do
you have to say NOW?" So she pulls up her dress and says "My mother told me
that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!
[Image]
Top ten reasons diving is better than sex!
1. Divers don't get worried when you ask if you can put the rubber suit on
now.
2. Everybody gets to be on the bottom.
3. It's not how long you can stay up -- it's how long you stay down.
4. The question "are you wet yet?" won't get you slapped.
5. EVERYTHING looks bigger underwater.
6. Regulators are balanced -- it doesn't matter how hard you suck.
7. You can dive with a group of strangers anytime you want.
8. Fins give you more thrust.
9. Wet suits can be used more than once.
10. Divers don't get mad when you notice they've put on weight.
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OUCH...tough break!
The old lady was sitting in her rocking chair, feeling lonely, and thinking
"Oh, if only I had my youth again and could be beatiful, I wouldn't ask for
anything more." Just then a genii appeared. He said, "Old lady, your wish
will be granted." He touched her with his magic wand and she was
transformed into a beautiful young girl.
The genii said, "and becuase you have been so good on earth, you are hereby
granted another wish." Looking down at her cat that was by her side, she
replied , "Turn my cat into a handsome prince." It was no sooner said then
done. She rushed into the arms of the handsome prince, exclaimed, "Oh this
will be heavenly" The prince looked at her and replied,"Boy aren't you
pissed you nuetered me!"
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Twin Tragedies
Once there were twin brothers Jack and Jim. Jack was married and Jim was
still single, a postal worker, but also the proud owner of a dilapitated
old boat. Disaster struck them both on the same day; Jack's wife died and
Jim's boat sank. A few days later, Jim went to work and a woman cam in who
mistook him for Jack and offered his sympathies, saying,"Oh you must feel
terrible!"
Jim replied , "Oh no, not really. She was an old wreck from the beginning.
Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled llike dead fish. The first
time I got in her she made water faster than anything I've ever seen. There
was a big crack in her back and a pretty big hole in the front. The hole
got bigger everytime I used her and she leakeed like crazy. But what
finished her was, these 5 guys I know borrowed her. I told them she wasn't
very good but they said they'd take a chance with her anyways so I rented
her out.
Then the crazy fools tried to get into her all at once and it was too much
for her. She cracked right up the middle."
At this point the woman fainted and the shocked postal workers opened fire
killing 11 people!
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Anna Nicole Smith wannabe!
Newly weds, the groom aged 75 and the bride aged 22, just arrived at a
resort hotel. The next morning all the hipped guests were curious and they
all managed to make breakfast.
Presently the 75 year old groom came romping down the stairs like a playful
child. Very cheerfuly speaking and nodding to everyone in sight, he called
the waitress and ordered 6 scrambled eggs, 8 slices of toast, juice, etc.,
which agter being served was attacked with gusto.
A half hour later, the 22 year old bride shuffled slowlly down into the
dining room amid curious stares and seated herself at the table. The
bride's eyes were sunken into her head and encircled with large dark rings;
her cheeks were haggard and she wore a strange, vacant look on her face.
The new husband brushed her lips with barely a kiss and excused himself to
use the telephone for a business call.
The waitress who could contain her womanly curiosity no longer went over to
the new bride and asked : "Look honey, I know its none of my business, but
you look something terrible, all worn out...what on earth happened?"
The 22 year old answered wearily: "I went with him for 5 years and he
always was the perfect gentleman, only he kept telling me that he'd been
saving up for 40 years and I thought he meant money!!"
[Image]
What sex is a computer mommy?
Five reasons computers must be female:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for
future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is
>incomprehensible to everyone else.
4. The message, "Bad command or filename", is about as informative as "If
you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell
you."
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half
your paycheck on accessories for it.
In the interest of gender equality...
Top 5 reasons why computers must be Male:
1. They're heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.
2. They periodically cut you off right when you think you've established a
network connection.
3. They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won't do any more
than they have to and they won't think of it on their own.
4. They're typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded in
for a new model. Some users, however, feel they've already invested so much
in the damn machine that they're compelled to remain with an under powered
system.
5. They get hot when you turn them on, and that's the only time you have
their attention.
[Image]
Signs Your Spouse is Having an Affair on the Computer...
Lately she sits at the computer naked.
After signing off, he always has a cigarette.
The giant rubber inflatable disk drive.
In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up.
He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand.
She makes sarcastic remarks about your 'software.'
Lipstick on the mouse.
During sex she screams 'A colon backslash enter insert.'
The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underpants.
The fax file is filled with pictures of some guy's ass.
Some more by moi!
Every time he hears that Instant message ring you hear a moan.
He gets mail from Doctor Judy about cyber-sex tips
He only goes online for two minutes.
She actually thinks the average size is 16 inches.
She stays on the computer for hours, but talks to 100 guys for two minutes
each.
[Image]
Blonde and Dangerous!
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having
an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful
redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head.
The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot
herself.
Hysterically, the blonde yells, "Shut up! You're next!"
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Baseball and a scot!
A newly immigrated Scot attends his first baseball game in his new country
and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run!!....Run!!" The next
batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars
with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bastard, r-run will ya!" A
third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his
knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bastard, r-r-run will ya!" The
next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the
Scotsman stands up yelling "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!" All the
surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan,
sensing his embarrassment, whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four
balls." After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and
yells, "Walk wi' pr-r-ride man! Walk wi' pr-r-ride!!"
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The 9 types of girlfriends!
Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't
have"
Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze,
doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday
Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of
a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans
Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite"
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious
The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut.
Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain,
yes, Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career,
goals, home, and hair color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed
Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love
onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs
Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering
at"
Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition,
iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends
Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I
feel about our relationship"
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News,
Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud
Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my
handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed
weasels now"
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you
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The moral of the story...!
One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home
and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story....
The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their
story and little Suzy raises her hand...."my dad owns a farm and every
Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell
them at the market"....well one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs
flew out of the basket and onto the road"...teacher asks for the moral of
the story.... Suzy replies, "don't keep all your eggs in one basket"
Last is little Billy.... "My dad fought in the Vietnam war, his plane was
shot down over enemy territory"....."he jumped out before it crashed with
only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete"....."on the way down he
drank the case of beer".... "unfortunately he landed right in the middle of
100 Vietnamese soldiers"...."he shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out
of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more, but the blade
on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands"
Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to
his story....Billy replies, "don't f*** with my dad when he's been
drinking".
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Sick Restaurant!
UGH GROSS!
A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner.
He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn,
and two large meaty objects.
"What's this?" he asks.
"Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at
the arena this afternoon."
At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides
to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In
fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and
order it again. This time, the waiter brings out the plate, but the meaty
objects are much smaller.
"What's this?" he asks the waiter.
"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.
"No, no," the man objects. "I had cojones yesterday and they were much
bigger than these."
"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."
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BAD ADVICE!
A man was approached by coworker at lunch who invited him out for a few
beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that
she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The
coworker suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get home
tonight, sneek into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull
down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe
me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."
So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that
night, he sneeked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid
down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with
pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so
he told he he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to
the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to
see his wife sitting on the john.
"How did you get in here?" he asked.
"Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"
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What SIZE are you?
LONG BUT TOTALLY TRUE AND HILARIOUS!!!
I believe that, in general, women are saner than men. For example: If you
see people who have paid good money to stand in an outdoor stadium on a
freezing December day wearing nothing on the upper halves of their bodies
except paint, those people will be male. Without males, there would be no
such sport as professional lawn mower racing. Also, there would be a 100
percent decline in the annual number of deaths related to efforts to shoot
beer cans off of heads. There would be no such words as "wedgie'' and
"noogie.'' Also, if women were in charge of all the world's nations, there
would be -- I sincerely believe this -- virtually no military conflicts,
and when there were a military conflict, everybody involved would feel just
awful and there would soon be a high-level exchange of thoughtful notes
written on greeting cards with flowers on the front, followed by a Peace
Luncheon (which would be salads, with the dressing on the side).
So I sincerely believe that women are wiser than men, with the exception of
one key area, and that area is: clothing sizes. In this particular area,
women are insane.
When a man shops for clothes, his primary objective -- follow me closely
here -- is to purchase clothes that fit on his particular body. A man will
try on a pair of pants, and if those pants are too small, he'll try on a
larger pair, and when he finds a pair that fits, he buys them. Most men do
not spend a lot of time fretting about the size of their pants. Many men
wear jeans with the size printed right on the back label, so that if you're
standing behind a man in a supermarket line, you can read his waist and
inseam size. A man could have, say, a 52-inch waist and a 30-inch inseam,
and his label will proudly display this information, which is basically the
same thing as having a sign that says: "Howdy! My butt is the size of a
Federal Express truck!'' The situation is very different with women. When a
woman shops for clothes, her primary objective is NOT to find clothes that
fit her particular body. She would like for that to be the case, but her
primary objective is to purchase clothes that are the size she wore when
she was 19 years old. This will be some arbitrary number such as "8" or
"10." Don't ask me "8" or "10" of what; that question has baffled
scientists for centuries. All I know is that if a woman was a size 8 at age
19, she wants to be a size 8 now, and if a size 8 outfit does not fit her,
she will not move on to a larger size: She can't! Her size is 8, dammit! So
she will keep trying on size 8 items, and unless they start fitting her,
she will become extremely unhappy.
She may take this unhappiness out on her husband, who is waiting patiently
in the mall, perhaps browsing in the Sharper Image store, trying to think
of how he could justify purchasing a pair of night-vision binoculars.
"Hi!'' he'll say, when his wife finds him. "You know how sometimes the
electricity goes out at night and . . .'' "Am I fat?'' she'll ask, cutting
him off. This is a very bad situation for the man, because if he answers
"yes,'' she'll be angry because he's saying that she's fat, and if he
answers "no,'' she'll be angry because HE'S OBVIOUSLY LYING BECAUSE NONE OF
THE SIZE 8's FIT HER. There is no escape for the husband. I think a lot of
unexplained disappearances occur because guys in malls see their wives
unsuccessfully trying on outfits, and they realize their lives will be
easier if, before their wives come out and demand to know whether they're
fat, the guys just run off and join a UFO cult.
The other day my wife, Michelle, was in a terrific mood, and you know why?
Because she had successfully put on a size 6 outfit. She said this made her
feel wonderful. She said, and this is a direct quote: "I wouldn't care if
these pants were this big (here she held her arms far apart) as long as
they have a "6" on them.'' Here's how you could get rich: Start a women's
clothing store called "SIZE 2,'' in which all garments, including those
that were originally intended to be restaurant awnings, had labels with the
words "SIZE 2.'' I bet you'd sell clothes like crazy. You'd probably get
rich, and you could retire, maybe take up some philanthropic activity to
benefit humanity. I'm thinking here of professional lawn mower racing.
[Image]
The Rabbit!
>
THIS ONE IS AWESOME!
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the
best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test.
He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They
question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive
investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
Then the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest,
killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.
The rabbit had it coming.
Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten
raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
[Image]
Awfully Dark in here!
One afternoon a man and woman are in bed having fun when all of sudden she
hears a noise and yells out, "Oh No, it's my husband." The man flys out of
bed and jumps in the bedroom closet to hide in as he is dressing. All of a
sudden he hears this little voice say, "IT'S AWFUL DARK IN HERE!" He almost
jumps out of his skin and asks who this is.. The little voice says, "That's
my mommy out there and unless you give me some money I'm gonna yell for my
daddy!!! The man says, "Don't do that little boy, heres $20 bucks." The
little boy says, "I want more than that or I'll scream." The man says,
"Here's $43,bucks, It's all I have!" The little boy says okay and a little
while later the man manages to slip out of the house...
The next day the little boy and his mother are shopping and he asks for a
certain toy. She says she cannot afford it so don't start crying! He says,
"That's okay mommy, I have the money" and proceeds to pull out some money.
She asks where he got the money but no amount of coaxing gets the answer
from him!!! She hits him and yells but he's not talking!!! Finally she says
she is going to take him to the church and he must go into the confessional
and tell the priest where he got the money! She drags him into church and
pushes him into the confessional booth. As soon as he goes in he says,
"IT'S AWFUL DARK IN HERE". And the priest on the other side says, " Lets
not start that CRAP again!!!!"
[Image]
BAD WOMAN! BAD BAD!!
A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find her
husband in bed with a Kelly Flinn. Just as she was about to storm out of
the house, her husband stopped her with these words :
Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving along
the highway, I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled, so I
brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten
in refrigerator. She had only some worn sandals on her feet, so I gave her
a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style.
She was cold so I gave her a sweater I bought you for your birthday that
you never wore because the color did not suit you. Her pants were worn out
so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but too small for
you now. Then when she was about to leave the house Kelly paused and asked
:
"Is there anything else your wife doesn't use any more?"
[Image]
SEND me some mail! I LOVE MAIL!
WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITES??***Do you have any awesome jokes? Send them and
you will receive FULL credit!!
Mark
rubicant@voyager.net
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CHECK OUT MY OTHER GREAT PAGES!
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[Image]
Copyright © 1997 Mark Francescutti
Club Funny Archive 3
[Image]
Good Condoms
Timex Condoms: Takes a licking and keeps on ticking
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flinstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but ph balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a Rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey -- you never know.
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
Energizer Condoms: Keeps going and going ...
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
AT&T Condoms: Reach out and TOUCH someone.
PC Condoms: Memories of Whatshername
Sprint Condoms: The MOST for the least!
Kellogs Condoms: THEY'RE G-R-R-R-R-E-AT !!
McDonalds Condoms: Have you had your break today?
Burger King Condom: Your Way, Right Away!
[Image]
The Kid and the Frog
A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said,
"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful Princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke
up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful
Princess, I'll stay with you for a week."
The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and put it back in
his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into
a beautiful Princess, I'll stay with you a week and do anything you want".
Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his
pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is it? I've told you I'm a beautiful
Princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why
won't you kiss me?"
The boy said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for
girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool!"
[Image]
Fun things to do at work to ANNOY people!
Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're
waiting for your document.
Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for
lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the
meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.
Insist that your e-mail address be:
"zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com" (or
"thor_god_of_thunder@companyname.com")
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries
with that.
Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the
direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a
co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
Name all your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they're all
present.
Come to work in your pajamas.
Put a picture of your mother on your business card.
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always
wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if
your boss is a different gender than you are.)
Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these
names. "That's a good point Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to
disagree with you there, Chachi."
Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine.
Include a piece of your children's artwork as a cover page for all reports
that you write. (If you don't have children, draw stick figures yourself.)
Schedule meetings for 4:14 pm.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair
dancing.
Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald's
Playland. Charge everyone $15 each.
Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For
example "If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathroom."
No matter what anyone asks you, reply "Okay."
Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
Grow mold in your coffee cup.
Build models of the Seven Wonders of the World using empty soda cans.
Put on your headphones on whenever the boss comes into the office. Talk in
a loud voice. Remove your headphones when he or she leaves.
When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, "I
think my phone is ringing" and leave. Go get a coffee.
Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets.
Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair. Talk into
your daytimer.
"Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since
you did this.
Hang mistletoe over your desk.
Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn't turn out quite right as
special treats for your co-workers.
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive".
Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try
to pass them off as your children.
For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the
fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you
can catch in your mouth.
Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the
lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat
your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that." See how long
it takes until the last person stops believing you. Then start planting
pizzas.
Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over
their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
Put those hole reinforcing circles on the center of you eyeglasses. Now go
to that executive meeting.
Put shaving foam on your bosses telephone earpiece. Dial the number. When
he/she answers, say "Sqwish."
Subscribe your coworkers to those free trade journals. Give them wacky
middle names. Example: Bobby "Pud" McNeel.
Change the message on the company voice mail system. Get "Creative".
[Image]
Computers...male or female?
Top Five reasons computers must be female:
5. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for
future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as "If
you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell
you."
1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half
your paycheck on accessories for it.
Top 5 reasons computers must be male:
5. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter
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Condoms to AVOID!
Rice Krispie Condoms: Snap, crackle, pop.
McDonald's Condoms: You deserve a break today.
Mounds/Almond Joy Condoms: Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you
don't.
Sprite Condoms: Never had it, never will.
In 'n Out Burger Condoms: ('nough said)
Federal Express Condoms: When it absolutely, positively has to get there
overnight.
Wendy's Condoms: Where's the beef?
Lifesaver Condoms: The one with the hole in the middle.
Jello Condoms: Watch it wiggle, see it jiggle.
Payless Condoms: You could pay more, but why?
Sprint Condoms: A dime a minute.
Hamburger Helper Condoms: When you need a helping hand.
Saturn Condoms: A different kind of condom.
Memorex Condoms: Is it real or is it .....
[Image]
MORE PICKUP LINES!
1. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
2. Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and tell I
just met the girl of my dreams.
3. Is your daddy a thief? ["No."] Then how did he steal the sparkle of the
stars and put it in your eyes?
4. You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.
5. Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take
what I want?
6. Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
7. The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the
word.
8. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor
tomorrow morning.
9. My name's [your name]. That's so you know what to scream.
10. My name's [your name], but you can call me "lover."
11. All those curves, and me with no brakes.
12. If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against
me?
13. I like every muscle in your body, especially mine.
14. [Grab his/her tush.] Pardon me, is this seat taken?
15. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
16. How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?
17. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
[Image]
Three Nuns
From Rick Sterling
Three nuns die in a car accident and immediately appear at the holy gates.
St. Peter is there to greet them.
"Welcome to heaven.", he said, " I'd love to let you in, but God thinks
that a lot of bad people are slipping through the gates. So I have to ask
each of you one bible trivia question."
The nuns were so stunned at even being there that they agreed.
The first nun steps forward.
"What was the name.... of the first man on Earth?"
The nun quickly answers, "That's easy! It's Adam!"
The gates open and she walks through.
The second nun steps forward.
"What was the name.... of the first woman on Earth?"
The nun quickly answers, "That's easy! It's Eve!"
The gates open and she walks through.
The third nun steps forward.
"What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"
The nun thinks for a while and then says, "Gee, that's a hard one."
The gates open and she walks through.
[Image]
Improved Service
There are many versions of this joke...
A man goes to a busy restaurant and sits down at the only empty table. As
he sits down, he accidentally knocks the spoon off the table with his
elbow. The waiter immediately takes a spoon from his pocket and places it
on the table. The man, impressed by the promptness of the service asks, "
do all the waiters carry a spoon in their pockets?" The waiter answers " We
had an efficiency expert evaluate our operation and he determined that 25%
of the customers knock the spoon off their tables and that by carrying a
spare spoon on us, we save a trip to the kitchen and can be much more
efficient."
Later as the customer asked for his bill he remarked to the waiter "Excuse
me, but why do you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The waiter answered " that efficiency expert determined that we were
spending too much time washing our hands after we went to the bathroom, so
the other end of this string is attached to my penis, and when I go to the
bathroom, I simply use the string and never having touched myself, I don't
need to wash my hands."
The customer asks "then how do you get your penis back in your pants?"
The waiter replies "I don't know about the other guys, but I use the
spoon."
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Monkeys!!
I like monkeys.
The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd
since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift
horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was
Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They
kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my
genitals. I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new
environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high
speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle
lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they
all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda'
like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap
monkeys.
I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my
room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like
I had 200 throw rugs.
I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I
had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.
I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a
while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.
I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to
call the plumber. I was embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately,
there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change
them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it
didn't all go bad.
I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to
extinguish the fire.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in
my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor
wasn't improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the
bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.
I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city was not
allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He
couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen
ones.
I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My
friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them,
but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the
genitals.
I like monkeys.
[Image]
Funny Sayings!!
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
[Image]
The Couples
Three young newly-wed couples are standing in front of the priest of the
most popular church in town. "It is very hard to become a member of my
church!" he raged at them. "Young people have no moral fibre, no fear of
God and I won't have any of that kind in my church!" The couples all nodded
in agreement. "So here is the Test, if you have enough faith in the lord to
abstain from sex for *six weeks* then you are worthy of my church, and I
will welcome you into it!" It seems this priest always yells, but the
couples weren't put off for this was the most popular church in town and
they all resolved to abstain for the set time period.
Six weeks later the same gathering of couples and priest are talking about
the ordeal. "It was so hard father!", said the first couple, "but we knew
the rewards were to be ever so much better than the sinful pleasures of the
flesh." And the priest smiled warmly upon them and welcomed the young
couple into his church.
"OH my Lord was it ever hard father!" said the second couple not to be
outdone by the pious first couple, "but we were so tempted that we even
slept in seperate rooms and never even talked." And the priest smiled
warmly again for he knew he had two more to add to his fold.
"And what about you two, my children", he gazed benevolently upon the last
sweat soaked couple. "Well father it was so very very hard, and we were
doin' so well right up to the last day of the last week..."
"Yes, go on", said the priest, starting to show some anger.
"Well, my wife dropped the pickles on the floor," continued the young man,"
and God help me I couldn't help myself when she bent over I jumped her
right then and there and we made mad passionate love better than any I've
ever had before, ..."
"Stop!", screamed the priest, "you are evil perverted, weak willed, liberal
vermin. You will never be allowed in this church again!"
"Hey, that's nothing!" retorted the young man, "We aren't allowed in the
grocery store anymore either!"
[Image]
The Stages of LIFE
THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE:
AGE & FAVORITE DRINK
17 beer
25 bourbon
35 vodka
48 double vodka
66 Maalox
AGE & SEDUCTION LINE
17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My second wife is dead.
AGE & FAVORITE SPORT
17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 sex
66 napping
AGE & DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "tongue"
25 "breakfast"
35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 "Got home alive."
AGE & FAVORITE FANTASY
17 getting to third
25 airplane sex
35 menAGE & a trois
48 taking the company public
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
AGE & HOUSE PET
17 roaches
25 stoned-out college roommate
35 Irish setter
48 children from his first marriage &
66 Barbi
AGE & WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE & TO GET MARRIED?
17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17
AGE & IDEAL DATE
17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 "Split the check before we go back to my place"
35 "Just come over."
48 "Just come over and cook."
66 sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.
THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE:
AGE & FAVORITE DRINK
17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
AGE & EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to color my hair
48 Need to have Francois color my hair
66 Need to have Francois color my wig
AGE & FAVORITE SPORT
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping
AGE & DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "Burger King"
25 "Free meal"
35 "A diamond"
48 "A bigger diamond"
66 "Home Alone"
AGE & FAVORITE FANTASY
17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
66 a man
AGE & HOUSE PET
17 Muffy the cat
25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
48 Children from his first marriage and Muffy theCat
66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat
AGE & WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE & TO GET MARRIED?
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66
AGE & IDEAL DATE
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He can chew breakfast
[Image]
Top 10 Sexually suggestive lines in Star Wars Trilogy
Star Wars
10. "Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!"
9. "Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
8. "Put that thing away before you get us all killed."
7. "You've got something jammed in here real good."
6. "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"
5. "You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."
4. "Sorry about the mess..."
3. "Look at the size of that thing!"
2. "Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"
1. "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."
The Empire Strikes Back
10. "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me."
9. "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"
8. "There's an awful lot of moisture in here."
7. "But now we must eat. Cum, good food, cumm..."
6. "That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."
5. "Hurry up, golden-rod..."
4. "I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like
that, huh kid?"
3. "Possible he came in through the south entrance."
2. "And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!"
1. "Control, control! You must learn control!"
Return of the Jedi:
10. "Hey, point that thing someplace else."
9. "I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me
master."
8. "I never knew I had it in me."
7. "There is good in him, I've felt it."
6. "Grab me, Chewie. I'm slipping -- hold on. Grab it, almost... you almost
got it. Gently now, all right, easy, easy, hold me Chewie."
5. "Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe you one."
4. "Back door, huh? Good idea!"
3. "She's gonna blow!"
2. "I think you'll fit in nicely."
1. "Rise, my friend."
But of course, the best is - "Wedge! Pull out! You're not doing any good
back there!"
[Image]
The Preacher's ASS
A priest, who wanted to raise money for his church, was told there was a
fortune in horse racing, and so he decided to buy a horse and enter it in
some races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was
so steep that he decided to buy a donkey instead. Although he had some
doubts, the priest figured that he might as well enter the animal in a race
just to see how it would do. To his surprise the donkey came in second. The
next day the headlines read: PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS The priest was so pleased
that he entered the animal in another race, and this time it won. The
headline read: PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT The bishop was so upset with this
kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in
another race. The new headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS This was
too much for the bishop, and he ordered the priest to get rid of the
animal. The priest gave the donkey to a nun in a nearby convent. The next
day the headline read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN The bishop fainted. He told
the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey. After several days,
the nun finally sold the beast to a local farmer for $10. The headline
read: NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS They buried the bishop the next day.
[Image]
America Dumb People Online!
From Oracle's humor service:
We've all been in those AOL chat rooms haven't we? Here is some of the
funny things said.
OnlineHost:
OnlineHost: *** You are in "Don't Get Out Much". ***
OnlineHost:
Jesse88: No kidding? Arkansas?
WWWScalzi: And the Vice-President is from Tennessee.
Jesse88: Far out. Man, I've got to get with it. Next you'll be telling me
something really weird, like Michael Jackson or Madonna's got kids.
WWWScalzi: Uh.....so, why DON'T go you get out much?
Jesse88: I can't fit through the door.
OnlineHost:
OnlineHost: *** You are in "Hot And Steamy". ***
OnlineHost:
HOTDOOOD: So, then I take the duct tape....
LADYSTEAM: Yes....
HOTDOOOD: And I wrap it around real right...tight enough to bind....
LADYSTEAM: Yes...Then what do you do next?
HOTDOOOD: Well, usually at that point I try to find a way to shut down the
heating system. Duct tape will seal off a cracked steam pipe in the short
run, but in the long run it needs to be replaced.
LADYSTEAM: Ah. Tell me about your pipes.
OnlineHost:
OnlineHost: *** You are in "Clone Chat". ***
OnlineHost:
TedTed: Come off it. I know you took the last Coke out of the fridge.
TedTed2: I did not. You're being paranoid again.
TedTed: Again? What's that supposed to mean? I have proof!
TedTed2: Oh, really.
TedTed: Yes. I found your fingerprints all over the refrigerator door, pal.
TedTed2: MY fingerprints? You idiot. MY fingerprints are YOUR fingerprints.
TedTed: Oh. Yeah. Damn.
TedTed2: And another thing. It's your week to come into work. Your boss is
getting suspicious.
OnlineHost:
OnlineHost: *** You are in "Denied By Congress". ***
OnlineHost:
TonyLake: I'm telling you, it was a hatchet job. From the minute I got up
there, it was whack, whack, whack with their little hatchets.
JnTower: I hear you, brother.
TonyLake: Stupid Richard Shelby. You know what happened to me, don't you? I
was Borked! Borked!
RobBork: Hey. Watch it.
TonyLake: Sorry, Bob.
OnlineHost:
OnlineHost: *** You are in "Ambigously Sexual Non-Real Characters". ***
OnlineHost:
Bert: Just because we live together and sleep in the same room doesn't mean
it means anything.
Pumba: Right. Right.
Bert: I mean, really. We don't even EXIST below the waist. You know, in
Ancient Sparta, men lived in barracks with other men their entire LIVES.
And they were TOUGH. They kicked the Athenians in the rear.
C3PO: It may just be me, but the Ancient Greeks might not be the best
example you could use.
Bert: Ha! THIS from someone who's been led around by a fireplug with wheels
for 20 years!
OnlineHost:
OnlineHost: *** You are in "Disembodied Brain". ***
OnlineHost:
SkatrKidd: You are not a disembodied brain.
NO-BODY: Yes I am.
SkatrKidd: Am not.
NO-BODY: Am too.
SkatrKidd: Am not.
NO-BODY: Am too.
SkatrKidd: Yeah, well if you're a disembodied brain, how can you type?
NO-BODY: My incredibly highly evolved forebrain has given me the ability to
telekinetically depress the buttons on the keyboard. This same ability is
what is going to allow, me, in just two seconds, to sqeeze your pineal
gland, causing you to spasm uncontrollably.
SkatrKidd: Yeah right, loser you just try andbjkvbu;ow hovbuv huvw4tbubouv
OnlineHost:
OnlineHost: *** You are in "Pure Sadism". ***
OnlineHost:
MazoKist: Hurt me. Please, please hurt me.
Marquis: No.
OnlineHost:
OnlineHost: *** You are in "Online Mimes". ***
OnlineHost:
Liv2Mime:
ShldsYrNL:
Liv2Mime:
ShldsYrNL: Huh. That was a good one.
OnlineHost:
OnlineHost: *** You are in "Posing As A Celebrity Chat". ***
OnlineHost:
MURMUR: I'm Michael Stipe!
DrvrEight: No, *I'M* Michael Stipe!
RadioFE: I'd know Michael Stipe anywhere, and I tell you, I am him.
ReelStype: I hate to burst all of your bubbles, but the fact is, I'm
Michael Stipe.
MURMUR: All right, then, I'm Sandra Bullock.
DrvrEight: Really?
RadioFE: Really?
ReelStype: Really?
Hornykid: ::having orgasm::
OnlineHost:
OnlineHost: *** You are in the closet". ***
OnlineHost:
Adam234: I'm not gay? I hate gay people!
Brian8768: You must be gay cuz I aint at all. Never!
DRodman: Uh can i help you guys out, I know how you feel!
JJ2333: Oh so you know we're not gay?
[Image]
Superman troubles
One day Superman is flying around really bored.Then he sees a burning
building and flies down to save the people inside.When he gets there he
finds Spiderman has beat him to it so he flys off to find some thing to
do.As he is flying he sees a old women about to be hit by a truck.He then
flys down to save her but once agin he is beatin to it ,this time by the
Flash.Back to flight he takes though this time over the ocean .While there
he sees a ship sinking.He flys down to save it but is once more beaten only
this time by Aquaman so he flys off again . In his flight over the beach he
sees Super girl laying there bucknaked and thinks finally something to
do.So he takes off his suit and flys down there .Wam bam and he is out of
there.
"What the hell was that ?" said Supergirl
"I don't know but my ass sure does hurt!" said The Invisible Man
[Image]
Going to hell?
A man died and went to Hell. When he woke up there was one guy next to him.
He asked the guy,"Where am I"?
The man replied "your in Hell."
the 1st guy asked, "What do you Guys do down here?"
"well,""answered the second. ""Do you like Beer?"
"Yeah," the 1st said .
Welll then said the 2nd, your gonna love Mondays cause All we do is drink
beer.
Then he asked do you like ciggaretes?
Hell yeah, said the dead man.
Then you'll love tuesdays then cause we sit around and smoke all day.
Do you like gambling?
Hell Yeah!
Well that's great cause we gamble all wendesday.
Then the man paused, your not gay are you, I hate em'?
Well, you ain't gonna like thursdays then.
[Image]
The li-it-tl-e ooo-lll-ddd ll-aa-dy
A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex aids shop and asked in a
quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-l d-dildoes h-here ?" The
salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his
shop, answered, "Uh, yes ma'am. We do." The little old lady, holding her
quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked "D-do y-you ha-ave an-ny
ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?" "Well, yes ma-am, we do. We have several that
size." Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny
of t-them about thi-is b- big ar-round-d?" "Well.... yes ma'am, a few of
them are about that big." "D-do aa-ny of t-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?"
"Yes ma'am, one of them does." "W-w- ell, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?"
[Image]
Let's jump off a buliding!
One day there are these two men on top of the Empire State Building. So,
one guy turns to the other guys and says, "Hey, today would be the perfect
day for jumping off of the building because the wind currents are just
right and they'll blow you back onto the building again."
The other guy gives him a look and says, "You must be crazy man!"
So the other man says, "No, watch," and he walks to the end of the platform
and steps off, and sure enough he's blown back onto the top of the
building.
"That's cool!" said the other guy, "but I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable
trying it."
"Well relax. The wind currents will only be good for another half hour so
if you want to, you'd better try it soon."
"I'd like to."
"Just to show you, I'll do it again." So, the one guy go running off full
speed and jumps his furthest and strongest, and he lands back on the roof
of the empire state building.
"I've got to try that," says the other guy. So he walks to the edge, looks
down, and steps off, only to go falling thousands of feet to his death.
One security guard turns to the other security guard and says, "Man, that
Superman can be a real jerk sometimes!"
[Image]
SEND me some mail! I LOVE MAIL!
ALSO****Do you have any awesome jokes? Send them and you will receive FULL
credit!!
Mark
rubicant@voyager.net
[Image]
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[Image]
Copyright © 1997 Mark Francescutti
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