Tome VI:
Revelations
Taken from the Journals of Konrad:
I cannot stop thinking of him and I begin to recognize the vaguest touch of obsession to my feelings. I wish I could exorcise him from my mind, and yet I find that I don't really wish to. Feeling for him...desiring him...aspiring to him...these are the closest I have come to the purer human emotions, even tainted as they are by my demonic blood. Academically I understand what is happening...I have finally reached the stage approximate to human puberty...I am beginning to move towards sexual maturity. To put it bluntly, I am beginning to experience a biological imperative to breed.
Why Chadwick? I probably couldn't have unconsciously chosen a more unlikely candidate. From a very objective standpoint, as an Amberite he represents the finest genetic qualities...strength...beauty...intelligence...raw, supernatural power, and if the reports I have gathered are correct, his family also has a history of good health, mental stability, and military aptitude. They don't come much better. At the same time, I respect his devotion to Amber, a hard ideal to maintain when faced with all the deception and petty ambition that rules this family. I wonder if some demon-originated instinct in me chose him because he is such a 'perfect specimen'. While in the cocoon I dreamed of him. I dreamt that he had an accident at the worksite of the University, and that while healing him I surreptitiously took a tissue sample. I remember him there in the sun, blood on his scalp. I healed him, and at the same time recognized that he would never appreciate me, and would probably only shudder at the thought that I had touched him. In the dream, I realized that only in this way could I have a child by him. When I awoke, it all seemed so likely...so probable...so easy to plan.
But I will not do this. As much as I want him, I also respect him...and resent him for his indifference. I cannot use him in this way...it would be a vile thing. The investigator turned up a lot of interesting information on Chadwick...that he is attracted to men. I don't know what to make of that. The whole sexual aspect of attraction to him confuses me...frightens me...I don't think I could feel comfortable going through the motions of human sexuality...it's too foreign to me. I almost would have preferred him to be heterosexual, as then I would be forced to deceive him to have him...and could just assume an entirely new identity...let Konrad fade and disappear like last season's wildflowers. Be reborn into his grace in female form. But I know differently. He likes men...and I am a man of sorts...and he does not like me. End of story. I wonder if the failing is mine...but it does not matter. I am who I am. Strange things happen in Amber, perhaps in time he will come to respect and appreciate me, or perhaps in time I can aid him in some way...put him in my debt in such a fashion that he would have to grant me this boon...a brief touch...permission to obtain a tissue sample in a non-threatening asexual fashion. An unlikely event, but not impossible. In the mean time, perhaps walking the Pattern will help me control the physiological changes I'm enduring. I wish mother were here to explain these things to me.
It is so unendingly frustrating. I could possess him...easily. So easy to ask Cassilda to come to him in dreams...shroud his unconscious mind in glamors...I could take the form of the one man he has ever loved...a professor from his college...could make him desire me for a moment. But even I could not ignore the immorality of such an action. The sight of him fills me with a strange combination of hope and despair...hope to see his smile and shining eyes...despair to watch those eyes take on a brittle, guarded edge as he sees me. I must maintain control...must avoid him and try not to think of him...let fate play its hand. Perhaps I can placate this need to bear a child in some other fashion. There are many children in Amber City who are bereft of family and position...if I cannot have his child, I can adopt a child. Learn how to be a proper parent for the day when I can have a child of my own. I will need some companionship in the future, for when Cassilda leaves me to go with Quynn....
It was a mistake to come to Amber, I sometimes think. I was always lonely...but at least before I didn't know it. Now I must feel it constantly. How easily I become maudlin...how pathetic.
Konrad's story is continued in Tome 7: Reckonings.