When Idiots Collide:

A script for the hit sitcom, ‘Everybody Loves Raymond’.

(For visualization purposes, imagine that the studio audience laugh every 5 seconds, and applaud every time a new character enters.)

Legend:

Characters speaking in white.

Actions in blue.

(Raymond is sitting at the kitchen table, eating the breakfast that Debra made for him. He takes a spoonful, and grimaces).

Raymond: Debra, this stuff tastes awful! Cook me some pie, bitch!

(Frank enters the kitchen. The studio audience applaud and yell ‘whooooo!’)

Frank: Somebody say awful?

(Studio audience have a laughing fit.)

Raymond: Hi dad. Could you answer me a question? I write a sports column for a local newspaper once a week. My wife takes care of the kids and performs house duties, and so recieves no income. My job pays all of 50 cents. How in gods name can I afford to own a huge house, and if I’m so rich, why did I move in next to my parents?

(Marie enters the kitchen, holding a plate with some pancakes on it. The studio audience applaud and yell ‘whooooo!’)

Marie: Fraaaaaank! You just disappeared! Your pancakes are getting cold!

Frank: Gimme those! Now get the fuck away from me, ya ugly cow.

(Studio audience laugh hysterically. Someone can be heard yelling out, in between laughter: ‘ugly cow! That’s comedy!’)

(Debra enters the kitchen, holding a plate with a freshly cooked pie.)

Raymond: About time, sweetie! And hey, could you fetch the orange juice while you’re at it?

(Debra bursts into tears.)

Debra: My husband is an insensitive, useless, ugly, impotent, stupid asshole!

(Marie moves to comfort Debra.)

Marie: Now now, dear, it’s not your place to judge men. Just take their abuse with good humour, and you’ll form a beautiful relationship, like Frank and I have.

(A camel appears in the kitchen.)

Camel: I am the Camel of Reason. You people deserve each other.

END.