In This Room

Beverly Crusher stood and looked around the room. The bulkheads, stripped bare, were indistinguishable from those aboard any starship of the line. The personal touches that had made these quarters her home were gone.

The Vulcan orchids she had so carefully cultivated, of course, she had given to Deanna; they were too delicate to travel. Everything else, the painting Data had done of her grandmother’s house, the childish drawings Wesley had made for her in school, the pottery she had found at the market on Bajor, had been packed into the transport cases stacked neatly near the door.

Oh how excited I was when I found that pottery, she thought. I hurried back aboard to show it to Jean-Luc. He said it was a real find, and told me how rare it was to find anything from Bajor’s fabled past, because most of their treasures had been obliterated during the Cardassian occupation.

She smiled wistfully. He was genuinely pleased that I showed an interest in archeology and teased me, saying that before I knew it, I’d be joining him on a real dig somewhere. Of course, Jean-Luc knows that I don’t like grubbing around the dust on abandoned worlds. Now, after the dig is over, the pieces collected and catalogued in a museum or displayed temptingly in a merchant’s shop, she thought, I do enjoy studying the culture and speculating about the inhabitants, but until then, I like the century I live in, thank you very much.

The smile disappeared. Jean-Luc has the heart of an explorer and loves to be on the ground finding the pieces and fitting them together to make a whole picture. He likes the Spartan existence that requires; doesn’t mind if he can’t have his creature comforts. I imagine that’s part of what attracted him to the Baku world. There he has the opportunity to step away from the technological world of a Starship captain and study a living culture the way he’s studied a hundred dead ones over the years.

Brushing a lock of hair from her eyes, she began folding the clothing that was scattered across her bed. Her fingers encountered the worn velvet of her favorite dress. Once, when it was new, it had been a peach tinted gold that had complemented her hair nicely. Now, it was so old, that it was neither peach nor gold; it had faded to a burnished brown. I’d have tossed it out ages ago, she thought, except that it’s so comfortable and Jean-Luc likes it. She exhaled a breath, and absently smoothed and folded the dress.

I suppose I’ll have to replace it, she thought. I probably should replace my entire civilian wardrobe. Most of it is nearly as old as Wesley. Starfleet officer’s seldom need civilian dresses and I’ve not bothered to buy anything new in years.

On the other hand, it probably would be wiser to wait until I’m settled. Velvet dresses might not be too useful in the wilds of Scotland.

She snapped the lid on her case shut and carried it over to the rest of her belongings, then walked across the room to the viewport and looked out at the star streaked space. They were nearing Deep Space Three and were traveling at impulse speeds.

"Computer, time please," she asked.

"It is now 0936."

"How long before we reach Starbase?"

"At present speed, Enterprise will reach Starbase in 1.73 standard hours."

Beverly shook her head. Not much time left. How many times in the past have I packed my bags and left, gone on to a new assignment and never looked back? Dozens since I joined Starfleet, she thought.

Funny, I was never driven to join Starfleet to begin with. That had been Jack’s dream. I only wanted to be a doctor. It was Admiral McCoy who convinced me that there was no better place to practice medicine, and once I met Jack and his friends, Starfleet became my future too.

Jack and I were full of so many wonderful dreams then. We were going to be assigned to the same duty stations and explore the galaxy together. But it never worked out that way, she thought.

She turned away from the viewport and walked to the replicator. "A glass of Risian wine," she ordered. She took the wine from the replicator, settled down on the couch, and sipped the fiery liquid, remembering.

First I was at the academy and he was assigned to the Valiant. Then I graduated and took the opportunity to study at the Vulcan Academy, so Jack joined Jean-Luc aboard the Stargazer.

Then, after that memorable shoreleave, when I found out I was pregnant with Wes, everything changed. I stayed in San Francisco and raised Wes and Jack stayed with the Stargazer and came home as often as he could. Wes and I were on the waiting list for the next opening on a family ship that day. The day I opened my door to find Jean-Luc standing there.

"Beverly."

Jean-Luc helped me arrange Jack’s funereal and then after the services he left, and I got on with my life. I stayed on Earth and raised my son alone. Wesley was a precocious child and I was constantly challenged and amazed by him. There was no time for outside friendships, much less a serious relationship. As Wesley grew older, I did start to socialize a little more, but I didn’t allow anyone to become a permanent part of our lives. Wes was all I needed. I was, if not happy, content with my life, she thought.

Then Admiral Cullen called me into her office.

Jessica Cullen, a human who had been born and raised on Mars, was a good friend. Her parents ran a restaurant near the shipyard and she always knew that Starfleet was her destiny.

She’d known Jack all her life and when she’d been assigned to Starfleet Headquarters, she looked up Wes and me. We hit if off right from the start although Jessica always thought I worked too much and played too little.

Beverly’s lips curled into a smile. She made it her mission to change that. In a way, this is all her fault.

So I joined Jean-Luc on the Enterprise and almost immediately, the spark that had always simmered just below the surface between us re-ignited. She frowned. This time, there was no Jack to act as a buffer between us. We played at a relationship on and off for years, but never really took it seriously, she thought. Until one night changed us permanently, and I couldn’t risk playing games any more.

Trapped together on a planet, we crouched around a campfire. Unwillingly forced together, in a sense we weren’t prepared for, I read his thoughts and realized with cold, icy shock that he’d been I love with me for years and never said a word.

And then in his quarters after the away mission was over, although he denied that he was still in love with me, he wanted to take our friendship a step farther and I stupidly pushed him away. He never asked me to clarify my refusal and like a fool, I let things go on that way, more or less content to keep my distance.

And like a fool, I handled the fallout from the Baku mission wrong too, she thought. As I had been after Kespryt, I was content to let matters drift along the path of least resistance. I never mentioned to him how much it hurt watching him with Anij. I didn’t tell him how painful it was to hear him beg her not to leave him when they were trapped in the cave. I never confronted him about how much it hurt that he’d forgotten so quickly the closeness we’d been sharing before we beamed down to that accursed planet.

We were having one of our late shift suppers together, the first one in weeks, what with the Dominion War keeping us busy. In spite of those stresses, our conversation was easy and intimate and I let myself believe that just as we’d eventually gotten past Kespryt, the Baku mission really meant nothing.

He’d gone on for a few minutes, talking about Anij and how much she intrigued him. That was the moment I knew I had lost him.

Her frown deepened, as she recalled the last time she’d talked to Jean-Luc in these quarters. He’d stalked into the living area, the evening after their final supper together brandishing his PADD.

He never said the words I need to hear—

Her communicator beeped and Geordi LaForge’s cheerful voice interrupted her reverie. "La Forge to Crusher."

"Crusher here, Mr. LaForge," she answered.

"We’re on final approach to Spacedock," he said.

Sighing she stood up, put her empty wineglass into the recycler, and looked around the room one last time. She’d left before, once when she’d been assigned to Starfleet Headquarters, and once to cover for Dr. Bashir at Deep Space Nine, but this time it was permanent. Not only was she leaving the Enterprise family, she was leaving Starfleet.

This place where I soothed Wesley’s fears, and giggled with Deanna over chocolate sundaes, and where I’ve loved, and lost, will belong to someone else from now on, she thought.

Saying good-bye at the farewell open house had been wrenching. There weren’t many people aboard a starship who didn’t know the CMO and so nearly everyone aboard had passed through Ten Forward before it was over.

Will had played his horn and Data had tried to intersperse jokes with the reminiscences. Deanna had cried which had started Alicia’s tears and that had made her cry as well.

And then suddenly, it was over. Somehow, everyone else left Ten Forward without her noticing until only she and Jean-Luc remained. He accompanied her back to her quarters.

"Doc, are you there?" Geordi asked.

She tapped her communicator. "Yes, Geordi, I’m here. I’ll see you in Shuttlebay 2."

"Sure thing, Doc. Somebody’ll be down to get your gear right away. LaForge out."

My new life. That was how I felt when I was first assigned to the Enterprise. It would be the adventure of a lifetime, a new life for her and Wesley. And it had been, but now it was over. Wesley had gone on to new adventures and it was time for her to move on too. It was time to put the past away, once and for all.

It is time, she thought, time to get on with my new life. I’ve raised my son; I’ve traveled the galaxy, now it’s time to go home to Earth and see what it has to offer me.

As she stepped into the corridor and the door swooshed closed behind her one last time, she thought about the house, very near Grandmother Howard’s ancestral home, that she was going to rent. All she knew about it was that it belonged to a Fraiser.

A smile played around her mouth. He’s probably a shirttail relation. Maybe I’ll do some digging of the genealogical kind after I’m settled.

I’ve been away so long, what with Gram me moving to Caldos and then me joining Starfleet with Jack, that family ties broke long ago. It would be nice to find out if I’ve still got any family on Earth. She nodded her head decisively. Yes, I will look up my family. It will be a good way to start my new life.

With a new determination, Beverly picked up her travel bag and stepped out into the empty corridor.

"Beverly."

She froze at the sound of that rich cultured voice. Damn his eyes, she thought, why couldn’t he have left things as they were? Slowly she turned and faced the man standing behind her. "Jean-Luc."

He took a step forward, "Is there nothing I can say to change your mind?"

Beverly toyed with the strap of her bag. Oh God, yes, she thought, say you need me, not for the crew, not for the damned ship, but for you, Jean-Luc, the man.

She raised her eyes to his, "No Jean-Luc, my mind’s made up."

Their gazes locked and held. After what seemed like forever, Jean-Luc cleared his throat. "Then allow me to accompany you to the shuttlebay." He took her bag and with a slight smile offered her his arm.

Beverly hesitated for an instant and then returning his smile, placed her arm in his. They walked along the corridor silently; each lost in their own memories, each with their own regrets.

They didn’t speak as the turbolift glided to a stop and they crossed the corridor and stopped outside the doors leading to the shuttlebay and a final farewell.

Without a word, Jean-Luc handed Beverly her bag and then, taking her by the shoulders, drew her into his arms. Once more, their eyes met and Beverly felt a jolt as she saw in his eyes the same fears and regrets she knew were mirrored in her own. He leaned down and brushed her lips in a soft kiss.

Beverly blinked back tears as she broke their embrace and took a step back. "Good-bye Jean-Luc. God Speed."

He raised her hand and brushed her cheek, "Au revior, Beverly. "

She nodded and stepped through the open doorway. This is it, she thought, I’m leaving the Enterprise, I’m leaving...

"Beverly?"

She turned back. Her breath caught in her throat at what she saw in his eyes. "Y-Yes Jean-Luc?"

He raised his hand again and then let it fall to his side. "Perhaps…I’ll come and visit you when you’re settled."

"I’d like that." She smiled. "Good-bye Jean-Luc." She crossed the bay and the door slid shut behind her.

Jean-Luc stared at the doors for a long time and then whispered, "Good-bye Beverly."

End.