“A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” (William Shakespeare)
“A child by any other name would smell the same.” (J.D. Schaedel)
“Save the whales—collect the whole set!”
A backwards poet writes inverse.
“On the other hand, you have different fingers.”
Kids. Just about the time you've got ’em figured out they run up behind you and say, “Daddy—on my planet you get to live in my house forever.” (Timm Artus)
“99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.”
“Money doesn’t fuel great art, but it makes pretty good kindling.” (Woody Allen)
“He who laughs last thinks slowest.”
In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
“The opposite of free speech is not paid speech but NO speech.” (Rush Limbaugh)
“Support bacteria. It's the only culture some people have.”
It's not so much putting thoughts into their minds, but keeping certain thoughts out of their minds. (C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape letters)
“Alright smarty—what's the speed of dark?”
Fold a piece of paper; then unfold it. Yeah, you've “fixed” the damage by making it flat again. But the paper never “forgets;” the crease will always be there. Such is the human heart. (Timm Artus)
“Honk if you love peace and quiet.”
MRE stands for Meals Ready to Eat. Three lies in one package. (Timm Artus)
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
“Fear attracts the fearful: the strong, the weak, the innocent, the corrupt.” (Darth Maul)
“What happens when you get scared half to death twice?”
His mind was so open his brain fell out.
“Please don’t run; you just died tired.” (Marine Corps Sniper Motto)
“If you do it the way you’ve always done, you'll get the results you've always got.” (James Schefter, All Corvettes are Red; the Rebirth of an American Legend)
“Just two choices on the shelf; pleasing God or pleasing Self.” (Ken Collier)
“A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.” (H. H. Munro "Saki")
“Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything.” (Charles Kuralt)
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
“All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.” (Sean O'Casey)
“A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn’t.” (Unknown)
“The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.” (Victor Borge)
“Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.” (Lisa Grossman)
It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?
Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
Are you going to come quietly or do I have to use earplugs?
“Christianity is not a hometown, it’s a lifestyle.” (Dr. Laura Schlessinger)
“Spiritualism is the latest attempt to transform man into god. It asks nothing, demands nothing, and means nothing.” (Tony Snow)
“I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.” (Jack Handy)
“Going to church does not make you a Christian anymore than going to McDonalds makes you a hamburger.” (Dr. Laura Schlessinger)
“Because some lawyers are greedy and rob their clients blind, it is almost impossible for lawyers to be saved. It’s difficult enough for theologians.” (Martin Luther)
“Wisdom can be defined as seeing a situation as God does, acting on it as God wills, and learning from it as God intended.” (Timm Artus)
“This is the only true religion; and I would to God our country was full of it. For it is the spice to embalm and to immortalize our republic. Any politician can sketch out a fine theory of government, but what is to bind the people to the practice? Archimedes used to mourn that though his mechanic powers were irresistible, yet he could never raise the world; because he had no place in the heavens whereon to fix his pulleys. Even so, our republic will never be raised above our shameful faction and miserable end of all other governments, until our citizens come to have their hearts like Archimedes' pulleys, fixed on heaven.” (General Francis Marion, the Swamp Fox of the Revolutionary War, on his deathbed)
“Too many people in the media seem to think that being objective means criticizing ‘both sides,’ when in fact it means an unbiased research for the truth. You can do objective research on the Nazis and then conclude that they were pretty rotten people.” (Thomas Sowell)
“The secret to life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that—you've got it made.” (Groucho Marx)
To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
I don’t have to attend every argument I'm invited to.
It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
Lead your life in such a way you won't be ashamed to sell the family parrot of the town gossip.
People gather bundles of sticks to build bridges they never cross.
When it comes time to die; make sure all you've got to do is die.
“Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.” (James Klass)
“Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Those who fail to learn history correctly—why, they are simply doomed.” (Achem Dro’hm, The Illusion of Historical Facts, CY 4971)
“A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.” (H. H. Munro "Saki")
“Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.” (Russel Lynes)
“It takes time to do the good stuff. Tacky goes right through.” (Sherman Dye)
“A little nonsense now and then, is cherished by the wisest men.” (Ronald Dahl, Willie Wonka)
“Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything.” (Charles Kuralt)
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
“Today's Young Peoples’ Individuality: Let's all be different together.” (Timm Artus)
“Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.” (Napoleon Bonapart)
There are two rules for ultimate success in life: Never tell everything you know.
Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?
“Beware lest you lose the substance by grasping at the shadow.” (Aesop)
“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” (Soren Kierkegaard)
Think twice. Speak once.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
"The best measure of a man’s honesty isn't his income tax return. It’s the zero adjust on his bathroom scale." (Arthur C. Clarke)
Some convictions are nothing more than prejudices.
Nice guys finish last—but at least they always finish.
“Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you can.” (Danny Kaye)
Life isn’t a test, it’s the actual emergency.
Americans think 100 years is a long time. The British think 100 miles is a long way.
“No matter how cynical you get, it is impossible to keep up.” (Lily Tomlin)
Borrow money from pessimists—they don’t expect to get it back.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
“The things that will destroy America are prosperity at any price, peace at any price, safety first instead of duty first, and the love of soft living and the get-rich-quick theory of life.” (Theodore Roosevelt)
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
“Don’t ever say a situation is not going to change until you have changed the way you respond to or contribute to that situation.” (Dr. Laura Schlessinger)
“If you ask the wrong question in life you will always get the wrong answers.” (Bruce Williams)
“History is a better guide than good intentions.” (Jeane Kirkpatrick)
“When you teach your son, you teach your son’s son.” (The Talmud)
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
Ignorance doesn’t kill you, but it makes you sweat a lot. (Haitian Proverb)
Yawn: An honest opinion openly expressed.
“Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterward.” (Unknown)
Temper gets you into trouble. Pride keeps you there.
“Success, like a four-leaf clover, can be found with open-eyed, patient, searching.” (Mitnod, Maker of Maps)
A nice person who is mean to a waiter or waitress is NOT a nice person.
“Racists, listen up; God differentiates between two kinds of people—Jews and Gentiles.
Every other characteristic is just window dressing.“ (Daniel Artus)
"The fairness of a law does not consist in its effect actually being felt by all alike, but in its having been laid down for all alike." (Seneca)
Education makes people easy to lead, but difficult to drive; easy to govern but impossible to enslave. (Baron Henry Peter Brougham)
I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand. (Confucius)
“A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn’t.” (Unknown)
“The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.” (Victor Borge)
“Sad music makes you sad. Happy music makes you happy. Patriotic music makes you patriotic. Sexy music is completely neutral and in no way affects the human body or intentions, you Bible-thumping, facist, judgemental preacher, you!!” (Timm Artus)
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
“Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.” (Franklin P. Jones)
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
At least Adam and Eve couldn’t blame their character flaws on a lousy childhood.
“I am living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.” (ee cumings)
“Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. [Anything is more impressive if you say it in Latin.] (Matt Powell AWADmail Issue 49)
“Vini, Vidi, Velcro” [I came, I saw, I stuck around.] (Ginger Chamberlain, AWADmail Issue 49)
To the question about applying Latin grammar rules to English, including never ending a sentence with a preposition, Winston Churchill said, “That is the sort of English up with which I will not put.”
”Omit needless words. Vigorous writing is concise. A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, paragraphs no unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary parts.” (William Strunk, Jr.)
“If it’s an open book test, you’ll forget your book.” (Moore’s Law)
“If it’s a take home test, you’ll forget where you live.” (Albert’s Corollary)
Don't be afraid to learn. Knowledge is a weightless treasure you can always carry easily.
“She had a pretty good gift for quotation, which is a serviceable substitution for wit.” (W. Somerset Maugham)
“Long words have paralysis in their tales.” (Chuck Swindol)
“In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.” (Mark Twain)
“Plagiarize, verb: to take the thought or style of another writer whom one has never, never read.” (Ambrose Bierce)
“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.” (Mark Twain)
"We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them." (Thucydides)
“A definition of stupid can be; actually closing your eyes during the prayer before a meal served to children under 6.” (Timm Artus)
Real friends are those who, when you feel you've made a fool of yourself, don’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.
“Kids and carpeting don’t mix. Kids, jelly, chocolate, mud, and carpeting mix really well.” (Timm Artus)
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
“And then there was the day I told my one-year old, ‘Oh stop acting like a… baby.’” (Timm Artus)
Love doesn’t consist of gazing at one another; but in looking outward in the same direction.
Good friends are God’s way of making up for some relatives.
A king’s castle is his home.
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
“A letter from an old friend is always more important than the stuff marked ‘urgent’” (Jeff MacNelly)
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
“Parents are not quite interested in justice. They are interested in quiet.” (Bill Cosby)
“Love looks through a telescope. Envy through a microscope.” (Josh Billings)
Friends come and go, enemies accumulate.
“Never believe anything until it has been officially denied.” (Cland Cockburn)
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
“You get fifteen democrats in a room, and you get twenty opinions.” (Senator Patrick Leahy)
Taxation WITH representation isn’t so hot either!
Sure you can trust the government—ask any Indian.
“Bill Clinton is not the worst president the republic has had, but he is the worst person ever to have been president.” (George Will)
“I'm proud to pay taxes in the United States; the only thing is, I could be just as proud for half the money.” (Arthur Godfrey)
Stop repeat offenders—don’t re-elect them.
On scynophant supporters:“If Clinton shot someone in the head, they would say, ‘everybody’s gotta die.’” (Jackie Mason)
“An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.” (Laurence J. Peter)
Democracy: four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch.
If Clinton is the answer, it must have been a stuid question.
If you can see it and it exists, it’s reality.
If you can see it and but it doesn’t exist, it’s virtual.
If you can’t see it and it exists, it’s transparent.
If you can’t see it and it doesn’t exist, it’s a middle-class tax cut.
43.3% of statistics are meaningless.
“Republicans will tax away the last dollar from your wallet. Democrats will tax away the last dollar and give your wallet to the ‘truly needy and downtrodden in our society who simply deserve the same respect and opportunities afforded to all Americans.’” (Don Artus)
“On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep up with a government four years no matter what it does.” (Will Rogers)
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
“Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.” (Mark Twain)
“Capitalism: working to make a living with the opportunity to make a killing.
Communism: working to stay living under the threat of being killed.” (Timm Artus)
Freedom is not the power to do what you want. It is the power to do what you ought.
“It is always the best policy to speak the truth—unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar.” (Jerome K. Jerome)
“It’s easy to take liberty for granted when you have never had it taken from you.” (Dick Cheney)
“All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.” (Ashleigh Brilliant)
“If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure?” (Harry Shearer)
“Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.” (John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy 1981-1987)
“Problems from the welfare state stem from two flawed premises; That it is better to be happy than good, and that government’s role is to make adversity a distant memory.” (Katherine Kristen)
“Inauguration Day—when the promises stop and the excuses start.” (Will Rogers)
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
“Never eat more than you can lift.” (Miss Piggy)
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” (Redd Foxx)
“Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now, blue-green meat that's bad for you.” (Tommy Smothers)
Health is merely the slowest rate at which one can die.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Pain is weakness exiting the body.
The buck doesn’t even slow down here.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
The hardest thing in life to find is easy money.
There are two ways to be rich: have everything you want or be content with what you already have.
“It’s for the money. And if they say it isn’t for the money, then it’s really for the money.” (Rush Limbaugh)
“Cowards take hostages.” (Klingon proverb)
“Time is the fire in which we burn.” (Dr. Tolian Soran)
“Virtue is the reward.” (Klingon proverb)
“Every once in a while, declare peace. It confuses your enemy.” (Seventy-sixth Ferengi Rule of Acquisition)
“If winning is not important, then why keep score?” (Klingon proverb)
“Free advice is seldom cheap.” (Fifty-ninth Ferengi Rule of Acquisition)
“Without faith there is no victory.” (Klingon proverb.)
“If you do not want a thing heard, do not say it.” (Klingon proverb)
“Nothing unreal exists.” (Kiri Kin Tha’s First Law of Metaphysics)
“If the point of golf is to hit the ball the least number of times—why hit it at all?” (Johnny Hart, B.C.)
“I wouldn’t believe some pro sports owners even if they swore they were lying.” (Edwin Pope)
Friendly fire ain’t.
If the enemy is in range, so are you.
“Hell hath no fury like a liberal noncombatant.” (Charles Edward Montague)
If at first you don’t succeed, call in the artillery.
“‘Perfect’ is the enemy of ‘good enough.’” (Admiral Gorshkov)
“As soon as we get good at handling the impossible, it becomes part of our job description.” (Col. Egan, USMC)
“You should always respect every veteran. You know why? Because they were there. They’d rather have been here. But they did what had to be done.” (Dr. Harold Kinney, M.D.)
Parade ground inspections are to combat readiness as mess hall food is to cuisine.
Scratch a Navy man and you’ll find an adventurer.
Scratch an Army man and you’ll find an explorer.
Scratch an Air Force man and you’ll find a dreamer.
Scratch a Marine and he’ll smack you upside the head.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.
The faster you fall behind the more time you have to catch up.
Never argue with an artist.
“Enjoyment of a vacation decreases exponentially to the amount of money being spent times the number of weeks until another vacation occurs.” (Tim Artus)
“Always do your best and then some.” (George Toma, NFL groundskeeper)
“Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.” (C.N. Parkinson)
“Why do writers write? Beause it isn’t there.” (Thomas Berger)
Hard work has future benefits. Laziness has benefits now.
“Football combines the two worst features of American life: violence and committee meetings.” (George Will)
“Mondays are the potholes in the road of life.” (Tom Wilson)
Weirdness
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
Don’t worry: the answer is at the back of the book.
“The future, according to some scientists, will be exactly like the past, only far more expensive.” (Jack Sladek)
“All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.” (Sean O'Casey)
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all the students.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
"I am a Marxist—of the Groucho tendency.”
Never miss a chance to shut up.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why isn’t “phonetic” spelled the way it sounds?
“Correct me if I’m wrong, but hasn’t the fine line between sanity and madness gotten finer?” (George Price)
Is there another word for “synonym?”
Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
“The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.” (Jack Handy)
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
I’m young at heart, just slightly older everywhere else.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished.
Tomorrow: One of today’s greatest labor saving devices.
If Barbie is so popular, then why do you have to buy her friends?
The only excuse for bad manners is quick reflexes.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
Windows 95 = Mac ’87.
Shin: device used to find furniture in the dark.
“Never argue with a man until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes. Then you’ll be a mile away, and you’ll have his shoes!”
“How do I keep my sanity? Nobody else wants it.” (Carol Burnett)
Want to make a long lasting impression? Make a really big mistake!
Believe you are unique—like everybody else.
Of course “they” are always right. “They” never use they’re real names, give out their phone numbers, or run for office and fix it all themselves.
“The difference between reality and fiction? Fiction has to make sense.” (Tom Clancy)
“Trust your instincts, and if they don’t work trust your other instincts.” (Don Asmussen)
Minds are like windows; it’s fine to keep them open, but if you don’t put in screens all manner of pests will get in. (Timm Artus)
All the honey a bee gathers during its lifetime doesn’t sweeten its sting.
“Cats are nature’s way of saying, ‘what are you looking at?’” (Shoebox Greetings)
It’s never “their” turn to pick up the check.
“Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.” (Lisa Grossman)
“It’s better to be right half the time than to be half right all the time.” (Malcome S. Forbes)
“A complex system that does not work invariably evolved from a simple system that did.” (Frank Romero)
Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.
“It is easy to identify the people who can’t count to ten. They’re in front of you in the supermarket express lane.” (June Henderson)
“The shortest distance between two points in under construction.” (Noelie Alito)
If your work really speaks for itself, you won’t need to interrupt.
Are you going to come quietly or do I have to use earplugs?
“Outside a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside a dog it’s too dark to read.” (Groucho Marx)
Caffeine—what makes it possible to get out of bed.
Chocolate—what makes getting out of bed worthwhile.
If it jams, force it, if it breaks, it needed to be replaced anyway.
“Greenville isn’t the end of the world—but you can see it from here.” (Dawn Watkins)
When stupidity is sufficient explanation—don’t look any further.
A person wrapped up in himself makes a pretty small package.
Men brush their teeth and comb their hair to face the world.
Women brush their teeth and comb their hair to face the mirror.
You can always count on the Devil to act like the devil. (Bob Jones III)
“Don’t follow smoking female drivers: they’ll run you off the road or run over a Brownie Troop to keep from getting ashes on their énsemble.” (Timm Artus)
“When in doubt—punt.” (Don Artus)
If you always stop to smell the roses sooner or later you’ll inhale a bee.
“Cats, the IRS, saxophones, and other general pests came along as a direct result of Adam’s fall.” (Jay Bopp)
If you get up late, the pipes are frozen, the car won’t start, and you have a report due, the only thing that can make it all worse is the fact that you just got up early on a Saturday.
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
A nice person who is mean to a waiter or waitress is NOT a nice person.
“She had a pretty good gift for quotation, which is a serviceable substitution for wit.” (W. Somerset Maugham)
“Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.” (Russel Lynes)
“The future, according to some scientists, will be exactly like the past, only far more expensive.” (Jack Sladek)
“Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.” (Napoleon Bonapart)
“A little nonsense now and then, is cherished by the wisest men.” (Ronald Dahl, Willie Wonka)
“Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.” (James Klass)
“You get fifteen democrats in a room, and you get twenty opinions.” (Senator Patrick Leahy)
“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” (Soren Kierkegaard)
"The best measure of a man’s honesty isn't his income tax return. It’s the zero adjust on his bathroom scale." (Arthur C. Clarke)
“A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.” (Oscar Wilde)
“Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.” (Franklin P. Jones)
“In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.” (Mark Twain)
"I am a Marxist—of the Groucho tendency.”
“Today's Young Peoples’ Individuality: Let's all be different together.” (Tim Artus)
“Correct me if I’m wrong, but hasn’t the fine line between sanity and madness gotten finer?” (George Price)
“Beware lest you lose the substance by grasping at the shadow.” (Aesop)
“And then there was the day I told my one-year old, ‘Oh stop acting like a… baby.’” (Tim Artus)
“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.” (Mark Twain)
“Plagiarize, verb: to take the thought or style of another writer whom one has never, never read.” (Ambrose Bierce)