HUMOROUS QUOTES

Car bumper stickers

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Boycott shampoo. Demand real poo.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
Don't Steal!!! The Government hates competition.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Sign on the back of a leather jacket of a guy riding a motorcycle:
"If you can read this, then my girlfriend fell off."

Quotes

If you tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, he'll believe you. But if you tell him a bench has just been painted, he'll have to touch it to be sure.

"I've learned not to put things in my mouth that are bad for me." -- Monica Lewinsky (on CNN's Larry King Live discussing her miraculous Jenny Craig weight-loss)

"If you do not surrender, Persian arrows will darken the sky" "Good then we shall fight in the shade!"

"Why does everyone think that I am a cruel and insensitive man? I mean, come on, I have kids... on my desk in little jars!" -Stephen King

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

In his lifetime van Gogh painted 486 paintings. Oddly enough, 8975 of them are to be found in the United States. 

-Werner Lansburgh

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level.
-Dilbert (by Scott Adams)

"Magicians have calculated that million-to-one chances crop up nine times out of ten."
- Mort (Terry Pratchett).

Indecision is the key to flexibility. 

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first. 

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. 

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. 

Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn't be done. -Sam Ewing

Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.  

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep. 

-Albert Camus

We have a strange and wonderful relationship. You're strange and I'm wonderful.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. 

-George Gobel

The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn't exist. 

-Aaron Machado

If a cluttered desk is characteristic of a cluttered mind, what does an empty desk mean?

If it isn't broken, fix it till it is.

Me a skeptic? I hope you have proof.

If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings - including this one.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Due to recent cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel is turned off until further notice.

Good morning is a contradiction of terms. 

-Garfield (by Jim Davis)

Mind over matter: If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and say the opposite. 

-Sam Levenson

I wear my wife's eyeglasses because she wants me to see things her way. 

-Jayson Feinburg

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. 

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

"I do" is the shortest sentence in the English language. Also the longest. 

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys! 

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

Cleaning the house when your kids are still growing up, is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing! 

I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

A dog will come to you when called. A cat will take a message and get back to you later.

Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. 

-John Kenneth Galbraith

Originality is the art of concealing your sources. 

Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty. 

Nothing's impossible for those who don't have to do it. 

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long. 

Shin - Device for finding furniture in the dark. 

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. 

-Jack Handey

A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

NOTHING is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool!

I started out with nothing... I still have most of it. 

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. 

It was all so different before everything changed. 

Nostalgia isn't what is used to be. 

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. 

It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.

I'm not wasting time... I'm preserving it for future generations.

"You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six." 

-Yogi Berra

The hardest part of skating is the ice.

If your nose runs and your feet smell... are you built upside down?

Tomorrow never comes. As soon as it does, it becomes Today.

The older I get, the better I was.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Even on the most exalted throne in the world we are only sitting on our own bottom. 

-Michel de Montaigne

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. 

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Sometimes I don't think . . . so I might not be.

I like to keep an open mind, but not so open my brain falls out.

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out." 

-Steven Wright 

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.

There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1.) Never tell everything you know.

On a string of chinese made christmas lights : "For indoor or outdoor use only."

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

How do you tell if Herring has gone bad? Does it start to smell good?

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. -Ashleigh Brilliant

As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so.
-Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. -Jane Wagner

The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's":
1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3. feeding; and 4. mating.
-Psychology professor in neurophysiologyy intro. course.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. 

-A. Whitney Brown

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her... or something like that.

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

I want to die peacefully while asleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers on his bus.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better!

If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact. -Jack Handey

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Enough research will tend to support your theory.

I think therefore I am... I think.

In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. -Charles Schultz

An honest politician is one who, when he is bought, will stay bought. -Simon Cameron

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Why is there an expiration date on a sour cream container?

Life is cheap. It's the accessories that kill you.

Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. -Wethern's law

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

My ambition is to live forever - so far so good!

If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

"What if this weren't a hypothetical question?"

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. -Erma Bombeck

Dear Sir, thank you so much for lending me the vacuum cleaner. It really sucks.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

It isn't procrastination if you put it off right away.

It is not the fall that kills you, it is the sudden stop at the end.

Always imitate the behavior of winners if you lose.

If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.

Experience is something you get just after you need it.

Statistics show every two minutes another statistic is created.

Two wrongs don't make a right - three lefts do.

Patience will come to him who waits for it.

There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

You can never successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.

I considered atheism, but there weren't enough holidays.

It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

How beautiful it is to do nothing, and then rest afterwards.
-Spanish proverb

"How can I miss you if you won't go away?"

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

If everything else fails, read the instructions.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

People who think they know what they're doing are especially annoying to those of us who do.

It's always darkest before you step on the cat.

Meadow's Maxim: You can't push on a rope.

Murphy's Paradox: Doing it the hard way is always easier.

If con is the opposite of pro, is congress the opposite of progress?

You can't be late until you show up.

You will always find something in the last place you look.

A kind word and gun gets you more than a kind word alone.

It's not just reality that matters.

According to my best recollection, I don't remember.

Get forgiveness now - tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

I think that I think, therefore I think that I am. 

If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.

A good hot dog feeds the hand that bites it.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Quitting smoking is easy - I've done it many times!

The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the oncoming train.

You know it's going to be a bad day when you jump out of bed and miss the floor.

Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

Ignorance is when you don't know something and someone finds out.

Never criticize your wife's judgment - look whom she's married!

Don't look before you leap. It'll ruin the surprise.

If you're going to panic, panic constructively.

Don't plant more garden than your wife can care for.

It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.

Objects in mirror may be less virtual than they appear.

Sooner or later, everyone stops smoking.

Only two kinds of people complain about taxes - men and women.

A louse I used to know told me that millionaires and bums taste much the same to him. 

-archie the cockroach - via don marquis

There is only one smartest dog in the world, and everybody has it!

Animals do not smoke, drink nor take drugs - except in laboratories.

Either you give me what I demand or I'll take what you're offering! -Joe Torre

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. -Douglas Adams 

If you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

A pessimist is an optimist with experience.

History repeats itself. Historians repeat each other.

Some people make things happen, some watch things happen, while others wonder what has happened...

The Ten Most Important Two-Letter Words: If it is to be, it is up to me.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.