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This page contains all the news and info you need to trudge on through your demeaning existance. Here you can read about things like out of control zombie rock stars and get first hand explanations of things from Clarissa Darling. If you don't know the facts, you won't win the battle, and if you don't win the battle, you're out of the family, and if you're out of the family, where are you going to get food? So read these articles, and enjoy them. Show them to your friends, especially if your friends are rich and want to send me free money. In fact, maybe you shouldn't even read this stuff. Get on the phone, call every rich person you know, and get them to send me a check. You can read your little "online humor" when your work is done, buster. |
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NEWS  Here is the news according to me, Tim. Not everything I have to say will be as hardass as the photo of me above, but not everything will be as "fake hardass" as the photo of me above, either.  The Never-Ending Rant I'm what you might call, "Not a Real Journalist", and more of a "Guy Making Fun of the News." All the stories below come courtesy of these guys, these guys, and these other guys. Most Recent: 5/01 MARCH - Cannibal boxers, colorful warnings of immenent doom, environmentalists protect the dignity of cows, and more! APRIL - Everything's a disease, Britney Spears teaches the world how to eat, a picture of ass, and more! MAY - Everybody Go Apeshit Day, Orrin Hatch good and Michael Moore bad? That's impossible!, why you might as well start smoking everything in site, and more!  Headlines Look out world, because Headlines is watching you! |
FEATURES  There's really only one way to shake the pillars of heaven, Wang. When the lighting's crashing and the rain's comming down in sheets thick as lead, read one of the Foxy Mouse Features.  I live in Boulder, CO, a town rife with the flesh eating undead! And a whole lot of morons! Read along as I learn the hard way not to sign a long term lease.  Science has been working around the clock to determine why assholes still grow soul patches, but I seem to be the only one with the balls to take some action. Action in the form of spending an hour or so coding a page about them.  Here you can learn about the wonderful sport of baseball. You can also learn how to tell a bad baseball joke, how I like to spend my drunken summer afternoons, how to cure all the ills of the world, and about a band I've never heard before.  Zombie rock stars are going to do stupid self-destructive bullshit and then cry and blame us for it until they rule the world! More than they already do! How can they be stopped?  Here is an essay about the king of the assholes. You might know his many names, Satan, Beezlebub, Fredy Prinz Jr., but do you know the whole story? |
Clarissa Explains All Kinds of Stuff  Clarissa Darling returns to explaining things! But now, instead of a kid's show, she's explaining the things that affect our world. |
