Boulder, CO: More Zombies Than You Can Shake A PHISH Tee-Shirt At!

I've been living in Boulder, Colorado for several months now. If I were to describe Boulder in one sentence, I would say, "NO GODDAMNIT I DON'T HAVE ANY NUGS YOU DUMB FUCKING HIPPY!" The hippies in this town (roughly 1 million % of the population) seem to be under the imprssion that everyone in the world is a complete moron. "Yes Mr. Smelly Teenage Runaway, I'm glad you asked. I just spent a whole bunch of the money I earned at work on weed, hoping for the chance to share it with the first braindead fuck I met on the the street. Want to borrow my car too?" Honestly, homeless guys ask you for kind bud in this town. What the hell ever happened to Mad Dog 20/20 for Christ's sake? And if you live in a town where even the homeless guys have expensive taste, imagine the college kids. My friend works in a laundramat, and college kids pay her $50 to wash and fold a bag or two of laundry. And they do this standing five feet away from the washing machines! At least those fuckers wash though. Well, I guess the hippies don't have to wash, because every night they cleans their souls with transcendent music! Which, though it I guess makes them better people than me, or something, does not make them better smelling people than me. There's about three kinds of hippies, in this town anyway. There's the old hippies, the college hippies, and the former rich yuppie runaways. Each one of them has their own special purpose in my life, in much the same way as each Megaman villian has his own special purpose in Megaman's life. As far as all-out, Gutsman-style pissing me off, I've got to hand it to the former yuppies. Just the fact that they exist is irritating when you think about it for too long. Now, I try not to knock anyone's stupid or crazy half thought out beliefs, so if you want to live "outside the system", go ahead. Move to Wyoming, build a cabin somewhere completely deserted, like downtown Cheyenne, and make all your own clothes and grow your own food and have a good fucking time. But "outside the system" doesn't mean "get free money from that guy over there, the one with the job." All of my money has been thoroughly systemized. It couldn't be a more natural extension of capitalism if I'd made it selling crack. When I have some free time, I actually like to draw the faces of my favorite CEOs over the faces of the presidents, and then draw little word bubbles coming out of their mouths that say things like, "I use the school system to make you all sheep!" and "Keep reggea off the radio!" So what I'm trying to say is, you don't want my money, hippies. Getting money from me=selling out. So just move along in your hemp sandals and Jincos and tell somebody else about how we all need to love our brother. Fuck my brother. By "your brother" they mean "hippies" and by "love" they mean "buy things for." Here I should point out, in the spirit of open-mindedness, that if you the reader are a hippy then fuck you and fuck Pink Floyd too. And Jerry Garcia. And Phish. And String Cheese Prison Rape Incident. Seriously, no one wants your god damn drawing of Jim Morrison. I wouldn't buy it from you if it was the last crude sketch of a fatass dead millionaire left in North America.
Then there's the college, "Woodman" type hippies. I went to the University of Colorado for a semester once, and met a new one of these guys every day. Sometimes these guys don't look any different from any other Fasionable Male-dipshits you run into, it's just that these guys got high one time and discovered the one sole truth of the universe. That they are the smartest man in the world's history. These are guys who will stand up to talk in class and read poetry the way people in old movies would read poetry when they were making fun of poets. "Oh- the- rain- when it faaaaaalls down [pause] onmyhead and I- just- don't- [ridiculous pause] knoooow..." It's just that college hippies are too smart to understand humor (unless the humor is in a play), so they don't see that the guys they're ripping off are actually making fun of them. The reason they are like Woodman, is that Woodman, though he had the lamest gimmick this side of Dave Matthews being South African, he still thought he was the fucking shit. Remember that look he'd get on his face when he fired those gay ass leaves at you, like he was almighty Thor? Everytime I fought that guy, my subconcious usually fired off a little monologue that went like this: "Oh yeah buddy, ooo yeah you're a tough little fuck aren't you? Oh wait! Oh wait buddy! It looks like I might be droppin some plates on your ass now bee-otch! Oh shit, my little friend, look out!" I don't know why exactly, maybe their combination of smugness and utter waste of skinness, but college hippies tended to cause a similar subconcious reaction when they would talk in class. Click here to view a work of art I've entitled, "My Poor Philosophy Notes Bear The Brunt Of My Aggression Towards This One Fucking Hippy In My Class."
The final type of hippy, the old hippy, reminds me mostly of Iceman. Iceman was super easy to actually deal with, but first you had to get through his bullshit level. I've probably spent more of my life playing the Iceman stage of Megaman I than I have doing anyt other single chore, except for maybe trying on pantyhose. It's just so hard to find the combination of comfort and style that I need to feel confident, you know? Anyhow, the old hippies are usually pretty benign, but if you get trapped listening to one talk, be prepared to spend the rest of your life humbly taking in his sage advice. And also his conspiracy theories. Did you know that not a single thing happens anymore ever in the world without a team of gangsters, aliens, politicians, dead celebrities, and Richard Nixon (Nixon's kind of like the "all of the above" option) meeting behind closed doors in Geneva, discussing it and working it into their plans for turning all baby boomers everywhere into Caddallac apolstry? I don't ever knock insanity as a means of spicing up your relentlessly dull suburban existence, I'm just saying maybe you should keep this information to yourself sometimes. Like times when anyone, but especially me, is anywhere where they can hear you. Freak.