Boulder, CO Part Two:
Boulder, CO Part Two: |
It's not just the hippies in this town though, it's everybody. Do you remember the other day, when we had night of 10,000 morons? Maybe we just had it here. But regardless, there were 10,000 morons running around that night, and I bumped into all of them. I left my underground sanctuary around 11PM to go rent some movies. It was freezing fucking cold out here- zombie weather, and as I walked down the alley to the video store I bumped into three fratdicks. The were immediately started upon seeing me. At first I guessed they were fans of my former band, the Icelandic pop sensation "Abbo", and our hit single that stayed at the top of the Iceland charts for a record 6 years, or maybe they were fans of my current solo work. As it turned out, they were not fans, and probably weren't even hip enough to have ever heard "Abbo" before. It turns out I'd interupted some sort of alley-way dick-sucking Championships, and these guys seemed pretty imbarassed, especially for guys who actually wear sweatshirts proclaiming there involvement in the modern day version of ancient Greek sodomy clubs. They went on the defensive right away. |
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Fratdick #1: (wipes man foam off his lips and chin) You walking in the alley, boy? Fratdick #2: (takes a moment to stare longingly at Fratdick #1's crotch, then turns to me) You know what happens in allies, don't you? Me: What? Fratdick #3: (shoves me, nearly falls down drunk) Why don't you just keep walking? Me: What? Fratdick #3: Keep waking... ( Slurrrp! Slurp!) Me: Whatever. (walks away) Ewww... Left: Fratdicks 1, 2, and 3 preparing for a night of brain eating, ass thumping zombie fun. |
He really called me boy, like this is 1950's Mississippi and he caught me exercising a brain cell or walking a black girl home from school. What? Are we in fucking Compton or something? You know what happens in allies in Boulder? Hippies get high and fall asleep. That's it. Hahahahha! Dumbass. I was walking until the United Cocksuckers of America stopped me. Okay so, maybe I pussied out a bit, but I figure my excuse is there were three of them, plus I only had an hour to get to the video store, and that's not nearly long enough for me to unleash my furious Three Ring Circus of Pain and Kicking! so you know, I just left. |
  Above: Fucklick, video store moron extraordiniare, and his hippy sidekick, but wait! Does the hippy hold a zombie secret? |
Me: (walks up to the counter) Hi. Fucklick: Hey. Allright man! Dude look, Meatballs and Rambo Dreaddork: What's Meatballs? Fucklick: It's this John Candy summer camp movie. Me: How much? Fucklick: [practically $1,000,000] plus you have about twelve bucks in late fees. Dreaddork: I love these old really dumb old movies. It's like, their so dumb they're funny! Me: (hands clerk nearly $1,000,012) Thanks. (leaves) |
After all this bullshit, I'm still polite. Wow! I'm renting some movies! That hardly ever happens at the video store! Dude! Dude!!! NO IT ISN'T YOU STUPID BASTARD! At this point, I'm pretty much ready to leave before it gets worse. What are they even charging me late fees for? Like there was a line around the block to rent Commando while it was sitting on the floor of my car! Yeah, I need film critiscism from a guy who thinks it's cool to pull his dreadlocks back in a pony tail. Oh, it's so ironic to watch action movies and slobs vs. snobs comedies. Oh aren't we just like average people when we watch them! Fuck irony, I'm sorry if I like Ghostbusters II and War Games more than some pretentious trash like Schitzopolis, (which Siskel and fucking Dreadlock here had probably never even heard of) but at least those movies are trying to be entertaining. Dick. |
 Above: Imagine seeing this, but instead of Santa, it's the manager at Carl's Jr., and instead of taking a quick pee between toy deliveries, he's taking a long pee between being a dick. |
I won't need any commentary for this next part, as I actually exchanged words with the final moron of the night. I want to make it completely clear that this is all true. It might be hard for, say, my huge following at Stanford University to believe some of this, but in Boulder, Colorado, you just really do run into morons like Chevy Chase runs into rakes. I was sitting down in the alley on my walk home, enjoying a tasty smoke and sort waiting around for the frat boys to come back, so I can check whether or not I've grown more balls in the last half-hour. While I was waiting, some fifty year old Rolling Stone-looking fuck came over to the back of a house I'm sitting by and started peeing. He was just pissing right on someone's house in the middle of the night, AND decided to start talking to me. Keith Richards Asshole: Hey there. They don't let you pee in the bars anymore. You believe that. So I just gotta pee here. Me: You don't need to explain it to me. I know what's up in the LBC. (the alchohol is really going to my head at this point) Keith Richards Asshole: What? I just wanna pee man, I don't need a lot of lip! Me: What the hell are you talking about... drunken hippy. Keith Richards Asshole: (finally finishes peeing) Hey, man, you're aggrivatin me! You can't pee in a bar anymore! Me: You can't pee on someone's house either dick lick. Keith Richards Asshole: You watch it buddy (stumbles in his excitement), where I come from you'd be dead by now! Me: Where do you come from? Keith Richards Asshole: So just fuck you, man! (stumbles away, looking over his shoulder at me every second and a half) Me: Come on, where do you come from? You come from here you stinky hippy fuck! You come from here! |