Boulder, CO Part Three:
 Jesus Phish? Or Dumb Fucking Hippies?


''Phish is more than a 'jam band', because they use the 'LORD-THY-GOD''' to suck, instead of just using Dave Matthews to suck On March 16, my friend Sara was over at my house hanging out after an evening of hardcore Colorado-style drinking-and-then-getting-beer-poured-on-you-by-a-weird-anarchy-chick. Her car was parked across the street and at one point we were outside and thought we noticed a ticket attached to her windshield wiper. It was a ticket, a one way ticket to Jesus' ass-kissing maddness, staring everybody (who sucks') favorite band of barely listenable "musicians", Phish! On her car Sara found a (honestly) FIFTY PAGE MANIFESTO dedicated to proving once and for all that not bathing can turn you retarded, and also that Phish is Jesus Christ or something, and also that the guy who wrote this, "Nodick Von Hippyshit" as I know him, met Phish IN PERSON(!), and also something about Yoda, and maybe also something about how mental deffectives should not have access to computers, the outdoors, or any natural light.
If you'll turn your attention to the page on the right, "Page 1" for those of you playing along at home, you'll notice a few interesting things about this work of terrifyingly stupid genius. First off, because this writing is (obviously) so very important, every single word is capitalized. Now, I'm probably the biggest egomaniac you'll ever meet in one of those big no-name states between the Mississppi River and California, but that's only because you'll never meet this
According to paragraph three, Phish knew that they were Jesus, but were keeping it a secret. Thank god the Hippy Apostle finally came along to let the world know. It's time to all join hands and sing, after we listen to 45 minutes of self-absorbed soloing first. guy, on account of the fact that he isn't allowed to leave his spot on the nutty-bastard chain-gang except for once a year when he's set free to pamphlet the town with the details of his astounding intellectual feats. The point is: I spend a good number of hours a week working on this website/huge love letter to myself, and I don't even think what I do is important enough to capitalize Every Single Word In The Whole Fucking Thing.
In addition to his brilliant forays into the world of creative punctuation and sentence structure ("Being That Most Bands Promote Satan Instead Of The Lord-Thy-God, You Can Now Listen To Your Favorite Band PHISH And Its Not A Bad Thing, It's A Good Thing!!! --HALLELUJA!!!)[Editor's Note- What the fuck?], the author of this piece is also something of a Bill-Nye-esqu scientific revolutionary, in that he can tell that Phish uses 9% of their brains (That's 3% More Than You Or Me, Golly!) just by listening to their music alone in his friendless little world! Of course, he couldn't have figured all of this out alone (and I don't just mean he had help from The Lord-Thy-God, who came to him in the form of a little man camping out in the tip of his penis, revealing the secrets of the world to him every time he smeared the liner notes to "Hoist" with his heavenly spunk) he also had help from the actual members of Phish, whom he met "In The (Fall '99 At The Pyramid)".
They let him "'know'" that he was the "'Chosen One'", and encouraged him to become the raging dumbass he is today. Here I'd like to take a minute to speak directly to Phish, the Lord-Thy-God. Phish, I know I've taken a lot of potshots at you guys ever since I first saw your stupid fishtank video on Beavis and Butthead a few years ago, and I know it's hurt your feelings, supposing of course that all of your feelings haven't been suffocated by the huge piles of money you've bilked out of tasteless losers unsure of exactly what decade, or even century they're in. But I hope that maybe this pamphlet (did I mention that it's 50 FUCKING PAGES LONG!?!) can clear some things up between us. Do you see what you're doing? Do you see the horrible fucking idiocy you're responsible for unleashing on this hapless world? If you do, then maybe you can find it in your hearts to just die, and let this whole thing wash over. Or at least just quit, and swear to never even listen to music again, much less attempt to make it. You'll be doing the world a favor, and The Lord-Thy-God knows it's not like you'll starve or anything.
Honestly, Phish, what the fuck did you say to this guy? He seems to think that you told him that you were Jesus, and also that he was Jesus, and I know he didn't just get this 'Yoda is Jesus' idea from out of no where. Well, if he saw Kevin Smith's Dogma, that might explain the Yoda thing, but you're not "off the hook" for the first two things. (Consider that pun an olive branch between us. Consider it the kind of olive branch an insane proctologist would use to examine your colon. Also consider it on fire and made of rusty metal.) 		If you're quoting the bible and a moldy piece of muppet in the same essay, and you're not doing it to be funny, maybe it's time to start thinking about just amputating all of your fingers.

Click here to press on to Part 4 of the Boulder Article
Boulder, Colorado Page 4
Starring Sara Ford!