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Hey dudes! Clarissa here to talk to you about something way un-cool: date rape. That's when you get raped by someone you know. It would be like, you know my buddy Sam? He climbs into my room through the window when he comes over. He's a real kooky guy! Well, usually he comes over and we hang out. I show him a video game I created, where a character that looks like me but with a disgusting bulbous head tortures the heck out of a character that looks like my little brother, "Ferg-breath" (He already has a disgusting head! Ha ha), and then Sam talks about becoming an artist and working for Image Comics. [editor's note: that was a nerd joke, don't be alarmed, just ignore it] Then after a while we feed my pet alligator, Elvis, and we have so much fun and then it's time for Sam to leave. That is not date rape. If, on the other hand, instead of leaving, Sam grabbed a fist full of my hair, thew me onto the ground and forced his 110 lb frame down upon me, then that would be date rape.
Now, say for a moment that did happen. What could I do? Well first, I would determine whether or not my assailant was a huge, reaking vagina. In this case, yes he is, so I would just beat him like I was a cop in a black neighborhood until he was either dead or unconcious. Or maybe I'd design a video game where a grotesque verse of my head went "Woop, dere it is!" all over a grotesque version of Sam's ass. You see, like many "free-thinking", "individual", girls my age, I like to surround myself with weak, sullen virgin boys, because they'll pretend to find anyone interesting who will give them the tiniest bit of attention!
But let's say I was attacked by a real man, like my boyfriend Clifford. Now, he's the date rape type. Tall, muscular, a take no b.s. kind of guy. Just look at the way he eats all of my dad's food, wich makes my dad very angry, but the old guy's too intimidated by Clifford to just tell him to knock it off. I'm getting hot just thinking about it! So, say Clifford tried to rape me. But Clarissa, you might ask, you've undoubtedly slept with Clifford before, he is your old man, aren't you obligated to sleep with him whenever he wants it for the rest of your life? No, no, silly child. You are never obligated to put out. So, say Clifford tried to rape me, what would I do? Well, experts say you should yell "Help" or even "Fire", call him a "rapist" in the hopes of shocking him into stopping, fight back immediately if he is unarmed or until it gets to dangerous to do so, and try to escape as soon as you think you've got a good chance. But you know, you "can't rape the willing", and I just can't imagine ever being in a situation where I wouldn't want to sleep with Clifford! Or any man like him!
Well, I hope you've learned something here to day, about date rape, and I hope the knowledge serves you in a "way cool" way!