Foxy Mouse Features Presents:
Clarissa Explains: The Enron Scandal
What's happening everybody? Clarissa here again, with the low down on another one of today's major news stories: Enron.
You see, gang, Enron is an energy company that was, for a short time, one of the largest corporations in the world. But the thing is, they made some very bogus business business decisions, and allowed a lot of Barney executives to suck the company dry while using company money for their own investments, which made many of them richer than my boyfriend Clifford feels when I let him slap my ass in front of his friends. Then, the execs lied to the public and even destroyed documents to make everyone think that the company was doing better than it really was. That's called cheating with a capital C-R-A-P in my book.
It's like the time my little brother, Ferg-ron, tried to trick everyone into thinking he'd graduated from college when he was only fifteen. He got "hooked up" to the "net" and ordered a diploma that claimed he'd graduated from "YALiE", and he tried to use it to get a job at my dad's architecture firm. Fortunately, I used my quick wit to design a video game that revealed the truth. Ferg-flap didn't know what hit him! Then I hid a stack of gay porn magazines in his room, and when Mom and Dad found them they sent him away to a mental institution! The doctors there gave him electroshock therapy to discourage "homosexual tendencies". Ha HA!
So Ferg-plug didn't get away with his evil scheme, like many Enron executives did. You see, the Enron guys all knew that the company was swirling around the bowl, and they sold off all of their stock at the last minute, right before the world found out the company was broke. Employees lost jobs and pensions, and stock holders practically burst like squeezed pimples when the price of Enron stock fell by more than $80 per share. They got hosed even worse than Ferg-fag!
Now it seems that some of the Enron execs are being brought to justice, and it's been made public knowledge how much money they gave to prominent politicians. Fortunately for me, and even more fortunately for all my rockin' rad readers out there, but most fortunately for Clifford's man-spear and ego, I, Clarissa, will never be brought down in what my family calls the "We Have No Son" scandal. So that means that you can always trust that Clarissa Darling will be there to explain things to you. Unless you piss me off. Then it's good-bye life, hello funny farm.
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