At this time of national strife, it is hugely important that we ask ourselves the hard questions. We must look deep into our heritage, into the heart of our national identity, and ask ourselves, "Was that guy who's face is on the $1 bill a rotting corpse, reanimated by magic or pseudo-science to plague the living?"
I've been studying the man recently, for this article of course, I don't want you to think I was just doing it for fun (I'm not like that) and I've discovered a few things. Thing one: his name was George Washington (that's "Jorje" [hor-hay] Washington to our neighbors to the south... Mexicans!). Thing two: he was apparently the first president of the United States, the country which later became America!
Jorje was born in 1732 in VA, but shortly thereafter his family immigrated to the New World and settled in Virginia. He grew up in a wealthy family. His father was an osterich farmer who produced most of the osterich jerky that would one day feed Jorje and his troups in the Revolutionary War. Jorje grew up tall, and he grew up right, but not with those Indiana boys and not on those Indiana nights. Indiana wasn't discovered yet. But oh my, my, oh hell yes, the Second Continental Congress called on him in 1775. The Second Contental Congress came into session in Philadelphia after the members of the First Continental Congress were stranded in the Andes Mountains, where they were forced to eat each other after two days of starvation. [NOTE- Reports conflict here. While some say the congressman were stranded in the Andes, others maintain that they simply couldn't come up with correct change for the bus ride from their hotel downtown. Either way, all sources agree that the congressmen devoured each other in an orgy of madness. -ed] Anyway, the Second Continental Congress got together and named Jorje the Commander in Chief of the Continental Army. He's was leading the fight in the Revolutionary War! But did he harbour a dark secret?
The war lasted six years, until a group of spirited youngsters, through mass protest rallies, conciousness-expanding substances, and transcendent, jam- oriented music, were able to spread their message of peace and fellowship to the far corners of the world, effectively ending all wars everywhere forever. After all that, Jorje had succeeded in seperating the United States from Canada, and a new nation was born!Jorje then retired for a few years, and it has since been rumoured that he grew huge amounts of cannibis on his farm at Mount Vernon, and became a marijuana addict. Well, that could be, but I had a chance to speak with an expert, and he paints a much darker picture.
