Foxy Mouse Features Presents:
Clarissa Explains: The Middle-East Crisis
Hey guys! Clarissa Darling back on the beat, and I'm here today to tell you about the Middle-East crisis.
It's like this: a long time ago, in biblical, sand-eating times, there were these jews, and these muslims, and they both lived in the same place. Then, after World War II, back when ladies wore these totally sweet hair-do's, but with lame-o-rama knee-socks, the United Nations gave the disputed land to the jews (now called "Israelies", which means, "Super-Jews"), and the Israelies called the nation, Israel. But the muslims, now called "Palestinians", say that that wasn't fair, and they think that a big chunk of Israel should belong to them. They want it so bad that sometimes they commit suicide by blowing themselves up, just to kill some jews. They believe that if they do that, they go to a room in heaven with seventy-two virgins... AS IF!!!
Anyway, the whole situation reminds me of the time my parents, Janet and Marshal, were fighting over what to do with the spare room in our house. Dad wanted it to keep his "far-out" archetectural nonsense in, and Mom wanted it for her gay children's museum stuff. The thing is, they both wanted it for themselves, and they both thought they deserved it. Now, we'll say that my dad represents the Israilies, because he has way more money that my mom, and if he was like the Palestinians, he'd have just wrapped Mom up in a blanket and beat the shit out of her for talking back. So then Janet represents the muslims, because she had all the support from me and Ferg-turd, just like Palestine has the support of all it's neighbors.
Now, the way that my parents solved the problem was, my mom got the room on Mondays through Wednesdays, and my dad got it on Thursdays through Saturdays, and no one got it on Sunday, because that's church day. But I guess that system wouldn't really work in the Middle-East, because they all have dirty heathen calenders with the days all mixed up.
So how should the Israelies and Palestinians solve their differences? Well, there's one easy answere. Space lasers should be employed to perform totally rad acts of destruction in random locations throughout Israel once or twice every day. Since they're all a bunch of backwards religious fanatics, they'll probably assume that god is punishing them for something or other. And it's hard to hate your neighbor when you know that at any moment you might burst into a cloud of atoms at the whim of the madman from space you worship.
You see, the Middle-East crisis is just one more problem that can be solved reigning down Pink Floyd-style desecration on top of the world's silly-ass god-freaks.
Well gang, until next time, this is Clarissa Darling saying "Live long... and party!"
Click on Clarissa to go back to the Articles Page!