3/13/02
In what promises to be the greatest ear-eating extravaganza of modern times, Mike Tyson will fight Lennox Lewis in the nation's capital. Mike Tyson was just yesterday (3/11/02 - see, I do know where the "/" key is) liscensed for the fight, and I am so incredibly ready to see this fight, mostly so I can finally say, "Mike Tyson is going to rape Lennox Lewis like some whore he met at a party and then left for dead, allegidly", and "Mike Tyson is gonna go of on this guy like some poor bastard who he thought cut him off in traffic but only because he was driving blind drunk at the time, also allegidly".
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Update on the war that will never, ever, ever end - there's now a little color-coded alert system to let everyone know how much terrorist threat there is right now. At the moment it's at Yellow, which stands for "so much terrorism I don't even want to think about it". The other colors are Orange ("so much terrorism I don't want to think about it and I bought a little flag bumper sticker"), Blue ("so much terrorism I don't want to think about it but at least I can start hanging up on recruiters when they call me again"), Red ("so much terrorism I couldn't think about it even if I wanted to, which I don't, because I'm dead"), and Green ("the color that will never, ever, ever happen, which is a fact I don't want to think about").
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In olympics news, the olympics are still happening despite the fact that I don't care and without any support from me in the form of watching them or caring about them at all. I guess it was pretty funny when that French judge traded her vote for a fisting on the luge track from that Soviet Union guy the other day, but because I was unable to care enough to actually watch the olympics or olympics coverage, I could only learn about that ordeal second hand, and I think the person telling me the story (lunatic, right) didn't have all of their facts right.
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Apparently, the city of Providence Road Island is forcing a bunch of firefighters to march in a bunch of parades, and one of them is a gay pride parade. Some of the firemen don't want to, but naturally the gay community is very interested in a few big strong members of the fireman community comming down to frollick with them for one hot, sweaty afternoon. As far as I'm concerned, the gays in RI are doing themselves a disservice. You see, firefighters, like cops, aren't all big buff sons of bitches like the ones featured in Put it Out and Get it On! and Backdoor Backdraft! Just look at the firefighters in Roxanne for instance. So it's possible that forcing a bunch of firemen to hang out with you might actually be a pretty disillusioning experience, and that's not what gay pride parades are all about. Paper-mache penises- that's what it's all about. Never lose sight of that.
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"The Fireman's Pump"
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Washington to Open Spy Museum. World Says, "Coo!"
The International Spy Museum is opening soon in DC, and it's the coolest thing to ever happen. I know some of you are probably saying right now, as you sit there reading this and trying to get the Wendy's chili stains out of your good bib, "but Tim, I'm a giant reaking vagina! I smell like Wendy's chili mixed with the scent of a huge reaking vagina! I appear to the casual observer as just an ordinary fifty year old man wearing a diaper, bonnet, and Wendy's chili stained bib, yet deep down I look like a huge, reaking vagina! I don't think spy equipment is cool, on account of my vaginal tendencies and the fact that I dress like a baby! Why should I care about a spy museum?" Well, let me direct your stupid attention to the photos on the right. 1- Poop shaped (and scented) transmitter, 2-Shoe phone, 3-Lipstick gun used by J Edgar Hoover (rimshot please), 4-Buttonhole camera, which probably never actually took a good picture but is never the less totally badass.
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Sometimes I read something and think, "how could anyone be interested enough in that for it to be news?" It seems that Rosie O' Donnel has come out. And I don't mean she's just come out of a giant birthday cake to do a strip tease, although I mean something almost as gross. It's not gross that Rosie O' Donnel is a lesbian, mind you, it's gross that Rosie O' Donnel has sex. And if it's illegal for a man, a southern man for instance, to express his love for his mule with more than just the typical tenderness and affection a mule owning crazy might wish to express, like say with a fancy meal followed by a delta stroll and then a night of passion and the sharing of that most sacred of bonds, then shouldn't it also be illegal for someone of either sex to do the same with Rosie O' Donnel?
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Don't Let This
Give You Head!
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Moron Wants Something Stupid, Government Won't Give it to Her Without A Ridiculous Fight
Vermont Moron Carol Ann Martin (right) really wants a license plate that says "IRISH" for some dumb fucking reason. But Vermont won't let morons put the names of ethnicities on their license plates on the grounds that it will piss off other morons and the ensuing "Moron Wars" would be too funny for anyone to handle. I think I have a two step solution to this problem: step 1 - make it legal for morons to put any rigoddamndiculous thing they want on their license plates, including boogers and Martin Lawrence quotes. Step 2 - after two weeks, make it illegal for morons to drive or leave the house and use vanity plates to track them down. This works perfectly because someone with a license plate that says "IRISH" probably doesn't realize how incredibly fucking dumb they are, and as a result won't just take off the license plate when the Moron Identification Squads are coming down her street.
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