3/19/02
The next wave in terrorist detering pornography is here! The Rapiscan Secure 1000, being tested at Orlando International Airport, takes X-Ray pictures of passengers before they board their planes, to see if they're hiding any weapons under their clothes. See that image on the left? That's what the airport security will see when you board your plan, provided you look like an alien freak with a perfectly almond shaped head. I, for one, am happy to hear this, as it's one step closer to society accepting my invention, the Rapi-Removes-All-Your-Clothes-And-Then-Takes-Naked-Pictures-Of-You-And-Then-Steals-Your-Wallet-And-Runs-Entirely-On-Fuel-Made-From-Grinding-Your-Baby-Into-Paste Secure 2000.
|
|
40 people from across the country have been arrested so far, with many more arrests to come, in connection with an FBI crackdown on child-pornography and molestation. It seems that 7,000 pederasses have been hanging out in a Yahoo! club with the name "Candyman". Through the club they exchanged pictures of kids getting molested that one FBI agent, in a creepy, creepy moment, called, "hard-core". So far the offenders have included many of the usual suspects: Catholic priests, little league coaches, teaching assistants, etc., oddly enough, no Baldwins have been named in connection yet, but I've got my eye on the scrawny one. I can't wait for that fucker to step out of line. It is good to see that our FBI isn't affraid to take on tough cases though. After-all, they are dealing with 7,000 members of a Yahoo! club stupid enough to hang out with 6,999 other morons exchanging illegal material in a fucking Yahoo! club. Christ, is the FBI even enough, we might need some kind of DC/Marvel crossover to get enough superheros to save the day on this fucking case. Go FBI!
|
|
Government Seems to Want to Blow Up World, World Says, "Hold Up!"
The government apparently wrote some report, part of which seems to talk about possibly considering changing Americas policy on not destroying the entire world in a nuclear holocaust. China, Russia, Lybia, Iraq, Iran, Syria, and North Korea would be the first countries destroyed it this document ends up becoming the catalyst for the end of all life everywhere, followed by every other nation on earth in a radiation fueled orgy of destruction that the term, "World War III", just doesn't do justice to.
Personally, I'm 90% sure that the government doesn't want to blow up the world, but even if they just like to pass around joke-documents about what it would be like if they did want to blow up the world, I'd really rather they didn't let everyone on earth know about it. If some Pentagon guy was just fooling around when he wrote this blueprint for the fall of mankind, maybe he should have kept it to himself a little better, because you really just never know exactly how good a sense of humor, say, the Chinese have.
|
|
Fox News just did a story about "Photoshopping", which is apparently the latest trend sweeping the nation. Here is a quote from the story: It used to be people cutting out someone's head and pasting on another body. Now it's become more of an art form.- Wired Magazine Editor Jennifer Hillner. Oh well, fucking excuse me! Maybe I'm not an "Art-Fag" who knows all about making "Art" like the "Artistic" piece of "Photoshopped Art" on the right. Maybe I'm not "Sophisticated" like the guys at "Something Awful". And maybe I don't "Understand how to use 90% of Photoshop and I just have a copy my friend burned for me because there's no way in hell I'd ever pay that much money for anything that didn't promise to cure impotence." But I've got one thing those big guys don't have. Something that they can't buy with all of their money or even trade for their flashy cars. Something that their fancy "4-year diplomas" and "knowledge of computers" can't get them. And that's heart, my friend. Heart, and the knowledge that no matter how good it looks, "Photoshop Art", whether it be putting tits on Britney Spears, nipples on the tits on Christina Ricci, or a Chewbacca head on Michael J. Fox, is a bigger waste of time than "Photoshop Religion" and "Photoshop Herbal Remedies" combined.
|
|
A Nigerian woman named Safiya Hussaini (37 years old)(pictured right)(I know! But apparently she's only 37), faces execution by stoning after being convicted of having sex outside of marriage, which violates Muslim law. Okay Jesus Fuck, if anyone who looks like that is getting laid, they should be getting nothing but cheered on. I understand why the backward ass government of Nigeria fears her, people generally don't look like that and have active sex lives without being adept at some sort of dark art or without some deal with the devil, but isn't that a good reason to not piss this chick off? She's practically the Superman of your obscure little paradise of rocks and camel shit, you should do as much as you can to keep her fighting on your side. Say you bury her up to her waist in sand and then prepare to kill her with rocks (that's the plan), but then "LOOKOUT! Oh shit! Fire is shooting out of her crazy ugly head! Oh my god it's Voodoo Magic! Help! Help! She has the strength of 1000 angry
Predators!" Just let the lady lay when she wants to, guys, and that firespitting-Voodoo magic can be on your side.
|
|
Just in case you were concerned that maybe the world didn't seem to be barreling out of control down the tracks toward certain annihilation, like a train going into a tunnel but actually the tunnel is hell, then this little piece of news is for you. Remember to share it with the rest of the class, though, and don't chew it with your mouth open. Scientists say that the reason a 720 lb chunk of Antarctica fell into the sea this morning was Global Warming. I don't want to sound like an alarmist, but I'm completely alarmed and I want everyone else to be alarmed as well. CHUNKS OF CONTINENTS ARE FALLING INTO THE SEA. Sure, it's just an enormous piecs of an ice rock now, but what about in a few years? Boom, there goes Chile. Oh shit, South Africa just floated away and sunk. I bet you'll sure feel like a dick then, won't you Mr. Idontcareaboutantarcticafallingapart. Some people, mostly companies like Noxious Death-Fumes Inc. and Project: Everyone Dies Inc. (makers of Radioactive-Aeresol-DDT-
Baby Powder and the eBay favorite- the Giant Ray That Slowly Destroys the Entire World) tend to say that Global Warming probably doesn't exist. This usually tricks the most severe, "Will and Grace"-watching morons. The rest of us are pretty sure that Global Warming is real, and some of us haven't even ruled out the possibility that it's a plot against us. Here's my advice to the non morons: "Holy fucking Jesus' holy balls on a dinner plate, what the holy fucking hell are we going to do!?!"
|
|
It seems that recently a Florida court forced an ISP to hand over the identities of eight people who'd posted not nice things about a former corporate CEO, so that the company could sue them for defamation. It's a fun new trend, where people with lots of money get to sue everybody that doesn't like them. My response to this is as mature as you'd probably expect. "Bill Gates is a child pornographer."
|
|
You can now sue your parents if you're born retarded! I'm going to be fucking rich! It's called "Wrongful Life". According to "real" journalist, Wendy McElroy, In "wrongful life," the disabled child — or those acting on the child's behalf — sues for being alive. Sometimes, the parents become defendants. In essence, the child claims he/she was damaged by being born and should be compensated. Sure, I was hesitant at first a few years ago when everyone started suing each other for stupid reasons, and often for allowing them to do stupid things that they wanted to do, or not trying hard enough to stop them, but now it's all coming together. Now, I see the beauty. Now, I like it when I have to ask myself, "What if I'm just minding my own business and then some moron in another part of the country shoots his big toe off while driving drunk in the oncoming lane after robbing a liquor store- will he sue me?" That was a fairly common question back when just the morons were suing. But now, the retards
are finally getting their shot at the free money, and this puts us squarely in line with the hypothesis of my critically acclaimed 1998 thesis, "10 Steps to Creating a World Where Everyone with a Brain is a Slave to the Least Intelligent Percentage of the Population. You can sue for being born- let's make the dream happen!
|
|