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3/27/02 Today is a dark day for fans of binge drinking everywhere. Dudley Moore, star of the "Arthur" movies, has passed away. He had been suffering from PSP, and died of pneumonia brought on by the disease. On the one hand, I feel bad for him, but on the other, he did get to sleep with Daryl Hannah, so it's not like he didn't get to live a full life or anything. |
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This Middle East shit is getting to be too god damn much. Today a suicide bomber for a Palastinian terrorist group killed 15 Israelis and wounded 130 more. Fucking a' what the fuck good does that shit do anybody? "Oh look guys, a psycho killed some civillians, I guess we should give his organization everything they want." NO! Of course that's not going to happen. Why don't they just pass a law that makes armies of any kind illegal. From now on, leaders can just fight each other to death to solve the god damn problems they dump on everybody else. |
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A giant blob of algae has begun eating Florida. The black, booger-like substance has been attacking the southern, booger-like state since December, apparently, but I guess the "Gatorville Times" or whatever the newspaper is called down there was trying to keep the story all to itself for a while, so it's just being reported on now. Men in lab coats (presumably either scientists or lab coat models) say that the algae is likely to fire giant, venomous spores into the air, which will then rain down like a biblical plague on the poor, defensless assholes of Miami. The spores will probably cause people to instantly undergo a terrible metamorphoses into a race of giant snake creature. Cobra Command has not been ruled out as a perpetraitor in this case. When asked, Cobra Commander told reporters, "I onccccce wassssss... a man! I wassssss a man!" |
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Airports are considering another security step beyond taking naked pictures of passengers. Security experts claim that within five years, iris scans, electronic thumbprints, or palm scans will become commonplace procedure in U.S. airports. The great thing about the idea, though, is that airports will probably charge for the service of shining a light in you eyes and putting your hand on a sensor. Which only seems fair. After all, the airline industry allowed a bunch of terrorists to hijack their planes and kill thousands of people, then they recieved $400 billion of our tax money to bail them out, and now, to help insure that there are no more hijackings, they're going to charge us for giving them a creepy amount of access to our personal identities. I'm glad to see that, though the attacks were the darkest day in the history of our country, they really changed somes things around here for the better. We all have a more heightened awareness to our duties to our fellow men, and we're beginning to overcome the moral obstacles presented by the events of the past few months. Except the airline executives, who are a bunch of fascist assholes. And I hope they die slowly like ants under a magnifying glass, but the glass is smudgey and the sun isn't at it's brightest, so burning an ant alive takes about 16,000 hours. |
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The Energy Department seems to have lost some plutonium. For about fifteen years they were handing the stuff out to numerous countries as part of a program called "Atoms for Peace", and shock and fucking surprise! now they can't account for all of it. They sound like they're sure that even if the plutonium fell into the wronge hands, it wouldn't be enough to build a full-scale bomb with, just a "dirty bomb". Phew! That was a close one. Thank god that even if, say, Iran (one of the actual nationa we gave plutonium to) where to have hidden away some extra plutonium, they wouldn't be able to build a-... hey! Wait a minute! What does that mean, they can only build a "dirty bomb"? If that's supposed to be a good thing, why does it have a worse-sounding name than just "bomb"? What does a dirty bomb do differently than a regular bomb? Violate my asshole before vaporizing me? You know, the more I think about, the more I think that the government shouldn't even bother trying to put a positive spin on some of its fuck-ups. What am I going to do, complain and protest? I might not live to see another hour. I've got other shit to do besides bitch at them. True it's all their god damn fault, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to go with my original "last hour plan" of telling off each of my former bosses and ex-girlfriends parents, and then watching ten minutes of the Tonya Harding porno. They might as well give it to me straight, because I don't have time to get mad at them. |
The head of the Energy Department relaxing in a bucket. As soon as he got out of the tub, he stepped on a rake and broke his nose.
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A highschool in PA has just come up with the weirdest fundraiser ever. The school has marked off 3000 squares on the school lawn, and contestants can pay $10 a piece to claim a square. Then, they let a cow loose on the lawn, and whoever ends up with the most cow shit on his square, wins $10,000. Needless to say, there is very little going on entertainment-wise in PA, but spending the day watching a cow shit in a field is still more entertaining than, say, cleanign up cow shit in a field, or just killing the cow and watching it rot. The school has come underfire, however, from the People for the Etical Treatment of Animals, who claim that the fund raiser is demeaning to the cow. As though, if it weren't for these damn contests all the time, the cow would be off somewhere living life to the fullest, cruising down to the malt shop for a date with his girl cow friend, and then on to a night of passion at Makeout Point. Have the PETA people ever seen a cow before? Do they know what cows do all day? They walk around and shit. Only usually, the shitting doesn't result in fabulous prizes. This is probably the closest a cow has ever come to having any dignity at all. At least now there's a reason for him to just wander around eating and making a mess. Is the problem that the cow isn't getting a cut of the action? He gets free grass to eat all day. No one's charging him for poop removal. Isn't there like a real problem involving animals going on somewhere that PETA could maybe refocus its energy on? There's got to be at least one rural kid planning on setting a cat on fire tonight, go find him PETA. Do you really want to mess with the kind of nuts that would invent a contest like this anyway? |
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The world's biggest badass ever is apparently a 17 year old guy named Hoku Aki, who lives in Hawii. Aki was out body boarding (which doesn't sound very badass at all, but just wait), when a shark came up and ate his foot! Then the shark tried to eat the rest of him, but it gave up... AFTER HE RIPPED ITS EYEBALL OUT WITH HIS BARE HANDS. Aki then swam back to shore where he was given medical attention and an honorary degree from the Quint Academy of Shark Ripping Apart. |
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