4/02/02
Okay, apparently snoring in children isn't just an "annoying habit", it might mean they have a disease that can cause stunted growth, hearing loss, and bedwetting. All of this is actual news reported by an actual news organization, I haven't started making jokes yet. Is there anything that isn't a disease? It's a disease when kids snore, a disease when kids run around too much, a disease when they wet the bed. When I was a kid, practically just a few days ago, there was only one disease, "Being a Little Bastard Syndrome", and there was one cure, getting my ass whacked. If I was snoring, that wasn't a problem, as no one else could hear it, but if, while my brother was snoring in his room, I put his hand in warm water causing his bladder to bust out all over him, it was BALBS, and my dad came in with the cure. It's like life was normal for everyone one in my generation, we all got the ass whack cure and we were all on our way to growing up and not being career supervillians, and then one day in seventh grade all of a sudden everyone was on Ritalin. I don't know that it made any of us better people, but it definately made a few of use richer people. Of course, technically "drug dealers" may have been a more a appropriate term, as the wealth came from selling Ritalin to spectacularly lame high school kids, which I guess means that Ritalin was making some of us worse people. So there you go. Want to win the war on drugs? Stop making it a disease every time a kid does something you don't want him to, because he'll probably start doing something you really don't want him to.
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It seems that a due to a flaw involving a credit card software called "PDG", numerous web sites were publishing the credit card information of people who shopped there. And even though this began happening over a month ago, some sites still hadn't taken care of the problem. That's why it's always a good idea to be as poor as is possible. My one credit card has a $400 dollar limit, and since I keep it maxed out at all times, no one can use it for anything. When shopping for electronics, try to find things that are slightly damaged. You can usually get a huge discount, and no one wants to steal them. Same with cars, bikes, pets, whatever. Whenever you're about to buy something, recite this phrase: "Crooks couldn't get shit, for this piece of shit." If what you've just said is true, then you're looking at an acceptable purchase.
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In an amazing show of faith in the resilience of the American Spirit, Microsoft has recently decided that, though the country may be burdened by war, rising unemployment, and a wounded economy, our backs are still strong enough to shovel a little bit more of their bullshit. Although the company is so rich it literally causes my entire body to throb in pain when I think about it (okay, not literally, literally), and inspite of the fact that the Justice Department is easing off of it's monopoly suit, Microsoft is considering raising the price of it's internet service. It's nice to see that at a time when communication is at a premium, for soldiers over-seas, new yorkers in general, Arab-Americans who can't leave the house for fear of being chased by another angry mob, and liberals with the same problem, Microsoft has the undying belief that the little people of this country can always find the ingenuity to stretch things just a little bit thinner.
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Some people are giving Britney Spears shit for endorsing Pepsi, considering that she follows a dietician-approved super healthy diet. Yeah, I guess that makes her a hypocrit or something. She really should just stop forcing people to gorge themselves on Pepsi-made junk food like Cheetos, and then turn all of their problems into free sex and money using her magically firm ass. Oh wait, that's bullshit. It's not like she endorses "Cancer in a Bottle" or "Broken Glass Brand Cough Drops", it's just Pepsi. Everyone knows it's bad for you, and if you're dumb enough to believe that a product must be good for you just because a teenage entertainer wearing a bikini top made out of a single rubber band sings a song about it, then you might as well add some fat to that stupid, since no one wants to talk to you anyway. No harm no foul you flabby moron. If anyone offered me even a fraction of what the Pepsi company offers her to sell their product, and it was no more dangerous than sugar water, I'd slap on my pasties and be singing "The Joy of Pepsi" faster than a thirteen year old boy could picture Britney naked. And so would you. Britney Spears is one of the lucky few. She never has to do a day's work for the rest of her life, and as much as that pisses me off, I'm not as skilled at kidding myself as the people who say they'd do any different if they had the shot. It's not her job to be the most perfect human being ever, it's her job to entertain morons, and god knows it's an important one.
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In another show of good old fasioned patriotism in the face of trying times from corporate America, McDonalds has decided to insert it's chicken finger right up the ass of American farmers, by switching from American to imported beef from Australia and New Zealand. That's all I have to say about that. I just wanted to use the chicken finger up the ass joke.
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Barbara Steisand has climbed back up on top of her solid gold, gem-encrusted, adamantium-laced soap box to deliver another political mandate to your grandmother. She says she wants "us" (re: people who listen to everything she has to say because she sings well, double re: nursing home residents and a couple gay guys) to begin more openly disagreeing with the president. "It's time for each... of us to stand up and speak out." Oh thanks, I was just sitting around waiting for a celebrity, especially a celebrity who's famous for something brainy, like singing, to weigh in on the issue of whether or not I should like the president. I think she really believes that all the little people are just these cave-dwelling morons that need to be cowed into having opinions by the people they made rich. And I'm glad it's now finally time. If I had access to the kind of deciding-when-to-start-telling-people-what-to-do-technology Barbara has, I'm sure I would have picked now as "the time" too. I was actually using my primitive, non-celebrity mind to form opinions about the president months ago... actually I never really stopped doing that. Maybe if I was burdened with the pressure of teaching the country's Geriatrics how to think, I'd have shut my brain off for the last six months too.
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A lady named Judith Levine wrote a book called "Harmful to Minors", that's supposedly about how more kids should fuck old people. Or that's what it might be about. Despite the fact that every soccer mom organization in the free world has suggested that the book be banned, no one's read it yet, because it doesn't come out for another month. Hmmm... do family values people have to try to look like morons, or are they born with a disease that eats the part of their brain that reminds you to think before you say things, but leaves the part that makes you think other people give a shit whether or not your Son or Daughter is an Honor Student at Flaming Japs Military Academy? I blame Jim Carrey, Chevy Chase, and the president. The three of them have helped make idiocy so popular that now every parental organization is running around like the Keystone Cops after huffing the gas in the Cool Whip container. Just look at the PMRC, with their little warning stickers. It's like they want to be the lovable but moronic sidekick to the not-lovable, dasterdly smart censorship mongers of the world. But I guess you don't get to the top of the political ladder by "having read a book" anyway, so they just figure, "why start now? Our opinions are so predictable anyway."
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Okay, here's something that hurts my entire head, even my face. The US is going to let Afghanni drug lords move in and start harvesting the poppy fields that they used to use before the Taliban stopped them. Take a moment, read that again, then go get some Advil. According to Super Bowl commercials, illegal drug users are responsible for funding terrorists... we are fighting a war against terrorists... we're enabling more drugs to become available... we're enforcing drug laws... we're putting Americans in jail while simultaneously helping terrorists to raise money while simultaniously fighting terrorists... ahh... ahh... ahhhck!!! ... ... oh, I'm sorry, a little piece of my soul just exploded.
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