4/5/02
Researchers have discovered that the risk of a child born to cousins being a defective are much lower than previously thought. All I can say is, "thank god". I'm glad someone was spending money to figure this thing out. I hate to think of all the poor Alabama morons who'd been so afraid for so long to get drunk and knock up their cousins, only because they believed there was a much higher chance of the kid picking up their familie's messed up genes. Well, researches say you can go at it now boys, enjoy for hot cousin's-ass as much as you want.
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The Queen of England told reporters that her mother (who died last week), had "a wonderful life". No shit Grandma. Anytime a member of royalty dies, I think it's pretty safe to say they had a "wonderful" time being filthy rich with no responsibilities. That's like saying that a coal miner who dies of Black-Lung had "a pretty shitty go of it". Of course he did, he practically lived underground and swallowed things that they use to run power plants every day. The Queen Mother woke up at one-thirty every day on a goose-down mattress where she recieved breakfast in bed off the abs of an underwear model. And parades, unlike coal mines, don't kill you if you're in them too many times (unless you're JFK), so the stress level and risk level of this woman's life were about as close to absolute zero as they could be. She got 102 years of total bliss, do you have to rub it in our faces you old crone?
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Jerry Falwell is trying to make an ass of himself again, and he's succeeding. He's suing the site www.jerryfalwell.com, (Jerry himself uses www.falwell.com) for violating a "common-law trademark" of his name. I just want to say to him "hey buddy, remember the last time you sued someone for doing a parody of you? Not only did you lose, but you lost so bad that they made of movie out of it" [The People vs. Larry Flynt - ed]. If I ever do something so spectacularely poorly that someone decides to turn it into mass entertainment, I'm not going to go rushing out to try it again. So people make fun of you, so what? You're rich, you get laid despite all physical circumstance, and you've got a loyal army of old people who obey your every command. You're like Skeletor, except with skin, so just shut the fuck up and enjoy it, for Christ's fucking sake. Nobody even punched you in the face for that dickheaded stuff you said about lesbians initiating the attack on America. I should have your luck and your problems.
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Scientists have finally perfected technology that will allow morons to have id tags implanted in their bodies. Why would anyone want to have a little id number under their skin? Well... I guess if they were looking to get all the bar-coding done early and avoid the big lines when the rest of us are having it done to us against our will in the post-apocolyptic, industrial music-influenced future, then it'd be a good idea. I just want to know who funds this kind of shit? It's like the kind of stuff Kaos! scientists would be working on, until their machinations were foiled by that lovable scamp, the dim-witted do-gooder Maxwell Smart, and his totally way too hot wife, Agent 99. You can keep worrying about the that whole KMFDM future thing I was talking about earlier, I'm just going to take a minute to think about Barbara Feldon for a while.
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The League of United Latin American Citizens (what a snappy title that is!) have publically come out asking The Cartoon Network to air Speedy Gonzales cartoons, which haven't been shown since 1999 in America. I think I speak for all white people in the country when I say, "really, you won't be mad? Cool." My plans to go ahead and name the minor league baseball team I just bought on eBay (Buy It Now! Just $78.00 plus shipping!) "The Welfare Mexicans" will now proceed unhindered.
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The owner of PetsWarehouse.com has been suing people like mad for saying bad things about his business' crappy service. And everyone he's been taking on has been settling out of court. First amendment? Apparently doesn't apply where "crybaby fish-fucking assholes" are concerned. His lawyers claim that simply posting on the internet about poor service you recieve, even if you actually recieved poor service, is illegal defamation and not constitutionally protected free speech. The "man" is also suing for "emotional distress", which is kind of like suing for "being alive". Life is stressful, emotionally and otherwise, deal with it. I'm sick of people suing whenever they get their feelings hurt. At some point, don't you have to act like a grown up and just take a gut punch here and there? I want to apologize to the fish loving pansy right now, "I'm sorry that you gave your customers poor service, I'm sorry that sometimes in life we get our little feelings hurt, and I'm sorry to have ever heard about such an amazing pussy. And if you try to sue me I'll tell everyone about our affair."
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Usually, I tend to be pretty against the rock stars, but this is just bullshit. Marilyn Manson gave some girl some drugs, which she asked for (and I don't mean that in a halter-top and mini-skirt kind of way, I mean she literally asked for them), and then she decided to go for a drive. She died, and now her parents are suing for "wrongful death". Umm... yeah, sorry that your daughter wasn't very smart, but I don't quite see where the part where you get a bunch of free money comes in. I wish I knew a celebrity, or someone with a lot of money, then whenever something bad happened to me, I could just blame it on their influence and jump onboard the lawsuit gravy train.
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