4/10
England still talking about the Queen Mother
Didn't she die like, a week ago? How is it still news? Thirteen Israeli soldiers just died during an ambush at a refugee camp. Iraq just decided to stop exporting oil for a while, causing gas prices to go up even more. An old lady is still dead. Which of those sentences do you consider news? They all happened today, and yet, perhaps some of them are a little bit more important than others. Goddammit nevermind.
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The mayor of New York City, Michael Bloomberg, was recently featured in an ad on the front page of the New York Times, endorsing marijuana. What the hell is even going on? I'm all for legalization, but still... what the hell is going on? Aren't mayors supposed to be crusty old bastards who just took the job so they could play golf with minor celebrities? Now their fighting for the right of people to sit on the couch all night and eat Bugles dipped in Little Juan burritos. Oh wait, I see what happened. I must have slipped into a parallel dimension. Okay, ignore me, I just need to get comfortable, as the ways of your people on this Earth seem strange and foreign to me.
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A new study claims that 1,400 college students every year die as a result of drinking alcohol. Get ready... wait for it... wait for it... "I tell ya, how come more of them don't die around where I live!" (BUH-dum-CHA!)
[this edition of the Never-Ending Rant brought to you by Rodney Dangerfield- ed.]
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In other college kid news, protests against the US governments support of the Israelis over the Palasinians (to find out what these words mean, click here) have been spreading to campuses all over the country. I've got nothing against this, and I'm sure that the Palestinians really appriciate it, but I have something I need to say to Boulder protesters who might be marching down 13th street in the near future, rallying for the idependence of the muslims in Israel, or counter rallying for the rights of the Jewish people: I, my website, my roomates, and everyone else who lives in or is currently visiting the big green house on the corner, completely, 100% agrees with you and your noble cause, therefore, there is no need to smash the windows, molest the cars in the driveway, or break your empty beer bottles on the porch. Please move along, as I believe I just heard the guys two houses down say something about how they think all protesters are rimlickers. Thank you."
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The internet-distributers of nicotine lollipops and lip balm were shut down by the FDA for selling unregulated pharmacueticals and doing it without a doctor's prescription. How long did they think they were going to get away with that? How could they get by without anyone noticing? If you run a whorehouse in Virginia, you don't put a billboard above it that says: "We Exchange Sexual Favors For Money", because it's a fucking stupid idea. If you're kind of breaking the law, it kind of seems like doing it out in the open is kind of a shitty way to go about it. It's like when I was a kid at First United Methodist pre-school, and the Mafia used to bury the bodies of local merchants and feds they'd bumped off in our sandbox during reccess... only they didn't really do that because they're not fucking idiots. Take a note, you can always learn from the Mafia.
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President Bush is pushing for congress to pass a law making all human cloning illegal. Sure you could argue that we should pursue further research into cloning because it a)might help cure diseases and b)isn't going away even if it is outlawed, but I think Bush's, "there's a magical bearded man living in Cloud City who I suspect might not want us to clone things, though I have no way of knowing," is definately the stronger argument. The important thing to consider here, though, is not what effect this proposed legislation would have on future clones, but how is it going to effect the clones we have now? I mean, just about every super-villian worth his silly hat has at least one clone of himself. What are lawmakers prepared to do about it? Oh sure it's easy to say, "no more clones, starting... NOW." But the damage may already be done. What we need is a comprehensive "Kill Dr. Octopus and all clones in his possesion" law, perhaps supplimented with a law making it illegal for him to come back to life. And maybe there should be a special exception to the cloning law that, though it makes it illegal for normal citizens to clone things (and isn't it time we finally put a stop to all these clones running around, doing our errands amd getting us into "Three's Company"-esq trouble with out girlfriends and wives), but would require our nation's superheroes to get clones made of themselves. After all, we can't trust the super-villians to follow the law, so we may need to enlist the help of an army of berserker Wolverines to combat the forces of evil. I'm going to stop now.
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I guess the ABC network now has a show where 25 female contestants compete for the chance to marry a bachelor. I think it's good that we have reality TV now. Before, the fucking morons were doing this kind of shit it private, now at least we get a little sliver of entertainment with it. I think we all deserve to watch the 26 morons on the show dancing for our entertainment every week like juggling bears wearing tu-tus in a Hannah-Barbara circus cartoon. We have to put up with their shit every day, wether they drive the bus, work at Blimpy, or are our boss at work, so we might as well get a half hour of seeing their limitless idiocy targeted at more worthy recipients. I another idea for a reality TV show: "Making Change", where 25 idiot contestants give different amounts of money to an idiot clerk, and he attempts to give them correct change, but he's too stupid!, relulting in a wacky bloodbath of hilarity! It would be just like what happens every time I'm ever in line anywhere, only I could enjoy the morons from the comfort of my living room, rather than having to actually interact with them in the real world. If we can all come up with enough new shows that star only actual morons from real life, we can soon have all (rather than just most) of them in Hollywood, and the rest of us will never have to see them again, except in televised form. It's fool-proof!
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Rather than waiting for someone in the 911 office to screw up and give him the wronge address before slautering any innocent people, a New Jersey cop went ahead and just blew away a bunch of his neighbors for no reason. Then he killed himself, denying us the opportunity to witness justice be served in the form of the officer recieving a fine, retraining, and having to do all the really nasty cleaning jobs around the cop office for a month, like cleaning up blood left on the floor of the women's cells, and then cleaning the same blood out of the other officers' pants.
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