The Foxy Mouse Never Ending Rant

4/18 Osama Bin Laden has released another tape of himself, this time bragging about the economic fallout from the 9/11 attacks. It's kind of hard to believe that the irony could really be that lost on him, but there he is in the video, standing in a giant crater in his pit-stained Salvation Army-reject shirt, nibbling on a handful of sand from a country who's main export is exploding morons, bragging about the dip in the US economy. Way to go man, you really showed us. Let's all pray he doesn't take this opportunity to use his country's vast stockpiles of camel shit and sickly goats to kick us while we're down. Although, I guess I'd be pretty smug too, if I was pretending that my Snidley Whiplash-influenced life entitled me to an after-life where a George Burns-like figure welcomed me into an everlasting, Las Vegas-esque paradise in the sky.
A Federal judge yesterday upheld an Oregon assisted-suicide law that had come under fire from John Ashcroft. Now, nobody is a bigger fan of not killing yourself than me (unless you happen to be a member of the band Phish), but this law makes nothing but sense to me. What exactly is Ashcroft afraid of? All of a sudden people are going to start offing themselves left and right? It's going to become the "next big thing", a fad sweeping the nation? Does he imagine kids in their living rooms watching American Bandstand, gleefully practicing "The Slit" all afternoon? The thing is, in most places, suicide is already illegal, but that doesn't exactly stop people from doing it. The whole point is, after it's over, no one can punish you. So if a few old people with cancer decide, "Fuck it, I'm sick of dealing with this bullshit", each year, and they want to end their lives, just let them. It's a free country. Or here, this is a suitably hearless way of looking at it, one that Ashcroft might understand better: Right now, tax-payers and people with health insurance are covering the medical bills of a lot of old, hopelessly terminally ill people who don't even want to live. If they're given the choice and choose death, why not let them. Oh okay, okay, here's a way of looking at it that will really appeal to John Ashcroft: a signifigant percentage of the people who choose assisted-suicide might turn out to be black or Mexicans.
In process of denying being a pederast, priest refers to self as 'Forbidden Fruit' If that's not the biggest Freudian slip of all time, I'm terrified to find out what is. That's like an arsonist attempting to clear his name and then refering to himself as, "the guy who burns shit down". Anyway, the priest went on to describe his sex life in totally, totally gross detail. He claimed that women had always been attracted to his uniform, and they practically threw their heaving bodies down upon his little wooden altar. Here's a little skit demonstrating how this press conference went: Reporter: So you admit to having sexual relations with women? Priest: Are you kidding? I have gotten down on many of the bitches! Boo-yay! Reporter: Um, okay, no more questions... Priest: I laid more women down than a gravedigger, foolish! I'd do them like this and like that, in the head and from behind! Reporter: Oh god... I feel dizzy. Please stop talking. No further questions. Priest: What, women love my robes! Bitches love a man in uniform! It enabled me to make many a booty-call! Reporter: Yeah, I'm sure it did pops. Women find uniforms sexy, that's why you always hear about models dating sanitation workers, and why the jumpsuit clad scientists of the future will always get to have sex with Barbarella. Face it old man, you slept with a half dozen little girls, and probably some little boys too. Priest: You're just jealous of the "booty-licious" power of my robes to attract the hootchies, you player-hating foolish! Reporter: Alright, whatever grandpa, but it's really not up to me to decide who you slept with. It's up to your ass-blasting future roomates in prison. Better hope no one finds out what your in for, or by the time you get out, your asshole will be able to double as a regulation basketball hoop. Priest: ... Reporter: Yeah. Uh-huh. Priest: Holy shit.	Not the actual pervert priest, this is his stunt double, Father "Happy" Mike Peterson. Note how the aura of the Lord surrounds him, and also how it looks kind of like phlegm.
Congress is getting ready to pass a bill that will outlaw "hidden sex cameras" in bathrooms, bedrooms, and other places, that are frequently used by pornographic websites. Yeah, laws against filming unassuming women peeing and then using the tapes to make money. That's a good idea. Some other laws congress might want to look into passing are: laws against grand larceny, manslaughter, and assault and battery. Is there really no law against this? How can that even be possible? In Fort Collins, CO, it's illegal to walk through Old Town carrying a goose, and in San Francisco you can't walk your elephant down a public street without a leash (seriously), how is there no law against turning someone's Yeigermeister-fueled vomit session into another person's Roman shower wet dream?
The makers of the poplular PC game, "Hey Kids, Stab Some Children!" are going to be in for the court battle of their lives. A ten year old boy and his fifteen year old sister admitted to murdering their six year old brother by stabbing him in the neck, and then burrying him in a shallow grave. The picture to the right is the kid they killed, and I'm sorry for the families, but come on. If the kid who didn't murder anybody looks that much like the anti-christ, the other kids must have had actual goatees and horns. If you have three kids that look like little bundles of satan, maybe you should try and keep them under a little bit closer supervision. And the kids had already admitted to trying to burn down their school a few years ago, but their parents still apparently left them on their own enough to sacrifice their little brother. I don't know, maybe if my parents were that retarded, I'd have been an evil little bastard too, it's hard to say.
Here's another story about animal rights people, or, as one New Mexico tough guy calls them, "bunny-huggers". It's time for the annual Alamogordo Rattlesnake Roundup, and event where a bunch of people catch rattlesnakes, then release them, and then go out and try to catch them again. The bunny-huggers feel that the event is barbaric and has a negative impact on the local ecosystem, of course, but the tough guys say it's an important tradition, and that the snakes do more harm than good in the wild, predictably. About the only surprising thing about this story is that CNN.com decided to put it on the front page of their site. They found some space for it in between the story about the airplane that smashed into a building in Milan, the one about the Canadian soldiers in Afghnistan that were accidently killed by an American bomb, and the one about the ANWAR drilling bill getting killed in the senate. Not exactly a slow news day, and in fact, when you consider the Alaska thing, not even a slow news day for stories about the environment. Anyway, here's my prediction for the outcome of this epic and boring struggle: "Bunny-Huggers": 3, "Snake-Eaters": 3; the winner: bunnies.

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