5/01
A five year old Florida girl was missing for an entire year before anyone noticed it, now it turns out she might be a beheaded corpse in Kansas City. Why exactly is Florida still allowed to be a state? When was the last time news came from Florida that wasn't maddening bullshit? People joke about places like North Dakota being useless, and everytime they meet someone from North Dakota they ask if he remembered to turn off the light (one of my favorite jokes, but still way too over-used), but at least North Dakota doesn't feel the need to piss me off every two or three months. Even New Jersey, the butt of every joke ever told be a New Yorker, the state that even people from Western Pennsylvania score on, does a couple things here and there to pull it's weight, like producing emo bands who's singers all sound exactly alike, and giving New Yorkers something to joke about instead of just killing you and stealing your shoes. If North Dakota is the clueless Woody Boyde of America, and New Jersey is the laughing stock Cliff Claven, then Florida is the stocky, bespectacled Paul "Too Unimportant to Get a Last Name". Florida just keeps to itself all the time, until our writers need someone to show up and complicate the plot with his witless fumblings. Why not call up the Israeli's and ask them if they want to move into Florida, or see if Castro is interested in just buying it off us. He'd might go for it as a chance to get his immigrants back. And didn't Spain used to own Florida? Come to think of it, I think we actually got it from them in a war. That was brilliant. The dastardly Spanish finally got one over on us with this whole Florida thing.
|
|
The American Lung Association has announced that half of all Americans live in places with bad-air, where smog and pollution are at harmful levels. Surprisingly, no Florida cities made it into the top ten shittiest-air list. Not surprisingly, six California cities did.
Question for Americans: Do you ever feel like there's some far-reaching government conspiracy, extending all the way from the lowliest post-office janitor up to the highest levels of power and authority and then up past that a little further to the aliens who pull the puppet strings of the people in the highest levels of power and authority, and then up just a little bit more to god and his army of angel cronies, and it's sole purpose, the only dastardly intention of this damnable, extra-terrestrial federal plot is to convince you to just give up and move to Canada? The nation of eskimos and things eskimos made out of ice is looking better and better all the time. Sure, the only things to do for fun in British Columbia are wishing you were somewhere else and fighting off hypothermia, but at least the air isn't toxic poison. Maybe it's just me, but it does seem like things are almost finished circling the bowl when you need deep sea diving equipment just to walk around in the nation's unofficial capital, Los Angeles.
Now's probably not a good time to be openly expressing non-patriotic or non-just-to-be-a-liberal-pain-in-the-ass-non-patriotic views around here though, so maybe I should just save everyone the time and shout "Love it or leave it!" and "Good men died so you could be a whiny tree-hugging prick!" at myself, and then go home, where I can sit in my room taking big breaths and waiting for the oxygen I'm taking in to become so poisonous a federal judge demands all air molecules be stamped with a little skull and cross-bones. I want to be a pirate! Arrrrggg, matey!
|
|
Eleven high school-aged kids were fired from their jobs as pages in the House of Representatives today for smoking marijuana. Okay, I don't smoke myself, but that's just because ever since I first say Oscar the Grouch on Sesame Street, I've had an irrational and unshakable fear of the color green. And don't even get me started on things that have little red hairs in them. But the point is, why is marijuana illegal? These kids got these government jobs by having the best grades and recomendations, so getting high obviously wans't fucking them up too bad. True, just about everyone I know who smokes (everyone I know) just sits around the goddamn house all the time and forgets where they put stuff, but in a free country, don't we have the right to be total shit-heads? And at least eleven of us seem to be capable of doing drugs and not being shit-headed in the slightest, so the future of the nation will probably be okay. After all, most of us will never amount to anything anyway, according to every bit of evidence the world has ever offered me on the subject.
|
|
Some Spanish nuts (how often does Spain come up in two news stories on a single page? Before you know it there will be a whole news day devoted to Sri Lanka) called the ETA blew up two cars outside a soccer stadium in Madrid, just a couple hours before a big soccer match, and injured 17 people. The group has been attacking people since 1968 in an attempt to have their own independent state in areas of northern Spain and south-western France. Maybe it's just because I come from the most powerful nation ever, or maybe it's just because I'm really really lazy, but it seems like a waste of time trying to seperate and form your own country. What's the point? It's hard as hell to actually do, and then once it's done, you have to do something even harder: run a new country. Can you really just not live with the idea that whatever your group is, it exists in a bigger country? I guess I understand overthrowing a government if the government does fucked up things like test hairspay on bunnies or cook human beings in gas ovens, but sectioning off a little piece of that country and telling everyone who lives there to start going by your rules seems like the kind of thing you'd need a severe, Conan O'Brien that time he was on Space Ghost or that other time when he was on the Martin Short in a fat suit show-size personality defect to try. Why is anyone so upset? Even if that land used to belong to your great-great-great grandfathers or something, don't you have a job or some things to do? Errands and whatnot?
|
|
Fat kids are being hospitalized for fatness-related disorders in record numbers. Now, I don't want to pick on a bunch of poor little fat kids, especially if they're sick, because some days I like to pretend I'm a good person. While searching for something else to make fat jokes about, I came upon the idea of game show host and ham Louie Anderson, but decided his incesant griping is probably even more pathetic than the wails of beefy little diabetics, so he was out. Then I just thought I'd recite a little haiku I wrote, so here it is:
Your fat hangs so low
It almost touches the floor
I want to eat it
|
|
In happier news, sources close to me reported astonishment today at discovering something conservative senator Orin Hatch did that didn't piss me off. The Senator got behind a bill put forth by drunken badass Ted Kennedy, that would ban cloning a whole human being but allow the cloning of little bits of human being for research and stuff. I'm all about cloning little tiny crap with human geno-gunk to cure Parkinson's disease and other diseases and all that, and apparently, so is nutty Christian Orin "The Wrath of God" Hatch. I also agree with him about not cloning whole big people, as we have plenty of them in orphanages, eating gruel and getting their asses beat red by nuns already.
|
|
John Ashcroft is continuing his battle to prevent weirdos from abusing pictures that look like children doing things that look like having sex. I hate to side with the weirdos, but I think the moment we start giving constitutional rights to cartoon characters, all hell is going to break loose. If Pepe Le Peuw even starts talking to me, I want to know I'm well within my legal rights to smash his face with a frying pan or lure him under a building where some movers are hoisting a grand piano up to a sixth story window using only string or strands of hair they tied together. I suppose it's easy for John Ashcroft, up in his ivory tower, to let loose the menace of ink and paint (or cyber-ink and e-paint) upon the rest of us, all in the name of "keeping creepy bastards from pretending to molest children", but I think I can put this whole thing to rest using the same joke I use at the end of every story about John Ashcroft: "What's next John, civil rights for black people?"
|
|
This is the most bizarre day ever. I'm agreeing with a redneck bible banger, and getting mad at a fat guy who pisses off the CEO of Nike. Michael Moore just made a film about Columbine, "Bowling For Columbine" , blaming the "violent culture in the Denver area". He points to the fact that Lockheed Martin makes weapons around there as something that added to the killers' sociopathic mindset. Yeah, that's probably what they were thinking about at the time, as evidenced by this play:
Kleibold: Hey man, they make missles near the suburb we live in. Even though we probably don't even know that, it makes me want to shoot a bunch of random people.
Harris: That makes sense. And you know that bowling class we're taking? Bowling is a non-violent sport, but it reminds me of violent sports, like The Ultimate Fighting Championships, which enables me to draw parallels between the violence inheirent in American entertainment, and real-life violence, so it must be okay for us to kill a bunch of people.
Kleibold: How dumb would someone have to be to think anyone really thinks this way?
Harris: They wouldn't have to be dumb, they'd just have to be trying to make a lot of money by looking at a tragedy in a "kooky" way.
Kleibold: What kind of a fatass would do such a thing?
|
|
Scientists have found a way to implant electrodes in rats' brains, which enables them, with training, to be controlled with a remote. The rats can be told to change directions, and even to climb trees, or take upskirt photos of such celebrities as Thora Birch and Gweneth Paltrow. If I were science, I'd start woking on a way to do the same thing, only with giant gorillas, then I use them in a string of bankrobberies, and use the spoils to finance more science, until I could one day build a remote control clone of myself, which I could use to test out various situations before I got involved in them, such as: "Is this pole so cold my tongue would stick to it, or can I just go ahead and lick it", and "Is this pole so hot it would burn my tongue, or can I just go ahead and lick it."
|
|
For the last story today, it's May 1st, which in America is "May Day", a day when old people and kindergarteners put baskets of goodies on each other's doorsteps. But I guess in every other country in the world May 1st is "Go Fucking Apeshit Day", as hundreds of thousands of protesters, from extreme right wingers to communists to wealthy students pretending to be communists to anarchists took it to the streets, each one of them either fucking shit up or getting the shit beat out of them for no reason by police, all over the world. In England, France, Germany, Russia, Macedonia, Croatia, Greece, Turkey, Cuba, the Philippines, Australia, "three Asian countries" [Foxy News sucks- ed], Singapore, Malaysia, and Hong Kong, all nations who call "soccer" "football" and "football" "American football", were involved in big ass protests and big ass police in riot gear coming down on protestors last night and this morning. Ladies and gentlemen, we cannot allow the United States to fall behind the world in frequency of gigantic protests. If the rest of the world is going off the hook, someone over here better be passing around a memo, letting us all know to grab our sandwich boards and gas masks, or at least do some looting. It's one thing for Croatia to kick our ass in math or literacy, no one looks to us for leadership in the catagorie of "not being a bunch of nuts". They do however look to us for leadership in the catagorie of "being a bunch of nuts", and this failure to uphold our image can only hurt us in the future.
|
|
