21 Year Old Man Somehow Knows Everything
BOULDER, Colorado, April 5, 2002-
|
Twenty-one year old Mark Haney appears to have the definitive answere to every question in the world. The phenomenon was first noticed six years ago, when Haney was asked, in his high school civics class, to give his |
For the next two years, Haney, "just wouldn't shut up in class," a tendency which followed him to college.
Professors at the University of Colorado in Boulder have often complained amongst themselves, "that Haney boy is a real piece of work," and "how can this kid have an opinion about every single little thing? Who even cares?"
Said English teaching assistant Moira Peters, "the other day I was showing the class the appropriate times to itallicize words, and Mark, like, stands up (I thought he was going to jump up on his chair), and says 'Itallics are for suckers!', and then he starts looking around the room like, 'Who's with me?' Like he thought everyone would start cheering him on. Please."
The young man's near encyclopedic knowledge of every single thing that has ever happened had done more than just earn the scorn of his teachers, however.
Says girlfriend Heather Clemons, "A month ago we went to see [Henry] Rollins do spoken-word, and after the show, we saw him outside the theater. So Mark goes up to him and like, completely goes off on this long spiel about how [Osama] Bin Laudin is already dead, and 'if the U.S. was smart' we'd get out of Afgahnistan. You could tell Henry was trying to be polite, but after ten minutes, he kind of acted like he needed to help the roady load up the P.A. gear. It was so embarrassing! And then on the way home, all he could talk about was how Rollins was so into what he [Mark] was saying. Like in a few days Mark's going to get a call asking him to please open up for Henry Rollins on tour or something. God I need a new boyfriend. Oh, don't print that last sentence.
When asked by Foxy Mouse reporters to give his take on his singularely defined opinions on every conceivable subject, Haney launched into a forty-five minute diatribe, that might as well have been saying "Look how smart I am! Everybody love me right now!"