Now, the reason we here at the Foxy Mouse compare it to the mullet is this: Think of eighties rock stars and what immediately comes to mind? After vomit-inhalation related deaths? "Short on the top, long in the back, it keeps my neck warm, when I'm out buying crack." That's a little nursery rhyme I just made up about mullets. Anyway, eighties rockers=mullets. And if you have a mullet today, you're an object of ridicule every time you're out in public, from the Tractor Pull all the way home. Now, I say if wearing a Cinderella hair-do in the 21st century is hilarious (which it is, unless you're a lesbian cop, in which case you completely rock) then wearing Soundgarden facial hair should also be looked at for what it is, a hopelessly dorky attempt to look "with it!"
Why not just grow one of these,
like Martin "Cassanova" Van Buren, our eighth and most verile president? That was stylish once, way back in history.Now, you might say, "Tim, who the hell are you to judge? You look like a badly botched attempt to clone Ben 'Boy Meets World' Savage
only you have real hair instead of a ring of pubes around your head."Well, okay, true. So then, how can I make fun of someone for the stupid looking facial hair they grow, here in America where everyone is free to grow any dumbass looking thing they want to on their head? Well, I'll tell you. It's because this is the internet, and any loudmouth can say any assinine thing he wants to, free from all morality, and with his identity concealed. You see, I have a confession to make. I don't actually look like the "Boy Meets World" reject up their next to superstar acting powerhouse Ben Savage. That's a picture I found when I did a Google search for "nude Boy Meets World lookalike". I just use it because I feel it will appeal to the "internet community" more readily than my actual face, pictured here:
So you can see, I'm the ideal male, in reality, and can therefore sit atop my throne of hair care products and shout, "Mirror, mirror, above my bed, soul patches look so retarted!" all day and all night if I want to.
But back to the critical issue at hand. The thing about chin mullets is, if you're not part of the solution, it's probably because you have something better to do. But that doesn't absolve you of responsibility, it just makes you employed, and this soul patch situation isn't just going to leap up and shave itself off. We as a people, as a nation, need to come together and set aside petty differences like who's country of origin is fighting with who's, and who's religion is actually the one true path to salvation and who's damned too an eternity in hell, and get down to brass tacks. Big fucking brassy tacks. Someone needs to start some kind of national hotline that people can call to report instances of soul patch related crime and get help overcoming soul patch caused trauma. I'm kind of busy what with getting the word out with this webpage and all, so I'll go ahead and dellegate that job to someone else. But here are couple of important soul patch facts that will need to be entered into the anti-soul patch propaganda machine, once someone starts it.
Only by getting information like this out there for the public to learn from, can we hope to stop the plague of little tufts of hair that threatens, like a fungus springing up one greasy hair at a time on the trunk of a mighty redwood tree, to eat away at our democracy and stability until we all come toppling down in a rotted out heap. It's that serious! For now, though, we should be okay. Enough of these guys are still falling out of pickup trucks to keep them from having too high of a life expectency, and the pathetic lines prevent them from doing much procreating. What worries me is this: with all of the medical advances springing up in these quickly changing times, science could be on the verge of finding a cure for falling out of a truck and landing on your fuzz-covered head, and maybe even one for girls not wanting to sleep with borderline retards. When that day comes, my friends, the time for educating the masses will be over, and a 15 round, winner take all RockEm SockEm Robots Championship between me and Ugly Tom Cruise for facial hair survival will be all that stands between us, and an entire world with a little fluff of hair above it's chin.
So you see, I hope you've learned some things here today. First, and foremost, that I'm actually a sexy male model. Second, that soul patches are a painfully laughable way for assholes to pretend to be rock stars from another decade. And third, that whenever you look at you facial hair options, men and women of America, always remember this rule of thumb: "If it doesn't make me look like a 1970's baseball player, it makes me look like Ugly Tom Cruise.
Test Subject #AA745-C1: "King of Beers"
The King of Beers says: "I call mine a "Flavor-Saver", cause you know, after a hard day of small-time "loan enforcing" and shooting sea-gulls at the dump, I just loves to come home, toss down a couple of tall boys, and eat pussy all night! I get so much pussy, you just wouldn't believe it. I'm like that cripple from Born on the Fourth of July, you know: "If you ain't got it in the hips, have it in the lips"! Except I also have a big pecker, you see. I just love to eat pussy, and then taste it the next day! Faggot!"
Test Subject #DW864-D2: "Ugly Tom Cruise"
Ugly Tom Cruise says: "When I'm at Chez Impotere, I have to look my best for the ladies, and that means showering, brushing my teeth, applying two sprays of cologne to my crotch (just like all the really cool guys in the movies- eg. John "Look Who's Talking Now" Travolta), and of course, the devastating combination of a well-groomed soul patch and "braces on a man clearly too old to be a cub scout". That's what the ladies want, a man who has straight teeth but is willing to spend three years of pain, soreness, and humiliation to get them just a little straighter, and facial hair that says: "I'm non-threatening, I really do like Enya, and I've already been nuitered. Also my hair always looks like it's moving."
If you are a white man with a soul patch you might as well look like this.
Here's an actual line and excerpt from this book-
Did YOU invite all these people? I thought it was just going to be the two of us.
A surefire winner at crowded places.... Be nonchalant, in a sort of comedic way (read: Matthew Perry), for best results.
Matthew fucking Perry? You know who could really deliver that line well? Matthew Perry getting his face chewed off by vermin. That would win me over at any crowded place. Seriously, though, I could imagine Red Foxx as Fred Sanford doing that line really damn well.
Test Subject #YOB65-E3: "Aging Virgin"
Aging Virgin wants you to know that, not only does his skaggy chin diarrhea look great, he got these frames for only $35, including doctor's eye exam. He'd also like to catch a ride with you, if that's cool. He hates to ask, but he left his fanny pack on the bus, and now he can't afford to go home, and he needs to call his exgirlfriend and spend a few hours trying to convince her that he isn't gay. At least not really gay.
