Foxy Mouse Features Presents:
Clarissa Explains: War
Hey dudes! Clarissa here once again, with even more "explaining" to do. Now of course you all know that the country's at war, and if you're like me, you're probably bummin pretty hard about it. But don't worry, because after you read this article, you'll know so much about war, you won't be upset anymore!
Now, the first thing to look at is, why did this war start. We all know that we started fighting after some murderous dogs destroyed our greatest city and slaughtered innocent people, but what made them do that? It's like this one time, when Ferg-burger, my little brother, tried to take over my room. He couldn't just come in and kick me out, because Mom and Dad would tell him to bug off, so he just started sort of, occupying my room. He was working on a big project for school, so my parents were giving him the preferential treatment, and he had all the power. I just had to sit and watch as he used my room for whatever he wanted, and he just kept dragging it out forever. That made me mad, mad enough to kill!... in a video game. I made a video-game on my computer where a character that looked like me had to push as many characters that looked like Fergusson off the edge of a building into Fat-Lady-Cannibal Infested Waters.
I thought it would cheer me up, but really it just made me hate the little Ferg-fart even more, and my rage almost became unbearable! That's kind of like what was upsetting the vile mad-men when they decided to perform the sickening attack on innocent people that they did. It's like, if Ferg-turd was making me angry, so I went to the mall and started shooting. You'de think I was bonkers, right? But some people are just way uncool, and they do some pretty bad stuff. If I'd just gone midevil, instead of trying to solve my problems in a cooler, peaceful way, I'd expect Ferg-fuckwad to take steps to make sure I didn't do anything bad again. But if the steps he took involved, say, killing my friend Sam or my pet alligator Elvis, who were innocent in the whole thing, then he'd be a bogus dude too.
So basically, here's how I'd clear the whole thing up: The whole thing would be completely impossible to clear up. So I'd probably either buy a lot of flags and flag decorated clothes, bumper stickers, cookie jars, baseball caps, bed sets, toys, pictures, comic books, dinner sets, rugs, salt and pepper shakers, barbeque grills, sand pails, Texas shaped belt buckles, and towels. Or else I'd just adopt a firmly knee-jerking intellectual stance. I'd try and treat this important issue like the way less important legalizing marijuana issue and be against the government to impress the other kids in my Unitarian Youth-Group, without actually considering the world at large into my over-the-counter leftist world view. Or maybe I'd just be grumpy all day long, every single day.
All right dudes, that's just about it. I hope you learned a lot today about the world around us, and how it relates to me and things that happened to me a long time ago. And above all, I hoped you learned a little something about war, and how you shouldn't trust anyone who pretends to have concrete opinions about the situation. Have a "way-cool" life until nuclear winter!
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