|
Name: Steven Segal Codename: Casey Ryback Ultimate Badass Movie: Under Siege (1992) |
If instead of being the most horrible war in the history of the world, WWII had been a huge dick-sucking competition, I'd make Steven Segal my #1 guy on the team. I'd make the "a" in his name into a little heart and then I'd draw an arrow through the heart. PS Under Siege sucked worse than Fucking Steel Fucking Magnolias Fuck. |
|
Name: Antonio Banderas Codename: El Mariachi Ultimate Badass Movie: Desperado (1995) |
Though he gets a lot of tough guy points for Desperado, he looses a lot of originality points for fucking Madonna. He probably fucked Angelina Jolee, but that's just evens out to zero points because she sucks, Tomb Raider sucks, and Lara Croft hella sucks. He does make up a few points for fucking Jennifer Lopez on screen, and having the good sense to keep his giantsize Spanish pinata out of frame, but all in all, even considering the considerable badassness of his guitar case full of guns, I'd call him a borderline bitch boy. I bet Cathrine Zeta Jones didn't even look at him on the Zorro set, at least not the way she would have looked at me. |
|
Name: Brad Pitt Codename: Tyler Durden (1) Ultimate Badass Movie: Fight Club (1999) |
Speaking of borderline bitch boys, Brad Pitt's a tough one to pin down. I mean, if it wasn't mandatory to have your balls removed to be in Thelma and Louise, his sack still wouldn't have made it out of Interview with a Vampire alive. He does kick some pretty good ass when he feels like it, though, and if it wasn't for Samuel L. Jackson, he'd probably be the toughest American on the team. |
|
Name: Keanu Reeves Codename: Ted Theodore Logan Ultimate Badass Movie: Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey (1991) |
I don't care about Speed or the Fucking Matrix, Keanu Reeves could only benifit this team if the Nazis somehow built a time machine and the only thing they used it for was going into the future, watching Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey, and then coming right home. Then, they might confuse Keanu "What?" Reeves with Good Robot Ted, who might scare them a little bit, possibly causing them to make a mistake in combat. |
|
Name: Edward Norton Codename: Tyler Durden (2) Ultimate Badass Movie: Fight Club (1999) |
As we all learned in Fight Club, Edward Norton is a deceptive badass. Inside that Woody-from-Toy-Story frame lurks an insane, Jordan-Cattelano's-face-destroying Ultimate Badass version of Brad Pitt. Though he also has Nazi Experience (American History X), those were NeoNazis, who are generally skinny guys in dark clothes with silly tatoos on their shaved, misshapen heads, who make Ernest P. Wohrl look sophisticated and my little sister's Mariah! fanclub look tough. Except for the ones who look like they ate their trailer-park. Those guys are pretty tough. |
|
Name: Harrison Ford Codename: Indiana Jones Ultimate Badass Movie: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom |
Harrison Ford does have actual Nazi experience, though not much in the ass-kicking department, but that should still be enough to qualify him for the team's Old Man position. He does have a troubling lack of badass credits though (Star Wars uber-fans note: shut up) maybe if he spent a little less time running around in "thrillers" (Thriller= ActionMovie- CoolLines- GoodFightScenes+ 0AddedIntelligence) and trying to be the "thinking man's Clint Eastwood", he'd be less of a total pecker and more of a viable Dirty Dozen choice. He'd get the same respect for his mediocre acting either way. (Note- that was the catiest thing ever said about an actor by a straight guy.) |