|
Name: Jet Li Codename: Tsui Ultimate Badass Movie: Black Mask (1996) |
Okay, Jet Li kicks ass. His contribution to the team would be mostly in the area of ass kicking. He would probably accomplish this by making a kicking motion with his leg, culminating in his foot hitting someone's ass, and this ass-foot proceedure would be repeated again and again. It would be like a singles cruise, except instead of one swav, debonaire man meeting tons of women, the swav, debonaire foot of Jet Li would meet tons of asses. Ass ass ass. Ass ass ass ass ass. Ass. Kicking ass. |
|
Name: George Clooney Codename: Seth Gecko Ultimate Badass Movie: From Dusk Till Dawn (1996) |
George Clooney's main advantage would be the same as a small autistic child's or Cindi Loo Hoo's main advantage. He is so weak and helpless that his impotence might be able to melt even the coldest Nazi hearts, causing the owners of the Nazi hearts to be unable to torture him before they kill him. |
|
Name: Samuel L. Jackson Codename: Shaft Ultimate Badass Movie: Shaft (2000) |
As Lao Tzu said, "to really win a war, you need more than just ass-kicking, you also need total humiliation." I'm paraphrazing, kind of like those guys who made The Art of War were paraphrazing when they turned a philosophy book into a gay-rights action movie, but that's basically what Lao Tzu meant. Samuel L. Jackson has proven that not only can he dish out the ass kickings, he can give the L.D. to every single Nazi soldier's wife when they aren't home. |
|
Name: Zhang Zi Yi Codename: Xiou Long Ultimate Badass Movie: Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon (2000) |
True, it might be a little unbelievable to have a woman fighting in WWII, but I figure when the Dirty Dozen is training, she can just sneak in and kick the shit out of Keanu Reeves, Steven Segal, and George Cloony all at the same time. Then the Sgt. Slaughter-esqu drill sgt. can come over and say something like, "Young lady! It seems you like to kick ass! You put the hurt on those pussies! But what will you do when faced with the raging Nazi hordes!? Menstrate?! That was a joke, soldier! Get on the first plane to Germany sister! You're going to war!" |
|
Name:Beat Takeshi Codename: Yamamoto Ultimate Badass Movie: Brother (2000) |
What this team is going to need more than anything else is a guy like Takeshi, who can just shut the fuck up every now and then. True, most of these guys will find it hard to run at the mouth with a throat full of Nazi dick, but a little silent dignity never hurt anybody. Take a note, Clooney. |
|
Name: Kenny McCormack Codename: Kenny Ultimate Badass Movie: South Park: Bigger, Longer, Uncut (1999) |
Considering that half of this team will be lucky to survive the plane trip to Germany, they'll need Kenny just so they know that one guy will wake up every morning to fight. He may be as ineffective in combat as Keanu Reeves penis in a bedroom, but maybe his nack for attracting bad luck will divert some of the catastrophy god will certainly be aiming at some of the other members of this team (Segal). |