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Name: Clint Eastwood
Codename: Dirty Harry
Ultimate Badass Movie: Magnum Force (1973) |
Dirty Harry doesn't even need to fight to kick Nazi ass, which is good because he's almost the oldest guy on the team. All he has to do is stand there and talk. When he says "Go ahead, make my day", boom, three Nazis go down. And "Do you feel lucky punk?", shit, I don't think there were enough Nazis to survive that. |
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Name: Jackie Chan
Codename: Kevin Chan
Ultimate Badass Movie: Jackie Chan's Police Story (1985) |
I don't think there were any ninja-type badasses in the original Dirty Dozen, but that's just one reason why that was the Dirty Dozen and this is the Ultimate Diry Dozen. Jackie Chan (Asian), along with Mr. T (Black), T-800 (Robot), Dolph Lundgren (Half-Alien, Fag), and Charles Bronson (?) make this the most diverse team ever assembled to kick Nazi-ass. And isn't that suppose to be what WWII was all about? |
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Name: Sylvester Stallone
Codename: John Rambo
Ultimate Badass Movie: Rambo: First Blood Part II (1985) |
The thing about Rambo is, he really is my worst nightmare. It's as though Hollywood owns a direct pipeline to my innermost fears and disires. It's why Rambo makes me pee on my bed whenever I watch it, and how they knew putting Thora Birch's tits in American Beauty would cause a similar response. |
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Name: Mel Gibson
Codename: Max Rocketansky
Ultimate Badass Movie: Mad Max (1979) |
If supply-lines to the team ever got cut off, they'd need the Road Warrior. Who else can survive, MacGuyver-but-not-a-stinky-vagina-style, out in the wilderness with nothing but an empty gun and a few scraps of rusty metal? Only Mad Max is tested for that kind of situation.
Plus, according to my research, which entails having seen each of the Mad Max movies literally dozens of times each, children love Mad Max. He can hardly leave the house without a scrappy cub scout, or even an entire civilization of them, following him around and doing whatever he says, and he's not affraid to endanger them wrecklessly to get the job accomplished. Using the Nazi's children against them: the wave of the future for wars of the past. |
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Name: Arnold Schwarzenegger
Codename: T-800
Ultimate Badass Movie: The Terminator (1984) |
If the governments of Britain and the United States had just fucking listened to me back in about 1937, World War Two would have lasted for about an afternoon. I told them, just import some robot killing machines from the post-apocalyptic Future Earth. But they were just all like Blah blah blah, bueracratic bullshit, blah blah blah, Senate Budget Commitee this, Parliment of Funk Commitee-X that, blah blah blah. All those lives... all those lives... way to go fuckers. |
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Name: Dolph Lundgren
Codename: He-Man, Master of the Universe
Ultimate Badass Movie (or next best thing): Masters of the Universe (1987) |
Every team needs a pussy, and Dolph Lundgren is nothing. If not a pussy. The advantage of the pussy is, at the end of the movie, he teaches us that war, though heroic and glorifying, is also bad. When the eleven surviving members of the team return home, one of them can say, "Well, we all made it back okay." And then another one can say "No, not all of us." And everyone can just look around the room, silently contemplating the fragility of human life. For about three seconds before the triumphant homecoming scene.
To be honest, Dolph was pretty cool in Rocky IV, but I decided not to allow the Rocky IV version of him on account of the fact that he was Russian, and I think maybe the Russians were bad guys at some point during that war. I'm not really sure, because in high school, "History Class" came right between "Drinking in the Parking Lot Class" and "Falling Asleep Wherever I Happened to be Sitting Class," and sometimes that second class started a little early. |
