Bonus Rules: If you are some kind of inhuman demon, plagued with a curse of no flesh by the first soverign emperor of China and you want to really destroy any organs that might still be functioning in your body, here are a couple extra rules to help you out, you sick fuck.
The Hamlet Speech
To be or not to be: that is the question; Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a see of troubles,
And by opposing end them?
To die: to sleep; no more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks,
Oh Rue! Rue! Let me call you Blanche baby! Give it to me as you like it bitch! Yes! Yes! Yes!
The Jack Burton Speech
You just listen to the old Pork Chop Express and take his advice on a dark and stormy night when some wild-eyed eight foot tall maniac grabs your neck, taps the back of your favorite head up against a bar room wall, looks you crooked in the eye and he asks you if you've paid your dues, you just stare that big sucker in the eye and remember what ol' Jack Burton always says. 'Have you paid your dues, Jack?'
'Yes sir the check is in the mail.'
Also there's a character named "Gracie Law". Guess what she's does for a living! If you guessed "she just wastes a little time on screen and makes the plot confusing, especially when you watch it drunk, for a living", you'd be right. If you guessed "lawyer", you'd also be right, but much less psychic. She's a lawyer played by Sexy Sex in the City "hottie"... Kim Cattrail! You have to remember when watching this movie that it came out in the 80's. Had it been in the 70's, Gracie's only job in the movie would be to hint that after this madness is all over she might like to give Jack a few blowjobs. If it was the 90's, there'd be a scene where Jack's in trouble and she jumps to his rescue. But it was the 80's, which was sort of a transitional period in Damsell in Distress Lib, so the character has to kind of seem like she might be capable of helping out the men characters, but isn't allowed to actually kick ass. Also, if it had been the 70's, she'd have showed her tits. Unfortunately, they made tit shots illegal in the 90's.
Another interesting feature built-in to the movie is Jack Burton's penchant for speech-making. He makes these orations into his CB while he drives and he says totally, totally unforgivably badass things like, It's like I told my last wife, I says: Honey, I never drive faster than I can see and besides that, it's all in the reflexes." ROCK! So anyway, I was doing a little "fact-checking" for this "review" the "other day", and I found out that an English proffesor by the name of Dr. Byron J. Williams has recently advanced a theory that perhaps a certain one of Jack's speeches (see below) might be better than the world famous "To Be or Not to Be" speech from Shakespeare's Hamlet. According to the proffesor's theory, the Jack Burton speech, or the "The Check is in the Mail" speech, is the most hardcore thing ever said in English, and therefore, it must be the best thing ever said in English. And actually, at an international level, it comes in second only to "Chen shigo, yo-urigantzu," which, when translated from Japanese, means, "I left my heart in the rice fields, in the mouth of my fallen enemy, and I hold in my bloody hands, his heart. Now, I die a man."
Below are each of the speeches, followed by my comments on each. You can decide for yourself which is the best.
Pros- It doesn't sound as dorky as the lyrics to the Saved by the Bell theme song, and being able to quote it freely is the only way to gaurantee that your ninth grade advanced placement English teacher will fuck you.
Cons- There is no better way to gaurantee yourself an ass beating from your glue-sniffing devient classmates than trying to fuck your English teacher, no matter how much she looks like Rue McClanahan, you fucking pussey.
Pros- It's probably the coolest thing anyone has ever said before, and it's educational. Next time an eight foot tall maniac, or a collection agency, or the mob does anything to your "favorite head" you know you can just do what old Jack Burton does at a time like that.
Cons- Probably won't do much to get you laid except with actual truckers or people who write fan-fiction. And if you want to fuck any of them, nine out of ten times having genitals is the only real requirement.