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Now, I've got nothing against criminals. Just imagine all the positive things that this world would lack without all of their wonderful crimes, such as theft insurance, radar scramblers, and bathtub gin. But as much as I'm in favor of supporting the inalienable rights of criminals to steal from me, I've got to say that they're going about their business all wrong. If there's one thing movies like Dirty Harry, Boondock Saints, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movie have taught me, it's that a good 65-75% of the population of America is crooks. There's only 300 million people here all together, and Dick Tracy alone had at least half that many criminal enemies, and that was back in the 30's (or 20's or 40's or whichever "Fedora hat" decade Dick Tracy was in), imagine how many more there must be today. So rather than going out there and actually breaking the law, risking no end of punishment from vigilantes and maverick cops, playing by their own rules like Dirty Harry, criminals out to just use their majority and vote to legalize crime. Then, when they were stepping over the bloody corpses of the Girl Scouts they'd just murdered to load their all-black van with TVs and stereos, they'd be the good guys. The reason criminals will never do this, I suspect, is giant, novelty-size sex-organ related. Every time Dirty Harry blows one of these guys legs open with his .44 Magnum, after reminding them that the .44 Magnum is "the most powerful handgun on Earth", and then sticking his cowboy boot directly into the wound in order to torture information out of them, they always seem completely fucking shocked. They seem amazed at the possibility that their "walk out of bank in broad daylight with guns and bags of stolen money" plot didn't pan out as easily as they'd originally thought. Didn't they realize that a cop, and probably a total hardass cop who can't be held down by precinct bueracracy or protecting the mayor's precious image, would be in the diner across the street, armed with a tasty hotdog and a nine-inch cannon? Had they never seen a movie before? Face it, crime, your only hope is not the giant grey roach motel you call a brain, but our fore-fathers fatal flaw of not predicting that one day the majority of the people in the nation would all be junkies, pimps, and kung-fu gangsters banished from Hong-Kong. I realize that it might not be fair to criminals that the streets are crawling with One-Man-Armies like Dirty Harry and Jack Burton. How can they compete with guys so obsessive that they spend every moment they aren't actively fighting crime thinking up catchy new phrases to aid them in later crime fighting? Guys like Dirty Harry are single-minded. He just wants to kick your ass all day, and he's only going to get sidetracked when another ass, such as the target-branded ass of a hostage, comes between him and you. Then, as soon as he's shot the hostage, his whole life is just about knocking you around again. For him, using his foot to examine the prostate of crime is an end. It's all he desires. Crime itself is a means. Crimials do crime to get money, or sometimes some bizarre, fame-like thing. They get sidetracked by things like strippers, coke, and especially strippers. In other words, criminals have things to do besides work every second of every day. Obsessive nerds like Dirty Harry don't. Therefore, criminals are going to have to either put a lid on their giant, Brut scented balls and fight back with democracy, or give up their lifestyle of getting everything they want using money they stole, which kind of defeats the purpose. It would be like a plumber giving up on smelling like shit all the time or a barber shaving his head; it would be wasting the perks of the job. Now, I don't want to get preachy here, but it's the only way I'll ever be able to sell this article to MTV for a ROCK THE VOTE Special (Today on MTV, voting kicks ass! Just like Johnny Knoxville! And girls! Especially if you're a criminal!). Look here, crooks, until you're willing to put away your hyper-sexualized hand-cannons and glistening, perfectly-shaped crack rocks, and ROCK THE VOTE, you're doomed to be overtaken at every turn by geeky, maladjusted "heroes" (granted, geeks that now how to kick untold amounts of ass) like Dirty Harry. So think smart, and stay in school. Also, reading is good for you. And follow your dreams, wherever they may lead. 
Well, this review didn't touch on the actual movie Dirty Harry too much, but that shouldn't be construed as a signal that I don't like the film. To prove this to you, below is an example of how I spent those long, early spring study-hall periods in high school. |
 The Official (not affiliated in any way with Dirty Harry or Warner Bros. Studios) Dirty Harry Drinking Game Listen punk, when you watch Dirty Harry, you'd best take a drink when... Dirty Harry shows no respect for authority Dirty Harry wears his sunglasses at night or indoors Dirty Harry says something badass, and by the way, this is the kind of movie where I shouldn't have to give you examples of badass lines, because they'll shove themselves down your throat and tickle your pipes without my help Someone uses some authentic sounding Cop Talk As always, whenever there's some titties, double your drinking if Dirty Harry is spying on the titties Whenever anyone says Dirty Harry's name, or his full name (Harry Callahan or Inspecter Callahan), especially if it happens during a discussion of why he's called Dirty Harry Whenever Dirty Harry completes a mission, including whenever he makes it to a phone booth in time during the ransom delivery When Dirty Harry asks a crook if he feels lucky, that equals many, many, many drinks. (Can you tell I just played this game?) There's only one sure way to stomp out racism, and that's alcohol abuse. Drink whenever anyone makes a racist comment or uses a racial slur Whenever you find yourself saying, "Jesus, the guys who made Lethal Weapon sure liked this movie a lot.  Yes, this is just what it looks like: a screen shot of Dirty Harry riding on top of a school bus full of children, engaged in a gun fight with the bus driver. Those pussies in Speed thought they were hard for just shooting hostages. |
