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If ever a movie has truly captured the essense of fat humor, it's the Goonies. Producer Steven Spielberg weaves a tapestry of fat kid jokes with the skillful hand of a really, really decrepid looking but actually just thirty five year old Indian woman on Nova. What Jaws did for sharks, what E.T. did for really ugly midgets, Goonies does for the humiliation of one little fatass. A fatass I like to call, Chunk. Because that's his name. (By the way, here's a quick Chunk story my friend Ross told me: After Goonies came out, Jeff Cohen, the gifted child actor who so vividly portrayed walking lard, would come home from school, set up his lawn chair in the front yard, and wait for an imagined devoted legion of fans to come parading down the street seeking his autograph and the opportunity to bath in the light reflecting off of his breath-taking fblubber. I don't know if it ever really happened, but every night when I sacrifice one of my neighbors' pets to my tribal diety, I take a bite of it's still beating heart as I a pray for that story to be true.) Other than the decimation of one fat little bastard's ego, the movie has other things going for it. Such as Corey, Corey, COREY! Yes, Corey Feldman of Rock'n'Roll High School Forever fame stars as Mouth, the character named after the part of his body you most want to punch in the face during the film. Every single one of his overacted lines is almost as irritating as watching the flub migrating around under Chunk's flowered shirt, but less funny. But the hair... damn. It's his hair that makes it all worth while. Even as a young lad, that Corey Feldman had one fine head of hair. It's like a sexy nest of beavers sunning their full, shiny coats on his head. Ooo... damn. |
Goonies is the type of film that a single drinking game just can't do justice. So, with the help of my friend Holly, I've included TWO drinking games! Click on Happy Kitty to see them 
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 Legend has it that a mysterious stranger will come to our village in our time of desperation, and light our darkest hour. He will be small in stature and he'll never shut up, but we shall know him by the beauty of his hair.  Poor little fella, I hope he feels better soon. Oh yeah, and Mikey, what time is it down here? Is it... our time, or their time?  Brand smiles vacantly with his Goonies prize, a total dimwit. |
The main character is Mikey, the little asthmatic Goonie who could. Mikey's responsible for motivating the Goonies to go on a treasure seeking adventure to save their town from greedy developers or vampires or whatever.* The real importance of the Mikey character however is the fact that he gets all the really good lines, like "Up there it's their time [points up to the surface], their time. But down here it's our time, it's our time down here!" and "Don't say die, Goonies never say die." God bless his sweet little heart, I just want to gently push the bill of his baseball cap down over his eyes, rub his little head and say, "It's okay sport. We really can make our dreams come true, you know?" * (Note- the Goonies spend the movie searching for the lost treasure of a Spanish pirate named "One-Eyed Willy" -- in California. I hate to cast doubt on the amount of research Mr. Speilberg did for his story, but he must have just hired a couple of professional mouth-breathers to run down to the library and pee in the elevator until they became pirate experts, because Spanish pirates were all in the Caribean. The only way a Spanish pirate ship could get to the western shore of the US would be if the crew constructed flying robots to carry it from the Atlantic and over the fruited plains. Or I guess maybe they could make the boat fly with the power of their minds, but only if they really believed in themselves.) Mikey also has an older brother named Brand, though considering how much product placement there is in the movie I'm surprised his name isn't "Dominos - Gauranteed in Thirty Minutes or LessTM". Brand likes to work out, and most of his scenes have an "I'd rather be pumpin iron" subtext. For instance, whenever the main female character, Girl #1, is around, he seems to be subtely trying to tell her, "I want you to lay underneath me while I do push-ups." Then, in a scene of hilarity rivaled only by people re-telling Simpsons jokes they saw on reruns and internet homepage comedians, Girl #1 accidently makes out with Mikey! What a goober! I hope no one ever leaves their grandma with her unattended for five minutes, or takes her to the zoo. She doesn't ever realize it either. During the scene, you can actually almost see a thought balloon come out of her head that says "Doy!" |
