Here's one of the Goonies in some kind of cave. Notice the little helmet in the bottom left corner, that's to remind you that this game is retarded.
Here are the Goonies, and some guy, pretending to still be friends. Notice that all the males in the picture look like the kind of guys who's girlfriends are sixteen year old runaways, except for, miraculously, Chunk, who looks like he wants to make you an offer you can't refuse. Also, Girl #1's boobs want to kill you.
You and I are lucky to have been born in a time when we have the ability to see things as cool as this video. If this were the 30's, it would probably make your face peel off, just like driving thirty-five miles per hour or riding in a blimp that wasn't propelled by a combination of open flames and the world's most explosive gas.
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The sequel to Goonies, Goonies II, was a Nintendo game, rather than a feature film. Usually, Spielberg seems to have a pretty good business sense, but I tend to think that an actual theatrical sequel would have made more money than the zero dollars and negative seventy-five cents (cost of sodas for the programmers) that the game did. Like A Boy and His Blob, Goonies II let's you simulate the experience of being a helpless, unarmed seventh-grader facing off against an army of gun-toting adults in a series of non-descript warehouses and caverns. Unlike ABAHB however, which had the awesome gimmick of teaming you up with a jelly bean eating blob that could turn into a ladder or a little paper hat, GII had the comparitively lame gimmick of allowing you to play as a completely generic stack of pixels that you could pretend was either Cory Feldman or really fat.
They've been releasing DVDs with commentary tracks for a while now, and most of them tend to be pretty sucky. My Mad Max DVD, for example, features commentary from four guys who had so little to do with the movie that none of their names are actually listed anywhere on the box credits, except for in the part where it says the names of the people on the commentary. And my Big Trouble in Little China commentary track is just Kurt Russel and John Carpenter talking about how good Kurt's kid is at hockey. And I didn't even make that up. The kid must be a serious Mario LeMeaux-assed fucking hockey player, because these two geriatrics talk about his mad stick skillz for an hour and a half. What's up with thizz-at? Anyway, the Goonies commentary is a serious departure from the trend of DVD special features all being as shitty as a bucket left for three days in Sloth's cell. All of the original Goonies get together and watch the movie, and it seems as though some of them have never seen it before. To give you an idea of how much I recommend this DVD, I'll give you some highlights. At the beginning Corey Feldman says, "Hi, this is Corey Haim", and then later he makes a joke about his totally 80's drug habit. The lady who played Girl #2 says right in the middle of it, "We're really going to watch the whole thing, aren't we?" in the voice you might use to ask the man wearing the bear skull as a cod-piece with the whip, "We're really going to row the whole way there, aren't we?". And at one point, Sean Austin (Mikey), who's apparently too cool for school now that he's living the phat life off his Rudy checks, says he'll be right back, and then, in a barely unexpected act of humiliated self-loathing, he just gets the hell out of there and doesn't ever come back. I would recommend this DVD if it cause fifty dollars and a kick in the nuts from an angry steer.
Lastly, if there's one important feature of the DVD that must be touched upon, it's the fact that the Cindy Lauper video for "Goonies R Good Enough", is included. Now, I don't know if you remember this video, but it has a few guest stars. Such as "Captain" Lou "Mario" "Cindy Lauper's Dad" Albano, "Rowdy" Roddy Piper, the Iron Sheik, and... and... losing blood flow to head... guest star... too... cool... Andre... Andre the fucking GIANT! That's right, I bet you thought, "now that Andre the Giant is dead, I'll never again have the chance to witness him in a leotard and viking hat very slowly chasing the Iron Sheik down a public street in broad daylight, and I especially bet I'll never get to see all of that happen from behind," ooo well suck on this wuss, because now you can see it all in part 2 of the video on the DVD. Why are you still reading? Get your ass to Target* and buy this before the Pope makes it illegal for raping all our asses with it's unmitigated coolness and giant, Cyndi Lauper-sized dick!
* (Another sneaky Target plug is another 25 big fat cents in the bank. Capitalism Rocks!)
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