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People often say to me, "Tim, you really are a stupid cocksucker. Oh, and, by-the-way, you only seem to review movies that you actually like, why is that? I'm just kidding, I don't really care." And you know, until now, I never really had a good reply. You see, when it comes to art and entertainment, I'm a picky-ass little bitch. I hate 90% of the movies I watch, and 90% of the songs I hear, and 90% of what's on tv, and really just about 90% of the things people say to me. Is that a cynical, boring way to go through life? Well, it would be, except honestly, I don't need that many good movies or songs or whatever in my life. As long as there are things out there (and I'm talking about Road Warrior here), that are so hopelessly cool, so immortally awesome, and that so completely kick my ass time and time again, then I don't really need to think that Sum 41 doesn't suck so hard they're actually slowly pulling the Earth out of it's orbit. I don't need to like them, and every other boring shitty corportate punk/rap-metal band, because the few things I do like take up enough space to fill the void. So take that! Ooo it stings doesn't it? Gotcha bitch! Anyhow, as I said, Road Warrior is great. Watching it has a similar effect on my ass as having a little colony of nearly microscopic ass-beings, who have enormous steel-toed feet, living in my ass and from nine-to-five they're on the clock, performing the job of kicking my ass one-hundred times a second, with only a forty-five minute break for lunch and smoke break in the afternoon. Sometimes I have this nightmare where I leave the Road Warrior tape in the VCR, and over night my VCR sprouts a foot and comes looking for me to give my ass further punishing. But then I wake up, wipe the sweat from my forehead using whatever groupies happen to be surrounding me at the time, and say a little prayer, thanking the good lord (Don Adams) for bestowing the TNT network upon the world, so even if I must destroy my copy of Road Warrior to prevent it from killing me, I'll always be able to see the movie on TV three or four times a day. But enough about me. Road Warrior is the sequel to Mad Max, though I've seen sequels that actually took place on different planets that seemed less like they took place on different planets than Road Warrior and Mad Max. The planet Max lives on seems to be sinking towards hell at about 200mph. In the first movie, there's still a police force and things like "businesses" and "pockets of civilization", but in this movie, it's like all of Australia has, in just a couple years, become the floor at Dennys. The whole place is just dust, shit, and maniac drunks. The plot is pretty simple. Max is wandering around, he finds some people who have gasoline (which has become the world's most precious and rare commodity), and then he finds Jason Voohrees and a bunch of gutter-punks who are trying to steal the gas. Sides are chosen, lines are drawn, hearts are broken, and fingers are severed by boomerangs, and so on and so forth. In otherwords, if you ever have to take a test on the movie (and believe me the time for such testing is long overdue), you could write the entire plot on your hand, and still have room to write "Alien Ant Farm Rulz 4-Ever!!!", as I'm sure you're wont to do. So, with the plot out of the way, let's look at a breakdown of the characters from Road Warrior. |
As a big fan of Road Warrior and a big fan of drinking, it warms my heart to see that the two are finally combined. This isn't the most liver-intensive drinking game I've written, but I figure that that problem can be made up for either through the sheer power of this near-classic film, or through the sheer proof of classics like Smirnov 100 or Bacardi 151. As always, drink responsibly, though it seems pretty hard to believe that that's even possible. Take a drink whenever... a car is destroyed someone dies a grisly death (so if the grissly death occurs in a car wreck, that's two) you see gore (so if someone dies a grissly, gorey death in a car, that's three) Max humiliates the Gyro Captain someone says "walk away" the biker chick with no tits (Wez's girlfriend) is on screen (where are her tits?), and then an extra one when she dies the Feral Kid is a badass (and it's always badass to help out Max) it strikes you as completely ridiculous that Baby Spice ever shows any interst in the filthy, toothless Gyro Captain Max says something badass, such as: GYRO CAPTAIN: You gotta understand the basics of aerodynamics for something like this." MAX: Shut up. GYRO CAPTAIN: (chained to a tree root, as Max is leaving him) Wait! Set me free! We had a deal! MAX: (points shotgun at him) I reckon you got a bargain. |