Max	I sincerely hope that very little needs to be said about Max at this point. In fact, if your ADD-riddled ass hasn't pretty much picked up on Max's character by now, I don't want to contribute to the humiliation of my species anymore by further explaining him to you, just skip ahead to the next bio and try to keep from falling in a well.
Gyro	The Gyro Captain in Max's little bitch, but he somehow ends up with the only hot girl in the movie. I can only assume it's do to some kind of rampant, post-apocalyptic brain-damage disease. If you were ever for some reason swimming along in a river of shit, and he came swimming up next to you, you'd look at him and say "Eww, gross." That's how ugly The Gyro Captain is, and yet, he gets Baby Spice. Damn you Hollywood! You've created a world where even a pile of brown teeth and greasy hair is getting more than me.
Kid	Part boy, part monkey, all dirty. The Feral Kid is a little bundle of lice who runs around massacring people with a boomerang, and he's probably also the reason that a movie like this could never get made today. Now every kid in every movie has to be a little Haley-Joe Osmond clone who "knows how to act" and serves the plot in ways other than "just wasting people left and right".
Mick	Mick Jagger also stars in the movie, as the chief of the good tribe. At one point, Max punches him right in the mouth, giving us all the chance to live vicariously through him for a moment, and imagine we're knocking a pretty boy, millionair rockstar on his ass. Most of you people probably don't know what that feels like in real life, however, as Gavin Rossdale well knows, I do.
The Woman	The Warrior Woman (almost nobody in the post-apocalyptic future has a proper name) vividly acts out an allegory for the struggles of the Womyn's movement in the nineteenth and twentieth centuries. She rises through the ranks by a combination of talent and fucking the guy in charge, only to by run through with an arrow before she reaches the climax. She also never takes her boobs out of the sleeping bag she wears.
Baby Spice	Baby Spice takes care of the otherwise severe lack of hotness in the movie. Other than her the only women in the movie are Wez's manly girlfriend and The Warrior Woman, who, despite the scorching desert temperatures, has seen fit to dress like an Eskimo getting ready for deep-sea diving. So I'd like to thank the (probably) nameless actress who portrayed Baby Spice, for giving me, at a young age, a template against which I've measured all women since.
Wez	Wez is like the little toady in A Christmas Story. He's totally someone else's bitch, but that someone (The Humongous, Scott Farkus) is scary enough that no one fucks with him. So as soon as he's let loose from his master, he gets the shit beat out of him. Wez's main contribution to the film is in the area of fostering tolerance for diversity, by sporting a traditional Native American haircut. Go Braves!
Humongous	When I was a kid, there was a guy in my class who would eat anything, as long as it was in yogurt. At lunch peopled just give him all kinds of foods and trash and things, and he'd put them in the yogurt and eat it. It was the special talent that gained him poplularity. I don't know where he is now, but if he's got a huge upper body and a Jason mask, he's probably the Humongous.

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