ROCKY
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The ROCKY Drinking Game
General "Rocky" Movie Rules: Heavyweight Alcoholic Rule- Everytime the "Theme from Rocky" is played, drink. Heavyweight Alcoholic Rule- (for use when watching multiple movies in a row) Rocky has pets in some movies, but not in others. Also, he shouldn't fight in "Rocky II" because of his bad eye, but it's no big deal after that. His son's god damn name changes between the fourth and fifth movies. Anytime you notice a continuity error or anything weird like that, take a drink. Special Rules for "Rocky I" Some examples of lines you should drink for in "Rocky I"- Rocky: Yo, I ain't emotionally involved, Bob. Driver: Take her to the zoo, I hear retards like the zoo! Micky: It's like the guy says, "You're gonna eat lightning, and crap thunder"! Rocky: (at end) Adriaaaaaaan!!! Yo Adriaaan! |
Sometimes I feel like I missed out on some things by not being alive at all in the seventies, and I'm not talking about the ridiculous pants or the Kiss Army. I'm talking about a simpler time when people used racial slurs like "Jig", and every movie was about a low-life hoodlum, and every actor was trying to be Robert DeNiro. The only actor aping DeNiro today is DeNiro, and it's about the saddest thing ever. Sylvester Stallone, or as those of us in the entertainment industry like to call him, "Rambo", wrote this movie in three days when he was a nobody actor in commercials and porno, and wouldn't sell it to any studio unless they agreed to let him play the "Rocky" character. That's some Spanish Nuts right there. Does anyone do anything like that today? Yes. Ben "Fucking" Affleck and that little Leonardo DiCaprio-looking guy he hangs out with did it with "Good Will Hunting" a few years ago. Actors today have big cajones too, they just don't like to let it show. It seems like Hollywood tries to make Rocky-style movies really "smart" today too, usually by adding a lot of dialogue that they have specially written on a faraway island by people who've never heard another actual human being speak before. The original "Rocky" didn't have this problem, because only one character talks in the whole movie, and it's pretty much always to himself or to people who don't talk back to him. That's the kind of problem solving I like to see in movies. Can't think of anything good for a character to say? Then shut him up. Do anything but let one of these god damn Fetal Alcohol Syndrome afflicted script doctors take it and add "Gone With The Wind" dialogue like in "Ali". In the seventies, they made some movies about people who just shut the fuck up every once in a while, and I'm always a fan of people who aren't me shutting the fuck up. Of course, it's not like the seventies seem all that great. I don't care how trendy you're trying to be, it's almost impossible for a human being to listen to more than two Cheap Trick songs in a row without blood pouring out of his head like he's got the Ebola virus, and again, all the pants were ridiculous. Did anybody in the seventies ever put on pants that they could walk down the street in without feeling like maybe their fashion decisions were one of the factors that finally convinced god that it wasn't worth living anymore? I guess Rocky wears some pretty normal pants, but it's hard to notice anything about what he's wearing besides his badass black hat. I love movie symbolism, because it's not too hard to figure out after you watch a movie enough times, and then you get to feel really smart. When Rocky is a bad guy, he wears a black hat, then when he's a good guy he wears white trunks. Bam. It's just that easy. I've seen "Rocky" eight times, and this is the first time I've noticed that, and now I get to walk around all day feeling like a mix between Thomas Goddamn Edison and Gary Coleman- a total genius who's also like this pop-culture savant and an adorable midget from a long time ago to boot. Yeah, life is pretty sweet when you're kind of dumb and don't talk to very many different people in a day. It gives you the time and motivation to come up with as many ways as possible to compare yourself to Gary Coleman, and the desire to publish this information for the world. You don't even need to be provoked into doing it. You can just be sitting around, writing an essay about "Rocky", and then all of a sudden you realize, "Hey, Gary Coleman made an ass of himself when he was on 'Hollywood Squares', and I made an ass of myself the other day at work when I jammed the printer while trying to print out a giant picture of Thora Birch's left tit with the words "Tim Weinmann #1 Super Fun Fuck All Time, Go USA!" Photoshopped onto it, I'm just like Gary Coleman!" And then you just type it. You see, I'm not talking about "Rocky" all that much, because there's not much to say about the first movie in the "Rocky" series (though there's a lot to say about all of the other ones, especially "Rocky IV" with it's combination of a stupid fucking robot and stupid fucking Dolph "Stupid Fucking" Lundgren), because, though it's very good, it's just kind of a regular good movie. There's some characters, and they move around and do some things, and it's good, and then there's a great fight scene at the end, but it doesn't have something like say, Mr. T or a street brawl that I can really get into in a review. The movie doesn't ever go nuts like all the sequels do, so, though I recomend it highly (and I think people come to me to tell them what movies to watch, as my taste is obviously so good- I'm a lot like Gene Schalitt, except I don't look like Butthead in that episode where he and Beavis get beards by gluing hair to their faces), I can't offer much beyond that. "Rocky I" is kind of like a pit stop on the road to comedic potential that is the "Rocky" sequels, except it's a pitstop that comes at the very beginning, rendering it impotent and not even technically a "pit stop", rendering that analogy fairly impotent and not even technically an "analogy", rendering me virile and too manly to come up with well-thought-out analogies. Virile and manly... much like the legendary midget superstar and credit to little adorable badasses everywhere, Gary Coleman! |
"Hey Rocky, Mr. Rogers called, he wants his swearter back! HaHa!"- this joke submitted by a David Spade look-a-like I found drinking wine straight from the box on the street, who now that I think about it might have actually been David Spade.
A wise man once said that it's every dumbasses dream to make a joke about Rocky pounding his meat. I hope I never stoop so low. If I were a writer for "Win Ben Stein's Money", however, I might say that "whenever Rocky got tired of his old bag, he went off alone and pounded his meat." Some people get paid for that shit. |
