ROCKY II
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The ROCKY II Drinking Game
General "Rocky" Movie Rules: Heavyweight Alcoholic Rule- Everytime the "Theme from Rocky" is played, drink. Heavyweight Alcoholic Rule- (for use when watching multiple movies in a row) Rocky has pets in some movies, but not in others. Also, he shouldn't fight in "Rocky II" because of his bad eye, but it's no big deal after that. His son's god damn name changes between the fourth and fifth movies. Anytime you notice a continuity error or anything weird like that, take a drink. Special Rules for "Rocky II" Some examples of lines you should drink for in "Rocky II"- Apollo: Here it comes! (winds up, punches Rocky) Announcer: Everybody in the audience better be prepared for World War III! |
Rocky II is the love story Rocky movie. And that's all well and good, and it also establishes an important theme in the Rocky series. The theme that Rocky won't do shit until somebody dies (or at least practically dies). Rocky retires at least once in every movie, so in II, III, and IV, something has to happen to make him come back and fight, or rather, one certain thing has to happen. In this movie, it's Adrian. She goes to the hospital to squeeze out a larva, but since it's Rocky's kid it's such a little hardass that it beats the hell out of her on the way out, so she ends up in a coma. These kids today. Or back then. Or whatever. Fortunately this gives viewers the chance to experience what it's really like to sit in a hospital for almost forever waiting for a fictional charater to die, which is an experience most of us would never have had otherwise. Sure, everytime I go see a movie because a girl wants to see it, I'm usually waiting for at least one of the characters to die (usually the one played by James "Oh come on he's so obviously gay anyway" Van Der Beek) but that usually seems to be less an intentional part of the movie than it does in Rocky II. Really, only Sylvester Stallone has the kind of directorial balls necessary to drag an audience through every single second of a character's coma. To get an idea of what the coma scene is like, close your eyes, empty your mind, and just sit there contemplating death. I'll call you tomorrow when you can stop. The scene isn't completely without relief, however, as there's a part during it where Rocky reads a poem he wrote. I was going to type it up for this review, but it really loses something without the thick Itallion accent of a barely literate walking punching bag. As long as we're all already in an imagining mood though, I'll give you an idea of what the poem is like. Imagine you're on the Titanic. You're panicing. You think you're going to die. All the lifeboats are filling up all around you. People are falling off the ship, the sound of metal twisting against solid ice carries above even the most tortured screams of the other doomed passengers, and Martha Stewart kneals at the edge of the boat, calmly applying another layer of polish to a brass bannister. But then you find a life boat with one spot left. You feel a little joy as you hurry into your seat, still terrified, but hopeful. And then someone on the boat starts reading the poem. Someone else on the boat says that the guy is going to continue reading the poem until he reaches land. You get out of the life boat, climb back onto the Titanic, and ask Martha if she needs a hand. That is how bad the poem is. After the coma scene, though, everything gets back to normal and Rocky goes off to fight the big fight. While I was watching this movie the other day, an idea occured to me. Supposedly Sylvester Stallone might do another Rocky, and if he really is going to do that, I've got a set-up for it that he's free to use. Call the movie Rocky VI: Story of Rocky, or Rocky VI: Rocky-O. Rocky goes to jail after killing the punks that murdered his girlfriend, and he has to fight, Megaman style, through a series of evil, martial arts-using bosses, until his final confrontation with the evil warden who, much like Dr. Wiley, may be more of a monster than he appears to be. This movie would use a few more "special effects", than the last movies. Mostly the filmakers would need to buy lots of pasta to represent the guts Rocky would be pulling out of people after he punched them, and also ceramic mannequin heads, to represent the exploding heads of people Rocky punched. And someone would have to get a few nails shoved into his face, but it could still kind of follow the format of the other Rocky movies. Adrian would die, and that's a pretty typical Rocky thing to have happen. And at the end, during the meatgrinder explosion scene, it would be totally awesome to have that Rocky Theme playing. Du-Du-Duuuuuu (SSSHHKKKKSSSHHHKKK "AAAAHHH OH MY GOD!!!" SSHHKKK) Du-Du-Duuuuuu. Plus if Sylvester Stallone was dubbed, like in Story of Ricky, it might be possible to understand what he was saying. Like when they dubbed Schwarzenegger for Hercules in New York (aka Hercules Goes Bananas). |
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