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Seven Samurai is a legitimate peice of classic filmaking. So what is it doing here next to a bunch of Kurt Russel movies? Well you see, Seven Samurai is a legitimate peice of badass cinema history. And I should know- I volunteered after school at the Badass Cinema History Preservation Society until they kicked me out... oh, wait, nevermind, that was actually just a Men's Warehouse, and I wasn't "volunteering" there so much as I was "exposing myself to little kids". Let's just forget I brought it up. Anyway, Seven Samurai is the story of a bunch of farmers who hire, count em, Seven, samurai warriors to defend their village from a band of forty bandits, using only the latest in 17th century ass-kicking technology. It was made in 1954, but luckily the soundtrack avoids the cliche disco music so prevelent in that decade and instead features a soundtrack comprised almost entirely of some weird saxophone-sounding thing and chanting. It's also long (two video tapes), in black and white, and subtitled (though a dubbed version may exist), but comparisons to Schindler's List end there. Most of the movie involves super-hardcore samurai action broken up by sight gags and grown men weeping randomly. I can only assume that film critics like this movie because of all the weeping men (crybabies=tasteful and thought-provocing), because the movie is actually good. And I don't mean that it's "morons will be impressed if I say I like this movie" good, but really, really, "critics should probably hate this movie" good. Now, later on tonight, when you're out at a posh dinner party trying out some of your favorite Oscar Wilde anecdotes on a room full of sophisticates and maiden heiresses, and the conversation inevitably shifts to the things yall read on the Foxy Mouse today, some laudmouth teddy boy will no doubt complain that "if the movie is so good, how am I supposed to fully enjoy it while heavily drinking? Bad show, bad show!" Well ho, ho, ho, old chumsy, because I've already got that problem well in hand. You see, Seven Samurai, like Godfather I, and Rocky, has been ripped off so many times by other film-makers, that you've practically seen the whole thing already. Even if your vision becomes too blurry to tell what the subtitles say or even whether you're in the same room as the TV, you should have no trouble following along with the story provided you've seen a movie before, or even as long as you're familiar with the idea of a story being told with "motion pictures". It's like taking a test, but you've got all the answeres written on your shoes, Mike Seaver. Now, as far as my criticisms of this movie go, I'm not one of those guys who says that the Japanese all look exactly the same. But the Japanese do all speak exactly the same. I have no idea what any of the characters are named, because I couldn't tell who was speaking when their names were used. Fortunately for you, I've taken steps to ease the character-name association probleb for you readers. On the left is a chart containing pictures of the action figure versions of each samurai (plus bonus Yoda head!) and a little nickname I gave him that you can use at home to better follow along with the film. (See the sidebar on this page for Megaman graphic copyright information). And that about does it for this review. Go out, rent this movie, and enjoy the wonderful possibilities of alcoholism it will produce. |
The Seven Samurai Seven Rule Drinking Game #1 - When a man is crying, it is ancient Japanese custom to drink his tears [that's probably not true- ed], simulate this at home by taking a drink of booze. #2 - When the subtitles inform you that a character just said "sheeyit", yell "Oh sheeyit!" and take a drink. #3 - When a samurai is added to the team, take a drink. #4 - When a samurai is subtracted from the team, take a sad drink. #5 - When Crazy Spice begins chugging the saki, shout "Crazy Spice is a mad muthafucka!" and chug with him. #6 - When they kill a bandit (and remember, there are forty bandits) take a drink. NOTE- if you think that this rule may become the last thing you ever attempt before beginning a new life as a vegetable, only drink when a bandit suffers a particularly graphic death, and (if you live in an area where it makes a difference) play this game with grocery store light beer. #7 - The old stand-by rule- when a character says something totally badass, take a drink, although you may become too drunk to read before the movie's over. In that case, drink when you suspect that a character might have said something badass. 
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