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This is the companion piece to the Clarissa Explains: Date Rape special report. Why don't they run these kind of ads in comics anymore? I mean, sure Tobacco Is Wacko! if you're a teenTM, but is that message really as important as the Power Pack's tips on not getting raped? That's probably why superheroes stopped doing this public service work in favor of hawking milk. Spider-man was instrumental in saving our entire solar system from destruction at the hands of Thanos. At some point, stopping a purse snatcher probably starts to seem a little beneath him, let alone keeping those three eighth graders from bumming cigarettes off me every day. But back in 1985, super-heroes weren't yet jaded enough to forsake needy kids, even super-heroes as powerful, in-demand, and utterly not stupid as the Power Pack carved a little time out of their busy schedual of not being real super-heroes all day to spend a few minutes giving future generations a little something to laugh at. And they stopped a lot of rapes or something too. Aside from the obvious value of a corny 1980's comic book ad telling kids how to not get raped using the vaguest possible language, ("If someone tries to touch you in ways that don't feel good or seem right..."- what, like rubbing sandpaper on my forehead?), I put this ad here to prove a point. The point is: Spider-man is the closest thing we have to Jesus anymore, and it's time we started worshipping him. See below. |
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Above: The Power Pack doesn't even need to do PSA's, their existance is a big PSA. From left to right: Leper Lad- his neck and arms may be turning to scales and falling off, but he can still kick butt! His crippled companion, Legs Longstocking- She may not be able to walk or fight or even dress herself in the morning, but her hair is so crazy! The Fuscia Dyke- She spreads her rainbow of understanding across the land, but the real source of her power comes from her chest-emblem, which draws on the full force of lesbian empowerment all over the world, but watch out for Lo-Pan with those green eyes! Dead Kid- This kid died while walking down the railroad tracks listening to his new portable Walk-Man, but his spirit lives on forever like Yoda! Use the force, Dead Kid! Click here to go back to the Date Rape Article |
Spider-man keeps the villains out, but my giant inflatable Jesus with the "O" mouth has yet to turn anything into wine, even when I really needed it. The true Savior? |
I made this using a Carl's Jr. toy and a dog whistle my ex-girlfriend brought me from Mexico (the cross was made by a blind lady!), and, when I'm not wearing it attached to my belt, I keep it hanging on the wall, and it has so far kept my home safe from villainy. So far not once has Doctor Octopuss, Green Goblin, or the Spider-Slayer stepped foot in my apartment. The "Shocker" is here all the time but I'm not gonna go there! (buh-dum-cha!) |
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Random Golden Girls Quote Machine: |
The Secret Page Companion to the Golden Girls Comic.
Here's a Random Quote Machine that dispenses valuable nuggets of humor from the Golden Girls TV Show. I got the quotes from the amazing Ultimate Golden Girls site. Go there to check out tons of pictures and even more quotes, learn fun facts, and play the "St. Olaf Game". Bone up on trivia and then challenge your friends with the Trivia Game, and when you beat their asses, grab their face and rub it on your groin and say, "Oh, who knows Rue? Who knows Bea? You like that? Huh? Do you like it?" That's what I did, and my friends tell me they've never respected me so much before. Then they go into their bedroom, slam the door, and stay their until I let myself out. |