***************************************************

THE BEER AND ICE CREAM DIET
(Also called Thermodynamics to the Rescue)


As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree
centigrade.  Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you
eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part),
the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body
temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories
out of the only available source: your body fat.

For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C
(32.2 degree.  F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body
temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F).  For each gram of dessert
eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above.
The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams.

Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories
(1 cal/gm/deg. x37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the
dessert's temperature is normalized.

Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie
loss is approximately 5,000 calories.

Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat, the better off you are and
the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.

This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in
frosted glasses.  Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but
extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the
temperature normalizing process.  Thus, the net calorie loss per ounce
of beer is 1,020 calories.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories
(12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process
of drinking a can of beer.

Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it
takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an
additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature.  The
results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.

Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer,
pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature)
induces an opposite effect.

But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned,
the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow
up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.

*********************************************************

Lil' Johnnie

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asks, "Johnnie! What is your problem?!"
Johnnie says, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister's in
the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be
in the third grade!"

The teacher had had enough. As a result, she took Johnnie to
the principal's office and explained Johnnie's request.

While Johnnie waited in the outer office, the teacher explained
the situation to the principal. The principal told Johnnie's
teacher that he would give the boy a test and if Johnnie failed to
answer any of the special questions he was to go back to the
first grade and behave.

The teacher agreed. Johnnie was brought into the room. The
principal told Johnnie his terms and Johnnie agreed.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Johnnie: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Johnnie: "36"

Principal: "What is 9 x 9?"

Johnnie: "81"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third
grader should know. Johnnie appeared to have a strong case.
The principal looked at the teacher and told her, "I think
Johnnie can go on to the third grade."

The teacher, knowing Little Johnnie's tendency toward sexual
wisecracks, said to the principal, "Let *me* ask him some
questions before we make that decision?"

The principal and Johnnie both agreed, Johnnie with a sly look
on his face.

The teacher began by asking, "What does a cow have 4 of that
I have only 2 of?"

Johnnie: "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not
have?"

The principal's eyes open wide! Before he could stop Johnnie 's
expected answer, Johnnie said, "Pockets."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "I
think we should put Johnnie in the fifth grade. I missed the last
two questions myself!"

**************************************************************

What Men Know!!

Men know that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac
is still a naked woman.
-- Men know that PMS is Mother Nature's way
of telling you to get out of the house.
-- Men know that if she looks like your mother, run!
-- Men know that there are at least three sides
to every story: his, hers, and the truth.
-- Men know never to run away from a fight
that you know you can win.
-- Men know that cats are evil and cannot be trusted.
-- Men know how to change the toilet paper,
but to do so would ruin the game.
-- Men know exactly how much gas is left in the tank
and how far that gas will get them.
-- Men know that from time to time, it is absolutely
necessary to adjust oneself.
-- Men know that a woman will wear a low-cut dress
and expect the man to stare at her cleavage.
Men also know that the woman will get ticked off
when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.
-- Men know that the reason men don't like cats is
because they don't know how to cook them.
-- Men know that there is no such thing as a sure thing,
unless her name is Bambi...
-- Men know that it's never a good idea to tell
your father-in-law how good his daughter is in bed.
-- Men know that men are from here,
and women are from way the hell over there.
******************************************************

The Cowboy.............

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy named "Clint", and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The
chief says to Clint, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days.
On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?" Clint says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get
his horse. Clint grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse
takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into
the teepee with Clint. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing." The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?" Clint says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. Clint leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the Clint. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing." The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?" Clint says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse.
Clint grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"

"25 Rules for Women"
In response to the popular "Women's 50 Rules for Men",
"Man's 25 Rules for Women":
1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
3. Don't make us guess.
4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."
7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
8. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
9. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.
11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
12. You have enough clothes.
13. You have too many shoes.
14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
15. Your brother is an idiot.
16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries.
18. Share the bathroom.
19. Share the closet.
20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Nothing says 'I love you' like a quickie in the morning.
23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
24. Check your oil.
25. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

Da Prez..............................

President Clinton was on his daily jog with the secret service agents. After the run, they all hit the showers.
President Clinton took off his sweat shirt and there were a pair of womens panties on his chest.
The newest secret service agent, pulled the President aside and said, "Sir, I do not wish to embarass you, however, you
have a pair of womens panties on your chest!"
The President said, " That's okay, don't worry, that's my patch, I am trying to give them up!"

Top Ten Amish Spring Break Activities

10. Drink molasses 'til you heave.
9. Wet bonnet contest.
8. Stuff as many guys as you can into a buggy.
7. Buttermilk kegger.
6. Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really bitchin' Clydesdale.
5. Get a tattoo: "Born to raise barns."
4. Cruise streets of Belleville shouting insults at people with zippers.
3. Sleep 'til 6 a.m.
2. Drive over to Allensville and kick some Mennonite butt.
1. Churn butter nekked.

The Rest home................................

Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loves to charge
around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up
to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman is a
sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerate her, and
some actually join in.
One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and a
man stepped out with his arm outstretched.
"STOP!" he said in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?".
Ethel fished around in her handbag on her lap and pulled out a
Kit-Kat wrapper which she held up to him. "OK" he said and she went on her way.
Taking the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, another man
stepped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got a valid
tax disc for your vehicle madam?" Ethel dug into her handbag again
and pulled out a beer-mat which she held up to him and he allowed
her to carry on.
Going down the final corridor before the front door, a third man
stepped out in front of her. This one was stark naked and was
holding a sizable erection in his hand.
"Oh no", said Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer again!"

The State of the Union Address..that President Clinton Wanted To Give...................

"Members of Congress...people of America....I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention.
The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy. Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary...I do. If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President. So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files,
smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good.
Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time resident of some place called "Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into the White House.
Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with. There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% primeinterestrate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in. Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of 'plausible deniability, and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for
his crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to
American society was Agent Orange. And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for "beaver-wrestling" shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House. Which brings me back to my point.
Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night-watchman. And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell "Internet" has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from.
Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my pecker showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter...unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where I'm parking the Presidential limousine.
**************************************************************
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Alabama edition of windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Alabama.
If you have one of the Alabama editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The Alabama edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen.
It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of the General Lee
super imposed on a Confederate flag.
It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver.
Also note the Recycle Bin is labelled Outhouse, My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption, Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys,
Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard, Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive, and floppies are them little ole plactic disc thangs.
Other features:
Instead of a error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.

OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = awa shoot
yes = shore
no = Naaaa
find = hunt-fer it
go to = over yonder
back = back yonder
help = hep me out here
stop = ternit off
start = crank it up
settings = sittins
programs = stuff at does stuff
documents = stuff I done done

Also note that winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to winders 98
tiperiter...........A word processor
colering book.......a graphics program
addin mershene......calculator
outhouse paper .....notepad
jupe-box ...........CD Player
iner-net............Microsoft Explorer
pichers.............A graphics viewer
IRS.................M/S accounting software
IRS2................M/S accounting software with hidden files
coon dog............American kennel club records
fishin..............Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records.
NRA.................National Rifle Association
shot gun ...........Remington Arms price list
riffel..............Winchester price list
pisstel.............Smith & Wesson price list
truck...............Ford &Chevrolet dealers in Alabama. by zip code
house...............Nearest Mobile home repair service by zip code
car ................same as truck just need two list in Alabami
cuzzins.............family history usually a 3 meg file
tax records.........usually an empty file
shells..............ammunition inventory another 3 meg file
bud.................list of Budwiser dealers by zip code
rasin...............NASCAR racing schedule includes list of TV stations that carry the race car n truck Parts...nearest Junk yard by zip code
doc ................veterinarians by zip code

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a
copy of the Alabama edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a
replacement version.

*****************************************************************

beer me diet


It seems that a lot of people are dieting recently, trying everything
from an all-carbohydrate to an all-protein mix. I have another
suggestion, one that has worked through the ages: the "Beer-Me" diet.

Personally, I have a "liquid dinner" every time I go to the club on
Friday night!

FACT: A light beer has between 70 and 100 calories, is almost all
water, and the part that isn't water is almost pure carbohydrates.

FACT: The average diet recommends a daily caloric intake of 1,200
calories for women, 1,500 for men, if you want to lose the medically
safe two to three pounds a week. On the "Beer-Me" diet, that equates
to at least 12 beverages a day for women, and 15 for men. A measurable
goal.

FACT: The alcohol in beer is a diuretic, which causes the water to
flush out almost immediately, leading to a consistent workout regimen
including deep knee bends (getting out of the chair), fast walking
(very good for your heart) and squats (as the case may be).

FACT: Drinking beer actually helps you sleep- even when you aren't
necessarily tired. All that added rest is certain to help any problems
you may have experienced in sleep deprivation, counting calories on
those other fad diets.

In addition, you may experience the occasional "How did I get here?"
when you wake up, which always makes for lively conversation, and
possibly additional exercise if you have to sneak out and run home.

FACT: The "Beer-Me" diet is good for your heart. After just one day of
consuming your required 12-15 beers, you will certainly want to
consume some aspirin, which is medically proven to help prevent heart
attacks.

FACT: On the "Beer-Me" diet you can eat anything you want. The only
rule is that you cannot consume any food until you have consumed at
least half of the day's required beers. This way the food will
probably only stay in your body a short time, until you again exercise
the deep knee bends, quick walk and, this time, the "lean-over-and-hurl"
stomach crunches.

FACT: Beer drinking is often done in bars, where other forms of
exercise are common. Dancing, for example, is a good way to build up a
thirst, as is chasing members of the opposite sex. If you really want
to maximize your workout, try actually walking up to the bar, versus
using a waitress. To take this to the extreme, you could even get up
and get someone else a beer - perhaps someone who is newer to the diet
plan than yourself.

FACT: Beer is cheaper than Jenny Craig.

Based on these facts, let's run through a given scenario for diet
implementation.

CAUTION: This is a weekend diet plan, and should be attempted during
the work week by only the staunchest of dieters.

MONDAY THROUGH THURSDAY: Eat junk food, and basically be a slob.

FRIDAY: Feeling "huge," swing by the liquor store and stock up. Go to
favorite place of beer drinking and begin the consumption process
(remember 12 for women, 15 for men).

SATURDAY: Wake up (as required) and lounge around all day, feeling
slightly smaller after expunging any food that you may have
accidentally consumed (particularly if it involved beef jerky from
7-11). Take aspirin.

Notice that you have absolutely no interest in food, anyway.

SATURDAY (p.m.): Restart cycle, noticing that your appetite has still
not returned. Perhaps only meet half of your consumption goal due to an
ongoing discussion with "the dog that bit you." This is a good thing,
as only half-consumption means less than 1,000 calories for the day,
and you still don't feel hungry.

SUNDAY (a.m.): Wake up for mandatory sports day. This is a very
convenient diet during football season, but it can be successfully
implemented year-round. There is some major professional sport being
played every day of the year except the day before and the day after
the Major League All-Star game (fact - look it up).

Consumption on this day should be paced to cover the entire day - you
don't want to peak too soon. Again you notice a lack of appetite, and
are feeling thinner all the time.

Don't forget the aspirin.

MONDAY: Return to work, feeling thinner, well rested, and
surprisingly mellow.

Mark your log book, and begin preparation for the upcoming weekend.
****************************************************************************
A Son

An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents.
The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to
decide about his future career, so they decided to do a small test.

They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey,
and put them on the front hall table... then they hid, pretending
they were not at home.

The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will
be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest -
but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will
be a drunkard."

So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously.
Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw
the note they had left.

Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the
light, and slid it in his pocket.

After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it.

Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative
whiff to be assured of the quality ... then he left for his room,
carrying all three items.

The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn, it's even worse than I
could ever have imagined... "

"Our son is going to be a politician!"
***********************************************************************************

Bumper Stickers

Support Cannibalism - EAT ME!

God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.

I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.

I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.

Keep honking while I reload.

Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!

Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.

EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.

Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.

If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.

If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.

Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.

Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ... or something like that.

Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.

Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!


***********************************************

The Nursing Home

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing
home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty
breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely
flower garden.

She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over
sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten
her up.

Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other
side.

The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes
on all morning.

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her
new home.

"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" They ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart." > >

*********************************************************

Genetics 101

All babies start out with the same number of undifferentiated
cells which, over nine months, develop into a complete female
baby.

The problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make
a male baby instead. Because there are only so many cells to go round, the
cells necessary to develop a male's reproductive organs have to come from
cells already assigned elsewhere in the female.

Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the
communications center of the brain, migrate lower in the body
and develop into male sexual organs.

If you visualize a normal brain to be similar to a full deck of cards, this
means that males are born a few cards short, so to speak. And some of their
cards are in their shorts. This difference between the male and female brain
manifests itself in various ways.

Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. Little
boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their heads
and running into walls.

Little girls will think about doing things before taking any action. Little
boys will just punch or kick something and will look surprised if someone asks
them why they just punched their little brother who was half asleep and
looking the other way.

This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the
hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins.

After puberty, not only the size of the male and female brains differ, but the
center of thought also differs.

Women think with their heads. Male thoughts often originate lower in their
bodies where their ex-brain cells reside. Of course, the size of this problem
varies from man to man. In some men only a small number of brain cells migrate
and they are left with nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather
dull, sexually speaking.

Such men are known in medical terms as "Republicans."

Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically
referred to as "Democrats."

A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration to their groins.
These men are usually referred to as "Mr. President."
*********************************************

Stranded

Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in
the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life
raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped
under the surface.

After floating under the blazing sun for 6 days, they ran out of
food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead
from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object
floating toward them in the water.

As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil
lamp (the kind that genies live in). They grabbed the lamp and
rubbed it.

Out popped a tired old genie who said, "OK, so you freed me
from the stupid lamp, but hey, I've been doing this 3-wishes
thing for a while now and quite frankly, I'm burned out. You
guys only get 1 wish and then I'm outta here! Make it a good
one!"

The first guy, without thinking, blurted out, "give us all the beer
we can drink for the rest of our lives!"

"Fine," said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean
to beer.

"Great move, Einstein!" said the second guy, slapping the first
guy on the side of his head. "Now we're gonna have to piss in
the boat!"
========================