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Always Pay Attention

A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on
'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored
liquid.

"This", he explained, "Is urine. To be a good doctor,
you have to be observant to color, smell, sight and taste."

After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put
it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement,
most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were,
the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger
into the jar and then put it into their mouth.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his
head. "If any of you had been observant, you would
have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my
3rd finger into my mouth."

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ARE YOU A PROBLEM THINKER?

It started out innocently enough. I began to think
at parties now and then, just to loosen up. Inevitably
though, one thought led to another, and soon I was
more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself.
But I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and
more important to me, and finally I was thinking
all the time.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking
and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read
Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied
and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing
here?"

Things weren't going so great at home either. One
evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about
the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day
the boss called me in. He said, "John, I like you,
and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has
become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on
the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave
me a lot to think about (see how it grows?).

I came home early after my conversation with the
boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want
a divorce!"
"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said, lower lip quivering. "You
think as much as college professors do, and college
professors don't make any money, so if you keep on
thinking we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently,
not yet realizing how acute my problem had become,
and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to
the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in a flop sweat for
some Nietzsche, with NPR on the radio. I roared into
the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors...
they didn't open. The library was closed!

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was
looking out for me that night.

As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling
glass, whimpering for just a quick shot of George
Will, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy
thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably
recognize that line. It comes from the standard
"Thinker's Anonymous" poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering
thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting,
we watch a non educational video; last week it was
"Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we
avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at
home. Life just seemed...easier, somehow, as soon as
I stopped thinking...

************************************************************

A Blonde joke

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides
to
show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint
a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband
leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of
paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the
floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket
and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK.
She
replies yes.

He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him
that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting
the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and
they
said, FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

***********************************************************

.
..................The Best of Cheers
"What's shaking, Norm?"
"All four cheeks & a couple of chins."

"What's new, Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding
beer."

"What'd you like, Normie?"
"A reason to live. Give me another beer."

"What'll you have, Normie?"
"Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever
comes
out of the tap."
"Looks like beer, Norm."
"Call me Mister Lucky."

"Hey, Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."

"What's the story, Mr. Peterson?"
"The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."

"Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
"I know; if she calls, I'm not here."

"Beer, Norm?"
"Have I gotten that predictable? Good."

"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"

"Whatcha up to, Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

"How's it going, Mr. Peterson?"
"Poor."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean pour."

"How's life treating you, Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."

"Women. Can't live with 'em....pass the beer nuts."

"What's going down, Normie?"
"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."

"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty."

"How's it going, Mr. Peterson?"
"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."

"What's the story, Norm?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."

"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"The question is what's going IN Mr. Peterson? A beer please, Woody."

"Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"A little early, isn't it, Woody?"
"For a beer?"
"No, for stupid questions."

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My hometown was so small..................

-the clinic was called Joe's Hospital and Grill
-long distance calls are delayed when the area code is busy
-th-e town Lady of the Evening stands under a flashlight
-in order to paint traffic lines, the road had to be widened
-instead of hoses, the Fire Department uses water pistols
-you had to make a reservation to use the parking meter
-during snowstorms, salt was spread using a salad shooter
-the local Motel 6 sleeps six
-during a boxing match, both men have to sit in the same corner
-the class valedictorian had both the highest & lowest averages
-the Mayor was also the Sheriff, Town Council & street sweeper
-we had no porn movie house; once a week someone left the shades up
-the municipal water system's pump was supplied by Water Pik
-before you visited, you could look out a window & see who was home
-there was no town idiot -- everybody had to take turns

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Quickies............................................

-Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
-One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
-Atheism is a nonprophet organization.
-If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
-The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
-I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
-If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
-Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
-Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
-If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
-And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
-If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - is he still wrong?
-If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
-Is there another word for synonym?
-Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
-When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be removed?
-Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
-What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
-If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
-Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
-Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
-If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
-Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
-Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
-If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
-Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
-How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
-Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
-Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
-Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
-What was the best thing before sliced bread?
-I'm not schizophrenic. You only think we are.
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