20, March 2005

hm.. sigh.. y must i always find a way to get myself stuck in a lonely ditch? once i think im out of it.. i fall rite bak in.. its quite entertaining.. sure.. but its also very sad.. sigh.. well.. maybe i feel this way cuz im sick.. n my head is messed.. but.. i dont think so.. mynose may be clogged.. but my brain isnt.. v_v.. sigh.. i can tell if ppl would jus rather not be near me.. o.O sigh.. lots of ppl like htat.. i kno.. but.. its sad when its ur 'friends' that r like that.. hm.. uve got a problem.. n u either need new friends.. or.. commit to a life that follows the rules of 'lonerism'.. the ways of the loner.. hm.. i think.. ill take.. the latter.. ez..

15, March 2005

wow.. a blink of an eye n its march already.. so much has happened and time jus flew rite by.. iono about u ppl, but i feel mighty old.. time jus slips rite past u.. jus a month ago.. i was starting a new job.. its still mighty new.. n.. other good and bad things happened.. hmm.. well.. a kinda borderline good/bad thing ended.. i still feel its for the best, tho i cant help but wonder what would happen if i had waited.. jus a bit longer... hmm.. but.. no regrets.. :] i dont kno what i feel really.. all i kno is that.. i felt lighter.. yet.. iono.. i felt content.. happy.. B4 these doubts came in.. even tho i was well below par.. hm.. but doubts r doubts.. n i knew i couldnt commit myself to this.. esp when my mind wandered so much.. hm.. and.. i found myself not.. hm.. well.. not especially in-like wit... sum stuff.. sooo.. it was endgame.. hm.. wasnt a game tho.. sigh.. i dont really hav much to say about it.. i jus wanna blog this so ill remem it.. hm.. i hav a headache.. maybe bc of lack of sleep n too much focus? driving really takes up a LOT of focus.. brainpower.. sigh.. feels like strategy 1st rpg vgame.. >< sigh.. man.. n bc i spent the time practicing.. i dont hav nap.. :[.. hmm. .which reminds me.. i hafta get appmnt for drive test v_V.. byebye

27, January 2005

hm.. its a new yr.. n i havent bin payin attn to this bloggie.. im sry.. sigh.. hmm..

last nite.. for the first time in... a long time.. i cried myself to sleep.. it was kinda sad to think that what caused it was a force stronger than myself.. i pleaded wit myself to think that it was me who made myself cry.. but after long thot.. i realized that i couldnt avoid it.. i remem thinkin.. no... no.. it cant be.. noone but ME can make ME cry.. sigh.. but.. everytime i thot of what this person did and said.. i cried harder.. and harder.. emotions of real sadness never seem real.. esp when its ur facade.. hm.. but.. sigh.. this.. one person.. who i never.. or at least.. hardly talked to.. in real life.. or online.. sumone whom i considered a "friend".. but in reality.. was only a schoolmate of some kind or other.. this dude.. jus... yelled at me.. as much 'yelling' could possibly be done online.. no caps.. jus.. harsh words.. as if.. i meant nothing.. i was nothing.. and that i was scum.. and y? all bcuz i had done sumthin horribly outrageous to our mutual friend.. i knew.. he didnt hafta tell me.. i knew what i did was wrong.. i had told her that i had accidentally blown things out of proportion.. that i knew i had betrayed her trust.. but.. yet.. he yelled at me.. he whom i havent really had a converstion with... ever.. it hurts to be hated so badly.. i knew i was hated.. but.. sumhow.. i doubted that it was so real.. so.. hurtful.. i had wanted to take back what i did way b4 i knew i did it.. but.. he.. made me want to pay for it.. with my life.. or at least.. my servitude.. to lay down everything that i could.. to repent.. to her.. sumone who i am annoyed by.. sumone who i would rather keep away frm.. words r powerful things.. they can hurt.. they can break.. and most especially.. they can make u believe that r worth nuthin.. i believe that he only did it bcuz she meant more to him then i did.. of course.. but.. it hurts.. to kno.. how much sumone can hate u.. no matter how much u think u can take.. no matter how happy u may seem.. sigh.. n i used to think that i was already the scum of the earth.. i didnt remem that til today.. i even found a page i made that told everyone how i truly felt.. i never showed anyone.. but it made me remem more of what i hated about myself.. not saying.. not telling what i truly feel.. i lie more than tell truth.. i lie without thinking.. i believe that i may be lying now.. but then... i dont kno.. i dont kno myself.. and crying made me realize how much i hate everything that i was born in, surrounded by.. i hate everyone that tells me how untrustworthy i am.. how low.. i hate those that remind me of all the wrong ive doen.. n that i cant ever take it bak... i wish that there could be sumone out there that could understand my pain.. that can feel my pain.. but there isnt.. my kind of pain is personal.. sumthin no one can understand except me.. i kno there r ppl worse off.. but im not those ppl.. and i feel what i feel.. this one night that i cried.. made me realize so much that i hated.. so much that i envied.. so much that i couldnt stand it... and now.. i hate it more..