22 April, 2005
it takes my pain away
its all lies
a kiss with open eyes
n shes not breathin bak
anything but bother me
it takes my pain away
nvm, these r horrid times (o o o)
I WONT LET IT BOTHER ME
it takes my pain away..
sumtimes.. i kno.. and sumtimes.. i dont.. but its too painstakingly obvious when u walk away.. and no one expects u to come bak.. i really dont kno sumtimes.. i kno.. but its hard to accept.. i trust.. but they broke.. i hope.. and it dies.. i dont kno what else to do.. what to expect.. and most of all.. how im goin to get on in future days... no one ever expects that the one that walks alone.. is afraid..
no no NO! i never cry becuz of them.. i never cry.. i do not cry becuz of them.. i will not lose myself.. i will not cry... its too late.. tears stood in my eyes..
21 April, 2005
haha.. i SNEAKILY stole this frm IRIS!!! :] yes.. i am STILL the great master of the evil arts.. MWAHAHAHHAHahahahaha..
01.) Total volume of music files on my computer: 94.4 MB! MWAhaha.. so lil.. XD
02.) The last CD I bought was: ... omg.. i dont remem.. ppl bought FOR me.. ppl BURN for me.. >> but me bought? BOUGHT??? OM CRAP!!! ive NEVER BOUGHT MY OWN CD'S!!!!!!! LOL XD
03a.) The last song I listened to before writing this was: "Tender"-Feeder
03b.) Song playing right now: "California"-Hawk Nelson
04.) Five songs I listen to a lot or that mean a lot to me:
1. "Tender"-Feeder
2. "Sorry Sorry"-Rooney
3. "Say You Will"-Wakefield
4. "Heaven's Coming"-Wakefield
5. "Pain"-Jimmy Eat World
05.) Five albums I listen to a lot or that mean a lot to me:
1. American Idiot-GreenDay
2. Hot Fuss-The Killers
3. The Guest-Phantom Planet
4. Start Something-Lost Prophets
5. Songs about Jane-Maroon 5
06.) Five people I am passing this baton to and why: :] whats a baton? (also me saying, "i dont wannaaaaaaaaa XD")
17 April, 2005
hm.. ive had such a rollercoaster-esque happiness level thruout my high skool life.. highly depressed... depressed.... highly depressed... angry depressed.. normal.. kinda ok... happy-ish... sad... depressed... highly depressed... head splitting depressed... hmm... this is where i am now.. in case no one at skool noticed.. ive gotten withdrawn.. i decide i need to let this out b4 i commit a permanant solution to a temporary problem.. hmm.. happiness level... this should be calld my depression level.. what happy? v_v sigh.. i really try.. to be happy.. i really try.. to keep ppl with me.. but in the end.. i end up pushing them away.. i really dont kno what to do.. ive lost.. suffice it to say.. ive stopped doin sumthin thats really really bad.. only one person could even GUESS at what... but i wont say wat it is.. hmm.. when im sad.. i jus dont do it.. thats one upper to my depressing state.. sigh.. i really wish.. that i had sumone out there... in this world that understood.. that.. would jus listen.. and not condemn me.. for trying to push away ppl that i care about.. i mean.. i care.. i dont seem like i do.. but i care.. and no one understands.. noone knos.. its like... all my friends could abandon me... forget about me.. and never see me again... and it wouldnt matter.. it wouldnt affect them at all.. its jus one person.. one insignificant person that made no difference in their lives... i realy wish i could say im tough.. im a strong grl.. that wouldnt be hurt by this.. but i cant.. i really cant.. the tears jus come.. i cant control it o.O.. its tiems like these.. i really dont kno what to do.. i hear ppl say all the time.. trust God.. trust Himto take care of you.. trust Him to be there for you.. but.. i feel guilty.. that i suddenly think..'no, im not willing to'... its so ez.. to tell others to do that.. but for myself.. i jus cant will myself to.. i cant choose to.. im so reluctant.. i kno theres def sumthin wrong wit me if i dont go to God.. i hardly ever do.. n i dont try.. i really need to trust Him.. i feel that i need to.. but for sum reason.. i jus.. dont.. my sadness does not extend only to my disconnection from my friends.. but also my separation from God.. i kno this.. i really do.. it makes me feel.. that the permanant solution would be worth it.. to kno the eternal burn.. the eternal agony.. is there.. with me.. i think.. rite now.. to kno that God exists when ur in hell.. is better than to be here.. trusting ur faith.. ur religion.. ur gut.. still clueless about if He exists.. i think this endline of my depression period so far exists bcuz of my realization that i am alone.. truly and utterly alone.. not only in the world.. in this universe.. but also of the spiritual essence.. and it will continue to be this way until i am able to bring myself to delve myself deeper into a relationship with God.. and being so noncommital.. this will prove to be the greatest challenge of my life.. and i think college apps n taxes r hard.. hm.. i feel sumwhat better.. tho my rants original intent was to say that.. i dont kno y i bother goin online anymore.. its not like anyone talks to me.. or tries to maintain a decent convo wit me.. sigh.. maybe.. i should giv up.. i hav no friends... no REAL friends.. that would stick by me.. that would kno when im sad.. that would care that im sad.. even if it IS all the freakin time.. this is how it is.. always has.. always will be.. a loner as a child will be a loner as teen.. a loner as a teen will be a loner as whev the hell else they turn out to be.. hmm.. yeh.. i feel sumwhat lass sad now.. but i dont kno if its cuz of the post.. or cuz of the tears.. haha.. i always seem to cry nowadays.. its so weird XD
3 April, 2005
O__O om crap!!!! the first quiz here.. hmm.. omg.. o.O so queer.. today.. i started thinkin.. dude.. feelings? what feelings? whats a heart? n then.. i take that quiz.. scared the freak outta me XD haha.. i gotta remem that im human.. i hav feelings too :P v_v
Seer
The ULTIMATE personality test
brought to you by Quizilla
Your daemon would definitely be a HAWK! Fierce and
predatory, you usually don't seek the company
of others, instead preferring to find yourself.
You're a very loyal mate, but other than a few
close friends, tend to avoid others. Because of
this, you are often viewed as distant,
absent-minded and relatively apathetic. You'd
make an excellent strategist, however, given
your ability to see the big picture instead of
focusing on details.
What's your inner daemon?
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The delete key! You are so depressed, you want to
delete from existence
Thank's for taking my quiz!
Which key on the keyboard are you?
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YOU ARE AIR!
Your inner element is one of change and growth. You
are an intensely intellectual and curious
person who simply must know the answers to
everything. You question everything about the
world and the people in it. Because of your
constant search for new things you are blessed
with the ability to change and adapt to most
anything. You love people and tend to get
active in causes that interest you. You tend to
attract many friends but don't tend to hold on
to them for great lengths of time. Any career
that stimulates your desire to learn or develop
new things is ideal for you. Love for you tends
to start out as friendship and build into a
life-long commitment. You look for trust and
openness in your partner, and once you find it
you will let yourself fall completely in love.
Your greatest strengths are your incredible ability
to learn and adapt to all things. Your
weaknesses are your inability to slow down and
let others catch up. If you aren't careful, you
will leave too many people in the dust.
Balancing your strengths and weakness is
crucial for you to achieve balance in life.
Astrologically, Air is associated with the signs of
Gemini, Libra and Aquarius. You are most
compatible for either love or friendship with
another Air Elemental or with an Fire. You are
least compatible with a Earth Elemental.
Now that you have an idea of your strengths and
weaknesses, why don't you put them to the test?
If you follow my lead I can take you to a game
world where you can explore different sides of
yourself and taste real power....
Which of the 5 Prime Elements are you?
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