24 July, 2004

alrite... i found this in sachi's blog.... it made me think lots... i never really could put how i felt about relationships in words... (n i was also a lil sumthin called LAZY) but.. i think this about covers it... well i dont really relate to all of it... but.. most of it... n.. im to lazy to say which ones i relate to.. sooo... lets jus say most.. but not all... v_v.. hmm.. yeh.... NEhoo... hurr it is... "+++ Opinions on Relationships ---- (deep topic) Second thing, dates. Today in English class, our group went to the subject of school and someone asked if we had boyfriends (alright, everyone in my group was a girl), and then Todd (a friend from school who happen to take a college class there too) said I should get a boyfriend. Not only him, but even my cousins and sometimes aunts bring up the subject of boyfriends! =_= It gets really annoying... why? I don't want to be in a relationship yet, I'm still in high school... I have just regular friends and my studies to worry about and therefore don't have time to be in a relationship - some people think high school is ALL about dating, but I do not believe that is correct. I just...don't feel mature yet for it. Chances of being in a relationship and then get dumped is so high I do not think I want to go through the trauma. I just don't want to get hurt... or hurt the person... personal experience here, and I do not want to feel the guilt again.You know, sometimes people look down on you thinking that you don't have a chance on a relationship, but it is really your choice, not theirs.

Finally, distances. What I mean is how close you are to a person. This kind of ties into both topics of friendship and dating, really... When you get to close to a certain friend (and I won't even specify gender here), you get...really attached to that person, right? There's this possessive feeling in it. Even just online, I can feel that many of the people I know have experienced being in a close relationship with someone online... just online. When it's online, people's personalities tend to be more evident or conveying. Sometimes you want a certain person to notice you, on or offline, but you know you can only watch from a distance. I know some friends who are bi or insecure or just basically in conditions where relationships become something dangerous... maybe it is their religion, their choice or preference of who they have crushes on, or just simply knowing that a relationship cannot work out no matter what. It's just really sad how some love some other people so much, but they cannot do anything about it... and the world rejects so many things that some really just have to stay underground. Now the "love" I am talking about is both ways, because I did feel that way before...where I want certain person to know I want to be there for that person. My first experience just left me hurt and regreting, and this time... no matter how attached I feel to someone, I think... I will leave it that way, even though I really want that person to know more."

12 July, 2004

its july.. been a while since last update... hmm... i do too much wonderin nowadays.. i aways wonder.. what would it be like if i had done jus one this diff... jus ONE lil tiny thing diff.... how diff would my life be... if i had chosen to sit nxt to another person instead of that guy in the 4th grade.. if i had decided to voice my opinions about the work i did instead of complying n quietly doing whev it was that i was supposed to do.. if i hadnt read a certain bk... or... if i had made diff friends... if i had been a vain child... or a neat one.. or a hygenic oe.. >.>.. if i had worn a dress instad of a ratty old pair of jeans to that first day of public skool.. if i had decided that it was the GRLS who were the ones that were the cootie holders n not the boys... if i hadnt decided that dressing like a boy would be the best thing to do to hide myself... or... if i had chosen to NOT hide myself... if.. i had been an obedient kid.. if i had chosen to tell sumone that i had feelings for them b4 i completely lost my chance.. if i hadnt chosen to shelter myself frm all forms of harm and pain... if i was a daredevilish person... sigh.. all these n more... so much to think about... i doubt i would be me... i also doubt that id be such a depressing person to be with too.. if i did sumthing different.. if i had not been a rebellious child.. if i had higher self esteem... v_v sigh.. the ore i think about.. my problems.. all lead... to.. my mom... v_v my life has been centered around what she wanted.. around what she needed.. around what she would do or say if i did a certain thing... v_v how sad... b4.. my motvation in life was to not get beat down.. now.. its the thot of leaving my mom... she is a prominent figure in my life at this pnt... notice... when shes there... its like my dad and sister dont exist... nether do i... v_v my low self esteem? "u stupid worthless piece of shit.." etc... i have been broken down by my mother... and until i leave this godforsaken childhood massacre... i will never be happy... in a way... i am saying that sum ppl may hav it bad... n sum ppl may hav it worse.. but i hafta say... im ok... for now.. but if im still here when im 26... v_v i will *makes cutting throat motion* myself..