11 November, 2004
no matter what i do.. no matter how hard i try.. i will always be last... theres no more denying it now.. i hav no chance n i never will.. ppl say that i dont try hard enuf... but they dont kno... this is my best... this is my all.. this is who i am.. not only am i last.. but i deserve to be last.. i may try my best n try to please as many ppl as i can.. but in the end... my "trying" is not enuf.. ill never make it where i want to make it.. ill never get to kno what its like to be 1st.. n ill definitely never experience what its like to not wry about what my parents will say about how i do in skool... ppl think i do nuthin... ppl think im this butt that doesnt care.. well i dont.. not anymore... ppl believe that i should try harder... this is my hardest.. and if i dont get credit for even that.. im not sure i WANT to try anymore.... i dont want to cry.. but yet.. i cant help it.. i dont need sympathy... i dont need help... i dont need advice.. i need hope... its a shame i cant find it..
20 October, 2004
hmm.. its bin almost a mnth already? huh.. i cant remem the last time i felt this sad... er.. not about the blog thing.. hmm.. sigh... iono... sum ppl hav a way of making me annoyed... sum make me mad.. but sum... jus make me so sad... iono.. not alot of ppl can make me sad.. but its not like the.. sad about life sad.. its the.. crying sad.. like.. when uve bin hurt kinda sad... but.. the thing is.. theyve done absolutely ZERO to hurt me.. sigh.. iono.. i ges it wasnt them hurting me.. it was what they did that inadvertantly hurt me.. iono.. sigh.. i ges.. it was jus that.. the one person i expected to not be mean to me... was mean.. sigh.. iono.. it wasnt like sumthin MEAN mean.. like on purpose... sigh.. i feel stupid for crying over this... sigh.. maybe it was jus all the sadness piled up in one day... n that was the last that broke me... iono... sigh.. i feel myself dying a lil more each day..... wow.. i must depress everyone to death.. i ges ill.. stop being so over dramatic n jus.. take things the way they r.. n hold my tears n pretend nuthin happened...
27 September, 2004
well.. its bin a while... i didnt kno he last time i posted was in july here... o.O wow... funny.. hmm.. yeh.. so i completely missed augustthis yr.. haha.. hmm.. yeh.. many things hav happened.. ihav gained mny friends... and.. detached frm sum old ones... mm.. sigh.. bonded wit many ppl.. n lost many bonds... its bin a sad yet vry cool yr... i hope that i wont lose any more... but its hard... sigh.. hm.. i hav found new things to do... new things to like n love... new ppl to like n love... as time passes... i feel the same.. yet completely different.. when i was a 1st grader.. i thot of love as a fairy tale wish that would def com true one day.. now... as i become and settle into my.. junior-ness.. i kno love is impossible to achieve... in this world.. haha.. i hav believed all my life that ugly ppl would alwys be alone... hmm.. it still surprises me that sum very... uhm... ill be straighfrward... it AMAZES me that ppl that look like.. well.. me... aka ugly ppl.. hav sumone to be there wit them.. thats willing to love them for what thy r INSIDE.. n not judge them for their outward appearance.. i kno its... judgemental of myself to think this or respond likethis... bt.. i am biased against myself... v_v... and.. others of the like... sigh... its kinda.. weird... my views of outer beauty contradict all that i believe.. sigh... i need to sort out my feelings..