sigh... i feel as if noone cares... i dont think they ever did... im always on the verge of tears... the only time i ever let it out is b4 i go to sleep or when im all alone at home... the saddest part is that noone cares about that.. they all think my depression is jus a tough act i keep up to 'look cool' or whev.. screw u... im so confused.. but im dont kno y... i dont even kno y im crying... or y i ever cry.. maybe cuz im so alone.. and when i hear about others probs.. i think of my own and i always think that i shouldnt cry cuz theres always a milion more ppl wit worse probs than me... but in the end... i always kno that it still hurts... theres still pain... and i want to end it all... but then.. i never hav the guts... i kno that if mimz was readin this.. shed totally go 'ur so depressing, u need a psychiatrist' or whev.. iono... whenever im wit other ppl... i feel so trapped... so different... so... alone... even more so than when im really alone... i find myself so stupid... so sad... so.. ugly... loneliness gets to u... to kno that ur gonna be alone for the rest of ur life... its a sad sad thing... no matter how many times i repeat to myself and others how cool it would be to be one of those old ladies wit cats... i ges i can deny it all i want.. but it will be the same result... ive never confessed my real feelings to anyone b4... and i dont think i ever will... i dont think im lying when i say that i dont like all those guys that i think about... i really jus want to be their friends.. they fascinate me... but the way i think about them.. it jus tricks me into thinkin that i like them more than that... im so sad... noone wants to talk to me.. theyre so lighthearted... even my best friend... such a realist... i can never talk to her about these things.. i mean.. i can tell more to sarah than i can her... i ges her absence makes me think that we hav really drifted far away from each other.. and sarah... shes there... but shes never there when u need her most... christy.. shes jus there.. but she cant help u do nething... shes one of those ppl that u jus cant talk to unless its to jus hang and laf and make fun of... then the other ppl... i dont think i want to tell them emotional things... their jus too.. sigh... i dont hang out wit them enuf i ges... their too happy.. they wouldnt understand my problems... i mean.. they happy enuf so that they cant help me... i dont think that theres anyone that can help me... esp when im online... i mean... i can type out all my probs... but then.. will they be able to feel it.. or kno if im jokin or not... or will they accuse me of bein sarcastic?... rite now... everyones gone... and everyone i talk to... they go away... im unwanted... even mimz dont care... she says that she does... but does she really? i kinda wonder... as i sit here.. crying... i wonder y im wasting my time typing all this... im never gonna show anyone this... noones really gonna find it... unless theyre one of THOSE ppl that can find random pages... sigh.. i ges i must really say... that i am unloved... ppl only talk to me when they either need sumthing... or r bored and need entertainment.. noone can deny it... its true.. and when i cant provide it.. theyll stop talkin to me and move on... and when i talk to them... and its for no real reason... theyll hav sum excuse to get out of it.. i hav no real frends... its funny.. cuz ppl wit similiar probs... hav friends that can support them... they say 'friends r the absolute best! i dont what id do wit out them' ... and here i am... wondering if there r really ppl like that... i mean.. i kno what id do wit out freinds... id prob be sitting alone and pretending i giv a care... id be quiet... id be useless to others... id do everything myself... no matter how incompetant i may be... im jus one of those ppl that accept everything that is handed to me... i may cry about it.. but ill cry about it secretly... i hold bak my tears for another time.. when im alone... God says that he will comfort u in times of need... but... reading the Bible... praying... will it really help me? will it make me feel better? then i think that maybe i should try it... but then i doubt myself.. and i doubt Him... they say taht im never alone.. God will always be with me... but how come i always feel so alone? is it bcuz i dont follow Him enuf? do i not obey His word? hav i been led astray? and then.. i think sumthing that ive known forever... yes... i hav been separated from God... and i remem everything ive been taught... and i lose control... i doubt MYSELF... not God... i kno Hes there... but.. i cant bring myself to wholly believe in Him bcuz i kno that ill only end up sinning... and being lukewarm and hypocritical.. not that im not already... i depress ppl... im sinful in more than many ways... i am lower than dirt... theres really nuthin i can say or do.... all my 'friends' rnt going to be there for me... but then.. i think.. ill always be there for them.... whenever i can.. whenever they ask... whenever i am able.... i feel so helpless and alone... knowing that friends r never going to be the friends u need... and i.. will be the same... i am supposedly indifferent.... noone trusts me.. and i myself.. in turn trust noone.... and there within itself... is my answer.... that there is none... and never will be...