The Zelator grade sucked for its duration. It was full of negative situations, very dark, and horrid. The grade work resolved this negativity for better or worse, and tapered off completely with the preparation for Theorictus.
My current living situation was not the best upon entering. About one year prior to entering Zelator, October 2004, I started a period of mild clinical depression. On entering Zelator, the darkness portion of that period had already passed, but the despair and sadness of being incomplete and dependant lingered. I was not in school and had no job.
Midway in the grade I had acquired employment at a temp agency and was content for that time period. I'd work earnestly and diligently as usually, but there was always the nagging feeling of resentment in my mind, even though I knew from the start that the temp agency was just middle management exploiting people in need. My body however functioned appropriately for the job due to my bull headedness that shows in other forms of work. The temp assignments were very similar to working on building repairs I had done. It was not my work, but I did it following the rule that that it is a person's job to do their best at anything and it pays the bills. This of course would leave me extremely tired, despite being satisfied at having a minimal purpose. Even though it was simple office work, void of physical labor, I was ravenously hungry. Normally I have two meals a day at and tolerate hunger, i.e. physical and painful gargling of the stomach. With this work I required and craved three full meals to avoid passing out, all this food and energy for simple typing and photocopying.
My employment at the temp agency began to fall apart mid March when the other shoe dropped because of my family's evaluation of my life. Now that they could not coerce me into servitude by saying that I had no job, they said that I "never had to work hard or do manual labor". This brought back repercussions of sadness and anger for the persons involved. The final straw was in April when I received a three month assignment that was completed in one month. I stated before I knew right from the start that part of my check when to middle management-from personal accounts and inference this was as much at 50%. However from a botched phone conversation with the agency, I confirmed that an additional 60% was being stolen at the cost of my diligence. That information coupled with my family's indifferent led to my resignation from that company. Currently I am unemployed seeking work but with dwindling resources.
The mental aspect of this phase has already been covered slightly by the physical. My thoughts were normal except for two changes. First by acquiring a job, most of the negative admonitions I gave myself disappeared. Second there has been a continual hatred and anger towards the incompetence of family members. This is not out of real anger but acute annoyance at the lack of change and growth in their lives. Note well that this was not associated with personal development, i.e. "I am growing due to magical training, why can't everyone else?" Prior to any magical training I accepted my personal uniqueness of being and could stand as I pleased. Any negativity felt from society was not from pressure but just the sadness and harm of resorting to an attack rather than the actual attack itself. This personal anger results from clinging to poor behavior and self-martyrdom accumulated and used for approximately eight years. Anger still occurs but it is far easier to avoid quelling it. The anger now does not have any physical expression, i.e. no distress, and at the same time not repressed. When an instance occurs, it is mostly vented and expressed verbally and civilly to a third party, who listens and may console.
These behaviors were exaggerated by the Zelator process. Overall there is more expressed control of my mental situation. Although sadly there can come the bouts of fear, shame, and oppression from others. Fundamentally this comes from my own person and being but strongly stems from a non-greedy desire to work and acquire money. I.e. I could not just sit and loaf with all my spare time.
There were a lot of things going on here with ritual development and practice. First throughout the entire phase the Middle Pillar in Assiah as developed by Lyam was completed as the specific daily work along with a mediation of sorts. A meditative emblem was used for a period of two weeks until latter when extras where added such as badges of admission and diagrams. From then they were limited to one week.
The first phase consisted of following the Cicero self-initiation style Invocation of Earth paired with the LBRP and LBRH. These ceremonies were about one hour's length and never boring. By the time I reached Levannah I switched to the basic Lyam style only using the LBRP, LBRH, and LIRP for opening and closing. That lasted until Shemesh where I switched to the solomon_4 self-initiation style and then to a paraphrased version of the actual Golden Dawn's Opening and Closing in 1=10.
Of all those rites the one that that created the best presence of Earth involved the LIRP. Thus far any use of the Enochian Earth Tablet had been ornamental. It was at the point that on completion of the LBPR and LBRH the temple was very sterile and quiet. Absolutely quiet. Then on completion of the LIRP, the divine presence sank in. Whenever an Earth Tablet was used there was practically no effect. Even with concentration it could not compare itself to the LIRP. In any case that spiritual emptiness when using the Earth Tablet may be the result of just simple inexperience or lack of identifying with the purpose of the gestures and words. Although I have been able to discern the parts of the Opening, seeing the sections of a doctrine, simple adoration, then invocation, the invocation is just always missing that "something" that is present with a LIRP. Despite this set back I persevere.
During its first few weeks the Middle Pillar resulted in what was thought to be a vibration frequency. In my body I would feel a pulse, and from Olam Yesodoth to Kokab I intentional sought what each frequency was. Not only did I find a rhythm, but direction and cycles. Some would increase and decrease amplitude as in a wave. For patterns they all resembled circles but some where figure eight or ovals etc. This searching around Nogah, when I discovered that these were just my actual pulses of blood being felt and exaggerated.
However in my practice I still adjust and amend performance of the Middle Pillar. Position and bodily comforts are still requirements for a good performance, even though it has been practice several times. Sadly I still cannot just slip into it like I do the LBRP, but I think that is due to the hypersensitivity from being so still with the MP (and hence feeling the blood pulse).
During the last week of the Middle Pillar in Assiah I performed my rites as a miniature alchemic process based off the book the Emerald Tablet by Dennis Hauck. Each part of the ritual was a step. The Purification and Consecration by Fire and Water were Calcination and Dissolution. The Opening was Separation and Conjugation. The Middle Pillar Fermentation with the Circulation of the Body of Light, Sublimation, and the meditative state afterwards was Cohabitation. In doing this I visualized a little oval stone the size of an almond or walnut being subjugated and transformed by these operations. It changed color throughout matching either the operation or the Middle Pillar. At the end it was a rich blood red and felt very powerful and pure.
For companions and such I acquired one semi helper and constructed two Servitors. The first helper was a simple spirit of the path of Ayin on the Tree of Life. It came about during meditations on the Devil Card which came up frequently during the end of my Neophyte period, (and taken as one sign for moving to Zelator).
I learned squat from it. The only real statements and lessons I could take from it was "putrification is at hand" and evoke me every day. Follow its requests I'd summon it during daily practice and asked "are there any lessons?" The answer usually was no. Eventually, when I acquired the position at the temp agency, I asked him "are you done (with these 'lessons')?" It said yes so I ended our relationship.
I was never sure if I got anything substantial from it. Considering that modern goetia theory is that on summoning a demon the person would ask for help. But in turn of continual summoning the magician realized that the demon's powers where their own to use as they pleased latter. So following that what did I gain from it? All I can think of is simple evocation as in the style of Geomancy divination. Summons where easy for this little spirit for it appeared often as a small globe of reality, which could possibly be just the afterimage of staring into the circular black magic mirror in the Triangle of the Arte. I strived for mental visualization of the in between place. I.e. my actual slight perceptions of the spiritual then completed or fulfilled by my logical image. It is advance working for my natural talents and magical schedule, but maybe it was needed to accelerate them. Or maybe I'm just seeing things that aren't really there with this "lesson."
The first servitor created was Homey. She was created in the style based off the anime Sakura Card Captor in particularly season three. In that time of the anime, Sakura has to change Clow cards into Sakura cards in order to keep them alive, but basically she created new Sakura Cards using Clow Cards as a base. Homey was created as such being a new card and servitor created off the bases of a Tarot card. Hers was the Lord of Perpetual Success i.e. Ten of Cups. In the Zelator period she has been a great asset. Since creation there has not been one argument amongst my family. She little squabbles exist but nothing like the silence vehemence that kept persons from speaking to each other for days on end.
The second servitor to be a pair of Homey is Handy, who is based off the Lord of Material Works. From my experience he has not been as satisfactory, or at least not apparent. This I think comes from the fact that he was not as nourished as Homey both in ritual and "food". (Homey "ate" evil and malicious thoughts and excreted positive ones. So there was a lot around, especially from myself. ^_^;;) Handy did was imitative of that which may not be as good for construction as with family life that is already chaotic. Also Homey was checked every fortnight and rebirthed about three times. I've yet to do that with Handy, but I do not intend to give up since he will be Handy when ready.
Finally there is my Gnome, known as Bah-was sort of. Prior to this Golden Dawn training, I did some work off the book Practical Solitary Magic by Nancy B Watson a protégé of Murry Hope. It involved acquiring elemental helpers, but after somewhat of a magic fallout-basically a hissy fit in that with all this practice I still have no real effect on the world nor confidence of it actually working-I just abandoned my elementals and astral estate. Yet in the back of my mind I missed them and in dreams they called out saying when will the Master come home. I've attempted some contact with Bah-was, but was never sure of it. (I was never sure of it even with it originally.) Through divination is never showed it advisable or useful to try to get back together again.
Of all my spirit is probably had the most advancement, in that clinical depression to normality (or at least a sane amount of abnormality) has been the move in quite a while. For the first time in ten years I just don't "give a rat's ass" about money, family politics, or the next year. For better or worse my life is fully in the present. Although I'm still lacking the roots to stay that way when pressure comes, i.e. when confronted future about what I have been worrying all these years I usually just avoid the situation out of fear instead of letting is roll off, it is way better than before.
I have yet to restore my intended prayer routine and worship; I'm coming close to it. I wear my family heirloom now, body acne permitting it, and I am comfortable with it. It hasn't brought the change I'd like. I said on wearing it, I'll keep wearing it till I'm not as internally ugly as I perceive this object. I've yet to have the incentive to follow that plan, but time will tell. Each day I strive to follow through, but usually fall by mid morning. There is also the issue of actual practice instead of en route performance. Kind of off setting that the only means that is comfortable is just the contemplative style of "sit down and shut up" I've been using since high school. Maybe one day verbal will come properly again.
The final main spiritual changes-if they can be called that-resulting from Zelator are a removal from the world. This is odd since at a very young age-second grade-I placed myself outside others. My family raised me right from the start to be myself and to follow my heart. As mentioned before harm still came from others but only from the intent to harm rather than any message of conformity or lack of it. Instances of separation were the quintessential examples or proves of Man's lack of instinct and full potency of Free Will. I'd just be in a room with my family or friends and see them as mere people. People, distinct from my self and any memory or feelings or experiences, that just happened to be in the same room as I. The feeling would be the same as if I had amnesia, or were an alien with no clue of human life and asked naïve but sincere questions, or the feeling that I'm really from another world and place. In most cases other would just take these little inklings as proof the discarnate anti-materialistic, hyper-idealist view of humanity and confuse it for such. However actually knowing myself for quite some time these experiences are understood as showing my true nature as Man instead of ghost or alien.
Also I note two miscellaneous and weird spiritual effects that may or may not be from Zelator. First video games do not quite have the passion and drive they used to for me. I was never a hardcore "Gamer", but probably played more a little more than an average. When I had my job I just could not enjoy them like I used too. Perhaps it is because I'm growing up, or just bored with my old games (played several of times), or that I'm just satiated with being introduced into the modern era of them.
Secondly for the first time in my entire life I do not wish to be home. Always, always, always any time spent away usually was just time spent trying to come back. A few exceptions where parties with good friends. However now it is as if I'm bored with home. I get anxious in my room, or study or living room. This feeling is not for typical adult independence, or setting out for adventure, nor of avoiding the troubles within, nor cabin fever. It is really strange and probably a result of the immense desire to change and contribute to the world. In my house I'm still a child or peon. Anything that I do or fixed will be undone by other members or lack support of any kind. The time for that nonsense has ended.
There have been a couple of signs for changing to Zelator. First I've had two dreams which seem to be visions of the Astral or Aska. The first consisted of being in an area similar to an open lot, or garden, like in a flea market or block party or church bazaar. I'd set up tables to find out latter that they'd be missing or not set up. I'd do them again. Sometimes they stayed or went back. Sometimes things where set up already or repeated before my eyes. It was very ethereal, as if showing all the possibilities of that position. The second dream was of my mother and her husband. There was no action in the dream just conveying information. My mother had a husband who was celestial and good. He then was replaced by an evil one. It looked exactly like her real husband but evil, which then died. Latter I find the celestial original husband, who did not die, and we where happy. This shows a reflection of the husband, of his potencies, and expressions. Hopefully more dreams like this will come in Theorictus.
The second sign a bit more direct it that the Banner of the West, representing blockage of the next areas, kept falling. It had new tape, clean surface, and proper temperature, but it fell.
After some time I did a Tarot reading for myself, which I rarely do, but I'm experienced to interpret correctly. The reading was on how to help my improve my life, since it sucks with a more that subtle hint towards a job. The cards where "where I'm now", "what's the problem", and "what will fix it." The cards drawn where Two of Wands, Ace of Pentacles, and Six of Swords. (The deck used was the Gilded Tarot. The odd thing was that while I was focusing on a job, the meanings clicked for magic. The Two presented the immediate situation. I was at a cross roads, but which one to take with the same choice in my life: wisdom or power. The longer better one through the mountains, or the shorter less desirable through the woods. I looked to the birds in the picture which are odd. It portrays them to the woods, but since I'm used to geese flying over my home, so the normal long fanned tails of the birds looked like the long necks and heads of the geese. This gives an odd picture of geese flying in backwards positions. The choice was through the mountains even if it is harder and longer and backwards than the woods. The problem is me focusing too much on the material. Normally this is money but it also align with the idea. You are in Zelator when you should not be in it now, its effects are too strong. The last portrays the journey. What stood out is all the swords, symbols of Air, and the Full Moon in the background for this deck, symbolic of Yesod. The waters, silence, and mood, are link with the fact that this journey is a solitary one rife with dangers and perils of my psyche. I've looked at this reading several times for a job, but doesn't help since I already took its advice. Change and stop worrying about money.
During the Middle Pillar for the Premium Mobile I would assume an angelic form of the same coloring. At first I dismissed this as just draw back from a piece of artwork I saw at the time, but it kept appearing. I had some ideas that this may be my Holy Guardian Angel, for isn't it true that the Vision of Malkuth that of the HGA? Then I thought of it being possibly Uriel or Phorlak, since Kether is in Malkuth and Malkuth in Kether. How appropriate that the colors of the Premium Mobile are white flecked gold and that the Ashim are 4-color flecked gold? They are one in the same and portrayed as such with the flecking. I took it as my Angel and a potentially useful godform.
During the final weeks of performing the Middle Pillar is Assiah, I had a dream of the woman that appeared sometimes during from Kokab. She said that my time was now and that I needed to perform the imitation to 2=9 in a Spirit Walk. I declined but the message was sent nonetheless. Then from out of the blue, during my performance of the Middle Pillar in Assiah a door formed under the sign of Tau and opened. I knew then that it was the proper time.
So yea there were lots of ups and downs for Zelator, but they are all part of the process. Next is the waviness of air, which I wonder how terrifying will it be, when this stable earth was just so shaky?