Cat Quotes

BEST VIEWED ON INTERNET EXPLORER/1024x768 RESOLUTION

CAT QUOTES

My cyber-friends' parents are always sending
cool or humorous cat quotes to my Mom, Shirley, of Shirley Thinks.
So, since I am taking over all things Feline,
I will begin posting these quotes on my page.

TO PRINT, CLICK ON TITLE

KITTY'S BEDTIME PRAYER

Received from Jo LaBonte, our very own Kitty Foster Mom

Kitty's Bedtime Prayer...
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray this cushy life to keep.
I pray for toys that look like mice,
And sofa cushions,soft and nice.
For grocery bags where I can hide,
Just like a tiger, crouched inside!
I pray for gourmet Kitty snacks,
And someone nice to scratch my back.
For window sills all warm and bright,
For shadows to explore at night.
I pray I'll always stay real cool,
And keep the secret feline rule.
To NEVER tell a human that..
The world is really ruled by CATS! ! !

EXCERPTS FROM "A CAT'S GUIDE TO HUMAN BEINGS"

Received from Jo

*******

EXCERPTS FROM "A CAT'S GUIDE TO HUMAN BEINGS"

1. Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans?

So you've decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so, you've
joined the millions of other cats who have acquired these strange and
often frustrating creatures. There will be any number of times, during
the course of your association with humans, when you will wonder why you
have bothered to grace them with your presence. What's so great about
humans, anyway? Why not just hang around with other cats? Our greatest
philosophers have struggled with this question for centuries, but the
answer is actually rather simple:
THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS, which makes them the perfect tools
for such tasks as opening doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans,
changing television stations and other activities that we, despite our
other obvious advantages, find difficult to do ourselves.
True, chimps, orangutans and lemurs also have opposable thumbs,
but they are nowhere as easy to train.

2. How And When to Get Your Human's Attention

Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more important
activities than taking care of your immediate needs, such as conducting
business, spending time with their families or even sleeping. Though
this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this work to your
advantage by pestering your human at the moment it is the busiest. It is
usually so flustered that it will do whatever you want it to do, just to
get you out of its hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this
same practice. Here are some tried and true methods of getting your
human to do what you want:

*Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has paper in front
of it, chances are good it's something they assume is more important
than you. They will often offer you a snack to lure you away. Establish
your supremacy over this wood pulp product at every opportunity. This
practice also works well with computer keyboards, remote controls, car
keys and small children.
*Waking your human at odd hours: A cat's "golden time" is between 3:30
and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your human's sleeping face during
this time, you have a better than even chance that it will get up and,
in an incoherent haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have
to scratch deep sleepers to get their attention; remember to vary the
scratch site to keep the human from getting suspicious.

3. Punishing Your Human Being

Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human will
stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these extreme circumstances,
you may have to punish your human. Obvious punishments, such as
scratching furniture or eating household plants, are likely to backfire:
the unsophisticated humans are likely to misinterpret the activities and
then try to discipline YOU. Instead, we offer these subtle but
nonetheless effective alternatives:

* Use the cat box during an important formal dinner.
* Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a romantic
interlude.
* Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and feign a
hairball attack.
* After your human has watched a particularly disturbing horror film,
stand by the hall closet and then slowly back away, hissing and yowling.
* While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.

4. Rewarding Your Human: Should Your Gift Still Be Alive?

The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting humans with
the thoughtful gift of a recently disemboweled animal. Some believe that
humans prefer these gifts already dead, while others maintain that humans
enjoy a slowly expiring cricket or rodent just as much as we do,
given their jumpy and playful movements in picking the creatures up
after they've been presented. After much consideration of the human psyche,
we recommend the following: Cold blooded animals (large insects, frogs,
lizards, garden snakes and the occasional earthworm) should be presented
dead, while warm blooded animals (birds, rodents, your neighbor's
Pomeranian) are better still living. When you see the expression on your
human's face, you'll know it's worth it.

5. How Long Should You Keep Your Human?

You are only obligated to your human for one of your lives. The other
eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and matching, though in the
end, most humans (at least the ones that are worth living with) are
pretty much the same. But what do you expect? They're humans, after all.
Opposable thumbs will only take you so far.

TO PRINT, CLICK ON TITLE

A FEW BASIC FACTS ABOUT CATS:

From Melissa of The Write Page

1. Cats do what they want, when they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave their hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts.

Conclusion: Cats are little, tiny women in cheap fur coats.

TO PRINT, CLICK ON TITLE

WHERE DO PETS COME FROM?

From Nancy of "Deer With Horns Website"

It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis
was discovered in the Dead Sea Scrolls. If authentic, it would
shed light on the question, "Where do pets come from?"

***And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden,
you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore.
I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember
how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you
that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection
of my love for you, so that you will know I love you,
even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and
childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will
accept you as you are and will love you as I do,
in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam.
And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam
and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals
in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot
think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new
animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be
a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him.
And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel
came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride.
He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is
worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved,
but no one has taught him humility."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him
a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him
as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations,
so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam.
And Cat would not obey Adam.
And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded
that he was not the supreme being.
And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.
And Cat did not care one way or the other.

The following quote was sent by Nancy of
Deer With Horns Homepage.

TO PRINT, CLICK ON TITLE

CATS IN PHYSICS

1 - LAW OF CAT INERTIA
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest,
unless acted upon by some outside force
such as the opening of cat food,
or a nearby scurrying mouse.
2 - LAW OF CAT MOTION
A cat will move in a straight line,
unless there is a really good reason
to change direction.
3 - LAW OF CAT MAGNETISM
All blue blazers and black sweaters
attract cat hair in direct proportion
to the darkness of the fabric.
4 - LAW OF CAT THERMODYNAMICS
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body,
except in the case of a cat, in which case
all heat flows to the cat.
5 - LAW OF CAT STRETCHING
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional
to the length of the nap just taken.
6 - LAW OF CAT SLEEPING
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible,
in a position as uncomfortable for the people
involved as is possible for the cat.
7 - LAW OF CAT ELONGATION
A cat can make his body long enough to reach
just about any counter top that has anything
remotely interesting on it.
8 - LAW OF CAT ACCELERATION
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate,
until he gets good and ready to stop.
9 - LAW OF DINNER TABLE ATTENDANCE
Cats must attend all meals
when anything good is served.
10 - LAW OF RUG CONFIGURATION
No rug may remain in its naturally
flat state for very long.
11 - LAW OF OBEDIENCE RESISTANCE
A cat's resistance varies in proportion
to a human's desire for her to do something.
12 - FIRST LAW OF ENERGY CONSERVATION
Cats know that energy can neither be created
nor destroyed and will, therefore, use
as little energy as possible.
13 - SECOND LAW OF ENERGY CONSERVATION
Cats also know that energy can only
be stored by a lot of napping.
14 - LAW OF REFRIGERATOR OBSERVATION
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough,
someone will come along and take out
something good to eat.
15 - LAW OF ELECTRIC BLANKET ATTRACTION
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump
into bed at the speed of light.
16 - LAW OF RANDOM COMFORT SEEKING
A cat will always seek, and usually take over,
the most comfortable spot in any given room.
17 - LAW OF BAG/BOX OCCUPANCY
All bags and boxes in a given room
must contain a cat within the earliest
possible nanosecond.
18 - LAW OF CAT EMBARRASSMENT
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion
to his embarrassment times the
amount of human laughter.
19 - LAW OF MILK CONSUMPTION
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared,
just to show you he can.
20 - LAW OF FURNITURE REPLACEMENT
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is
directly proportional to
the cost of the furniture.
21 - LAW OF CAT LANDING
A cat will always land in
the softest place possible.
22 - LAW OF FLUID DISPLACEMENT
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own
volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
23 - LAW OF CAT DISINTEREST
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse
proportion to the amount of effort a human expends
in trying to interest him.
24 - LAW OF PILL REJECTION
Any pill given to a cat has the potential
energy to reach escape velocity.
25 - LAW OF CAT COMPOSITION
A cat is composed of
Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

TO PRINT, CLICK ON TITLE

IS YOUR CAT NORMAL?

1. Does your cat sleep 22 hours a day, and spend
the other two hours in non-stop eating?
2. Does your cat take frequent naps in annoying places,
such as in the center of the dinner table,
in the kitchen sink, or on top of your
freshly-cleaned-of-hair (and favorite) bedspread?
3. Is your cat selfish? conceited? arrogant? aloof? insensitive?
4. Does he wake you up in the middle of the night and
refuse to stop meowing until you accompany him
to his food bowl to watch him eat?
5. Does your cat tear down holiday decorations?
6. Does he destroy any stuffed toy or cat-sized household
ornament which might be misconstrued as competition?
7. Does your cat perceive himself to be sole owner
of all property?
does he often show disdain for your taste, or act as if
you are an embarrassment to him?
If you answered "yes" to most of these questions . . . relax,
YOUR CAT IS NORMAL

Received from Jo LaBonte, our very own Kitty Foster Mom

Received from Jo

From Melissa of The Write Page

From Nancy of "Deer With Horns Website"

The following quote was sent by Nancy of Deer With Horns Homepage.

The following quote was sent by Nancy of
Deer With Horns Homepage.