Blonde Adventures (no offence Sirka ...
Did you hear about the new color of paint called Blonde?
It's not too bright but it sure is easy to spread.
How do blondes turn on the light after having sex?
By opening the car door with their foot.
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A wind tunnel.
What do you call an an anorexic blonde with a yeast infection?
Quarter pounder with cheese.
What do you call 3 nuns and a blonde standing on the corner?
3 tight ends and a wide receiver.
What do you call a brunette between 2 blondes?
An interpreter.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York?
A: The Grand Old Duke of York only 'had' 10000 men.
What do you do when the dishwasher breaks ?
... Slap her in the ass..
Why did the woman cross the road ?
Who cares, what the hell is she doing out of the kitchen..
How do you plant dope?
Bury a blonde.
Why was the blonde wearing her sunglasses?
She was having sunny periods.
What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde?
"Space. The final frontier..."
How many blondes does it take to screw the entire Bengals team?
Just One... Boomer Esiason.
What do you call a brunette and three blondes on a corner?
You don't, you see if you've got 3 condoms.
Why did the blonde keep the freezer full of ice cubes?
That's how she kept the refrigerator cold.
Why don't blondes talk when having sex?
Their mothers told them not to talk to strangers, and their mothers told them not to talk with their mouths full.
How many blondes does it take to make a complete circuit?
Two, one to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the blow dryer!
How can you tell if a blonde works in an office?
A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on the bosses' faces.
Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes?
They're doing research on black holes.
Why don't blondes double recipes?
The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.
What does a blonde make best for dinner?
Reservations.
What do blondes do after they comb their hair?
They pull up their pants.
What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
Pregnant.
Why did the blonde always tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!
What is the blonde's favorite potato chip?
Frito-Lay (free-to-lay).
What kind of batteries do blondes use in their toys?
Ever-ready.
What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort.
What do you call it when a blonde gets taken over by a demon?
A vacant possession.
What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?
All you have to do is scratch the box to win.
What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
About 2 cans of hair spray.
What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
Perri-air
Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
When you have a patch kit and tire pump to reinflate it!
What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station?
The Air Pump!
Why did the blonde baste her Turkey with Coppertone?
She didn't want the turkey to burn!
Confucius say:
"Blonde who fly upside down have dark hairy crack up."
"Blonde not all blonde by cracky!"
Last night I went home to my blonde girlfriend, and told her I was going to screw her brains out.
Then I realized I was too late...
Did ya hear about the really stupid blonde purse snatcher?
In a police lineup, the blonde purse snatcher steps up front and says 'yep, that's her alright.'
Why do so many blondes dye their hair roots a dark color?
That's to confuse blond males.
What's the most important thing in a blonde's makeup kit?
A paint roller.
Why do they refer to blondes as "Amazon Women?"
Because they are wide at the mouth.
A blonde was watching a tennis match when a guy walked by and asked her, "Whose game?"
"I am," she said the blonde.
Did you hear about the blonde who baked a sponge cake for her boyfriend?
She used the wrong kind of sponges.
Two blondes were studying astronomy together. "What's a comet?" asked one. "I think it's a star with a tail,"
her friend answered. "Oh, I see, sorta like Benji huh?"
Never criticize an ugly blonde's figure.
She might hold it against you.
Why did it take the blonde so long to cook the turkey?
The recipe said to cook it for 30 minutes per
pound and she weighed right at 115 pounds.
How are blondes like paint?
Get them all stirred up, spread them a little and you can't get them off your hands.
What happens when you crack open a blonde's head?
Absolutely nothing. WARNING! If done in an enclosed room the vacuum could blow the windows out.
Why do blondes shower until the hot water runs out?
The shampoo bottle says, "Lather, rinse, and repeat!"
How do you get a divorce from a female blonde?
Tell her the baby she had isn't hers.
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath?
She's still has not gotten all the hair off her tongue.
What do you call a blonde who uses to much contraceptive cream?
A spermicical maniac.
The blonde was over heard at the little General Store, saying,
"Why do you call this a general store if you don't sell generals here?"
What did the blonde doctor say when her hands got cold after an operation?
"Oh my gosh, I've left my gloves inside the patient!"
Did you hear about the blonde counterfeiter?
Yeah, they caught her erasing zeros from 10 dollar bills.
Why do women have legs?
So when your done with them they can leave.
Whats the difference between a blonde and a shopping trolley ....
A shopping trolley has a mind of its own.
150. What does a blonde says after 6 years of college?
"Welcome to McDonalds. May I take your order please?"
149. Heard about the blonde who was fired from the orange juice factory?
She couldn't learn to concentrate.
148. What did the blonde's right knee say to her left knee?
Nothing. They never met!
147. How does a blonde sink a submarine?
She opens the hatch and sucks out the seaman.
146. How did the blonde burn her ear?
She answered the telephone while she was ironing!
145. What did God tell the blonde?
"Just play dumb till I get back."
144. How do you get a blonde off her knees?
Cum.
143. Did you hear about the blonde who turned down a free vacation to Club Med?
She thought you had to be a doctor to go.
142. What is the difference between a blonde and a lawyer?
You have to pay the lawyer to get screwed.
141. Why was the blonde laughing while the man ripped her clothes off?
She knew they'd never fit him.
140. Why did the blonde laugh when the man reached into her bra?
She knew her money was in her sock.
139. What is the most common disease that blonds have?
CRS - aka - Can't Remember Shit.
134. How are blondes like sperm?
Only one in 10 million actually do anything productive.
131. Since the Clarence Thomas/Anita Hill hearings, video stores report their blonde customers have rented every copy of TREASURE ISLAND in the country!
129. Why do blondes eat so much salad?
They eat like rabbits, too.
128. What is the definition of 'Gross Ignorance?'
144 blondes.
127. How can you tell how hard a blonde is concentrating?
By the size of the drool puddle on the floor!
126. What do you call a blonde at the library?
Lost!
125. How do you drive a blonde crazy?
Hide her hair brush!
124. What's another name for virgin blonde?
Crib Death!
123. Did you hear about the blonde car pool?
They all meet at work.
122. Did you hear about the blonde bank teller?
Someone brought in a toaster and she bought it!
121. Why don't blondes play frisbee?
It hurts their teeth when they catch it.
120. What do blondes have printed on the top of their ladders?
STOP! (Need we explain that one to you?)
119. Why couldn't the blonde bob for apples?
Her brother was using the toilet.
117. What says, "go/Stop! go/Stop! go/Stop! go/Stop?"
A blonde enjoying her liquor.
116. Why do brunettes and redheads make up blonde jokes?
They've got nothing else to do on the weekends.
115. What is 20/20?
The IQ of blonde twins.
113. Did you hear about the blonde who had an affair with her dentist?
She had two pulled and one filled; and she didn't have to pay him anything!
108. How can one tell when a blonde is a good cook?
When the blonde serves the poptart in one piece!
107. Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed with her?
To see how long she slept!
106. Why did the blonde put glue on her head?
Because she thought it would help things stick in her mind.
105. Why did the blonde try to put her car in the oven?
Because she wanted a hot rod.
104. Why did the blonde jump up and down on the letter?
She heard that you have to stamp letters or the post office won't send them.
103. Why did the blonde singer strike the record with a hammer?
She wanted a hit record.
102. What do you see when you look deep into a blondes eyes?
Black roots.
300. What do peroxide blondes and black men have in common?
They both have black roots.
297. What did the blonde's mother say to the blonde before going out?
If you're not in bed by 10, come home.
296. What's the Blonde's cheer?
"I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."
295. What's the difference between Colorado and a blonde?
A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.
291. How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
Flattered.
287. What do you call two nuns and a blonde? Or... What do you have when you sign up a blonde and two brunettes for a football team?
Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
281. Brunette: "How many sheep does it take to knit a sweater?"
Blonde: "I didn't even know they could knit."
280. Blonde: "Is it easy to milk a cow?"
Country boy: "Sure, any jerk could do it."
279. Why is it that blondes gets arthritis so early in life?
Because they get stiff joints every night when they're young.
278. A cop stops a blonde driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: "Didn't you see the arrows?"
Blonde: "I didn't even see the Indians."
277. Why was booze invented?
So ugly fat blondes could get sex too.
276. Did you hear about the blonde who stepped up to the parking meter that still had 120 minutes of free parking left on it?
The 105 lb blonde said, "My God! I've gained 15 pounds!"
275. What was the blonde training to be a cop?
She wanted to work under the cover with the guys.
274. The blonde murderer about to be executed is offered a cigarette.
The blonde says, "No thanks, I'm trying to quit."
273. A blonde caught for speeding went before the judge.
The judge said, "What do you want? 30 days or $30?"
The blonde replied, "I'd like the money. Thank you."
272. What two words keep blondes out of jail when they get arrested?
"Spread them."
271. Why did the blonde want to join the KKK?
She wanted to crawl under the sheets with the men!
270. Doctor: "Take one of these pills 3 times a day."
Blonde Patient: "How do I take a pill more than once?"
269. Doctor: "Is your cough better this morning?"
Blonde Patient: "Yes. I've been practicing all night."
268. A 93-year-old blonde marries an 18-year-old guy. Her doctor tells her, "The age difference in your marriage could be fatal."
After thinking a moment the old blonde replied, "Well if he dies, he dies."
267. Brunette: "How's your insomnia?"
Blonde: "Even worse. Now I can't sleep at work."
266. The doctor told the blonde she was iron deficient,
so she took up nail biting.
265. What did the blonde's mother say when she asked if she could lick the bowl?
"Just flush it like everybody else does."
262. What do you get when you cross a blonde with an ape?
A retarded ape.
261. Why do blondes fear the middle age crisis?
Middle aged is when the broad mind and the narrow waist exchange places.
260. The horny blonde says, "Wanna play carnival?
That's where you sit on my face and I try to guess your weight."
259. What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run like hell, because she'll be licking the steel ball.
258. Did you hear about the blonde who spent four days in the Mall?
She was looking for wheels for her miscarriage.
257. Did you hear about the blonde who went to a crap game?
She took a roll of toilet paper with her.
256. Did you hear about the blonde who got a cut in pay?
She put iodine on her paycheck.
255. Did you hear about the blonde who was feeling low?
She got cream on her hands.
254. Did you hear about the blonde who thought a mushroom was a place to neck?
253. Did you hear about the blond who bought his wife a washer and dryer for Christmas?
He got her a douche bag and towel.
252. Did you hear about the blonde who thought "no kidding" meant birth control?
251. Why don't blondes eat fleas?
Because they can't get their little legs apart.
350. Did you hear about the blonde who couldn't serve tea to her visitors?
She didn't have a Tea-shirt.
349. Why did the blonde pee in the middle of the grocery store?
She passed a sign that read, "Wet Floor."
348. What do you call a blonde who can suck a golf ball through fifty feet of garden hose?
"Darling!"
347. Why don't blond guys trust their blonde girlfriends?
How can you really trust someone who bleeds for five days and doesn't die?
345. Why couldn't the blonde WAVE get pregnant during the storm at sea?
The seamen kept falling to the floor.
344. What does a blonde have in common with the United States Army?
They're open to any man between the ages of eighteen and thirty-five.
342. Why did the blonde cross the road?
Forget about that, what the hell was she doing out of bed in the first place?
340. Why do blondes flock around the Police sharpshooters?
They heard sharpshooters have a reputation for being excellent crack shots.
339. Why's having beauty more important than having brains for a blonde?
Plenty of men are stupid, but not many are blind.
330. Did you hear the one about the blonde that had a problem with her bed?
She couldn't find a knife large enough to apply the bed spread.
328. Did you hear about the blonde who committed suicide?
She was throwing away a cigarette on top of the Empire State Building. She threw the wrong butt off!
327. How do you recognize a blonde at a car wash?
She's the one on her bike.
326. How can you tell if the blonde biker is an aristocrat?
No spelling errors on her tattoo.
325. How can you recognize a blonde's pencil?
It's the one with erasers on both ends.
324. The blonde's Space-plan has run into a hitch.
The kite just won't support the astronaut's weight.
323. Hear about the blonde explorer?
Yeah, she bought a piece of sandpaper thinking it was a map of the Sahara Desert.
322. Hear about the blonde who tried playing water polo?
She drowned her horse!
321. Hear about rich blonde who bought a black and white dog?
It was cheaper than a colored dog, and she thought Ted Turner could colorize it for her.
320. Why did the blonde quit her job as a restroom attendant?
She couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer!
319. What does it take to make a blonde genius?
A mall.
318. Did you hear about the blonde bank robber?
She tied up the safe and blew the guard!
315. How can you tell a blonde from an ape?
The ape peels the banana before eating it.
314. Did you hear about the young blonde who was afraid of flies?
She opened one and feared no more.
313. How can you tell if the blonde is a nurse?
She can make a patient without disturbing the bed.
312. What do a lightly cooked steak and a smart blonde have in common?
They're both considered rare.
308. How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
(say nothing)
399. What do you get when you cross an elephant and a blonde?
A three-quarter-ton pick-up!
398. How many blondes does it take to make popcorn?
Four. One to hold the pot and three to shake the stove.
397. What does a convict awaiting sentencing have in common with a blonde.
Both know they're going to have a hard time soon, but don't know for how long.
396. Why did the young blonde have a rectangular chest?
Because she forgot to take the Kleenex out of the box.
395. Why are blondes afraid to go into seafood restaurants?
They heard you can get Crabs in them!
394. Why did the blonde drive around the block 14 times?
Her blinker was stuck.
393. What did the blonde say when she opened up a box of Cherrios?
Gee, look at all of the little doughnut seeds.
392. Why couldn't the blonde make ice cubes?
She didn't have the recipe.
391. What do blondes do for foreplay?
Take off their panties!
390. Why do blondes wear green panties?
Because red means stop!
389. Why did the blonde get kicked out of driver's ed?
They couldn't get her to sit up in the seat!
388. What is the difference between a rooster and a blonde?
The rooster says, "Cock-a-doodle-do."
The blonde says, "Any-cock'll-do!"
386. Did you hear about the blonde who bought an exercise bike and died?
She tried her best to ride it home.
385. How many blondes does it take to milk a cow?
Nine, four to hold the udders, four to hold the cow's legs,
and one to tell them when to move the cow up and down.
384. What is the main qualification for most blonde typists?
They must be very good in their oral skills.
or
They can usually type like a mink.
383. What did the blonde say when asked if sex is dirty?
"Only if done on the dirt without blankets."
382. What did the blonde do when her husband said he'd like to be on the bottom for a change?
She bought him a bunk bed.
381. What did the virgin blonde say after her new husband asked, "Am I the first?"
"Why do all you guys ask the same question?"
380. Why do blondes close their eyes while making love?
They hate to see their lover having a good time.
379. How do you recognize a blonde "girl of the streets?"
She will have curb feelers on her ankles.
378. What happened to the ugliest blonde in town?
A group of youths Gang Dressed her.
377. What do blondes use for earrings?
Pest strips.
376. How can you tell when a blonde has had too many martinis?
When she says she feels sophisticated.
375. Why did the blonde elevator operator lose her job?
She couldn't learn her route.
374. What does a blonde have when there are two green balls in her hand?
Kermit's undivided attention.
or
The Hulk's undivided attention.
373. How do blondes spell FARM?
E- I -E- I -O.
372. Hear about the blonde who made a pineapple upside-down cake to impress her husband?
She turned over her microwave oven to cook it.
371. How can you find out if a blonde is ticklish?
Give her two test-tickles.
370. What do you get when you cross a fireman with a blonde?
The Burning Bush.
369. Did you hear what the blonde business woman named her chain of convience stores?
Stop 'n' Blow.
365. If Tarzan and Jane were both blonde, what would Cheetah be?
The smartest of the three.
364. How did the blonde pierce her ear?
Answering the staple machine.
363. Did you hear about the blonde who accidentally made two dates on the same night?
She managed to squeeze both of them in.
362. What do you call the blonde who relies on the rhythm method of birth control?
Mommy.
359. Why did the blonde law student keep failing her bar exam?
She thought an anti-trust suit was a chastity belt.
358. How can you tell which motorcycle belongs to the blonde?
It's the one with the training wheels on the side of it.
357. How can you tell which tricycle belongs to the blonde?
It is the one with the kickstand.
356. Did you hear about the sad blonde mermaid?
She couldn't do anything but give head.
355. What is it that a blonde doesn't want, that a man has in his pants?
Wrinkles.
354. What do you call a blonde anorexic with a yeast infection?
A quarter-pounder with cheese!
353. What did the blonde say to the long-forgotten friend she ran into?
"I think I remember you - take your clothes off and lemme see."
352. What did the lesbian gas attendant say when the beautiful blonde pulled up?
"Mind if I check under your hood?"
351. What did the gas attendant say when the beautiful blonde pulled in?
"How about a lube job?"